BF 'didn't work out' - what does this mean?

[sasamax]

I'm not looking to start an argument - honestly.
If I've heard this phrase once I've heard it a million times. Either this one or 'I couldn't bf'.
But can people please tell me what exactly this means? What happened that meant that bf 'didn't work out'? What was the reason?
Can it really be that common? Far, far, far more people in my life couldn't bf than could - what on earth is the reason for this?
Again - I am really not looking to be inflammatory but all I get when I ask are shrugged shoulders and shaking heads...

Well, I've been mixed feeding DD since she was 7 days old. She lost over 20% of her body weight in those firt 6 days and was sent to hospital.

I don't know why it didn't 'work out'. Your guess is as good as mine?

People naturally feel defensive if they have tried something and it hasn't worked out, that's all. It's pretty cruel to add insult to injury to have someone who has successful breastfed to pop up six weeks on and say 'oh well that's a shame because you could have done X and fixed the problem and then you'd still be breastfeeding' so most people just shrug and close the discussion at that.

I've been breastfeeding for two and a bit years so far and have heard this a lot. Now I try and raise the subject when people are still breastfeeding and ask if they need any help Much more productive.

For me....I was still suffering swollen ankles so huge that I couldn't wear shoes 3m after the birth.

After a number of tests to rule out all sources came back normal or inconclusive...and my dad died of pulmonary embolism and the DVT scan was incomplete because of massive swelling I felt I had no choice in case a DVT had been missed.

there are some actual genuine reasons why it was not the best thing to do to try and carry on bf

but IMO 'it didn't work out' is bandied about by people too much who either
didn't have the correct information
didn't have enough support

or mostly, they couldn't be arsed
or just dont give a fuck

didn'

I would say that it covers a multitude of experiences, all where the mother intended to breast feed but encountered difficulties that for her meant the end of BF.

Could be any number of difficulties - poor latch, mastitis, poor advice, no support, poor weight gain. Yes, some people continue to BF after encountering one or all of these, but for others the same problem will mean the end of BF. That's not to say that those people who stopped BF should have continues, but just that problems affect people differently, and some don't have support to get over the hurdles.

mine did not work out as a had reacuring mastitus,with all 3 DC ,but i plodded on untill i was to ill to continue,i am a massive fan of BF and when i have DC4 i will BF again cos you just never know,its always in the same breast ,but i attend groups and i have a close friend who is a "buddy" to mums in need so i have my fingers crossed

It means precisely this.

"I am answering your question about my feeding method but I don't wish to discuss it in detail with you, now please drop the subject!"

My own experience - I was told by midwives and HV that I must be "doing something wrong", as DD would only feed for 5 mins at a time, not the 20+ they saw as normal. With hindsight, DD was gaining weight at a rate of knots, so I should have ignored them.

But I didn;t. It's hard to carry on when people tell you that you're "doing it wrong". So whilst I was biologically able to BF, for me it didn;'t work out.

'didn't work out' is kind of short hand for, i'm not bfing and i don't want to talk about the whys and wherefors.

in my mind it can be any of a thousand reasons.

... maybe they never really wanted to, never saw anyone else do it in real life, had pressure or assumptions from family and friends that formula feeding is easier and or more acceptable.

...maybe they had a crap midwife who offered no support, or a midwife who was also trying to help 15 other mums with bfing but really got so exasperated with the shitty system that she suggested she give formula.

...maybe she got so tired and exhausted with the night feeding she decided to try formula as she heard it helped get the baby to sleep longer.

...maybe she was on medication which she was told was incompatible with bf, rightly or wrongly.

...maybe she was told she didn't have enough milk, or she thought that cos the baby kept crying she didn't have enough milk.

...or maybe she thought that as formula is so close to breastmilk it would be easier to just give formula.

But Coldtits - IME the information is volunteered - I don't go around asking people how they feed.
Generally they feel the need to tell me this, so I politely reply 'Oh - why was that?' to which I am met with shrugs. Why have they told me this if they don't want to discuss it?

sometimes it measn

its none of your business

or

i dont want to talk about it

BF didn't work out because of a combination of a poor feeder and poor advice - after jaundiced DS receiving several hundred ml of formula top ups per day, I was discharged with the pretence that my supply was fine and I could go straight from several hundred ml of formula per day to exclusively bfing. So DS ended up readmitted with jaundice and dehydration at 2.5 weeks old. At this point I lost confidence, and mixed fed (mostly ff)) till I started on the Pill at 8 weeks . DS was an absolutely nightmare to ff as well.

Again Katie - why are they telling me then???

soemtimes it measn

i want you to know that i did try BF, i really did, its not like i dont care about my baby's health, its just i had problems

actually if I say that BF didn't work out - it's moer likely to be shorthand for - you won't want to hear the sorry tale, not that I have any embarassment or guilt about discussing it.

they want you to knwo they did try

Trying to say this in the least inflammatory way possible....for some people, myself included, bf is very very very hard. I had a long list of issues -a low birth weight baby, terrible advice from midwives and HVs and GPs, real pressure from GP to formula feed,bad thrush, baby losing weight, etc etc etc.

However I am a stubborn old ass and i think all the problems just made me more determined to stick to it. Also this is my first dc so I was able to literally devote all my time for the first few months getting it right. DH was also very supportive. I think had any of these factors had been different it probably "wouldn't have worked out" for me either.

I strictly DO NOT want to come over as one of these people who says that you can do it if you're just willing to try hard enough etc - but I know it took an almost superhuman effort from me at the time, and with other dcs or any other issues I might not have been able to do that.

at least that's what i assume when people say this to me.

...so is it a justification?
Do they think I might judge them as I'm minding my own business?

i think sometimes it is

i think that soemtimes by making your own choice about how you feed your baby, soem women feel that it implies a criticism of them

Oh about 10 people have posted, I must speed up my typing!!

Agree with KatieMorag - some people feel quite guilty about formula feeding so they probably say that so you know they tried.

Caz10 - sounds horrendous!
That really was superhuman.

of course, it can come across teh other way, so it sounds like

" oh its ok for you ,you have obvisouly had a really smooth ride but i had to stop because of X"

which can be equally hard if you are soemone who has struggled on despite X

I say it because you wouldn't want to hear the whole sorry, boring tale of how DS wouldn't latch on at all even though I tried for 4 months. It would be like those people who go on about their bad births....oh yes that's me too isn't it