'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

That going through labour is NOTHING compared to the following relentless hours/days/weeks/months of looking after a screaming reflux baby.

Drinking luke warm tea or coffee with a skin on top won't seem so bad.
You'll fondly remember the old routine of leaving the house...coat on, purse and keys and out the door.

That labour can be ok. That dad's also struggle to adjust. That it's ok to hold them for hours on end if that's what allows you time to chill. That you will get more sleep if you co sleep. That your belly will feel like wobbly jelly for a while.

Enjoy, op. I'm still snuggling my four week old and pretty much haven't put him down since he was born. He's my little limpet but is contented this way

The littlest member of the family's stuff takes up the most room in the house.

That you are supposed to "know" how to look after it as soon as it arrives. Nobody will come around telling you to change it, feed it or how to hold it.

that even if you have a c-section you still need maternity pads as you bleed.

That you will bless cabbage leaves as a gift from above when breast feeding

That you’ll feel like your stitches are splitting the first time you poo after the section.

Putting on a load of washing at 3am because baby won’t settle so you may as well do something with the other arm seems normal!

That you need to be really firm with family or friends that just show up unannounced.
The best ones will bring you food and put a wash on, the worst will expect dinner made for them and will stay for hours holding the baby.
That right after the birth, during the bath or shower you take, it will look like a shark attack.

You think labour is the hard bit.

'one born every minute' is a light entertainment programme, not a documentary...

Having some firm pillows to hand will help with breastfeeding and sitting etc

First few weeks - anything goes, whatever baby's sleeping/ eating is like, it will change!

You probably haven't ruined your life.

That you may find yourself singing 'Poop in the bath, poop in the bath (poop poop) poop in the bath, poop in the bath (poop poop)' to the tune of Blankety Blank as part of your coping mechanism during An Incident...

That you may well find yourself thinking 'I have made a terrible mistake and ruined my life' at times, and that is ok (so long as mostly you don't think that). I mostly think that at 3 - 4am these days when he just. Won't. Sleep. Especially when he then flings his teddy at my head and gives me a round of applause (I left him to his own devices at that point).

That you don't always lose weight breastfeeding. I put on 2 stone, my appetite was huge. It's falling off now I've stopped (after 20 months).

I didn't realise before birth how powerful your hormones were. When my milk was first coming in it was like getting hit by a train. Cold and hot sweats for 3 nights.

I didn't suffer from any post-natal depression after birth but had a period when I stopped BF. It was a bit scary as I didn't realise what it was at first. I had about a week where I would be walking along the road and detachedly considering throwing myself under a bus. Thankfully it fully passed once everything settled down.

Yes to the bleeding even after a section! I felt like a right numpty for not realising I would bleed that much. Think I assumed it was a war-wound sort of bleeding and I’d tjerefore be exempt 😂

That it takes months, not days or weeks, for your body to start resembling any kind of normal again.

That you have to ask for your stitches to be checked but that if you are in any doubt about what's going on down there you absolutely must do this from anyone and everyone.

That anything over 5 minutes is a successful breastfeed and it's perfectly normal for your baby to just do these little feeds

That it is very difficult indeed to get a baby ready to go out, in and out of its car seat and travel system and to get these things into your car. The first time I tried it I put in so much effort and it took so long I just wanted to give up - especially after having to stop half way through the task to deal with explosive poo.

@Spudlet that is hilarious 😂😂 I'm now singing it under my breath to myself

That if you eat a full punnet of grapes and are breastfeeding, your milk is affected and your DC may scream for hours. I had to attach myself to the electric pump in the feeding room until my milk was all gone. Midwife said I’d fermented it 😱

When you spend all day with a baby, and your husband comes home at night, you will look at his freakishly huge head and wonder if he is an alien, because only looking at newborn sized humans all day resets your idea of what proportions are normal

When your second dc comes along, your precious little first born baby, overnight, becomes a big lumping uncoordinated child

Its amazing what you can do in subsequent pregnancies with little ones at home, that you would never have though possible when pregnant with the first one

When you try to lie on your side after you've given birth your (newly empty) stomach sort of flops over and it can hurt. The pillows you tucked under your bump during pregnancy comes into use again until your muscles get the idea...

That you get so used to not drinking hot drinks within an hour of making them that when you do get a piping hot cup of tea it tastes funny.

You will become totally inured to bodily fluids. DS2 used to vomit regularly. I remember just turning him away from me and letting him throw up on a tiled floor rather than all over me.

You may cut your baby's finger when doing their nails - you will cry more than the baby if you do. (Sorry DS1)

You only find out that the envelop neck on vests is designed so you can take them off over the baby's legs rather than their head, after inching a poonami soaked vest over their head with predictable consequences.

Nobody ever told me I would be unable to hold farts in for some time after the birth, nor that I'd be bound to produce a smelly one when someone was visiting. Mind you this was in the days when they kept you in hospital for a week, so couldn't nip to the kitchen etc. in time.

That you are supposed to "know" how to look after it as soon as it arrives. Nobody will come around telling you to change it, feed it or how to hold it.

Oh my god this! I spent 3 nights on postnatal, midwives were fab but did assume I knew how to do everything even though it was all over my notes that this was my first baby.

I had no idea quite how far baby boys can pee when you take their nappy off...

That "you will get lots done during naps" is a load of tosh...you will either pass out on the sofa from exhaustion, or you will have a baby that doesn't nap/only naps on you.

Naps are 100% work

Nobody told me that I would fart forwards for quite some time.