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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

BF 'didn't work out' - what does this mean?

222 replies

sasamax · 01/01/2009 13:42

I'm not looking to start an argument - honestly.
If I've heard this phrase once I've heard it a million times. Either this one or 'I couldn't bf'.
But can people please tell me what exactly this means? What happened that meant that bf 'didn't work out'? What was the reason?
Can it really be that common? Far, far, far more people in my life couldn't bf than could - what on earth is the reason for this?
Again - I am really not looking to be inflammatory but all I get when I ask are shrugged shoulders and shaking heads...

OP posts:
spottedandstriped · 02/01/2009 07:51

I had to stop bf at 5 months - my baby had a posterior tongue tie which resulted in poor supply and several months of screaming when he breastfed. I took domperidone for weeks, paid to see a lactation consultant, went to a BF clinic and my supply was so bad one day that I literally had to hand my baby to a friend and run to a chemist and buy a pre-sterilised bottle and a carton of formula because he was screaming for food. Admittedly, this was also after another very stressful issue which had occured in my life.

I do think there is a lot of poor advice/lack of advice out there about BF and this is the reason a lot of people give up. However, I do resent the judgemental attitude which some people have regarding BF when they don't know the circumstances of the person.

mammyofET · 02/01/2009 09:52

I tell people that BF didn't work out. If they probe further I tell them this:

After an emc - baby struggled to latch. I asked for help and assistance in hospital practically every hour for 48 hours and although I was given help baby just would not latch - in fact he would scream every time I attempted to feed him. I expressed what milk I could (minimal amount at that time) and it was suggested that baby was given formula as he was starting to sleep as he was getting weak. This suggestion was a no brainer for me at the time. Baby needed food and I wasn't couldn't feed him. I expressed and ff for a while and then exclusively ff.

This is what I mean when I say 'it didn't work out'. And tbh whilst it was a very important story in the first year of DS's life I really can't be bothered going into detail about it now as it doesn't seem that significant anymore.

But I am and always will be very pro- breast feeding and will try again next time round.

TeenyTinyTorya · 02/01/2009 10:43

My reasons for b/f "not working out" -

-forceps delivery/jaundice made for a sleepy baby
-flat nipples for which the mw advised me to use nipple shields
-agony for me, almost no milk for ds after 3 days in hospital
-mw at home telling me that nipple shields were the wrong thing to use and ds would never b/f "properly" now
-ds losing a lot of birth weight

After 4 days of agony, exhaustion, and coping with a now burst and infected episiotomy, I caved into bottles. I expressed solidly for 3 weeks until the mw advised me to stop because ds was such a big baby she said I wouldn't be able to keep up. I also had infections in my breasts by that point.

I feel very guilty and upset about how it worked out for me, and hope to have much better support when dc2 arrives.

CeceliaAhern · 02/01/2009 11:12

When ds was born he refused breast for 24 hours. He screamed everytime I tried to feed him. I stated I was worried and midwife agreed he would need fluids in him soon. WE did everything to get him interested. Eventually, so as not to confuse him, he was offered formula form a cup which he was not great at either to be honest. I had ff a previous baby as I did not really contemplate bf).I decided after anxious start with him I would ff. I then succesfully bf a subsequent child who was much easier initially. So with me, it was all about the start!

disneystar · 02/01/2009 11:46

i really tried but my son lost 14% of his body weight within first 3 days
he couldnt latch properly it was heartbreaking for me
i kept on expressing and did so for 4 months
hes 6 mths now
turned out reason was he had a cleft palate that the hospital missed on birth and discharge
it could of been prevented if wed known and tried special things and breast shields for this reason
you may say 14% is ok but he has a serious heart disease and we couldnt have him losing weight
so i had to ff and use my expressed milk to
it made me feel better to be able to do that

Helms · 02/01/2009 11:57

I am still breastfeeding but have come close to giving up at several points. I had a big bleed after I gave birth which necessitated a blood transfusion and several days in a high dependency unit. My milk was delayed in coming in. My dc, a big baby, was jaundiced and on the advice of the paed team I did agree to formula top ups for a few days. I don't regret that decision.I also had good support for bf. We both now have thrush (probably due to anti- bios and not helped by on going anaemia) and it is really painful to feed.

