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Original poster

Not ungrateful but sh*t gifts from family

202 replies

elephantsbreafh · 29/12/2022 07:12

i shouldn’t be complaining as I didn’t expect anything so should be grateful for what I got… however, I’d rather not get anything than get tat that I don’t like and won’t use.

pyjamas 2 sizes too small
a towel with tag and price still attached
a ‘designer’ purse from my sibling - not my taste at all, she even told me she wanted to keep it for herself and was probably hoping I’d say she could keep it (she has form for this)
a bottle of cheap hand soap
a novelty bath bomb (I don’t have a bath, and I’m fussy with skincare…)

I try to shop local and handmade where I can, and I’d rather get people something small but thoughtful and/or useful. I don’t go around buying mass produced tat for the sake of gifts, and my family know me well enough to know that. I just feel so disappointed that for years I’ve put so much effort into their gifts, and every year I’m left thinking wtf? I’d honestly have been happier with one small thing that actually had some thought put into it.

Would it seem really mean to enforce no gifts next year? Apart from for the kids?

OP posts:
Dogsgottabone · 29/12/2022 07:18

Of course you anbu.

I can't understand buying presents for adults. If we get invited to someone's house over the festive period we take a bottle/s of wine and some flowers or a plant. That's it.

Why on earth would you swap a gift with someone who can buy their own stuff?

Whattheladybird · 29/12/2022 07:23

I did no presents this year for the first time with my parents. It was a relief to know I wouldn’t have to feign delight at.. (some examples) earrings (I don’t have pierced ears), a jumper not in my size or colour, or (a recent favourite, although at least I used them) half of a multipack of black socks.

My mum still bought me “a little” something.

And, as in previous years, it will go straight to the charity shop.

Doingmybest12 · 29/12/2022 07:25

Perhaps it is time to have conversation about if gifts for adults should continue. I will say though that if you are someone who tries so hard to buy for others then you are likely to be disappointed if they aren't on the same page and they are unlikely to fully appreciate what you buy them.

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2022 07:27

It's a good time to say no presents for adults but you're going to have to say it a lot in the run up to Christmas. Also prepare yourself that they may ignore it anyway. Do it though!

lauraccccc · 29/12/2022 07:32

I pulled out of our work gift exchange for this reason. I would make a big effort to get someone something thoughtful and last year I got a damaged Disney candle (I'm 40 and have no interest in Disney whatsoever) and a bottle of cheap Prosecco when the person knows I don't drink at all and haven't for most of my adult life. I would wait until closer by I Xmas next year then suggest no presents going forward

upfucked · 29/12/2022 07:34

Maybe they don’t like handmade gift and think your gifts are crap. It sounds like everyone is buying gifts they would like not the recipient. Perhaps it’s time to stop adult gifts.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/12/2022 07:40

I’m all for stopping presents you don’t actually want. I suggested a secret Santa for DH’s siblings and partners this year because it was getting crazy - so expensive and wasteful. We got one decent present this year and that’s it! Perfect!

Gifts for hosts are polite but…

If we get invited to someone's house over the festive period we take a bottle/s of wine and some flowers or a plant. That's it.

I don’t drink and can’t stand plants in my house so wouldn’t want this either.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/12/2022 07:52

Would it seem really mean to enforce no gifts next year?

You can't really 'enforce' it but you can make it clear you are opting out, won't be buying for adults and won't be expecting any gifts from them. If they go ahead and buy you stuff anyway, not much you can do about that but at least you won't have expended unequal effort.

Jingleoverthatway · 29/12/2022 07:55

Are you me? I'm convinced that my family who I see every week and visit our house regularly, have no idea about anything that we like or dislike.

Namechangedfortodayspost · 29/12/2022 08:24

My DH of 16 years and the adults in my family and his have never exchanged xmas gifts. Not one. Neither of us are into it. The kids get, of course. We spend the money on a show or a family experience. Or just don't spend the money! It's really nice, not having to think about what shite to buy.

Rinatinabina · 29/12/2022 08:31

Honestly the money, time and effort you spend would be better utilised by buying yourself something you really want for yourself and telling others to do the same. Adults get a bottle of wine etc from us. Only buy for kids in our and it’s a relief.

MistletoeandBaileys · 29/12/2022 09:04

Nope I’ve put my foot down big time for next year. On my side we only buy for the kids in the family and my grandparents. (I was raised by them and they always think of us)

On DH’s side we told his mother (who thinks we are Santa) and she told us we were cruel. But I’ve put my foot down. Absolutely no presents next year. It’s stressful we have had a mental year and just don’t need the hassle. Both his brothers gave him a list at the start of November and two days before Christmas asked him if he even wanted a present.

So no presents next year for extended family. His mother will have a meltdown next year and tbh I can’t be bothered with it.

We had a chat with his dad and aunt and uncle and they are all delighted in the arrangement as it was too much hassle. So the only one who will be pissed off is the one who never calls or visits which is just fine!

LittleLlama · 29/12/2022 09:22

I have really cut down on the number of people I give gifts to this year and not only has it saved me money it has been much less stressful. Do it - you will not regret it!

Pootle22 · 29/12/2022 09:30

They sound pretty standard gifts but if you put a lot of though in you are likely to be disappointed when others don't do the same.

See if you can exchange the purse and pj's, stick the towel in the wash and the rest can go in the bin.

Next year tell them that you do not want to receive gifts and will only buy for children. Then buy yourself a nice present or trust your DH to.

