'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

That the leakage afterwards isn't just like a period. I rang the ward in a panic only to be told to hold off until/unless I suddenly had a ridiculous fever or the clots got to the size of a satsuma. SATSUMA.

That babies make noises in their sleep for ages before they wake up. Wait until they are actually awake before you rush to pick them up/feed them otherwise you will get zero sleep ever.

seatoski ha, my friend bought her 10-month-old over when I'd been staying at a newborn for a week - he looked like a freakish giant baby!

That some babies learn to crawl backwards and then it's your fault that they get stuck

@seatoski. So true! I have just returned from soft play with my one year old, am 33 weeks pregnant with a knee injury. When I was at this stage of pregnancy with Dc1 I would never have dreamed of crawling around a ball pool!

If you can't breastfeed it isn't the end of the world. You don't need to cry and feel guilty and make yourself ill thinking you have failed as a mother and are poisoning your child with formula. Just make up a bottle and enjoy your baby. All will be okay.

Also the labour and delivery are (mostly) not as bad as people make out. Yes some people have very scary and very traumatic deliveries but most of the time it is exaggerated and used to scare the Shit out of mums to be which isn't nice. You can very much have a good delivery and labour and you shouldn't have to stress about things that might happen just because your neighbours mums friends cousins daughter had an episiotomy. Labour and delivery can be a very very nice experience and you do not have to be scared at all.

@SeaToSki at alien head

When you set up your changing table, put all the bottles and stuff at the baby's head end. That way if they do a poop explosion while you lift their legs to wipe them, it wont blast its way over every item before hitting the wall and sliding onto the floor and staining the carpet (looking at you DS1) A small washable rug in front of the changing table saves the carpet from pee fountains (looking at you DS2)

If you have a vomiting child DO NOT MOVE THEM. The only thing worse than vomit, is a trail of vomit from the starting place to the bathroom.

If you are not sure if your baby is crying in pain, it probably isnt. A true pain cry will raise the hairs on the back of your neck (babies cry about being uncomfortable - its just doesnt make every cell in your body stand to attention)

The shower is a good place to cry when you are having a post partum moment. It washes all the snot away and the steam helps your sinuses not get clogged so you avoid that horrid after crying stuffy thing. Its also difficult for older DCs to interrupt you

Looooool yes @SeaToSki.

that most of the advice is total shite and you are going to have to figure out YOUR baby for YOURself.

i remember one well meaning (MALE) friend telling us dreamily how "the baby just slots in, you just carry on around them.... we were off out for lunch the next day" and now i've had a baby i think to myself "his poor bloody wife he is clearly beyond a useless, selfish twat".

You really don't need to record baby's feeds.

L: 3.22am - 3.31am
R: 3.33am - etc

Fml.

You'll be surprised how many of your new baby visiting guests tell you how much they HATED the newborn phase when you're desperately asking them when it gets better.

Take a good long look at your fanjo before giving birth for the first time because it'll never look the same again.

That if you do have stitches, sometimes you need reconstructive surgery to repair the damage before you have a sex life again.

You don't always love your baby when it's first born my first thought was "oh fuck" as I was in a state of shock.

Labour hurts, but it hurts so much more than you anticipate.

That you will bleed when giving birth (my husband panicked at this).

You will wish sometimes that you had waited to have children. Or never had children. When it's 3am and you're up for the 10th time.

It's ok to feel that way. Because you know you love your baby and as much as you stress about it, you wouldn't be without them now.

The after pains, no one tells you about those. Or that they are worse if you breastfeed and get worse after each baby.

That some babies sound like barnyard animals whilst they sleep - lots of squeals, squeaks and honks. Makes it impossible for you to sleep.

That the post birth poops are like birthing subsequent children... your butt is so bruised from the labour and you are corked up.

Then too much lactolose means you then shit yourself before you can get to the loo as the bruised sphincter muscle can't hold anything for a while.

That giving birth feels like you just want to have a massive poop.

Gas and air can send you off your rocker.

So many more ...

...that eventually they grow up and leave home and start doing nice things like taking you out for dinner. It barely makes up for the preceding twenty something years, but it helps.

The size of the placenta!!!! I thought it was just a tiny thing to hold the umbilical cord in place.

If you've had stitches, your vulva may feel like like such a strange foreign place for a while that you're scared to even look down there. It goes back to normal relatively quickly though.

Newborns grunting and weird breathing can be scary but it's normal.

It's more than likely that you'll poop but that's to be expected when you could spend up to a few hours 'pushing into your bum like you need a big poo' as my midwives kept chanting.

The afterpains. I was under-prepared for those after my third baby, otherwise I'd have bought some decent painkillers.

I felt back to normal straightaway after the first two, but was in quite a lot of discomfort after the third, and shuffled for the first few days.

Baby bloggers are writing a story. They will exaggerate the gore factor, sometimes competitively so take what you read with a pinch of salt.

You might feel completely fine. My health visitor said in a knowing way, 'don't forget you'll get the baby blues, you'll be moody and bursting into tears every 2 minutes but don't worry it's normal'. I wasn't and I didn't.

(Whispering voice) I can't think of anything worse than baby groups. Only go if you want to go.

If you can't breastfeed it isn't the end of the world. You don't need to cry and feel guilty and make yourself ill thinking you have failed as a mother and are poisoning your child with formula. Just make up a bottle and enjoy your baby. All will be okay.

I agree wholeheartedly. And yy to “natural” not equating to “easy” to begin with - that floored me.

Your whole fanjo mightwill feel like a tractor has run over it, several times.
I never thought my whole lady garden could feel bruised. But after DD shot out like she was in a flume and tore one flap and around my urethra I shouldn't have been surprised

Bf hormones can make your vagina dry and sex quite painful for as long as you continue bf.

I loved the newborn stage. Not the first time, the first time I bumbled through it in a state of shock but second and third time were about my favourite times ever. I found breastfeeding easy and pain free from the start and had easy quick labours each time. It’s hard to talk about when it’s like that because people hate you! Or think you are being competitive about not needing pain relief in labour. So that’s why you don’t hear that very much.
I have blissful memories of rocking in a nursing chair with a tiny baby cuddled up asleep on my chest. And the smell and feel of a babies head is unbelievable. I could have stroked their hair all day.
I did have hideous let-down with my second though, a horrible intense crawling, itching sensation. Very weird.

That after breastfeeding for several years my breasts are now about 75% areola.