I'm dreading Christmas, they are no longer the fun times from the past - tips of how to make the best of a crappy situation?

[Spiderplantseverywhere]

Up until around 5 years ago Christmas was the most favourite times of the year but it has all changed as I suppose things inevitably do.

For a good 15+ years we hosted Christmas at ours house. Dh, dc and myself would have lunch and then mid afternoon to late evening we would be joined by my parents, my dsis and partner and my in-laws. I would put on a massive buffet and we would eat, drink, listen to music and play fun games, it was always such a laugh.

But five years ago my mil died and my mum was developing dementia (she is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, double incontinent and doesn't know Christmas from any other day of the year).

Dc are now 20 and 17. Since MIL's passing we invite FIL to join us for Christmas lunch. I like FIL (85) very much but he is very old fashioned and has nothing in common at all with my dc, he doesn't say much to them and talks about the past all of the time and of people only dh knows/remembers so conversations between he and myself/dc are kept to a minimum. After lunch he retreats into the sitting room and watches 60's/70's tv programmes with dh (Outdated and misogynistic crap such as the Carry On films). DD goes up into her room and DS leaves and visits his GF where he spends the rest of the day and stays over night. His gf has a large family with little children so it's much more fun there than it has been at ours over the last few years, I totally understand why he wants to go there.

Since last year we can no longer have mum over as it is too confusing for her and this year, following a nasty fall mum needs carers in 3 times a day so I will have to visit my parents in the afternoon for a few hours and listen to my dad moan the whole time (I have a prickly relationship with him, he is very hard work) but it is what it is. DD says she will come but I know she will hate it, ds will probably pop by for a short while before he goes to his gf parents. DD gets quite upset about Christmas these days and says they are no fun and nothing like the Christmases we used to have which makes me feel sad.

We are fortunate to have another sitting room which I have said I will decorate lovely this year and make it very warm and cosy for us and have suggested when we get back from my parents we can spend the rest of the time watching Christmas films and eating nice food.

Has anyone else's Christmases changed completely recently? What do you do now to make it as enjoyable as possible for the different generations in your family all with different wants/needs over the festive period?

Should add that I am not at all bothered about Christmas for myself and neither is DH, I would be more than happy to just sit all day, nibbling, snoozing and watching tv but I still want to make it as enjoyable for my dc, I know they aren't small kids anymore but they are still young and Christmas should be a joyful occasion for them, it was still for me at that age

Sorry but I hate threads like this. We've never had the big fun family Christmas like you describe. Its always been just us 4. I've always tried to make it fun and festive for my kids but I can't pull relatives out a hat. My mum was alive but old when they were small and it was all too much for her. And dad was dead. And siblings not interested and lived away.
So what you describe now is our normal. And it feels even shittier. So thanks.

That’s really unfair @JacknDiane it’s not OP’s fault you have a small family!! Every single year we get bombarded with ’special family time' over Christmas, the merriment, laughter, joy, etc. It’s on TV, in shops, songs, millions of people talking about it - you can’t escape it. What do you do - hibernate for a couple months until Christmas is over?? Don’t have a go at other people for having a different experience.

So ask your sons g/for to yours just for an hour, after you have done all your duties. Don't do a huge buffet if they are eating at hers. Surely they can do that. Make hot chocolate or whatever xmas music and play a couple of card games. Once they are way, have a buffet with your daughter and hubby play some games, watch some pre planned Christmas TV. Can still be cosy an fun. But yes it does get shitty when life changes as you've described. Just plan a few hours not days.

Can you make a new tradition for Christmas? Like take son, sons gf, daughter and you and DH ice skating on Christmas Eve?

Im a shift worker so we always do something on a random day because I often miss actual Christmas. The “pretend” Christmas days are what my teenagers love.

You might notice that my first word was Sorry.
I stand by how I feel. The op asked how to make a shittier experience feel better and then described how our Christmas's have always been. And it made me feel worse.

Yeah I have this. Mum has dementia and is insistent on having a family Christmas with her taking part in everything.

my kids thankfully are very forgiving and do come and do it but nobody enjoys it except mum.

