Very worried about child with nanny - any advice? Long post!!

[Possiblyparanoid]

I'm in a really awkward situation. We have had our nanny almost a year and have 3 children, the eldest two are fine with the nanny but have said nanny has become quite strict. The youngest who is 2.5 has for the last couple of months become increasingly upset when the nanny comes. She will start crying when she hears the nanny's voice and has gone from clinging to us and crying, and most recently saying "no not (nannys name)" when nanny arrives to begging to go to bed, even twice has tearfully asked to put clothes on if the nanny has come whilst getting dressed, and once at a meal time had got down from the table but ran back to it and started eating when the nanny arrived.

My partner watched the nanny force food into her mouth last week until she was sick - but stupidly didnt say anything and this week when the nanny arrived I said that the baby really didnt seem to like them at the mo but didnt understand why - the nanny looked uncomfortable but offered no explanation. I have heard the nanny shouting at her on serveral occassions.

It has gotten to the point where we feel terrible leaving our daughter alone with the nanny particularly as the elder 2 are often not around.

The nanny is leaving us in 3 months but I dont think I can cope with seeing our little one so distressed during this time. She is normally so happy, playful & sociable and loves her other babysitter but is totally different when the nanny is here, she seems withdrawn.

My hubby & I have spent the last 2 months saying to each other not to jump to conclusions but something is seriously wrong here. Has anyone got any advice? I have to give one months notice to end contact but wouldn't even know what to say.

I think you know what you have to do. I don't know how you say it.

I hope you find someone lovely to replace her. And quickly.

It sounds like your 2.5 year old is terrified. What on earth is she doing to make a toddler behave in this way?

It's easy to say "Fire Her!" but I do understand your position.

You will need to talk to her and say that you're unhappy with how strict she is and that unless she doesn't change you don't feel that she should continue. Personally, at that point I would arrange to work from home so I can supervise for a week or two.

It will be awkward, but I really feel that you need to do it for the sake of your DC.

I don't know what it is but it's getting me more upset as the weeks have gone on and I realise it's not just a phase.

My problem is neither my hubby or I can work from home, it's just not an option as self employed so no income if off work.

It's really difficult because we try and see the best in ppl so keep coming up with silly reasons as t why she is behaving like this but to be honest its breaking our hearts as we know something is not right at all.

BTW nanny is a he - sorry thought I'd just mention that as I was confusing myself when I read ur replies referring to she!

When I typed 'her', I thought I was being presumptious and that the nanny could just as easily be a 'he' but I put 'she' anyway

Can you talk to the nanny and ask if anything has changed? Is he is ok? If he notices any difference?

At least by having that conversation, things might improve while you look for someone else.

Hi I know I was trying not to state either way but realised I was only confusing myself lol

Yes I did mention it to the nanny this week but he thought it was because she didnt like his routines. He sees her reaction and tells her to stop being silly, but then I suppose we all do as I think everyone finds it awkward.

That's true, maybe I should sit him down and say she is unhappy and try and establish why - just part of me is worried he may be nastier to her when we are not around.

Oops! Yes, apologies. My nannies have always been female so I just automatically said 'she'.

You definitely need to deal with this, and it will be a huge pain.

Is the fact that having no childcare is going to be a huge problem affecting your decision to deal with this?

What will happen if he leaves? Next week what would you have to do?

I've found that if you are suddenly in that situation you do manage to deal with things, no matter how awful the prospect seems beforehand.

Sorry to hear your story

If this has already been going on for 2 months, then I'm sure you can't cope with it for another 3 months.

If not working is not an option, could you afford two lots of childcare? Maybe a childminder and pay your current nanny's notice period?

Why is he leaving in 3 months anyway? Could this be linked to the current problem?

urmmm

WHY are you STILL leaving your child with this person after posting that?

Sack him - pay him off if necessary or check the contract of employment. The relationship between nanny, child and parent has broken down irretrievably. I really, really wouldn't leave my child with someone who terrifies and torments them - forcing food in until she was sick? Horrifying.

Call a nanny agency and get someone temporary in while you recruit a new nanny.

