'things no one tells you when you have a baby’

[JustCatMumAtTheMo]

Anything.. pregnancy/birth/once the babies here.. I've read some incredibly funny stories... let's hear yours?

That after the birth you will bleed like you're having a heavy period - NO, just no! 3 maternity pads for at least a week changed very very regularly.

Breastfeeding was toe curlingly painful for the first 4 weeks.

Going to the toilet for the first time after giving birth feels like everything is going to fall out of you through this gaping hole that is now your vagina - obviously it doesn't but my god does it feel like it.

Oh and that some babies sleep and some just don't... a lot of the time it doesn't matter how you feed, what your routine is, white noise, same room, different room, cosleep etc. If they're not a sleeper they're not a sleeper!!!

I honestly thought I was in labour again 24 hours after delivering my son. No one told me about after pains.

That you can be allergic to breastfeeding. I came up in hives every time the milk let down. It was awful. My GP hadn't come across it before but Dr google was very helpful. Antihistamines saved my sanity. My entire body would break out from neck to feet so I looked like swollen pink porrige and omg the itching. Awful.

Are the poos really bad even if you've had a section? I assumed they were awful cause your vag was in bits, I thought you'd escape it if you had a section.

In my experience...

Pregnancy: no one told me I would be anxious, throw up and loose weight (hyperemisis)

Birth:when the head crowns you think your fanny is literally on fire and the feeling or cold water after to clean up is the best ever!

After: all you get to eat and drink is cold drinks and food due to the moment you sit down to eat/drink the baby wants u!

No one warned me about how my stomach would look in the days after birth. Saggy and baggy with a rugby ball sized womb floating about in it. I couldn't bear to look.
Once the ball had gone down it was much better!

The first cup of tea/coffee after you have given birth is the best drink ever

You do not necessarily 'fall in love' or have a 'whoosh' or 'gush' of emotion at the first sight of your baby. My cousin described her emotions like that so did a number of my friends and work colleagues. I didn't really much except tired and very unsure as to what I was supposed to be doing. However when the doctor did the heel prick test on my DD, my now XH had to grab me because he wasn't sure if I was going to snatch my dd back or attack the doctor for making her cry. To be honest, I don't know what I was going to do either but I have never felt rage like it before or since. My doctor told my XH not to worry about it when he apologised for my behaviour (prick) so I assume my reaction wasn't that uncommon. He (doctor) said it showed that I had bonded with my baby. This made me feel better as I hadn't experienced the whoosh/gush of emotion and was feeling defective and a horrible mother for not falling in love with my child.

The 'baby blues' on the third day (or so) after giving birth are real. I disliked all my visitors with a passion - how dare they pick up my baby/coo at her/breathe/exist. I was also sad and in floods of tears when they left and I was on my own!

Never tell your baby that you are taking her out. This is her cue to do at least 3 explosive poos, ruining all clothing they are wearing each time and probably yours as well as the stuff goes everywhere. Then they will projectile vomit over the rest of your clothing.
When I returned to work a colleague advised me to get myself dressed and ready except for my blouse and skirt before getting my dd ready, then to strap her in the car seat and only then finish getting dressed, this saved a hell of a lot of washing

I was told this, but it is unusual and I was very grateful for it. My friend told me that if I ever felt myself get angry with my baby, I should go and walk around the block to cool down.

Are the poos really bad even if you've had a section? I assumed they were awful cause your vag was in bits, I thought you'd escape it if you had a section.
Yes, they can be tough. Using your abdominal muscles even a little is really painful and tugs a bit on your incision. Any pooing that involves even a little bit of pushing hurts.

Of you give birth lying down, when you first sit or stand up there is a disconcerting feeling as your organs kind of slide around rearranging themselves in your belly.
Epidural is wonderful but both times I was quite shaky and vomity afterwards.
You will realise you are first and. Foremost a mammal and will feel a teary kinship with any mother animal you see.

Agree with pp, labour and birth can be absolutely fine, it was for me and it's a shame that I was (pleasantly) surprised by this.

In those first few weeks (probably about 4 weeks for me) breastfeeding can be agony, even if you're doing it right and the latch is good.

Everything you own will get puked on.

You will do any crazy thing to get your baby to sleep. Despite previously having judged other parents for running the shower, bouncing on the gym ball, going out in the car....

That after an episiotomy your bottom will lose all of its ability to hold in your farts... you will be a walking whoopee cushion for a few weeks and there's nothing you can do about it, except try to stand up and move when other people aren't in the room!

1- didn't realise you would bleed after c-section
2- your boobs really hurt when your milk comes in
3- when you bring baby back home it doesn't do much and is a bit of an anticlimax

That when your first is still very new, you might forget you've got a baby at all.
I once left dd1 - about 10 days old - in her pram in Boots, having completely forgotten that I had her. Thank God it was only for about 10 minutes - I was meeting my mother whose first horrified words were, 'Where's the baby??'
OMG! Frantic charge back to Boots, thankfully no harm done. Dd still finds this hilarious!

Also happened to a friend who'd been a midwife and HV for 10 years! Heard a baby crying while enjoying a quiet read in her own house - wondered whose that baby was that was crying, why the hell didn't they do something about it - OMG! It's mine!

@redfairy OMG lol to number 3, I totally agree

We were like '....er.....so shall we put the telly on then'

You might put your shopping in the pram with the baby, thinking it's a shopping trolley.

That when your first is still very new, you might forget you've got a baby at all.
OMG! This happened to me too. It's the weirdest thing to forget something that is so life altering.

Nobody told me little baby boys get erections!!!
I literally thought that started happening when they were, like 12 or something. I changed his nappy and he had a little baby boner and my reaction was literally "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!"
This is never something anyone thought to tell me or that I thought to ask. Why would I ask?! I was so super read up on everything parenting and this was just a total shock. Went into my husband like "Um, so nobody told me little boys get erections......?!!" and he said very casually "Oh yeah, why, didn't you know?" No, dear reader, I did not.

Squarecorners I've got sons and didn't know that!

When bathing baby don't forget to wash under their arms. I didn't think to do this for about 6 weeks with dc1 then realised there was gunk under there

I did a birth plan with bullet points and also filled out the nhs template. Know how many health professionals looked at it during the birth? None. Nada.

The only things bought up was my need for antibiotics (strep b), that i wanted an epidural pronto and yes we wanted the vit k injection - all done verbally.

Take the lactulose to help with those first post birth poos, I genuinely don't think I've ever done a larger crap in my life to be honest, so glad it helped me and all I had to do was sit on the toilet while gravity did the rest!

at the Freddie Mercury comment!

Lol YouBetter

I do think those birth plan templates are useful so you can research stuff in advance or have the conversation with your mw. And your red lines which won't change with circumstances e.g. no vit K, no bounty lady.

That if you are attached to several iv lines, a catheter and a monitor the mid labour poo will arrive just as the midwife leaves the room. Dh had to deal with it. We have never spoken of it since.

That that first poo may in fact be liquid and very very urgent. And moving fast is not easy when you've recently given birth, but you will because that is one indignity too far.

You might not want to eat after giving birth. I had an entire week where I did not want food at all. (Not like me at all)

You might spend the first 5 months in tears 90% of the time because of PND. I had my baby at home after fighting for the birth I wanted, I had no stitches at all and after feeling like a warrior for 2 days, on the 3rd day I broke down and I never came back up again until near 6 months. It was awful and I didn't expect it.

You might hate baby groups. They make you feel worse.

When threatened with a catheter, I said 'no thank you', got out of the pool and pushed my baby out on the sofa. I was desperate to not have any medical intervention!