'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

That you probably won’t cry tears of joy. More tears of pain, frustration, tiredness and anger. All possibly within the first 4 weeks of being a parent.

That you might not love your baby straight away, and that’s ok, because once you’ve gotten over the physical side of birth a fierce and all consuming protective passion that’s so large it’s scary develops.

If you give birth vaginally your first wees will likely sting. Leaning forward on the loo can ease this. Some people recommend pouring water on yourself as you wee but that's a bit athletic for me!

Also bf babies don’t poo every day, or in both of my DCs cases even every week.
This is also OK.

when they do poo, it is an EVENT. And usually necessitated throwing away at least a vest maybe a gro too.

That they will shit in the bath and that you will probably catch it as it comes out to avoid too much mess.

Oh the joys.. 😂

That sometimes they struggle to take their feeds between a mixture of colic and reflux if they have it, and you will become neurotic with how often they are feeding and how much they're taking.

That you can be in labour for days and get sent home repeatedly.

That you basically need to wear a makeshift nappy after giving birth.

That your baby can cry for hours for no reason.

For a real life programme, one born every minute is highly inaccurate. I cried more watching other women hold their babies for the first time than i did holding my own and then thinking there was something wrong with me for not feeling all consuming unconditional love straight away.

Also breastfeeding may be "the most natural thing in the world" but it's difficult and it hurts for a while. I call bullshit to anyone who says "if you're doing it right it won't hurt". That's only true after a few weeks.

That your nipples get so long during the course of a breast feed that you look like an orangutan from a fucking Attenborough documentary

That 'sleep when baby sleeps' is almost impossible if you ever want to eat a meal with two hands and whilst it is still hot.

That the single most important skill you will develop as a parent is the ability to eat meals one handed.

Breastfeeding can hurt - even when there is nothing wrong!

You need to check your shoulder/back for baby sick before you go out!

Are you feeling anxious OP? Something about the brightness of your posts sounds a bit artificial.

That you will develop an instinct for putting out your hands to catch any vomit coming your way. Likewise with runny poo.

Bogeys won't bother you any more and you will find it satisfying picking them out of dcs nose while they sleep.

You will lose any rational thought you had before becoming a parent. Tiny things will worry you, you will lie awake just to make sure they are breathing, you will wonder if a small dose of the sniffles could actually be really serious and contemplate that it warrants being blue lighted to the hospital.

And you may well crap yourself on the labour bed - but your DH will deny it and the midwife will scoop it up and put it in the bin,

Shall I mention the first poo I had postpartum? Painful and disgusting. I had a c-section. The midwife said it was normal. I freaked.

@Battleax I read an amusing article/blog post this morning. And was curious about others experiences.

I really don't know what you mean by artificial??

(www.theunmumsymum.co.uk/poogate.html)

@VanGoghsLeftEar the blog post that made me think of starting this thread, was exactly about that! A very funny insight to early motherhood

Tht you then have to then give birth to the placenta! Who new this? 🙈

Mine are mainly poo based.

Noone told me newborns poo can squirt out of them as your changing a nappy. Noone told me that they might not poo for days but be ok.

Noone told me I wouldn't poo for 10 days after and then feel like my vagina was falling out when I finally did.

On the flipside absolutely no one told me childbirth can be ok, and not always the horrific event everyone says it is.

That you will never ever have TIME just lovely long lazy time to yourself to do NOTHING with....

I'm currently sat mainlining coffee & WiFi in Costa whilst DD is asleep just cause I can!

That you have heavy clotty bleeding for days afterwards - AND IT STINKS! The smell of the post birth bleeding will stay with me yuk and you have to wear big thick pads.

That on about day 4/5 your hormones are plummeting back down to normal and it can feel like the end of the world is happening. I remember crying on a young teenage nieces shoulder.

That pethidine (sp?) might be a wonder drug, but can also make you feel very sick.

That after the head comes out, the baby wriggles to turn round (well mine did!), and I remember feeling the wriggling sensation and shouting "get it out, get it out" sigh

That your birthplan is unlikely to be what actually happens.

That you'll see about 10 different midwives throughout your labour.

That the wards you stay on after giving birth are -not nice- and you won't sleep a wink.

n.b. the midwives I encountered were amazing, its not their fault the nhs is buggered.

That your nipples turn into the size of dinner plates. Which you only realise when you are feeding in front of all your relatives and friends and want to try and explain that they aren't usually so big. But they DO shrink back to normal size thank fuck.

That breast milk comes out of your nipples like a shower head not in a single stream. Mesmerising.

Your milk doesn't come in straight away. It usually takes 3-6 days. It doesn't mean you are one of those people that can't produce and you have to bottle feed. This is one of the most common misconceptions.

A newborns breathing is terrifying erratic.

0-3 won't fit your 0 month old. Get the newborn sizes babygrows.

Newborns have the longest sleep in the first day after birth. Sleep then to recover. Don't stay awake staring at them for hours/making sure they are still breathing.

Sometimes the baby feels like an alien and you have to fake it. Sometimes you are engulfed with love. Both are totally normal.