'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

Things that no one warned me about:

Your bladder getting too full and not emptying can cause you to get stuck in the latent labour phase. I was in that stage for three full days, with contractions coming every few minutes for an hour or two and then stopping completely. I showed up at the hospital on day 4 sobbing and desperate for help, they emptied my bladder and baby was born less than 12 hours later.

Cluster feeding. There will be nights when if you're breast feeding, baby will basically be clamped to you. For hours. I think our record so far is 7 1/2 hours of feeds with no more than a 20 minute sleep in between. Be kind to yourself during this time. It will pass.

While we're on the subject of feeding, breastfeeding hurts initially. The first few pulls on the breast can be toe curlingly painful. However if you get any odd lumps, excessive pain, or your breast becomes very red and inflamed, see your midwife or Gp immediately. Mastitis is a bitch and you will need antibiotics. You will also need to keep feeding on the affected breast which will be possibly the most painful thing you've ever done. And yes, you gave birth recently.

Breastfed babies still need to be winded. Found that out the hard way when my day old baby had a total meltdown.

Night sweats. They're horrible. Be prepared to change your bedding a lot. Baby is 3 weeks old now, and they seem to be easing finally.

Everyone will tell you to enjoy your baby. It's ok sometimes if you don't. It's bloody hard work, and terrifying a lot of the time too. Sometimes you just have to get through it. And that's ok.

That giving birth is so easy compared to learning to breastfeed and care for the lovely little screamer all day and all night withour rest.

For one, giving birth ends at some point, and kind midwifes give you a cup of tea and a sandwich. Noone hands you a sandwich for surviving the third nightfeed of day 4 of week 7. It's relentless.

Babies cry. Weeks 6 to 12, they cry a lot in the early evenings. It's called a witching "hour" (which is as accurate as calling the whole day sicknesss "morning"). They are fine. If these are the only hours your DH is home, go have a shower and eat your dinner while he holds the baby. Don't feel guilty- the baby will cry either way and you need to keep yourself fed and clean as well.

Also, snack and drink stations throught the house, especially within reach of the BFing chair. Don't put silly restrictions on yourself such as "3am is not an appropriate time to eat". If you're awake, you can eat.

You'll need to move up to the next size nappies way before your baby reaches the top end of the size range given on the packet. If you're getting loads of leaky nappies then probably time to size up.

Night sweats so bad that your DH wakes you up as he thinks you’ve pissed the bed.

That you can get mastitis even if not breastfeeding. I was told to pump or massage and express whatever I could but that made my boobs get so engorged that I looked like a over inflated porn star and couldn’t put my arms flat to my side. It was agony.

Oh god, the nightsweats! No one warned me about that. My baby is 3 weeks old and mine are still going :(

Wasn't until the baby was 2 weeks old and not yet back to birth weight that the midwife asked if I was feeding the baby on both breasts each time. Nobody had ever told me to do that. Bit of a lightbulb moment. I wonder how much crying could have been avoided if I had known!

Childbirth - I worried that I might have to fight my own corner about decisions, procedures etc if I didn't want them. I didn't think they would actually just do things to me without even discussing or asking (ventouse & episiotomy). Things I had said in my "very good" birth plan that I didn't want! That was a massive shock :O still in shock 4 months later.

Pregnancy will kick your sex drive into high gear.

The spinal block that that you get for a C-section will make you feel like you're not getting enough air but that's just because you can't feel the lower part of your lungs.

Baby boys are not the only ones who will shoot urine into the air while being changed. DD used to draw her legs up to her chest and send an impressive stream of wee into the air when she was being change. Cover the private parts (either gender) to be on the safe side.

As an aside...when DD was a bit older and potty trained, we went through o period of time when I was constantly finding urine on the bathroom floor by the toilet. After telling DH repeatedly to make sure he hit the toilet when he went, I discovered that it was actually DD making the mess. She was tilting her pelvis, trying to look at her bits as she peed.

Some days you will want to hand the baby to someone else, catch a train and never come back.

You don’t though. Usually.

Babies can sometimes actually be a little bit boring!

They get much more interesting as they get older, though

If its a boy, make sure their penis is tucked down when you change their nappy or they will pee up their back (not their front - how?!) and you'll go running to the midwives thinking your baby is ill or going to die one day post emlscs so I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Babies are born with a hole in their skull (actually two). I did so much reading I don't know how I missed this! Sometimes the one on top pulses...

The meconium poo is not a single event.....it's like tar for a few days.

You will ask your DH to do things you never thought you would, e.g. help you pee (DH squatted in front of me so I could lean forward on to him whilst on the loo!), put ointment on your stitches, dispose of your maternity pads....I'm cringing writing this.

The first time they get a stuffy nose at 2am is terrifying as they can't breathe to feed. Have saline nasal drops in your medicine cupboard.

I agree owl trousers

Labour suite = amazing

Ward = shit show

Jesus the smell of the discharge after. I could vomit right now at the thought of it.

And the witching hour. Began as soon as DH came in the front door. He thought I was lying to him about DD being like that all day long.

You have contractions after giving birth, for days. They hurt a lot!

I knew people poo'd when giving birth but assumed you'd never know as the midwife would whisk it away, turns out you do know because if you're me and hadn't had a bowel movement in days it goes everywhere and stinks to high heaven - not envy. I'm still embarrassed about it now!

There is no dignity in childbirth and I now have no qualms about getting my bits out for all and sundry.

That if you blow into a bottle whilst you pee after giving birth you cannot retain any, this was a lifesaver when being threatened with a catheter!

That clothes become disposable when your baby has shit in their 6th sleep suit of the day.

That people are often violently sick during labour and there's absolutely no forewarning, I projectile vomited in about three different rooms of the house.

And that you won't necessarily get an all consuming rush of love when they hand you your baby, it takes time but the first time you realise just how much you love them you might just burst into tears.

Little babies hands get really sweaty and full of fluff from having them screwed up in a fist! When you uncurl their little hands they look like they've been down the pit!

That labour is not the scary part - that comes afterwards when they leave you in charge of a small person.

Babies need more than 1 nappy per day - for some reason I thought it was like pants - that you put a clean pair on each day

You will relish the tea and toast or biscuits after you've give birth like they're the most delicious thing ever. You may also make a low growling noise if your DP leans forward to take one.

That newborns can sometimes feed all night, literally.

That small babies, put down 'sleepy but awake' do not magically drift off to sleep as many a book will lead you to believe, but are more likely to start screaming.

That there is nothing so lovely as the smell of a newborn baby's hair!

I had to physically pull my first post-birth poo in order to get it out. Dig my fingers into it and pull.

That if you have a c-section, you need to give yourself injections into your stomach once a day for the next 10 days (or get your partner do it).

That it takes around 3 months for your hormones to settle down again.

That you'll still be in maternity clothes for weeks / months after giving birth (even if you can fit into your pre-pregancy clothes, maternity clothes are so much more comfortable while you're recovering, particularly the trousers if you've had a c-section).

That there are three periods of sleep regression - and that doesn't even include teething! (DD was doing really well - slept through some nights, or woke up once at worst. Then the 4 month sleep regression hit - BAM - awake 3 times per night minimum, for weeks!)

That you will say many times a day, "Let go of Mummy's hair, let go of Mummy's hair... No, don't chew Mummy's hair!" Tying your hair back does not prevent this, nor does having short hair (Daddy is also affected, albeit to a lesser extent).