"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

have three relatives who had no children. All three were tremendously lonely in the last few years

I had a great aunt who never married (boyfriend killed in the battle of the Somme, she was forced to abort the baby she was carrying by GGM, imagine THAT in 1916) and she had a better social life than the rest of the family combined. The only reason her funeral wasn't packed out was that she lived to be 100 and all her friends were dead.

I would rather die alone as a child free woman than as someone who had children who couldn't be bothered with them, as often happens.

People do spout some absolute nonsense about the lives of those who don't have children.

Yes, but many feel they are obligated to. It is mostly women who feel like it is their responsibility. Men not so much.

One of the hospital staff told me when my DF was dying that there are people who don't sit with their family members when they are dying, often because they just can't face it. And no, I wasn't there when DF died, he left before I got to the hospital that morning. My DM died quite suddenly in a rest home, so them having a child meant nothing in their last moments.

Doesn't bother me. As Buffy said, I've died before. I went into cardiac arrest after an accident and got revived. Your own death is absolutely nothing to fear: you won't be there. Just like before you were born.

There is that. I meant more that some children don't visit their parents at all while they are in hospital. Even before they die. A lot just phone for updates. So it's really naive to think that just because you have children they're going to surround you as you pass. And like you've experienced, sometimes it's not even possible. Which means throwing "you're going to die alone" at CF people actually really stupid.

Do people really say this? Incredibly insensitive and cruel!

Having done end of life care for a close relative, I've no idea why anyone would wish that on their kids. It's traumatising.

My father died unexpectedly after a short illness when I was in my late teens. He was in his mid sixties. He was in ICU at the end, indications were that he had suffered brain damage and the doctors told us they thought it would be best to switch off life support and let him go with dignity. We (mum, me, sibling) were not with him at the end. I remember being so frightened and distraught - but have felt guilty ever since. I’m not particularly afraid of dying alone myself though.

The only thing I care about is that I have adequate pain relief when dying but that's best provided by a healthcare professional- not going to have children on the off chance one might be there and be needed to advocate for that for me at the time.

We hosted a Ukranian mum and 2 children for 13 months and watching up close the amount of time and energy she had to sacrifice to looking after them was truly eye-opening. I knew beforehand that I wanted to remain childfree but observing a good mum up close massively reconfirmed that. She never got to put herself first and her children didn't notice or appreciate what she did for them. No way would I go through all that for however many years for some theoretical company at the end of my life.

My Aunt never had children of her own but she died surrounded by her 5 nieces and holding one of their hands. She was the best Aunt and I drove 200 miles to be with her for the last week of her life, spending 2 nights sitting in a chair by her bed and my sister's and I made sure she wasn't alone for a second. You don't have to be a parent to be very loved. 💕

I think a lot of people are taking about the weeks or months of poor health leading up to death not the minutes before and immediately after.

I think a lot of people are taking about the weeks or months of poor health leading up to death not the minutes before and immediately after

Really? I understood it to be at the moment of your death, you'll be alone. Not everyone has weeks or months of poor health, either. I can't imagine that most people who do have continual company in those weeks or months, whatever their parental status.

I wonder if what the people who say this really mean is 'I'm afraid of dying alone and I'm projecting that fear onto you.'

It really doesn't matter what people mean when they say this - the moment of death or the weeks/months/years before. It's still a shit thing to say.

I think it assumes that those without children are unable to make other meaningful connections during their life. I do not have children (by circumstance) or nieces or nephews (also by circumstance as I am an only child). I will admit that the thought of being alone in my final months / weeks does scare me, but I am trying to live my life in a way that means I will have other people who care about me. For example, through charity and community work. Of course it is no guarantee that anyone will be there, but it increases the chance that someone might be. I did read a comment on another thread from a nurse saying that in her experience, often people who think they have 'nobody' (in terms of family) are well supported and respected and that they have earnt this by the way they have lived their life.

It’s a way for some people who have children to feel superior.

i don’t have children and it has been said to me. More is a passive aggressive way - that poor women no children no one to visits.

it’s also quite misogynistic- only really said about women. The dying alone and eaten by your cats nonsense is into ever targeted at single women.

Funny how no one says that to the men who walk out on their kids without a backwards glance. It's socially acceptable for men to leave their marriage AND family they have created but not socially acceptable for a woman to never have kids 🤔

Look at the statistics as well things like how many people in prison were abandoned by their fathers. How many children currently living in poverty wouldn't be if their fathers paid child support, various outcomes for children with a father vs no father etc but it's still fine that so many men leave their children (to the point it's a TV trope/running joke online eg he popped out for milk 14 yesrs ago, he went to the shop for some cigarettes 30 yesrs ago type of thing) and it's not fine that people choose to never have any because they'll die alone 🙄

I see your “hard to believe this is said to people” and raise you a “this was said to me by my own mother”.

It's naive to think your children will definitely look after you in old age.

They may die before you, move overseas or put parents in a care home. They may be unwell themselves.

It's a strange mindset to assume children will totally look after you in later life. It's not guaranteed.

I see your “hard to believe this is said to people” and raise you a “this was said to me by my own mother”

Was said to me repeatedly by a colleague who took my not having children as a personal insult; but some people don't get that just they haven't heard it doesn't mean it hasn't been said.

Looking at the poor children who've lost their lives like Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, there are many people who should never, ever be having children.

If anyone ever used that dying alone line on me, it'd probably be the last time I saw them.

It was for me. And she was my mum’s sister.

Mum never spoke to her again either.

I agree.

And often a sense of misplaced ego that they like to assume when the time comes they'll have a flock is adoring people permanently nursing them at their bedside, never leaving their side, until they gently fall asleep.

It's a nice thought, whereas in reality they'll statistically also be alone in a nursing home, chatting bollocks to anyone that'll listen about the one visit they had this month before the long beep occurs in the night. The staff wait until they've finished their coffee break before carting them down to the fridge in order to free up the bed. Sounds harsh, but reality bites.

The staff wait until they've finished their coffee break before carting them down to the fridge in order to free up the bed. Sounds harsh, but reality bites.

Seriously? I don't live in the UK but that is definitely not what happens here.