'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

Your baby will ALWAYS know when you have just made a cup of tea or something to eat.

Your baby will ALWAYS poo in the most inconvenient place at the most inconvenient time.

Oh yes, and a couple of days after giving birth you will be happily watching the tv and whoops! You've shit yourself.

Didn't help that I was taking iron either. Glorious.

That after pains get worse with second/third dc, and they FUCKING HURT!!

FrozenMargarita I see your happily watching tv and raise you in john lewis at 10 days after.

Small mercies meant I was already in the parents' room dealing with a hungry pooey boy, but also on iron.

Apparently breastfeeding causes the baby weight to ‘melt away’- not always. I have found that I am actually gaining weight, and I’m eating the same as I did before I got pregnant, plus breastfeeding, so I should be burning more calories, so I’m not too happy about putting on weight! I am trying to keep active too, by it doesn’t seem to be helping much, either. Sigh.

Oh @Abzs that must have been awful!!

I announced it to my husband as well, he was like 'ermmmmm ok!'

Your hormones are CRAZY after giving birth and you will spend hours crying because you feel like you are forever trapped by a baby in your house (even though it’s only been a week and you know that other people manage to leave the house with babies at some point).

That the downstairs swelling would be so bad I walked like john Wayne for a week.

That whenever they are asleep you think they are so angelic and wonder about when to have #2 then they wake and wonder how the hell people manage to have any more than one child they are that demanding!

That the sleep can go from amazing to awful, then ok then back to awful, and then even worse just in time to return to work! Meaning that the lovely year you had planned off on mat leave is just a continuous treadmill of effort and coffee.

That your baby’s giggles make up for all of the other shit!

notsureifimbeingur I was convinced by everyone I'd ever met who had a baby that losing baby weight was like some sisyphean endeavour but I ended up 6st 11lb with my mum force feeding me complan so I think it's just different strokes for different folks!

All the visitors you get literally days after giving birth are there to see the baby and not you, and are only being polite when they ask you how your birth was. Be prepared to share all the food you stocked up with them and sit uncomfortably on a cushion whilst they hold and ponder over your baby like it's an alien from another planet. Many of these same visitors are not to be seen months later when you would be happy to have people come and play with your baby...and even eat your food!

Every day they become slightly more than a autonomous. Just slightly. Soon they'll be four with their head in the fridge.

Oh and you don't even begin to celebrate a full night's sleep until after the fact. This lasts until they're about 4.

Night sweats were awful, but only happened with DS, not DD? Slept on a repel, woke up with it soaking Glam

The after pains were awful with DD, but none at all with DS.

You can't believe that anyone could ever sit through a full film in total peace, or watch a full episode of a soap, you can't imagine not being disturbed or on high alert.

You'll spend a lot of time wandering around thinking 'I have no idea what I'm doing' and 'why am I allowed to be in charge of this small human? I'm not qualified!!'

To remember that little head on your shoulder and bum in the other hand, take a photo of it.

Also that this is as tiny as they'll ever be.

That after an episiotomy your bottom will lose all of its ability to hold in your farts... you will be a walking whoopee cushion for a few weeks and there's nothing you can do about it, except try to stand up and move when other people aren't in the room!

Whyyyyyyyy did no-one telllllll meeeeeeeeee?

DD is 4.5 and this is still happening oh fuck

That you'll be walking through the car park in the shitey Homebase when your child is 6 month's old, turn to your DH and say "she's here ...... FOREVER"

DH was like WEIRDO

That the tender concern everyone has shown for you, while pregnant, will be immediately replaced by an attitude of " get on with it", regardless of what you might be going through.

Your early days and nights will be a blurry haze of baby feeding, baby crying and trying to get baby to sleep. I thought I could use my maternity leave to learn a craft, write a book, do some baking. Pregnant me was hilarious! In reality, I gave myself a silent high five on the days I found time to shower.

Not about having the baby (have posted above somewhere) but actually giving birth does not feel like a baby is coming out your fanny. It feels like it’s coming out your butt. Seriously about 10 minutes after I gave birth I asked why it felt like the baby came out the back and she laughed at me

That I didn't need to pack a bikini for a water birth. When it came down to it, I was more than happy to just strip off. Some call it losing your dignity, but I've been telling my pregnant sister that you become in awe, unashamed and proud of your body

Also that it's really difficult to tell if your baby is awake or asleep at night when it's making so much noise and you're short-sighted.

Four weeks in and a couple more things I've learned:

Babies smile in their sleep. You can lose hours watching them do this.

Picking up your fussing baby and soothing him instantly just by cuddling him makes you feel like you have superpowers. Picking up your fussing baby and not being able to soothe him no matter what you do makes you feel like a total failure. Both can happen several times a day. It's a rollercoaster.

However many muslin cloths you think you need, buy 50% more again. Ditto baby wipes. Place them strategically around the house. In every room. On every surface. You won't regret it!

Baby fingernails are vicious. I have the scratches to prove it. File them if you must, don't cut them.

Press studs are bastards. Why do baby clothes all come with press studs? They're next to impossible to do up when baby is flailing and kicking about. You may find yourself getting irrationally angry at the sodding things.

Your washing machine may decide it's life has suddenly gotten incomprehensibly harder and decide it wants to move in with the quiet old lady next door. Especially if you use cloth nappies.

Two weeks in I have some to add!

Yes childbirth feels like you are doing one giant, very stingy poo. You will mention this alot. You might also actually do said poo. You won’t care.

Whatever you do take some bloody isotonic drinks with you for labour. Otherwise they will send you out to the vending machine for them, regardless of the fact that you’re 6cm and REALLY need gas and air.

It will, at some point, become very very essential that you remove your bra right this second. I have no idea why I felt so strongly about this but I remember demanding to have it removed more strongly than I demanded pain relief.

You might not burst into floods of tears immediately the moment the baby appears like they do on films. But that’s ok because you’ll more than make up for it on day 3/4 when your hormones crash and you cry at a banana, or a cute garden bird. Or pretty much the whole world.

Whilst breastfeeding might well be the most natural thing on the planet, it also really hurts in the early days and you will spend every single second being absolutely paranoid about how much your baby is feeding and if they have gained weight. You will reenact day 3 when the midwives announce that your baby has lost weight and you need to top them up. You’ll feel like a failure. You’re not, just do what they’re telling you and it really will be ok.

If you’re breastfeeding you should apply the baby wipes and muslins logic from above to nipple cream and breast pads. In fact keep a tube of cream in your pocket at all times- it’s much easier to apply when warm!!

No one told me that at two weeks postpartum you will suddenly be aware of the fact that your giant pregnancy/post birth knickers are now too big. Apparently this is a thing when your uterus shrinks from “housing a giant baby” to “sort of like a satsuma” in 14 days.

Oh and the most impressive bit of knowledge I acquired was that baby girls can have a sort of period about a week after they’re born. It’s just withdrawal from all of your hormones that she was in contact with in the womb. Seeing my daughter have this and knowing what it was and not panicking has to be the pinnacle of my mumsnet acquired knowledge!!!

Oh my god yes, the giant pants! Went from fitting comfortably to hanging off me in the space of a few days. I was so glad to be rid of them!