BF 'didn't work out' - what does this mean?

[sasamax]

I'm not looking to start an argument - honestly.
If I've heard this phrase once I've heard it a million times. Either this one or 'I couldn't bf'.
But can people please tell me what exactly this means? What happened that meant that bf 'didn't work out'? What was the reason?
Can it really be that common? Far, far, far more people in my life couldn't bf than could - what on earth is the reason for this?
Again - I am really not looking to be inflammatory but all I get when I ask are shrugged shoulders and shaking heads...

"Can it really be that common?"

I think your OP carries an undertone of disbelief that will make people feel judged and found wanting.

I have replied to people with 'it didn't work out' and then stopped for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it they ask me why I didn't breastfeed I feel it's none of their business so why should I explain it to them.

Secondly, I don't really want to hear stories of how hard it was for them but they overcame it - makes me feel even worse.

Thirdly, the fact I couldn't breastfeed really upsets me and I don't particularly lke going over the reasons why.

For people interested, I had a crash c-section due to pre-eclampsia and then developed eclapmsia and had severe haermoraghing afterwards - I was in intensive care for a week and on a lot of medication for 2 months after my LO was born. I tried expressing every 3 hours from when he was born, putting him to the breast literally every hour but my milk just never appeared. I sae midwives, bf counsellors and unfortunately nothing worked.

First time with ds it nearly didnt work out due to wrong advice from hospital, no support from staff etc, poor follow up from people who knew nothing about bf. It worked out due to dh support and speaking to la leche counsellor.

DD it worked out fine because I ignored all the advice from health professionals, refused to give her a bottle in the hospital and a lot of luck.

I doubt very much whether it has been a conversation opener for countless numbers of your friends. It has been volunteered in context. We don't know what that context is. It sounds to me like you breastfeed, they know that, and are being consciously or unconsciously self-justifying. Because despite the overall low BF stats, in some areas and social circles there is a very great pressure to do so.

In fact, there is another thread in active convos where it's be said that many people give up because they don't really want to do it anyway.

Its the why volunteer a bit of nondescript information. either you want to share in which case say why you couldnt or dont say anything.

Am I right?

I did it for nearly 18 months combined (2 children), but when my son was ten days old he hadn't gained any weight, he'd lost a bit, and he was only 6lbs when he was born (early), I was THIS close to giving up and giving him formula, and if he'd lost more weight on the 10th day it would have been the right thing to do. I still believe that. I was a nervous wreck.

Yes bronze - that's exactly it.

Laumiere - poor wee thing - how's he doing now? I do know a wee boy with this - lovely kid!!

It 'didn't work out' for me because, despite trying everything, my supply never recovred from a disastrous first week and my DS never gained weight on BM, even with small top ups. At 8 weeks I increased top ups to about 50% of his milk, at 11 weeks I increased it to 100% with BF at night. Still working now, touch wood. I'm BF for me, and for bonding, now, rather than sustenance.

Caz10, i really get what you mean. I found breastfeeding quite hard for the first 6 weeks or so, and although i don't expect to be patted on the back it does seem like people sometimes assume that if you manage to carry on it was just really easy for you compared to those who end up giving up.

Fallenmadonna. It would generally be offered as I was feeding whichever baby it was. We wouldn't be talking about feeding - the situation would just arise. Generally extended family members etc although sometimes a friend would say this too.
I see your point about justifying their actions due to the pressure to bf and think you could be right at this being a major reason for the comment.

What about the disapproving ones though - I just don't get why they say they couldn't when they clearly think I'm a bit of a wierdo. They make me feel extremely self conscious and embarrassed but that, I suppose, is another issue altogether...

Here's my two cents worth; I tell people 'it didn't work out' because breastfeeding was extremely important to me. I want people to know that I know it is the best thing for my child and would have done anything to make it work. Anything.

No one can explain why after 8 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding my baby, and feeding on demand (almost 24 hours a day) he was taken into hospital with failure to thrive and kidneys that were close to failing. It turns out that he hadn't been getting any milk for weeks and that I had been nearly starving him.

