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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

BF 'didn't work out' - what does this mean?

222 replies

sasamax · 01/01/2009 13:42

I'm not looking to start an argument - honestly.
If I've heard this phrase once I've heard it a million times. Either this one or 'I couldn't bf'.
But can people please tell me what exactly this means? What happened that meant that bf 'didn't work out'? What was the reason?
Can it really be that common? Far, far, far more people in my life couldn't bf than could - what on earth is the reason for this?
Again - I am really not looking to be inflammatory but all I get when I ask are shrugged shoulders and shaking heads...

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 01/01/2009 16:19

This is my final comment on this I promise but just wanted to add that even with masses of support, some people just can't breastfeed. I couldn't have asked for more support. At one point in hospital I had a one on one breastfeeding counsellor who came and sat in on every feed I did. DS still wouldn't/ couldn't feed.

Support is lacking and needs to be improved. But even that won't solve very problem.

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 01/01/2009 16:24

It won;t Bogey, there will always be people who cn't or just don't want to BF (and we are not a police state after all), the important thing imo is enabling those who do want to to give it the best shot manageable. AS you did with the supporter- most women wouldnt have had access to that

HairyToe · 01/01/2009 16:28

BlameItOnTheBogey- That was the point I was trying to make although maybe not very well. Why is it anyone's place to judge?

I was kind of querying why the OP needs to know why bf didn't work out for other people. Surely the only reason to want to know all the details would be to 'refute' them if you know what I mean, rather than accepting that the person concerned tried really hard to do what was best for their baby.

I myself had an epidural with my first baby and she was born by ventouse so I know what you mean about feeling 'judged' by people who had a more natural birth. Particularly those helpful comments about if only I'd been more relaxed/had a home birth/done hypnobirthing ('like me') then it would all have gone so much better. As you say everyone's experience is different and whose place is it to judge someone else's situation.

higgledy · 01/01/2009 16:49

bubbleymummy - thanks, by the way! - I've been to the breastfeeding café, who couldn't find anything wrong. But she screams and screams after the breastfeed and drinks tons of formula, but never the other way around. My expressing suggests my supply just isn't going up at all, and I've used domperidone for a bit now and nothing's making a difference. I've spent days doing what feels like nothing but feeding, and I'm just at a bit of a loss. I'm still going, but, oh, I really hope it works too. She seems to be great at breastfeeding now, so it's really frustrating when she still wants more.

ForeverOptimistic · 01/01/2009 16:55

New Queen - Your attitude really annoys me!

If people ask I also say "it didn't work out". Because unless I am talking to someone with 2 hours to spare they probably don't want to hear the in's and out's of my experience. If they do want to hear more I tell them more.

bangandthedirtisgone · 01/01/2009 17:14

"or mostly, they couldn't be arsed
or just dont give a fuck"

I missed that you had posted that trinityrhino. What a nasty thing to say, not to mention santimonious.

faeriemoo · 01/01/2009 17:28

Most breastfeeding problems can be overcome with the correct support and advice.

I only BF my DD1 for three weeks. We never got off to a great start. She was readmitted to hospital at five days with suspected meningitis, my supply never got off the ground due to me not being supplied with food whilst in hospital with her and I had no money with me, she was given water to drink by bottle and I was discouraged from feeding on demand. As a first time mum I was eager to follow the instructions I was given. I would say that BFing with her "didn't work out". In hindsight, I could have tried so, so much harder.

I was very, very bitter and depressed about my experiences for a long time. Luckily, the determination has led on to me having a much, much more successful breastfeeding relationship with my second child, mostly due to my knowing where to seek out support when needed.

lollipopmother · 01/01/2009 17:28

I don't really see what 'couldn't be arsed' has got to do with it anyway, it's far more of a pain in the arse to be washing bottles and making up formula than it is to breastfeed if it's going well for you.

I don't believe anyone would not try breastfeeding because they 'can't be arsed', they might not try it because they feel afraid of failure, or because they have family members/friends that make them feel selfconcious or maybe because they don't feel mentally or physically comfortable with it. I don't think any of these would constitute 'can't be arsed'.

Also, I think most people do give it a go, but I think a big factor in people giving up is lack of good quality information - as soon as they start trying they find it it hurts like fark for the first couple of weeks and everyone totes the stupid quote - "if it hurts you're not doing it right" which imho is a load of rubbish and puts people off because they try all sorts of ways to relieve the pain and it doesn't go so they then believe they have an unsolvable problem and that bfing will be painful forever, so they give up. I think that believing you'll be in toe curling pain for 6 months is more than reason enough to give up tbh.

sasamax · 01/01/2009 17:34

Hmm - I do agree that 'if it hurts you're not doing it right' is a load of rubbish in the early days. It's prob meant to help but is actually very discouraging.

OP posts:
macaco · 01/01/2009 17:37

For me it meant I had a premature/low weight jaundiced baby who wouldn't latch/tired easily/twisted and pulled and made me sore. I didn't have much help with bfing and had a lot of stitches and was very sore. After 2 months of mixed feeding the bfing was as difficult as ever plus colic and really I just wanted to stop. I couldn't see it would get any better and I was just so so so tired of it.
I don't want to go into all this with every single person who asks me if I Bfed or why I don't now so it's easier sometimes to say it didn't work out.
Maybe people who volunteer that it didn't work feel bad and want you to know they tried but it's too complex/upsetting to go into why they stopped.

AuntieMaggie · 01/01/2009 17:47

I am genuinely shocked by some of the comments on here.

