I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Sorry but I hate comments like this.

I don’t even have the family Christmas like you describe. It’s just me and my dog on our own. I try to make things fun and festive but I can’t pull a husband and children out of a hat.

I’ve just separated from my husband, I couldn’t rely on him enough to have children with him and I’m 43 now so it’s not going to happen for me. My abusive Dad is dead and my relationship with my Mum and Stepfather is complicated and not something I want to be around at Christmas. My half-sister is dead and I don’t have anyone else.

So what you’re describing as something you feel shitty about is much better than mine and I feel even shittier now, so thanks.

(All true, but I wouldn’t dream of saying this and it wouldn’t cross my mind to think it - how does it feel to be on the receiving end?)

This is such a stupid post. I am sure many people dont even have 3 other people to celebrate Christmas with like you do - lots of people are completely alone on Christmas Day so thanks a lot- you have made them feel even worse with your competitive misery.

Can you not still make it a lovely Christmas with the small numbers? A game of poker with the tv on or a board game? The outdated tv is part of Christmas- the whole of the uk and Ireland watch morecome and wise or only fools or the like, you could read a book or chat or whatever? I know your life is tough but I don’t understand what people think make it a bad Christmas

Op I could have written similar myself and totally get it. Ignore posters who are unable to see you are comparing your past Christmases to your present ones,and not comparing yours with theirs!
Mum died last year. She had been with me for every Christmas of my 61 years. DCs are adults and want some fun,so will be spending Christmas elsewhere which I absolutely agree with and hope they have a lovely time. Family Christmas with everyone getting together just isn't a thing any more so I can't be bothered with it all tbh.

People often say christmas is not the same once you are an adult. What I remember of it as a kid is constantly tiptoeing around my mother in case she threw one of her wobblers (panic attacks) and watching what I said in case I got a "go along" (slap) from my dad.

The only one I enjoyed visiting was my grandmother. She died in 1979 and I have never celebrated christmas since. I often went to a country like Morccco, India, Egypt or Nepal to get away from it. I no longer travel but as I am single and childfree I am quite content with my own company.

Didnt you post this in another Christmas thread:

A lot (not all obviously) of the comments here are unnecessarily arsey and rude. The op is allowed to feel how she feels without being made to feel an idiot. Some of you need to wind your necks in

I think you should take your own advice.....the OP IS allowed to feel how she feels

There were only three in my family but I remember wonderful Christmases when I was young and it's always been my favourite time of year. Relatives aren't needed to make Christmas a magical time.

If funds allow, why dont you go somewhere for lunch? And then when you do visit your parents, all of you go. It’s hard as parents gets older and more frail, and harder too if the relationship isn’t an easy one. But I’d suggest most 17 and 20 yr olds should be able to visit even just to support you.

And maybe do something fun on Xmas eve or Boxing Day. Just the four of you.

I think changing things up helps lessen the feelings of years gone by and instead helps makes the best of a different situation.

I feel even sorrier for him.

Why is your mum not in a proper care home
Mine is at the same stage as yours with the same diagnosis,and she needs 24 hour nursing care..
Did your dad not want to pay for the care home ,as carers coming in are often cheaper

God you’re a miserable person who doesn’t seem capable of empathy, gratitude or comprehension. This thread isn’t about you - and OP’s post wasn’t about only having 4 people but all of the deaths and illness in her family and the change.

count your lucky stars that you have a wonderful family and can celebrate Christmas as a 4. I know many people that don’t have that.

you sound super entitled.

That is shocking that you are allowing her to stay in the home and not have 24 hour care in a nursing home .
So if she empties her bowels in between carers ...what she just sits in it ..
That is a disgrace
And Christmas is the least of your problems
Your poor poor mum

This year we are making our own traditions and instead of focusing on piles of presents and worrying about others having a good time. We are going to 🇮🇸 to have a good Christmas with limited presents and stress! I will update after Xmas if it was better or we missed the tradition Christmas

Why are you making a complete strangers life all about you?

It's so irrelevant and unnecessary though.

It isn’t you FiL’s fault that your daughter disappears up to her room or your son goes to see his girlfriend. You are too critical of him. Invite the girlfriend and other people over to recreate the lively evening atmosphere. One of the important aspects of Christmas is welcoming waifs and strays. We always have a spinster relative and we used to have an autistic neighbour to join us, along with whoever within our family wants to be there.