I had masses of support, my latch was checked (and was fine), DS was checked for tongue tie (didn't have one); no one knew why I couldn't feed but I couldn't. In the end, I was strongly advised (by lactation consultants and the paed) to ff for the health of my child. Even then, I carried on pumping for 4 more months (for hours each day) just so he would have some breast milk.

But the honest truth is that I feel judged for not breastfeeding. I know I did the best for my child in the circumstances and that I persevered for longer than many would. But others don't know that. So I guess in the end, it stems from my guilt and a sense of defensiveness.

sasamax you are met with shrugs IMO because you're asking for personal details. If I said to someone "BF didn't work out for me" that would not be an invitation to discuss physical, mental or emotional problems.

It's like if someone said "I can't meet up next week, I've got a dr's appt" and you replying "Oh, why, what's wrong with you then?"

Too personal. If they say it didn't work out a more polite response would be "oh, sorry to hear that. Little Johnny is thriving though isn't he!" or similar.

Well your op sounds quite judgey. And if you are following up their it didn't work out with why not? that also sounds judgey. agree with the dr appt analogy.

maybe they are telling you cos you are eyeballing them bottle feeding or something and are getting in a preemptive strike. who knows.

It is what I said to people when I really didn't want to talk about why I wasn't bfing. Invariably to people I knew to be very pro-bf and disapproving of my decision.

I couldn't brastfeed here is why.

During ds1's birth i had a very bad reaction to Gas and Air and was very ill, then they gave me an epidural which i also had a reaction to, my body simply can't cope with painkiller.
I was outfor the count for 2 days after ds's birth and when asked by the nurses dp told them to give ds a bottle as he was starving, i tried breastfeeding aided by my midwife after 4 days but ds wouldn't take it.

DS2 breastfed like a dream for 6 months.

I tried twice and expected to be able to bf - all my friends had managed without major difficulties. Firstly had very little milk and both babies lost weight - midwife v. concerned. Secondly NCT breastfeedincg counsellor visited twice but DS 1 wouldn't wake up to feed. Then got mastitis, then paid out over £50 for private breastfeeding counselling to no avail - so worried about weight loss by this time had no option but to give up. I was more upset aboout this than I can say, but with private midwife, NHS midwife, consultant ( private and encouraging) NCT, friends & mother ( who proudly fed me until I was 6 months old and went straight to a beaker) all on my side and no progress what else could I do? Gave up a bit more quickly second time around as couldn't face all that anguish again.

I started off breastffeding both of mine, but hated it, and found formula feeding easier. People who are pro-breastfeeding sometimes make me feel like a terrible mother for saying this. It was a CHOICE, not an impossibility. 'It didn't work out' is a simple way of not starting an argument.

I bf dd for 7 months and hated it apart from the first few weeks. I only carried on after 4 months because she wouldn't take a bottle.

If i have another and it affects me as badly emotionally and physically next time I'll change to ff before 8 weeks to guard against the bottle refusal thing.

far from helping with bonding it's actually caused attachment difficulties with my dd as it worsened my pnd and those difficulties are still evident to this day.

Judge me if you like but IMO the emotional well-being of the mother is more important in your childs long term happiness and emotional well-being than being breastfed.

I exclusively bf dd for 17 months, didn't have any problems her or me.

Ds was a completely different story. I never for one minute thought I would have problems feeding him.

He was born by emergency section and whisked away immediately after birth.By the time I was out of recovery and he was brought back he had already been bottle fed. He had trouble latching, my milk didn't come in for days, in comparison to dd it hardly came in at all. The nurses would bottle feed him at any opportunity even though it was against my wishes. Breastfeeding support was non exsistent.

Eventually I did establish mixed feeding . Two years down the line it still upsets me. I too, used to think people didn't try hard enough or gave up too easily, especially as I had found it so easy with my first child.

The guilt I felt was tremendous and truly coloured my early days with ds. It is important that women have access to bf support, it is also important not to judge or add pressure to people who have had or are having trouble breast feeding. The problem is that if you don't want to bf, many people fear that they will be judged and therefore are not always honest. Therefore "had trouble feeding" becomes a large umbrella covering a multitude of reasons.

OP please consider people's feelings before you judge. I felt like a complete failure and believe me it is not a nice place to be.

