"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

Well put, @Catsmere It’s a daft, romantic notion that anyone at all will be “with us” in our final hours. Most of us will be unconscious anyway.

I’ve lost my Mum and my step-Mum. Neither were aware of anyone when they passed away.

My only thought when someone says to me "you will die alone!!!" is "thank fuck for that".

Death is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It's something that every historical human being has experienced.

I can't think of anything worse than being surrounded by a bunch of morose, overly-emotional grief junkies determined to have a crisis that is all about them when I just want to be left in peace to pop my clogs.

I sort of get the logic but not the callous remarks. If I knew tomorrow, that day was my last, I would hold my children tightly so I was with them until my last moment, and for them to know they were with me until mine. I'd want every last moment with them.

If I take an average age of say 85, and I had a steady decline for the 5yrs prior, I think it would mean a great deal to me to have them around me, sort of the circle of life, I helped them as they entered the world, they will help me as I depart it.

Of course, we can get hit by a bus tomorrow or swallowed by an alligator, but these aren't the average.

There's lots of factors I have no control over though. They might hate me by then and gone NC. They might be too upset to see me deteriorating. They might have difficulties of their own that make me a far lesser priority. I might have complete loss of my faculties and have no idea anyone is even with me. I'd like to think these things won't happen, but they could.

However. Anyone who tells a decent person "You'll die alone" is an asshat, and frankly should be ignored.

Right, so do you make this complaint on AIBU, or Chat, or Pedants' Corner, or Relationships, or The Litter Tray, or The Doghouse, or Style and Beauty, or any other of the myriad boards on this site? No? But they're not parenting boards either!

Do people really say such cruel and stupid things? Surely that just means they're bonkers?!?! I've never heard such nonsense.

My dad wouldn't be with my mum when she was dying so I guess even 50 years of marriage doesn't guarantee you someone there yes I'm still mad about it

I had a weird feeling around 10pm and went to the hospital despite being on the stately homes threads (if you know....)
She's actually the reason I'm childfree which is ironic

Sorry to hear that, @HamBone .

I've never been at a deathbed, I just remember my mother describing when her youngest brother (another lifelong alcoholic) died and their older sister flinging herself on the bed and wailing - this a woman in her 50s, mind. I think embarrassment was Mum's main takeaway from that, and I very much doubt she'd want anything remotely similar. I know I wouldn't!

I don't think anyone has said that is the reason they have had children have they? My god that's a lot of hard work to be rewarded 50-60 years later!!!

Again do people actually do this? I can't see it.

They may not actually do it but I've seen "who'll wipe your arse for you when you're old" thrown out as a reason every woman should be having children far too often on MN boards.

i can’t imagine losing a sibling and would hate to think my niece would judge me like this for crying.

we all react to death in different ways - some keep it inside some express it.

I think it’s absolutely fine that your aunt exhibited raw grief when her brother died. I don’t think being in your fifties mean you can’t express grief.

I've mentioned this before but in my experience of being a nurse, you'd be shocked how many parents die without their children there. They may come to the funeral, but not a lot seem to be in a rush to be there before that. Distance is usually the reason. A lot move away. Some to other continents. All off living their lives as they should. And I hate to say it, but sons are the worst. They just don't seem to feel the same obligation or are willing to sacrifice the time.

You don't know my family history - believe me, it wasn't the dear close sibling loss you may be imagining, and it was my mother, the other sibling, describing it. She had every right to judge her obnoxious sister.

I also don’t think I’ve ever met a parent who had children simply to have someone there at their deathbed! It’s a bizarre assertion to make.

People have children because in most cases they bring them joy and fulfilment.

People do ask “but what about when you’re old? Won’t you be lonely/who’s going to look after you?” What do you think they mean?

Around my mother's death bed were my father (telling everyone what to do and moaning that my mum should have given up smoking and then she wouldn't be in that situation ), my brother (pouting and looking at his phone) and me hoping that because she was unconscious she didn't have to put up with any of their bullshit any more.

Both of my parents were completely unconcious when they died. They drifted out of focus hours/days before they died. It's convinced me that any comfort from the 'they died with their family around them' stuff is for those remaining and not the dying.

Also, which sounds better?

A long happy life, living it how you wish, with a short lonely death.

Or

A long stressful life, being a martyr and a slave to others, with the possibility of having someone sit with you while you die.

I'd rather have a life of freedom.

@BadNomad That's what it boils down to, live your life the way you want to and don’t expect other people to “be there” for you. It’s lovely when they are, but it shouldn’t be an expectation.

I've read on more than one occasion that people with adult children seem to hang on until their DC leave the room before dying, so the dying alone argument isn't a particularly good one imo.

It doesn't mean they don't say it to people without children.
I mainly hear "who is going to look after you when you're old"
Hopefully no-one if I'm fit and well enough. And I only need to speak to friends with ailing parents, or read the Elderly Parents board here to know it's not something I would wish on my (fictional ) child

Yes, exactly. And if they are moved to make this comment to childfree women, then the clear inference must be that the idea factored in to their own decision to have children.

Because otherwise, that comment would just be goady as fuck, and all the parents who speak to us like this vehemently deny that as their motivation.

People have children because in most cases they bring them joy and fulfilment.

In my experience people have no idea what they're letting themselves in for when they have children and they do it for a variety of reasons e.g. pressure from others, lack of perception of an alternative, because everyone else does.

I told my adult DS he has no responsibility to care for me when I am old whatsoever. I didn't give birth to him so he could be my skivvy when I am old.

I think we only become aware of the natalist propaganda/stereotypes once we've made the decision to be childfree. It's really insidious as well. For example, many a film ends with the female protagonist/main character finding fulfilment with pregnancy or a baby. Hardly ever can a woman just be, with the exception of Mad Men's Peggy, who rocks. ;-)

That was my mum.....until she got old and then she completely surrendered herself to being dependent on others. She didn't drive, didn't care for her own health, didn't take any responsibility for anything and insisted on staying in her rambling, high-maintenance old house and big garden long after she was able to look after any aspect of it.

She repayed her children for not giving her grand children by becoming a child herself.

I'm not saying that's you in any way at all @Gettingbysomehow , but it was definitely my mum.