I can completely understand why bf does not work out for some people. When you are exchausted/ ill and worried that your baby is not getting enough food I can see why it would all become too much. I think I would tell people it just "didn't work out" as the reasons why are often long drawn and complicated.

LazyWoman · 02/01/2009 13:10

Not sure if this reason has been mentioned before but sometimes it's a lack of confidence and not wanting to go against the "professionals". I know my niece started off by breastfeeding but her baby only fed for a few minutes at a time & only gained a small amount of weight at first. In the third week her baby hadn't gained any weight at all that week and she was told she would be better off giving formula. So she did and the baby did gain some weight for a week or two but then also had a week here and there where she didn't gain any, even though she was drinking all the recommended formula amounts.

All the while, baby was perfectly happy and healthy & I think for that baby it was a perfectly normal growth progression. The problem is that health visitors like to plot a nice straight line going in one direction only.

I know that my niece is sorry now that she didn't have the confidence to keep going for a while longer & has said she will definitely have more confidence in the future.

My own first baby was only 6lbs at birth (I am petite myself) and lost half a pound in the first week so you could see the anxiety on the midwife & health visitor's faces. However, I had the confidence in my own instincts and carried on bf, even though my daughter only fed for a few minutes at a time and it was pretty exhausting. My daughter, now 16, was always a very slight build but perfectly healthy. She eats loads and is now of average height & a nice size 8.

KatieMorag · 02/01/2009 18:12

I wish that the people who are responsible for training MW and HV and promoting BF in hospitals would come and read these threads! So many women who try , really try their hardest and don't get the right help or support. Then when they feel they have no choice, they stop Bf and feel guilty. When its the system that has let down them and their babies

keevamum · 02/01/2009 18:23

First time round, I tried, really tried but it didn't work out. What more is there to know - second time round it did!!! As previous posts suggest there are a multitude of reasons why people aren't able to establish successful breastfeeding and I am sure there are others who don't give it their best shot for whatever reason but usually lack of support and information plays a very important part. Why do you really feel you should know? You established it well done but don't make others have to justify why it didn't work for them!!!

Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 18:25

I agree Katiemorag.
It's a really poor show - so many people have been let down. Not everyone is lucky enough to have family or friends around who can help, so really the support needs to be there from the health professionals right from the start.

OP posts:
Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 18:28

I'm not 'making others justify' keevamum. If you read the entire thread, you will see that.

OP posts:
keevamum · 02/01/2009 18:41

I think in one of your previous comments you said you weren't sure of the correct way to respond to friends when they said that bf had not worked out. 'Should you smile smugly?' -well I am sorry but that does sound very judgemental to me. What I was trying to say is we all have our reasons for either breast feeding or formula feeding so that should be that. There is no reason in real life to pry. I suspect if your friends wanted to tell you they would have done. Do you think they detect a slight smugness/lack of compassion and empathy towards their situation?

Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 18:52

Keevamum- that comment was made in a clearly rhetorical way : should I smile smugly? Of course not.
I am not judgemental in any way, in fact this whole post was in order to understand this more fully so that I could make more sensitive comments in the future.

I have already explained all this and more. It is clear how upset I got with this yesterday. I'm not sure why you want to criticise me more when as a fellow mother, we should be helping each other, not upsetting them.

In my opinion, this thread has become a supportive wealth of information.
I really don't have the time, energy or inclination to defend myself any more on the matter. If my thread has upset you then please just don't read it.

OP posts:
ChocFudgeCake · 02/01/2009 19:16

It "didn´t work for me" because every time I put my second baby on the breast I would feel the raw pain I felt when my first newborn died. My heart was breaking again and couldn´t bond with the baby.
Then when people where scandalized because I was bottle feeding this baby and asked why, my throat would close and everytime I managed to say only "It didn´t work for me". Same thing happened with my third child.