I dread it to be honest.

i’ve booked two weeks in the canaries in January to help me get through it.

Sorry not shittier "crappy situation " was the words used.

My only suggestion is that you try Dad’s Army or The Good Life on the telly. I think your dc might be pleasantly surprised! Or a Frasier marathon

Don't watch xmas movies on Christmas day - decorate your sitting room into a gorgeous cosy xmas room on Dec 1st, and watch movies throughout Dec, with face masks and hot chocolate.
On xmas day, do you have to visit parents, or could you go on xmas eve or Boxing Day for a bit longer, and take turkey leftovers?
If you absolutely must go, see them for half an hour in the morning, then home to put (brand new) slippers on and relax over dinner (which you've fully prepped in advance) and wine and chocolates.
Buy board games to play. Something daft and fun, like Dobble or Cat Taco Goat.

Main thing is, laugh and spend time with DD. Don't spend hours in the kitchen.

Ask DC to choose what you have as starters and pudding.

Start eating dinner early afternoon, ie starter at 1.30, pull crackers, then leave the table and play a game or open another gift (which you had hidden to keep aside for now).

Main course at 2.30, with another daft game while eating, eg Cards Against Christmas.
Clear table then do something like pass the parcel or leave the table again for TV or game or pampering.

Dessert at 4pm.

Cheese board at 5pm with TV or Christmas music on.

This is then the point where I fall asleep so I never manage to carry through evening plans 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry, but I spend Christmas on my own with the cat. I’d love to have a dc to spend it with. You’ve just made me feel really shit. Thanks for that.

What the hell? OP is not complaining about not having relatives nor is she shitting on small Christmases or making any comment about your situation. What a weird projection.

OP I get it. Last Christmas was my first without my mum and it was shit, this year will be very different as half the (large) family are spending it elsewhere. My 17yo will be the only 'child' and I do feel bad for him but you just need to carve out nice things and not feel pressured to spend every minute of every day as a big group.

Nah, the OP's shitty situation is that things have changed so much - from the fun carefree times when there were no health issues, to dementia, no young kids - she isn't saying that the fact there's only a few for Christmas Day is the shitty part.
I've lost my parents this year and dread how different this year will be - but it's because things are so different with the kids being late teens and 2 gaps at the table that's the issue- not that weve never had a huge family to join in.

Incidentally, I know loads of people who have 20 people at their house each xmas - and not one of them loves it!

Your 20 year old and 17 year old can surely stand for one day talking to grandparents about ‘old stuff’ just have to change with the times I’m afraid. Nothing stays the same this is your new normal. Buck up. Dgc soon with any luck.

I'm in the same boat as you. I just remind myself we don't have to deal with drunken relatives and petty squabbles. We can go with the flow on our own time line instead of rushing to have things ready for the guests arriving.

I found we needed to rethink what a good Christmas meant as everyone got older. This year it will be F-i-L who is 96, DS1, home from abroad without his boyfriend who has to visit family this year and can't take DS as his mother won't accept he is gay. DS2 is with his girlfriend's family this year, so I am aware it will be a very quiet and small affair, and hope it won't be too disappointing for DS1.

Things I am doing to create atmosphere:

Having a really good breakfast with buck's fizz.
Giving everyone a stocking with small presents in it that are meaningful to them - no novelty tat
Arranging Zoom chats with family who aren't there
Getting a DVD of a film we'd all like to watch and planning it so there is no hogging of TV by Carry On rubbish.
Some old fashioned games - we like Bananagrams and Charades. Even with 4 people it can still be fun.
A good frosty walk with the younger ones.
Mixing some really good Christmassy cocktails - maybe Old Fashioneds or a champagne based one.
Playing Christmassy music in the background

Four of you? Assuming husband and kids? Or siblings, parents? Well I’m alone, have been alone a long time - not by choice. So thanks JacknDiane for making me feel shittier than I already feel.

YABU to call the Carry On films crap.

Have you asked your DD what she would like to do to make Christmas 'christmassier', OP? Many people struggle with changing circumstances - see all the posts on here from people who mourn their children ageing out of a belief in Santa, or from wanting to stay at home and do fun things all day.