Myrevengewillbesweet · 29/12/2022 09:30

Aw well OP, sounds grim but I got f all. Not even a box of chocolates. To be fair , my husband and I decided not to exchange presents as we are mind-blowingly skint this year and vowed to do Valentines. But my kids(older) ? Brothers? Yes they all got from me. Maybe have a word with your family about cutting out presents if they annoy you so much.

DuchessOfDisco · 29/12/2022 09:30

I think you are being rather ungrateful if I’m honest. I don’t think any of the gifts you have described as “thoughtless tat”. Maybe they did put a lot of thought into them, but just missed the mark.
maybe the “well thought out, local, handmade, artisan whatnot” you buy is considered tat to them.
I am not in the “adults shouldn’t get gifts campy” (dsis is childless and would receive nothing if we didn’t exchange gifts) but I suggest sharing wish lists next year, and being specific about what you would like.
in the meantime, please feel free to donate to someone in need who would really love and appreciate your gifts

Changingplace · 29/12/2022 09:36

I hear you OP, it’s so annoying.

Can you exchange the pjs and the purse? Even if you’ve not got the receipt it’s worth a go, they’ll probably let you swap for something else in store (I did that yesterday with two things I got!)

And yeah suggest no adult presents next year, I’ve cut back massively on who I buy for now and have no regrets at all.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/12/2022 09:45

Those sound like perfectly normal presents to me, so you sound a bit snobby. It's much more expensive to shop handmade / local / artisan etc. It amazes me how snooty people on Mumsnet are about gifts.

Why is leaving the tag on a towel bad? I'd remove the price (easily forgotten though and not a big deal), but not the whole tag as that would make it impossible to return and make some people suspicious it was second hand.

It is a shame you weren't offered a receipt for the pyjamas - size is difficult to guess but in our family we always include the receipt for clothes in case. I had to exchange the PJ's my mother in law bought last Christmas as they were too small, but I would never have said they were a shit gift. Your sister obviously thinks it's a nice purse and it can be hard to predict what people will like - one minute you complain something is designer, the next minute you complain something else is cheap.

It's a shame when gifts don't quite hit the mark (eg I hinted to my parents I like gin but they've bought me a pink gin set - I didn't think to hint I'm not keen on pink gin as they know I avoid sweet drinks). However, the thought was there and I can easily donate to a raffle, regift or offer to guests so it's not a problem worth moaning on Mumsnet about.

We've stopped doing gifts for adult siblings this year to make life easier for everyone, but when we did most people had gift lists so that no money was wasted. Could you suggest one of those two ways of doing things for next year.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 29/12/2022 09:47

My poor mum got an adapter plug from my brother. She does so much for him and got his whole family lovely thoughtful gifts. Worst one I’ve heard all year.

Katypp · 29/12/2022 09:58

Not this, again. I think it's shocking the number of posts on MN from spoilt women moaning about the gifts they have been given in good faith. The amount of people who seem to think that (a) they are the centre of everyone's universe and the minute of their likes, dislikes, preferences, colour choices, taste in chocolate etc etc should be apparent to everyone and (b) they are fantastic gift givers and always, always, carefully choose the perfect gift.

evemillbank · 29/12/2022 09:58

I think it's just that different people like different things. Your homemade gifts wouldn't be what I'd want.

Oher · 29/12/2022 10:03

Dogsgottabone · 29/12/2022 07:18

Of course you anbu.

I can't understand buying presents for adults. If we get invited to someone's house over the festive period we take a bottle/s of wine and some flowers or a plant. That's it.

Why on earth would you swap a gift with someone who can buy their own stuff?

With adults the point is not spending money on someone who has their own, its the gift of time / introducing them to something they love but wouldn’t have discovered on their own. So say my sister loves stained glass windows, and birds, and ornaments, and I spend hours searching the internet until I find a bird ornament made of stained glass. Or DH’s favourite jumper has worn out and the shops don’t sell it anymore so I search until I find one remaining in clearance stock in some tiny online store he’d never have tracked down. Those were popular gifts.

Just grabbing something from a shop without thoughtfulness is not a gift at all.

OP I’m sorry your family aren’t thoughtful and yanbu to insist on no adult gifts next year. If they ask why just be blunt and say you keep getting presents you can’t use like too small clothes or bath stuff when you have no bath.

Solonge · 29/12/2022 10:31

This year my four adult children agreed on a secret Santa. One present, value around £50….they used an app….that gave all adults a number and they all had to add to their number a list of items for £50 they would like. Each was allocated on number (person) to buy for. Everyone got exactly what they wanted.

Hahahahohoho · 29/12/2022 10:32

I don't understand the need to have something to unwrap when the gift underneath is always a disappointment - better to buy your own and get the thing you want. Why the need to get other people to buy you stuff - like you are incapable of treating yourself?

Katypp · 29/12/2022 10:34

Keep the stuff you like, donate/regift/pass on the stuff you don't. It was ever thus.
I'm note sure when receiving gifts you weren't keen on became such a massive issue.
I am taking 3 things back to M&S to exchange today as I've done to a greater or lesser degree every year for the past 35 years.
I don't think any less of my mum because she bought me a jumper in a colour I don't like.
I am smiling though at the OP's assumption that people would be overjoyed to receive local, artisan hand-made gifts. I buy quite a bit from Etsy so am not adverse to hand-made stuff, but there is a very fine line between 'artisan' and tat, even if it is wooden and hand carved...