"Die Alone."

[CleverLilViper]

This seems to be a favourite "bingo" that parents like to fling at the child-free among us.

It's one of the more curious comments I've heard. Sometimes it's referenced as "Good luck dying alone in the nursing home," "You'll regret not having kids when you're dying alone," etc.

It's curious because it's rather cruel and spiteful. You can almost hear them wishing for it, gleefully, but also curious because it makes me think they're delusional.

I've always responded by reminding them that most of the beds taken up in nursing homes are filled by parents. Many of whom receive few to no visits at all from their adult DC.

Death is also a journey we all undertake alone, in one form or another. It doesn't scare me all that much (perhaps I'm not yet at an age where it's a constant factor) and I wouldn't want to be surrounded by grieving adult DC and potential DGC during that time anyway. No one is guaranteed to die surrounded by loved ones and for many, kids or no kids, this isn't what transpires.

So what is the real point they're driving at? Are they trying to convince and comfort themselves that they made the right choice in becoming parents? When I receive or hear these comments said to other people, I often want to ask if they had their DC to be their retirement plan because so often, they list no other "benefit" of having children other than "Well, I won't be lonely when I'm old."

It also raises the issue, at least for me, about regret and how meaningful that is as a driving force behind our decisions. If I make it to old age, and finally enter a nursing home, needing round the clock care, but I've enjoyed my life up to that point. I've lived it on my terms and done what I wanted my way, why would I, in my winter years, look back on that and think, "Gee, you know what I should have done? Had kids because then I may not be sat in this nursing home right now."

It seems odd to me to base a massive life decision that will change my life forever-better or worse-on the fear of regretting not doing it for a few months or maybe short years at the end of my life. Like, I get where they're trying to come from-but it's just odd. If I'm only potentially going to feel regret when I'm way old anyway and going to be happy the rest of it-why does that short time of regret matter?

I apologise as I AM a parent, but when I put my back out and asked dd to help me put some socks on, the sheer look of horror on her face killed any thought that she might take on any unpleasant caring duties in the future. I wouldn't expect it anyway. And it worries me more in fact that she might have deal with all that shit on her own. So it's not really a reassuring thing.

You don't like childfree people very much, do you @CurlewKate , although this is the Childfree board?

@MissAmbrosia Parents are fine and welcome - just not the ones who act like they desperately need to convert you to parenthood.

I think you’re doing the right thing by your daughter.

Def getting to recognise the names here.

OP I'm so sorry you've had such comments said to you. That is a really horrible way to talk to someone! Whoever said it must be feeling insecure about their own life choices, is all I can say. Which doesn't really help you in the slightest I realise.

Fwiw I agree with you that ultimately we all die alone. I have a son but when I got diagnosed with ovarian cancer and even when it took a nasty turn I didn't feel that having a son was of any assistance to me. If anything it was just another horrific thing to contemplate - that he would be left without a mother. And at the point where I was nearest to death (now since gone) my greatest thought in regard to him was how to shield him from it. It was of no comfort to me at all that I had a son. Quite the opposite.

I guess anyone can make glib remarks about situations that are theoretical though.

For you maybe. But for me, that would be as exciting as watching paint dry.

To re-phrase my deleted post: another tedious post.

It's a bizarre reason to have children. Transform your entire life just so the last five minutes of it isn't lonely (and even then that's no guarantee). I have a child but my reasoning for having one had nothing to do with dying alone. It's a horrible thing to say.

I've never said any such thing.

My post is about people with kids making snide remarks about how people who choose or who don't have kids by circumstance "dying alone," and taking glee in what they think will be our apparent last years spent wallowing in misery and regret.

But of course, it's me and other child-free people like me who have the problem. Not the parents making the comments themselves.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain "Does she have to? I mean, is liking parents mandatory, or something?"

Of course she doesn't and no it isn't.

But that opening post is extraordinarily vicious, whatever group it was about.

I have no problem with the idea of dying alone. My life; my death.

Other than 18+ years of watching your child grow into an fully functioning adult. It's an unique experience that's really 2nd to none

Didn't seem to fill DM with deep joy.

I think it’s odd timing. There have been a shit ton of AIBU threads lately with parents complaining about the behaviour of other kids, and each one flooded with comments suggesting that those complaining must be CF and so it’s all down to them having their board. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we’re seeing a lot of toady posts here at the moment.

Good point.

🤷🏽‍♀️ It's a parenting site.

But that opening post is extraordinarily vicious

No it isn't. You might not like it and you might not like the way OP has phrased it, but 'extraordinarily vicious' is ludicrously hyperbolic.

Oh NO! it IS? why did no-one TELL US!! 🙄

And this is the Childfree board, that MN is happy for us to have. You have SCORES of boards where you can post, we have one. Or we did, anyway.

🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s a childfree board.

I have 3 DC and have strictly instructed my eldest ( she's an adult, the younger two are little kids so this conversation will happen in a few years) that no matter what happens to me in my old age she is NOT to put her own life on hold or run herself ragged taking on caring duties for me. It is not what I want.

Yet another parent tone policing.

I can voice my experience and my opinion how I want to. I'm within MN's guidelines. You may not like it-but this board isn't for you.

As it happens, I don't mind parents at all. I don't even mind children all that much. I low noise tolerance, but I'm not some witch who despises all children.

What I don't like are the parents who go out of their way to make snide, cruel and shitty comments that child-free people like me are going to die alone and wallow in misery and regret when we're old because we made different choices to them.

Why do you think I should like or respect those people? They don't like or respect child-free people.

What I don't like are the parents who go out of their way to make snide, cruel and shitty comments that child-free people like me are going to die alone and wallow in misery and regret when we're old because we made different choices to them

And who then get their knickers in a twist when called out on their attitude. OK for you to make snide, cruel remarks? don't moan when you get it back.

Two excellent posts in a row.

And this is the section of the forum for CHILDFREE members.