"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

And in soaps you never see anyone come to terms with not being able to have children - if they don't have successful fertility treatment they get a surprise miracle pregnancy down the line.

Any article on infertility always ends with the women getting pregnant anyway. I tend to skip to the end before reading this type of article now and then decide to read it. Propaganda!

@KimberleyClark I think they mean exactly what you just said. Not that they have kids purely to be looked after in old age.

I’m in my sixties with no children. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me.

Good for you! Doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened to other people, though.

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

I also find it rather hard to believe that SO many people have had this said to them

Perhaps so. I can’t imagine any of my family, friends, colleagues ever saying such a thing. I would think less of them if they did. (If it is relevant, it was totally my choice not to pursue breeding and from what I read on here, I’ve saved myself a lot work, expense and general worry, so I’ll take ‘dying alone’ as payment for that).

Apologies, I strayed into here from Active Threads. I think 'you'll die alone' is an extreme variant on 'who'll look after you when you're old', which people do say quite a lot. Anyway, when I was - voluntarily and gleefully - childfree, my entire retirement plan was basically to live on the giant mountain of money I would have saved by not having any children. I pictured this as being a bit like a dragon on a pile of gold.

I love that image and shall endeavour to follow it. Yrs, Smaug

If they are referring to the exact moment of death, I think it's pot luck really as to whether there is anyone there. My grandparents both passed on their own at night (in hospital and in a nursing home) simply because their deaths happened before we could be informed to race to their bed sides. My great aunty (who did not have children) died with my Mum (her niece) by her side. You don't really know who might be there in the end. The childfree could have a very close friend who sits with them.

I know several elderly childfree people who have a lot of support, whether that be from other relatives or from friends. I do know of one elderly man who has nobody whatsoever except for his carers, never had children, no living relatives and no known friends. That does upset me and I worry for him. I know the carers go seceral times a day at least.

I'm not so much bothered about dying alone as I am about being abused or neglected in a crummy nursing home. I would like to not be single and to have the companionship of another adult - my fertile years are pretty much behind me and I did want children but a tipping point has come where I wouldn't want a child now it's too late. And I wouldn't want to have a child to be their burden and likely still end up in aforesaid home

I do wish people could show basic etiquette about this section.

Love this @BarBarnacleBeasley !!! I hope you are thrashing your dragon's tail through a veritable gravel heap of rubies, emeralds and diamonds!

Re death, I wasn't there for my parent. The nursing home staff could have been, but were busy.

I have children (saw this on active threads)

i am not a very social person and might be a bit lonely when i am older but I do not expect my children to fill any gap and take care of me. They owe me nothing - but it would be nice if they wanted to meet on occasion for a cup of coffee etc

And yet they have.

Just because you can’t believe it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

It happens so often people make memes about it.

My mother died recently. She had five children and at the time of her death we were all estranged from her, had been for many years, and living several hundred miles away - she was in Glasgow where we grew up and we all live from Birmingham downwards.

She died from pancreatic cancer. It was all pretty quick and she was in a nursing home. Our father visited her each day for about 20 mins a day as she was so vile to him he couldn't bear her company any longer. On her last day he was there for a bit of it, then came home and she died just after. So there, even if you have kids and even if you have someone with you as you are dying, then the chances are that you will be alone as you actually die.

A nurse friend once said to me that she thinks people who are dying wait until they are alone to actually go. She would know as she used to be a pa,locative care nurse.

So in short, it's bollocks.

It's the living bit of my life that I'm more interested in. The dying bit will come in time, but I'll plan for it the best I can and get in with it. I think the whole death bed stuff is just for the people left behind. As soon as I've snuffed it it won't matter if I was alone or had hundreds of people telling me how wonderful j was and wailing at my passing.

Nor mine. All 5 of us left as soon as we could and never went back! Evil, narcissistic, abusive bitch that she was.

No really? Shit. I'll take my bitter empty uterus and ten of thousands of cats actually I just have three dogs and fuck off.

Thank you so much for point that out.

I mean it's not like there's a childfree section js there.....oh, wait...

Most of our uterus' are empty whether we have children or not? Now you are being silly.

Honestly find it ridiculous and laughable that parents still ask, "Why are you on this site, it's for parents?"
Use your fucking eyes and have a look at the numerous threads and topics that have zero to do with being a parent, they're for everyone!!

I had three relatives who were child free. They were loved and cared for by extended family, friends and community. I have a relative with two adult children who don't visit and don't care. They were spoilt as children and are now entitled obnoxious adults. What's your point?

🙄🤷‍♀️

It’s the argument of last resort really, isn’t it, used when they have no other even slightly reasonable and logical argument to offer. Pitiful.

I've never understood what is supposed to be so wrong about "dying alone". Assuming I'm not in pain (in which case I'd want a nurse with a syringe full of morphine!), then I think dying alone is absolutely what I want - just peace and quiet, and no drama. The whole 'relatives round the deathbed' thing is like some ghastly Victorian melodrama, and more about the egos of said relatives than the needs of the patient.
Fundamentally, we all live our lives alone, even if there are lots of people around us, because we live inside our own heads. If people can't be content to be just with themselves at the moment of death, then that's very sad

Because there IS no obligation - for either sons or daughters. It's entirely personal choice.