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Very worried about child with nanny - any advice? Long post!!

215 replies

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 03:16

I'm in a really awkward situation. We have had our nanny almost a year and have 3 children, the eldest two are fine with the nanny but have said nanny has become quite strict. The youngest who is 2.5 has for the last couple of months become increasingly upset when the nanny comes. She will start crying when she hears the nanny's voice and has gone from clinging to us and crying, and most recently saying "no not (nannys name)" when nanny arrives to begging to go to bed, even twice has tearfully asked to put clothes on if the nanny has come whilst getting dressed, and once at a meal time had got down from the table but ran back to it and started eating when the nanny arrived.

My partner watched the nanny force food into her mouth last week until she was sick - but stupidly didnt say anything and this week when the nanny arrived I said that the baby really didnt seem to like them at the mo but didnt understand why - the nanny looked uncomfortable but offered no explanation. I have heard the nanny shouting at her on serveral occassions.

It has gotten to the point where we feel terrible leaving our daughter alone with the nanny particularly as the elder 2 are often not around.

The nanny is leaving us in 3 months but I dont think I can cope with seeing our little one so distressed during this time. She is normally so happy, playful & sociable and loves her other babysitter but is totally different when the nanny is here, she seems withdrawn.

My hubby & I have spent the last 2 months saying to each other not to jump to conclusions but something is seriously wrong here. Has anyone got any advice? I have to give one months notice to end contact but wouldn't even know what to say.

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NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:17

Get on with it!

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:18

I know I am being very nosey and judgemental but weren't you spitting feathers at your dh?

notjustmom · 12/04/2008 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imananny · 12/04/2008 16:18

poss par - thats what i said, as the feeding issue wasnt dealt with at the time, and your dh was there,and didnt comment, i dont think you can sack without pay

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:20

Hercules this is not a wind up I am simply trying to be fair. As mentioned I did not know about the force feeding until yesterday and until this point had been upset that my daughter did not like it when nanny arrived but had put it down to me going to work....I really dont understand why you have a problem with me trying to get some impartial help.

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hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:22

That's what makes us different I guess. I wouldnt consider issues of 'fairness' in this case. DOnt see how fairness comes into it really. Bit difficult to get impartial advice on a parenting website about a this person too who is doing this to your 21/2 year old and you are dithering about what to do.

nannynick · 12/04/2008 16:23

I agree that making a case for Gross Misconduct may be tricky. As your partner was present, that could have been taken as implied consent.

If paying them off is not a problem financially, then pay them to leave.
If you need to terminate on Gross Misconduct grounds, then seek professional legal advice - your employers liability insurance provider will usually have a helpline which can provide an hour's worth of advice for free.

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:23

I really will leave this thread now as I cant be impartial and I agree that's not fair to you.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:23

Yes hercules I have been and I was very very upset last night that he wouldn't talk to me about it and that I had to phone my mother on the other side of the world for her help and come here for advise and support instead.

I am not taking any of this lightly at all.

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NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:23

No one has a problem with you asking for help.

I guess we are all amazed that you haven't sacked him immediately and seem more bothered about protecting yourself from legal preceedings than the well being of your child.

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:24

If you only found out he forced your child to take food yesterday, when did it happen, and I don't see why you can't sack him immediately with no pay tbh. I would.

hercules1 · 12/04/2008 16:24

I really will leave this thread now as I cant be impartial and I agree that's not fair to you.

imananny · 12/04/2008 16:25

phone your nanny,and then send a cheq/pay into their account the notice period

then

ring around some agencies and try to arrange a temp nany, if you cant not take time off work

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:27

Yes nannynick and Imananny that's what I was thinking.

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LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 16:29

i think the Op has been jumped on enough now, dont you? think shes gotten the message loud and clear... adn to continue pure outrage posts is not helping anyone, the dc involved included.

the OP asked for advice on how to get rid immediately... has never had a nanny before, IS HUMAN and was not sure about what a bunch of info, in an escalating situation means.

calling her a shit mother putting work and money before her child is just plain shitty imo.

she sounds like shes doing her smeggin best here - she asked for info, and now shes got it. no need to keep kicking her now shes down.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:29

By NotABanana on Sat 12-Apr-08 16:23:32
No one has a problem with you asking for help.

I guess we are all amazed that you haven't sacked him immediately and seem more bothered about protecting yourself from legal preceedings than the well being of your child.

Not a Banana as I have said I have only just found out about it!!! I'm not sure y ur AMAZED, I could hardly phone and sack the nanny at 3 in the morning!

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Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:30

hubby said it happened last Saturday morning, so a week ago.

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imananny · 12/04/2008 16:31

right, glad we got that sorted

{gives pen to PP to write cheq for notice payment)

im glad you have decided to let nanny go

LilyMunster · 12/04/2008 16:33

sounds like the nanny in question deciding on a change of career is a good idea, eh?

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:38

Yes think he will go back to this sort of thing at some time tho as his studies were child related.

Thank you so much to those of you helping me on this - I guess sometimes you just need reassurance that you're thoughts are right.

Ok going to get the contract now and sort out the money, should I just write to the nanny (my mother thought it should be kept formal) or call him to say no longer needed, cheq in post etc?

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NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:44

I didn't realise it was 3 in the morning.

If it happened a week ago why have you only just found out?

NotABanana · 12/04/2008 16:45

Just curious, how old is the nanny?

imananny · 12/04/2008 16:45

i would ring as otherwise he will turn up on monday

so ring, explain thay you are letting him go and that you will send a month wages in post

nannynick · 12/04/2008 16:45

Call to inform him that his services are no longer required. Try to avoid going into detail. Tell him that you will be paying him in lieu of notice and have calculated what holiday is owed.
Write to him formally, outlining the above, giving date that the contract terminates. This letter can then be used for social security purposes should he need to claim job seekers allowance etc.
I think in doing this, you are effectively making him redundant - so you could give a reason such as your childcare requirements have changed. However, in saying that, you will need to stick with that for any written reference - though a written reference can just state facts, such as dates worked, that the employee was never late for work, that kind of thing.

Possiblyparanoid · 12/04/2008 16:52

Because hubby only just told me when I told him I was worried about the baby and the nanny. Not making excuses for hubby but he is from a very differnt culture where children are generally very disciplined, that said it did bother him but he was not sure what to say at the time, and basically didn't tell me until y'day.

Nanny is 23.

Ok will call him then write.

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