Sasamax - He's 2.5 now and after we FINALLY got a diagnosis in Feb 08 he's doing really well. He's an absolutely stunning little man with a lovely personality, and although he can't walk or talk yet, lets neither of these things hold him back in the slightest :-)

proud mummy

It isn't working out for me - by that I mean that my supply was maybe compromised in the early weeks when my premature baby would spend hours feeding at me, but had horribly low blood sugar readings while I was still in hospital and went well below her birthweight and so the paediatrician told me to top up with formula. I've been expressing and feeding ever since, but she has always drunk tons of formula/ebm after every feed no matter how long. It feels like she drinks a whole feed's worth, even though I've been told my latch is good and I just need to feed more. There don't seem to be enough hours in the day to feed more and it just doesn't seem to 'work'.

So I would tell people it 'didn't work out' because I don't want to discuss it in more detail with strangers (except here, ha! I seem very happy to do it here) because I feel like a failure, and it involves a bit too much detail about my breasts.

For my sister, it 'didn't work out' with her first baby because she seemed to be bleeding all the time and just couldn't work through the pain. Having had a very painful breastfeeding experience at the beginning without too much bleeding, I totally understand this.

I feel like if I give up people will think I give up I didn't care about my baby enough, and talking about it upsets me. 'didn't work out' just seems like a way of telling whoever's asking (my father in law, actually!) to move on.

I don't think for a second the o.p. was trying to start a fight, but a quick glance at the length/breadth/number of the breastfeeding problems on this board must give you a lot of satisfactory answers? I know so many people who found it very hard. The people I know who successfully breastfed all seemed to have found it easy (that's just the people I know, I'm not saying it's the norm), which makes it crueller/stupider that I worry people will judge me as lazy/not caring if I give up.

Why does it matter to anyone why another mother does or doesn't breastfeed. If you yourself have struggled to make breastfeeding work and managed to succeed then surely the reward is being able to feed your baby how you choose. Not a round of applause from other mothers on your achievement.

There are so many reasons people use this phrse.

FOr me it didn't 'work out' because of the weight gain / loss, ds1 had an undiagnosed casein intolerance and we now know other disabilities that may well have affected his coordination for sucking etc. When ds1's weight dropped by a pound 9and he was only 5lbs 5oz at birth) we introduced soya (advised due to eczma history) and he grew well from then.

DS2- probably psychological (he was mix fed from 1 month to 4 months) after the horrendous start with ds1- he stuttered a little with the weight and I was incredibly anxious. I do believe I did the right thing; I was a wreck at that time. No allergies or SN.

DS3- mix fed from 4 weeks- 16 months. Same allergy, same weigt issues, more SN.

DS4. Allergy identified early on so weight issues resolved; no SN that we know of; abe to put my BF training into action and had the confidence to tell several GPs and HVs to bog off when they advised me to stop. I know the weight is genetically slow now. I know I have to follow a dairy exclusive diet. So at 8 months his entirely solids and BM, and will continue so (maybe with a beaker for rare babysitting if needed) until self weaned.

I was aware BF might not work out due to the pressures of caring for 2 sn children as well as a baby and another child. that didn't happen but I would not have felt guilty if it had.

OTOH BF didnt work out for sister becuse he was prem and couldn't tolerate the milk; she was very ill herself and too weak to express- I think it was a sensible decision.

Often mums are advised wrongly to give up BF as well; the issue isn't with Mum who utimately thinks she is doing what is best due to meical advice- it's with crap support systems.

Hairytoe - it matters to those of us who couldn't because (in my case) I still feel guilt about not being able to. In that position you are naturally very defensive.

It's the same as people feeling judged because they did/ did not have an epidural in labour. Ultimately we are all doing out best - but it doesn't stop people from judging. Particularly hard if you feel that the person doing the judging had a relatively easy time of things and suspect that, in your shoes, they might have made other choices. Does that make sense?

higgledy, many babies will take a bottle after a feed just because it is easy food, not because they are hungry. Have you spoken to a breastfeeding support expert? Try contacting La Leche League if you are concerned - they are very helpful. If you feed more, your supply will increase and over time your baby's efficiency will increase so the feeds are faster and you won't feel like you are feeding all the time. Hope it does 'work out' the way you want it to.