FFS it's not the self-pity Olympics. Loads of people don't have big family Christmases but still have a really enjoyable day. There are four of you so you are not on your own. Lots of single, widowed or divorced people spend the day completely alone while single parents often spend Christmas Day without their children if it is their turn with the other parent.

OP has obviously got carer's burnout as she is doing hands on care for her doubly incontinent mum with severe dementia and dealing with a difficult FIL and DF. There is no comparison between her Christmas experience and people who just spend the day with their nuclear family.

Guilt-tripping OP is a horrible thing for you to do.

But a small family doesn’t automatically mean shitty. And what OP is saying here (DM with Alzheimers, prickly relationship with DM, FIL who doesn’t interact with her DC and watches misogynistic tv) is not comparable to a lovely, small Christmas with your loved ones!

edit: which is what I am having, btw. I’m spending Christmas abroad with my DP and I am absolutely looking forward to it. Just us two, it will be wonderful.

Harsh!

But to be fair, you haven't attempted to answer the OP's question at all.

It might be good to follow this thread though, as it might give you some ideas to brighten your own Christmas 🎄

OP I sometimes feel like this. Christmas used to be a big family thing, lots of relatives around, friends, a lot of fun and chaos. So many people in my family live elsewhere now and we rarely all get together at this time of year. Ageing relatives get together in little pods almost and some of them just don't bother at all any more. The younger ones now split time with partners families. It's just life and things change and I do enjoy my smaller, quieter Christmas time but the change also sometimes feels in line with people living more isolated lives and a bit of a lack of connection and it's quite sad. It's nobody's fault, it's just how it is, and I do a pre-christmas tour of the relatives I can but it's definitely not the same as it used to be.

It’s sad you feel like that. I’ve never had the big family Christmas, husband had a job that often meant he had to work, and we couldn’t travel to see family. We always spent it as a four ball with our two kids, they are adults now and don’t have children, so they still come and spend it with us even in their 30’s, sometimes with partners and sometimes without. We still have fun with nice food, drinks, cheesy films and games. Perhaps try to reframe it to enjoy what you do have rather than
wishing it was different.

@JacknDiane Have you considered that the OP is mourning her MIL and her mother’s dementia - a horrible situation to be in with a loved relative? Her post is not about you. Self-centred much??

@Spiderplantseverywhere OP I think it’s something many families face when as children get to be teens, older relatives decline. It certainly happened on my family - big childhood Christmases where we drive around lots of family parties were replaced with small Christmases with older relatives absent, ill or suffering from dementia. It’s shit, and dementia is a horrendous illness, a kind of living death - you must be mourning the loss of your mum to it.

In my family the small Christmases got better when we were young adults, but the teen ones were a bit dismal. Can you introduce some new outings/traditions to compensate, like a meal out or lights trail trip on Christmas Eve, possibly inviting some of your teen DD’s friends and/or your own friends over on Christmas night for board games/drinks/a mini party? Or a little open house for your neighbours, so you have some company/chat/Christmas cheer on Christmas night? Your DS could also invite his gf over to that, too.

We have had our share of things being shit at Christmas. We couldn’t have children, so for many years Christmas was an emotionally difficult time for us, but at the same time we weren’t free to do what we wanted or go away because of our parents,DH is a an only so his parents had nowhere else to go and it was unthinkable to them that they spend Christmas on their own. My mother was widowed in her mid 50s and my sibling was travelling g or working abroad much of the time so we had her to consider. Then FIL died, MIL got very frail and DM got dementia. So it wasn’t a barrel of laughs. Our last surviving parent died 8 years ago and we are now enjoying spending Christmas alone or with DB, SIL iand DN if they are around/not going abroad to DB’s in-laws.

I do sympathise OP. It’s hard when you are in the middle of it.

I'm sorry Op, I know how hard it is to care for someone with dementia, my DM had no idea it was Christmas either. To the pp who thinks everyone with dementia should be in a care home, you have a very rosy coloured view of care homes, with three carers a day and my care my DM was way better looked after than in any home

That’s not OP’s problem 🙄. Other people are also allowed to be unhappy about their Christmas