I would assume that if someone says 'didn't work out' in reference to BF then it means it didn't work for them and thats all you need to know. Same as if someone said that in reference to a relationship or anything else in their life - perhaps they just don't want to share the gory details and feel sensitive about it and you should respect that.

sasamax · 01/01/2009 17:51

Who is not respecting??
I am exceptionally sensitive to people's feelings which is why I am asking on here and not in RL.
What have I said that 'shocked' you auntiemaggie????

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 01/01/2009 17:53

I said some of the comments and none of yours sasamax - please don't try to start an argument on the assumption that I was talking about your comments.

sasamax · 01/01/2009 17:56

I'm certainly not trying to start an argument. You told me that I should 'respect that'.
Naturally, I had to respond that I certainly was 'respecting that'.
Perhaps all the aggression is making me feel a little bullied.

OP posts:
Leo9 · 01/01/2009 18:00

You haven't responded I noticed to the people saying, me included, that the answer to your original question is that people answer your question with shrugs because you're being too personal.

They may have volunteered the information about it not working out (I assume in the context of a feeding conversation with you rather than coming up to you in the street or clinic) but that does not mean as I said before that you can ask them for further information on this matter which after all relates to their physical being and probably also their mental or emotional state.

That's the reason IMO, in answer to your OP. Does that make any sense to you?

AuntieMaggie · 01/01/2009 18:00

I think you're being oversensitive - my post wasn't at all agressive.

I was referring to earlier comments such as "or mostly, they couldn't be arsed
or just dont give a fuck"

If some says "it didn't work out" you should just take their word for it rather than trying to guess at why they said that and what it meant.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 01/01/2009 18:06

Actually, I think it's perfectly legitimate for the OP to ask on here what it means when people say 'it didn't work out'. There's a shocking amount of smugness about breastfeeding and a bit more understanding all round can only be a good thing. I'm happy to explain what the problem was in my case and I hope it will mean a few more people understand that there can be genuine issues which can't be resolved that prevent breastfeeding, whatever the mother's initial intention. It just might mean that one less person thinks that those of us who are forced to formula feed do so because we couldn't 'give a fuck'.

AuntieMaggie · 01/01/2009 18:07

But not everyone is comfortable with being so open.

Leo9 · 01/01/2009 18:07

Good post, Bogey.

sasamax · 01/01/2009 18:07

I couldn't respond to every single comment, and a few were rather unkind to say the least. How many times do people need to tell me that it's 'none of my business'? I am only being friendly when they bring up the subject of it 'not working out'. Wouldn't it be judgemental of me to just smile smugly in return? I only wanted some genuine answers to explain the subject more clearly to me and just feel completely attacked by all and sundry. I thought mumsnet was supposed to be helpful, supportive and friendly but now I realise that everyone just waits for a reason to pounce on whatever unsuspecting OP who is asking a genuine question and stupidly expecting a friendly response.

OP posts:
Leo9 · 01/01/2009 18:09

But you are still ducking the issue, that you have been given a very clear answer, pretty politely from some, as well! What do you think of that answer? has it answered your question, helped at all?

AuntieMaggie · 01/01/2009 18:15

I guess it depends on the person but I would only usually say something like that if I didn't want to discuss it any further.

I was shocked recently by one of my most non-judgemental friends saying she thinks not breastfeeding is selfish. It seems to be one of those things that brings out judgement in people and I can understand why people might not want to discuss it.

I think there are worse things mothers can do to their babies than not breastfeed, its a personal choice/issue and that to want to analyse the reasons behind it can put extra stress on the mother.

Having said that if a mother is really keen to breastfeed but its not working and extra help and advice can help then great.

SnowballsintheSky · 01/01/2009 18:21

I'm glad someone picked up on newqueen's post because it really pissed me off. You only have to read the stories on here to see that for a large number of women, there are some very big issues surrounding their feeding decisions. I know that I was determined to bf, I read the websites, I read the leaflets. But when you're in hospital, with your first baby, totally shagged out, emotional and just a bit scared, you tend to take the advice of people who you think know best. And when they tell you that your dd's blood sugar is dangerously low, they are going to send her down to SCBU and need to give her formula before she drops any more, then you tend to believe them and agree to anything, especially when this is at 2am on your first night as a mother.

My bf 'training' consisted of the mw at the birth thrusting dd at me 1 hour after birth when I was leaning over a kidney dish being sick and saying, 'here, you need to feed her', then walking off and leaving me to it.

The only other 'help' I got was a not very nice mw telling me that as I had failed at bf, I'd better start expressing. She gave me some sort of container, a leaflet and walked out. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, no one showed me or went through it with me and I felt like crap because I assumed that this was natural and everyone could do it except me. By the time I left the hospital 3 days later, all my forms had ff on them and that was that. Visiting mw told me not to worry about it, ff was fine. I went to a bf clinic on day 6 to get some help. They manhandled my breasts, made a few noises about them being very big and it being a problem, and that was that.

So no, bf 'didn't work out'. That suits me as a statement because the tale is long and boring, as you can see, and actually, nearly 12 months down the line, I still feel like a total failure to think about it.

Some of us do give a fuck you know, but we're ot all lucky enough to have had the same help and support.

SnowballsintheSky · 01/01/2009 18:22

Not aimed at the op btw. It was a fair enough question!

NancysGarden · 01/01/2009 18:32

Not read the whole thread, so long but after 6 months I stopped because it was not working for me. I felt v hormonal and even a bit resentful (there I've said it). I did as long as I could but I just wanted my body back. Maybe I'm selfish but I think I became a much happier mum after this (even if feeling a bit guilty at times)

To answer OP's q, as has likely been said here, I think 'it didn't work out' stands for a number of things, some of which have prob not even been mentioned here. BF is complicated stuff.

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