"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

Any chance MN IT can fit the Childfree link with a klaxon and flashing lights? WARNING! WARNING! YOU ARE ABUT TO ENTER THE BOARD FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT CHILDREN! CONTENT MAY BE UPSETTING!

I slightly disagree - I don't care who posts in this board, provided they don't post about being a parent.

Regrettably, there are posters who think that the Childfree board is the place to post about being a parent because there aren't hundreds of thousands of threads in which to discuss parenting. It has to be discussed here, too.

that type of anguish and the emptiness that may come if you don’t have children

Seriously? Is this the new you don't know what love is?

To which I would "Childfree posters may not appreciate your posting about being a parent. If this offends you, this is probably not the place for you."

IN CAPS.

And then “PS In the context of this board, childfree means ‘do not have kids’, not ‘the kids are staying with grandma tonight’”.

Some posters are just goady or maybe they haven't got the brains to read or notice the title of the board they are posting on, having presumably jumped in to comment on a thread title that aggravates them. Active threads I mean.

They do that without reading that it is the "Child Free" board. Or maybe they do know and are jealous. I suspect jealousy and envy myself, and justification in a lot of cases for bringing snotty nosed noisy brats into the world to annoy the rest of us. 😂

As I said on another thread 'this is the childfree board, not the childfree for one day board.'

I agree with everything except the last sentence.

I like that!

As a pretty introverted child free woman who chooses to do many things alone I would be quite happy dying alone. Don't want a funeral, don't want a crowd of people boggling my last breaths. Not worrying about this shit or the opinions of other people frees me up to enjoy the here and now.

i think what people fear in a lack of companionship in their later years rather than the actual hours immediately before death.

I had two great aunts who didn’t have children. They were both widowed and spent their twilight years together. Had much more companionship than some mothers whose children emigrate and they only see every couple of years.

I am childless and single - what I fear is not having someone to advocate for me when I get too old. I can afford care in my later years and am close with my sister and nieces. But who knows what the future will bring. People have different support systems - and adult children aren’t always either emotionally or physically close enough to help.

I like your style.

I have to say that anyone who starts gobbing off to you about having children/being childfree just needs to shut up and go away. I have kids, I wouldn’t dream of making such a stupid comment about dying alone. Frankly, I hope my kids do not have to sit at my deathbed. I don’t want my death to be a bother for them.

I am childless and single - what I fear is not having someone to advocate for me when I get too old

That, I'll admit, is a worry. But as you say, who knows what the future will bring.

If the main reason you're having children is for them to take care of you or give you company when you're older, it's most definitely a selfish, wrong reason, and chances are you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I think people just worry about death, and maybe think having all the kids round the bed will distract them from it a bit? 😁

Hi everyone,

Please can we remain civil on this thread and adhere to talk guidelines? We don't want to remove the thread but if talkguidelines cannot be upheld we will have no choice.

The bit people fail to acknowledge in this snide comment is that care home residents that have no visitors may well be loved as much as those with lots of visitors.

Sitting beside a person who has no understanding of whether it is day or night and remembering who they used to be can be horrendous. Some people are able to embrace this and look forward to seeing the person regardless. Some people choose to ensure their family member never goes without by ensuring they have adequate care and financially supported but choose to remember them how they were so never visit.

There are others that go day to day without visitors but get cards at Christmas and when they deteriorate, suddenly family turn up from the woodwork.

And some people tell their family, if I go into a care home and don't remember who anyone is, please know you do not have to visit. I set you free, I know you love me even if you do not visit.

Being a parent is a thankless task in some ways but children are not automatically the best people to be visitors.

I so hate this OP. Even if you are a parent there is no guarantee that your children will not be on the other side of the world when you draw your last breath.

Except of course that there is no guarantee of ‘watching your child grow into an (sic) fully functioning adult’.

Some children die. Some children have profound disabilities that mean they will never be ‘fully functioning’. Some children turn out to be deeply unpleasant, dysfunctional, criminals that are nothing but a drain on society. Every serial killer was once someone’s child.

Thinking that having a child guarantees you watching them grow into a fully functioning adult is remarkably stupid.

Oh, and I’d much rather die alone than surrounded by others watching my every breath.

I work in social care. On many occasions the resident has chosen to pass away once their children have left the room.
I've also known patients with several children but who still died alone, be that in their sleep or of a heart attack.
I think these people watch too many films. A person taking their last breaths with their entire family surrounded by their bed is really not always realistic.

Or if the kid grows up to be a decent human being, not one like my violent alcoholic brother, for example. Oh yeah, that was second to none for my mother. 🙄

Everyone dies alone. It's not a process anyone shares, even in a roomful of people. And really, who wants to have the (presumably) weeping offspring taking whatever awareness one has in those last moments? Sounds like a woman never being allowed to stop catering for others, to me.