I'm also wondering how you can bear to leave your dc with this person

sounds like gross misconduct to me - force feeding and shouting is never ok behaviour for a nanny - get rid

Erm you are not possiblyparanoid this situation sounds awful for your LO. Have you brought up with nanny the food forcing incident?? That alone would be grounds for instant dismissal IMO, no childcarer I know would dream of doing that and would find the thought as horrible and upsetting as I do.

Do you have anyone who could have your dd short notice? Try emergency childcare website and place your youngest with a cm, tbh I think you need to tckle this now. Your dd is telling you she is unhappy, your dd has witnessed unprofessional behaviour, at the end of the day you owe it to your dd to make things better for her. Whether this is taking time off, finding alternative care, or sorting with nanny (I would not consider this option btw). Hope you work something out soon.

You are not paranoid. As others have said, sack him,(immediately), and get a temp' nanny if neccessary. Even if it ends up costing you a lot more money than you would normally pay for child care, please don't leave your children with him any more.

A 2.5 year old tells you SO MUCH by their behaviour. Your DH has actually witnessed mistreatment and you can tell that things are very very wrong.

You have to be very adult about this and deal with an uncomfortable situation for the sake of your child's wellbeing. DH and you should do it together. I would do anything to avoid leaving your little one with hime again.

Good luck - I'm sure this is a very difficult one for you to deal with x

Force-feeding until your child is sick? Sorry, but I'd have sacked him on the spot.

as a nanny i have to say - omg get rid of him

Agree with others, this can't go on, fire him, it's gross misconduct forcing a child to eat until they're sick, how bloody vile.

Good grief - are you quite mad?

Why on earth would you continue to employ someone like this?

What did you say when you witnessed the food forcing episode? If it had happened in my house then the nanny would have been off the premises with P45 in hand within 30 seconds!

At what point do you intend to put your child's needs first?

That nanny is a bastard and needs firing imo.

Having said that, I appreciate it's much easier said than done, so your real question is how to fire the nanny without upsetting the children overly, and how to do it without getting sued, and how to find a replacement asap.

You could start by sitting down and giving a formal verbal warning (if that's the disciplinary procedure set out in your contract) with an understanding that the nanny is on thin ice? Though I do think the force-feeding until a child is sick is reason enough.

I also have a concern that the nanny has his eyes on the end of the job, and has got a bit sloppy and uncaring. Line up a replacement or arrange some parental leave asap.

am filled with horror on behalf of the child.

PLEASE do not leave her with this person again.

i am with soapy and nannyL on this - wtf are you thinking??

I would be worried about her asking to put her clothes on if the nanny is there - this is the thing that would set alarm bells ringing for me.

Also if I saw someone force feeding my child sod work they would be out of there in the blink of an eye.

You are the parent here - you make the decisions and can't be afraid to speak up for what is right!

Have you asked your youngest why she is afraid of him?

sued? sued??

anyone who is mistreating my dc can take any legal advice they like, but they can do it off of my property and away from my dc.

if your children are terrified of the nanny, it has undoubtably become an unworkable situation. there is no judge in the land who would enforce you keeping this person in contact with your dc.

and when you fire him, fgs do not consent to giving a reference. if there is a nanny agency, i think you should call and speak to them about him too.

Sorry but how on earth could your partner have watched whilst his 21/2 year old was force fed till she was sick?

Why on earth are you still letting the nanny look after your children. I'd have sacked them on the spot and marched them out of the house.

This thread has made me so unhappy. I really dont get it at all.

sorry, but would fire him. Can you speak to the older children and see if they can give you an idea of whats happening when your not there
Im sorry a child begging to go to bed, or to get dressed is worrying, let alone forcefeeding till shes sick.
Where are you in UK? have you not got a friend that can help?

Never done this before - but - I don't think this is a legitimate post.

If it is legit, then PP needs to come back & tell us what the contract says about maltreatment & that she has given this person notice. As there is no other solution.

(For interest, suspicion is raised by - careful non-identification of the nanny's gender in original post, so that it is "revealed" controversially in subsequent post; and that thing about the child wanting its clothes on when the nanny arrives, which reads to me like setting the scene for suspicions of abuse activity.)

Also, as a longterm reader of nanny problem threads, things just don't get this bad with the parents being this passive. So, you who are feeling upset, don't. IMO.