Worst comment you've had as a child free woman

[derekdied]

I'll start. Someone I had literally met about fifteen minutes previously. One of her first questions "do you have kids?" Me "no.." her "oh could you just not be bothered with the responsibility?" 😮

I had the same “you’re not a real woman” comment. I wonder whether we met the same asshole bloke? I was young and a bit less forthright so didn’t say anything at the time. I’d be different now. See also being told “you’re not a proper wife to your husband”.

I’ve never wanted them and thought I was off the hook at least with my family when my father told me right after a particularly brutal break up at the grand old age of 26 that I’d “left it too late for marriage and children”. He started hassling me for babies once I was married so I enjoyed reminding him it was too late for me.

Who are all these people saying this to you?

or that I would think differently when I met the right man

As if you're a silly little girl who can't possibly know her own mind and needs Big Strong Husband to make the right decision for her. I wish I'd thought of the response I saw a while back - 'If he wants children he's not the right man.'

Presumably people who think having children give them some sort of insight into the definition of 'what real love is.' Do you want names, or something?

People I know in person but the worst culprits are people on MumsNet!

I like to think I'd have replied, whilst patting her hand reassuringly, "gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Thank god we've moved on from that"

'Yeah, well, thank goodness I'M not married to a rapist. Are you suggesting it's Ok for my DH to actually RAPE me?' And watch her pick the bones out of that one.

Not anywhere near as bad a lot of the previous comments here but I'm childless and the ones that have stung me:

When I was in pain after serious surgery that risked impacting my fertility (and probably did), my SIL telling me "you don't know real pain, you haven't been through childbirth"

Same SIL constantly commenting whenever we go away etc. "well you've nothing better to do since you don't have kids".

Different SIL, who didn't know the whole extent of our fertility struggles but knew about at least one miscarriage, telling us her children were missing out by not having cousins.

Also had some of the you won't know real love until you've kids comments when I was younger, now that I'm older thankfully they're drying up.

Moved to a new country. Friend held drinks for us to meet people

Person 1 asks where I live. 'Oh so your kids go to X school?' I respond 'oh we don't have kids'. She says 'oh sure but when you do they'll go there. It's a great school'. I say 'oh we don't want kids'.
Her face literally fell and her expression was one as if I had told her i was a serial murderer.
She turned and started talking to the person next to her and she never acknowledged me again that night nor in the handful of times I've met her since.

Person 2: 'how did your kids find the move?' 'Oh I don't have kids'. Silence.
'Oh are you finding it difficult to conceive? I've got this amazing acupuncturist I'll send you her details. Have you tried just relaxing and not trying so hard? We are so lucky it just happened as soon as we tried'! (Tinkly laugh). 'Oh no we don't want kids'. Silence.
'Oh well.. each to their own. What ever makes you happy. I can't understand that attitude.' And then she walked off
She's another one who has studiously ignored me since then.

It's fine. Made me find my tribe quicker and both are roundly considered by others (including other mothers) as insufferable kiddy obsessed drips so I'm cool with it!

I returned to work after having surgery which involved having a total hysterectomy in order to save my life. My colleagues hadn't been told what was going on other than that I was having surgery and they were full of questions once I was back, so I told them what had happened.

One of them blurted out, "but why would you choose to have a hysterectomy? You don't have kids."

I said, "I didn't. It was to save my life."

She blinked and said, "I'd have rather died than not get to have my kids." Then burst into tears.

Two of my colleagues ended up comforting her and scolding me for being upset because she was a mum and any mum would feel the same way.

I learned my lesson not to tell people at work bloody anything!

Can I just check, are "childless" women not 'allowed' to post on the childfree board? And by that, I mean women who want/wanted to have children but couldn't for reasons outside their control.

Just childfree by choice then?

I’ve had the ‘you don’t know love until you’ve had a child’ comments, and a lot of memes saying that get shared on FB by my friends with children.

No, they are welcome. MN chose the board title but the spirit of the board is to capture both childless and childfree women. There have been other threads on the board from those who are posting from the former position.

As I said upthread this board is for all women who don’t have children, whatever the reason.

I once saw a meme that said “grandchildren are the reward for everything you’ve done right in your life.”

I mean, what the actual fuck!

I'm not the poster you were addressing, but when I had these types of comments, it tended to be people I didn't really know acquaintances, friends of neighbours I met at parties, relatives of friends, or people I met because of a service hairdressers, taxi drivers etc. But I got them quite often, and then, as I said above, when I had a child when I was 40, the same kinds of people would ask if I had children, and when before they would have had the 'selfish/mateiralistic/irresponsible'/'you don't know real love until you have a child' comments, when I said I had one, they immediately switched to when was I having another one, because I couldn't just have one, it was cruel, selfish, lonely onlies etc etc.

From my mother - ”There’s something wrong with you” but the one the sticks out and I’ll never forget was her “you’ll regret it and I can’t wait to say I told you so”. It wasn’t the words heard those a million times, but the delivery and her tone that just made me freeze. There was a viciousness in her voice I’d never heard before and she spat out the words like she was cursing me and willing the regret to happen. It was awful and I’ll always remember that.

@HenriettaTheVIII I'm really sorry, that's awful.

Our mums just have a unique power to get to us in a way that others don't. Mine told me repeatedly that if she'd had her chance again, she wouldn't have had them, and that she hoped she wasn't getting grandkids. She got lucky but she doesn't have me now either.

I remember telling a friend of my mum's that I didn't want children and she responded with "you are incredibly selfish, your mother has a right to grandchildren and you've got no right to deny her".

Being dismissed as a woman for being “barren” was a real joy.

I've had a few of the comments mentioned here, but I think what annoys me most is when seeing family or a friend who's just had a baby (or when colleagues bring their baby in to the office to show them off during mat leave), they always seem to make a beeline straight for me (or any other childfree woman if there is one) and thrust their baby at me with a benevolent smile. Often followed by a comment like 'There, see?? You're a natural!' (I'm really not, I'm happy they're happy but have no real interest in holding their baby and am always worried I'll drop them).

It's like they think I must be eternally grateful for the chance to hold a baby as I haven't experienced the 'joy' of having my own, or maybe that they think that holding their child will miraculously make me see the light and realise I want one of my own?! Fuck knows but it has the opposite effect!

It also has a lot of comments from women who wanted children but couldn't have them. Whilst I appreciate they have a lot to contribute to this conversation, isn't the childfree board for women who are child free by choice? Correct me if I'm wrong!

There are comments literally 5 or 6 before yours where it's explained that childless posters are welcome.

I’m saying this for the third time on this thread. The childfree board is for all women who do not have children, whatever the reason.