BTW before all this I was adamant that I would breastfeed.

bangandthedirtisgone · 02/01/2009 19:20

Sasamax when you've been here a bit longer you'll have a better understanding about why you got the responses you did.

I'm sure in a few months you'll know to phrase your questions more sensitively and therefore won't end up being upset by answers on here.

Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 19:34

Thanks bangandthedirtisgone.
Right now I really don't feel like sticking around. I just can't believe the way people attack with no knowledge or understanding of the person they are pouncing on. They don't know anything about you and yet feel it's OK to tell you that you are insensitive or judgemental or make any other sort of judgement. Ironic I know.
I've said nothing unkind whatsoever and yet it's OK to receive this response.
I would never treat anyone like this

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bangandthedirtisgone · 02/01/2009 19:36

I'd stick around if I were you - it might help you to think about the way you come across and to avoid unintentionally upsetting people.

traceybath · 02/01/2009 19:39

Sasamax - i think its a valid question. I know when i've been feeding ds2 who was born at 37 wks and in NICU for a week - friends who didn't bf for long have said similar types of things. Often then accompanied by comments on how well i've done as had to express to begin with as he was tube fed.

This makes me feel guilty as i'm certainly no paragon and if it had been ds1 he'd probably have been on ff as i wasn't so confident/prepared to stand my ground with midwifes. I had lots of issues as he couldn't breathe properly/jaundiced/weight loss but because i'd bf before and had read lots and used internet forums to get info i was in a better position to fight my corner. But the repeated weighings/refusal to discharge etc would have undoubtedly made me use ff if it was my first baby.

BF is always so emotive and i do find it hard sometimes to offer advice to people who are struggling in real life as don't want to appear smug in anyway but equally i do want to help if i can. Just have to be extremely tactful and diplomatic.

Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 19:39

I see your point but if I upset people it is so clearly unintentional. They are upsetting me intentionally.
In real life I never upset anyone BTW

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Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 19:40

I see your point but if I upset people it is so clearly unintentional. They are upsetting me intentionally.
In real life I never upset anyone BTW

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bangandthedirtisgone · 02/01/2009 19:42

I've had a read through of the thread and I can't see people upsetting you intentionally tbh. I think you're getting blunt answers to what was a pretty blunt question.

You reap what you sow and all of that..

Original poster
sasamax · 02/01/2009 19:45

Well I would read through and quote some of the accusations but tbh I really don't need to read that stuff again. I think I should just remove myself as I am clearly not made of strong enough stuff for mumsnet.

OP posts:
Wispabarsareback · 02/01/2009 20:00

I think your original post was pretty crass, Sasamax. Not everyone is lucky enough to BF easily - even with the best of intentions.

If you really want to know why BF 'didn't work out' for me with DD1, I'm happy enough to tell you - I have very flat nipples, she couldn't latch on, she was a very hungry baby, DH and I weren't willing to let her scream with hunger when there was a perfectly good alternative available. Yes I know breast is best - haven't most people picked this up by now?? - but actually FF is pretty OK. It made DD1 happy anyway - after three days and nights of attempting to BF and listening to her scream, I wasn't bloody-minded enough to persist with trying to get her latched on. The first time I gave her a bottle she relaxed, blissed out, and looked at me as if to say 'thank god'.

Perhaps I could have had better BF support (actually there's no doubt I could have had better support!), perhaps I shouldn't have 'given up' so easily - but I honestly felt that I was putting DD1's needs first. We didn't look back, and she was and is the healthiest baby/toddler/child I know.

spongebrainbigpants · 02/01/2009 20:04

sasamax, I think it's unfortunate that your first foray onto MN was straight into the middle of the most emotive subject you could have picked.

Sadly, as you can see from the responses, many women who don't/can't bf struggle to come to terms with it, and unfortunately many women who do successfully bf are sooooo bloody smug and sneering to those who don't that you will get a lot of defensive reactions.

If you read through some of the other threads on here you'll see what I mean.

spongebrainbigpants · 02/01/2009 20:05

sorry, should have said "some women who do successfully bf" - it would be unfair to say it's many