"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

I noted this in another thread: I knew a woman with five daughters who put her in a nursing home because they didn't want to take care of her.

And, yes. She died alone.

I do wonder how those posters will feel when they're the same age as the people they say should give up their homes and stuff like that (assuming they're lucky enough to reach that age).

Good luck with your return to work!

I have 2 children. We don't live near each other and I am divorced. If I die at my home, I don't know when anyone will find me. They are very bad at communicating although we get on ok

Good luck with your return to work!

Thanks. It was going to be a 3 month break. Currently two and a half years in.....😂

Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents?

Yes

Someone said to me on another thread that it's usually the parents who weren't particularly great as parents who place expectations on their children to provide care in old age. IMO it's true.

I have no fear of dying alone, it will be what if will be, I might die tomorrow. Like a PP I do have concerns about having noone to advocate for me if DH goes before me, but not enough to wish I'd had kids - what sort of reason would that be?!

The only person who ever said this to me (about 30 years ago) did die alone, despite having two sons - he'd not seen them for years. There are no guarantees. I'd much rather die by myself than having had children, and all that entails.

I have a DNR, a will, an LPA. The attorneys are my younger brother and sister, whom I trust completely. I have the financial security for them to choose a place they know I would like, if it comes to that.

I'm not worried about the end. It comes to us all, and now that I have the necessities in place I'm happy enough.

I am in the process of future proofing my house also. Putting in a downstairs bathroom, widening doors, and keeping a room free downstairs for a bedroom if needed. Costing me a ton, but if I live long enough to appreciate it some day, it will be worth it.

I am glad I don't have children for many reasons, but a big one is I won't have to worry about them when I'm gone.

Having children guarantees nothing.

Other than 18+ years of watching your child grow into an fully functioning adult. It's an unique experience that's really 2nd to none.

*Having children guarantees nothing.

Other than 18+ years of watching your child grow into an fully functioning adult. It's an unique experience that's really 2nd to none*

I can't even. Can we PLEASE have our board to ourselves?

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight well said I couldn't agree more.

My much loved Mum died with my sister, her husband my daughter and me at her bed side. She had been unresponsive for 24 hours prior to her death. I suspect she neither knew nor cared who was there.

we all do dying alone. How can we not? No one should follow us on that particular journey.

And, opening poster, think on this. At least you won't be putting a burden (however welcome that burden may be) of caring for you on another.

Nope. We must bow to the superiority of parents.

It's only second to none if you want children though, and we don't, that's why we are childfree.

We also don't know what love really is because we don't have children.

@Ylvamoon
Just why the random comment ?

Ghastly

Because some people don't care that this is the Childfree board - they have to talk about how wonderful it is to be a parent.

@BlastedSkreet

You are rather glad about this fact, I feel some unpleasantness in your clear glee at being able to make such a statement

Because we have to be told what sublime second to none experiences we're missing. The fact that by choosing to be childfree we're not missing them at all whooshes over their heads.

It’s weird because isn’t dying in your sleep - and therefore alone - the one most people say they’d prefer?

I don’t mind if I die alone. I’m more concerned about it being quick and painless than who is there with me!

everything has its opposite. You don’t have a child you feel lonely. You have one and it brings great joy but also great, great sorrow. It's constantly in the back of your mind that now exists the potential in the world to break you into pieces if anything happened to your children.
They bring anguish and can make choices that ruin your life and you have to watch them ruin their life and you can do nothing.

This is the worst of it, but if you had to pick right now between that type of anguish and the emptiness that may come if you don’t have children, you just have to pick one.

It's always there that this precious thing exists and if anything happened to her I don’t know if I could go on.
When I had no children the things I worried about seem completely insignificant, but they weren't at the time. It's all completely relative.

I'm glad I had a child but it certainly brings its own issues, but we're all here to experience.

@CleverLilViper You really don't like people with children much, do you?

I tell you what, the experience may well be second to none but if someone deposited an infant on my doorstep like in Harry Potter I’d definitely be off to die alone. Pronto.

(Before anyone starts, no I do not hate kids. I just would rather die than have one. And thank God I have the choice.)

Yes. Because we have to be reminded - repeatedly - about how being a parent is superior to not being a parent.

When I had no children the things I worried about seem completely insignificant, but they weren't at the time

[insert anguished screaming here]

Does she have to? I mean, is liking parents mandatory, or something?

Right now between that type of anguish and the emptiness that may come if you don’t have children, you just have to pick one

I'll pick not having children, thanks. No idea what the rest of that was about, if I'm honest.