It's the change that's hard, not the Christmas itself, so maybe ask for input from a few of the people concerned. They may want to shake things up and do a completely different Christmas altogether.

Your kids are young adults, just have a chill Xmas.

Our girls, now 22 and 28, we have been having Xmas for just the four of us for several years now, and it is fab. Get up late, champagne breakfast and a few pressies. Dress up, late lunch, copious amounts of alcohol. Change into slobs for the evening in front of TV, with leftovers and more alcohol.

I've even taken to buying lots of ready made food from Cook and M&S, do less strain on me to prepare lunch.

Oh, and we always play some really silly card games.

TBH I think what you describe is fairly normal as people age. DC’s priorities and expectations change and ageing relatives are not longer able to participate in the manner in which they used to, if at all. You have been blessed to have had the Christmases you describe, but you are not alone in things changing.

So it’s now a case of finding a different way of doing things. For a lot of years, there was only three of us and we had a lovely time. It’s likely this year that there will only be the two of us and again we will have a lovely time. I don’t suppose we do anything that different from anyone else, there are just less of us. Open presents, get ready for the day, a nice later breakfast, walk the dogs, start on dinner prep, eat after dark by candlelight. TV in the evening. We may visit, have visitors/facetime in the morning and may play some board games etc, but those are the main elements. It’s a chilled out day.

Do you want/need to spend as much time as you do with your parents? With one not knowing what day it is and the other being challenging to be around. I think I would be looking to cut back on the time you are with them. Have you considered changing the timing so the visit doesn’t break up the day quite as much, or visiting before or after Christmas Day?

It’s not unusual for some older folk to live in the past. We have a friend who does the same and we find ourselves nodding and smiling and then changing the subject after a while. Distraction can work wonders, be it a change in conversation, a board game, a film etc, or someone could actually encourage the conversation before moving on to something else. It sounds like you need to try and get your husband on side in terms of the TV viewing or at least let FIL go off and watch what he wants to watch on his own. We never have the TV on until after dark. At the moment everyone appears to be doing their own thing which won’t be helping matters.

What would you like the day to look like? Some subtle change in timings may be all you need for things to come together more.

You need to find some nice things to do on other days around Christmas - so find nice adult Christmas events and go to those before/after Xmas day instead of focusing on the 25th.

So maybe do something you’d all like on Xmas Eve and Boxing Day. Panto, light show, meal out etc

We used to have the jovial, fun, big Christmas, but unfortunately have been bereaved twice at Xmas and also the in laws, (who previously bought into our fun xmases), since the bereavements have sort of taken over and imposed their version of fun (sneery, competitive board games, with a dollop of mysogyny thrown in for good measure).

Its now not fun, so I limit my interactions with them and have the quiet Christmas, at my home. It feels more like a Sunday lunch. It is what it is.

The sneery in laws won't impose themselves on their own families, instead they try to take over our family home for the day.

I am sorry you have not enjoyed your Christmases, I really am but you can just scroll on by, I do this regularly when I see a post which upsets me.

I have spent the last 5 years caring for my mum who is now in advanced dementia. I have spent the last 4 months changing her pull-ups and cleaning her up after she has soiled herself. I have my own health issues and currently deep in carer's burnout.

I think I deserve to feel a little bit sorry for myself and my family right now.

She usually stays over for Christmas eve and Christmas morning then goes and joins her family.

We don't have the huge buffet anymore, that was previously. We now have Xmas lunch with ds, dd, dh, fil and myself and like you suggest, I will just do a small buffet for DH, dd and myself for the evening.

Oh my heavens you sound really unhappy.

you didn’t even have magical fun christmases when the kids were small?

my family Christmas when I was small was just the four of us and my then very elderly gran - I loved them!! I am sorry you couldn’t capture magic and joy.

Im not sure what age your children are now - I host Christmas every year. Kids are older now but we play board games and watch Christmas movies and have fancy breakfasts.

last year we even had fireworks in the back garden.

instead of making OP feel bad maybe focus on what you can do to bring joy to your chistmases? You don’t need a big family - just some fun activities and a bit of planning.