BF 'didn't work out' - what does this mean?

[sasamax]

I'm not looking to start an argument - honestly.
If I've heard this phrase once I've heard it a million times. Either this one or 'I couldn't bf'.
But can people please tell me what exactly this means? What happened that meant that bf 'didn't work out'? What was the reason?
Can it really be that common? Far, far, far more people in my life couldn't bf than could - what on earth is the reason for this?
Again - I am really not looking to be inflammatory but all I get when I ask are shrugged shoulders and shaking heads...

snowball - i am and at the cruel and disrespectful way you were treated in hospital and afterwards. i had similar experinces with MW and i thought it was just me or my fault, but the more i read on MN the more it seems commonplace if not endemic

It does seem to be a very common story. I appreciate mw are busy and there are training and financial implications etc but really, a few well spent minutes here and there would help enormously for some women.

Luckily, now I know better. I know not to expect help from hospital, I know that there are extremely knowledgeable people on here, and I know that there are proper, trained bf counsellors who can be contacted s,o if I have another baby I have a better chance of success because I'm forewarned.

Of course then I have the guilt about possibly bf one child when I ff the first but that's a different story

Snowballs Your story resonates with me because my experience with DS1 was so similar. It might reassure you to know that I am successfully BF DS2 aged 2 weeks. You are in no way a failure and nor was I - it is the crappy hospital system and lack of training/funding that is the failure.

Sorry, have just read your last post and see that you are already prepared for success. Good for you, I had the same attitude this time and it has made all the difference

snowball, sadly newqueen's opinion is quite common on here - there does seem to be a fair few posters who think it really is cos mothers who ff just genuinely couldn't be bothered or didn't care, makes me so but often when I challenge it they never come back and justify their offensive and ridiculous opinions.

I think often people on here forget the broad spectrum of people who read this site and how unbelievably hurtful (and ignorant) their comments can be.

Provincial, your post is v reassuring - I so badly want to bf baby No 2 now I'm so much more aware of why I failed last time.

I think it's something people say, 'it didn't work out...' People ask what happened about an ex, or whatever, and I've said it in that context. It can mean, 'I have so much emotion caught up in this, and I don't wanna talk about it, piss off...'

snowballs your story of the first few hours following your dcs birth mirrors mine.

I got scaremongered into giving formula too for the same reasons.

However unlike you I was lucky that an excellent mw came on duty the next few subsequent days who really helped with bf.

However after 6 weeks dd was hungry and miserable i couldn't express a drop, and was demoralised and miserable and I'd done the feed feed feed babymoon thing constantly which did nothing to help my supply.

At this point though dd refused a bottle and continued to suck away in despration not getting filled up, and nothing working. At 4 months she was still feeding from me at LEAST every 3/4 hr.

I agree with other posters that even with the right support for some of us BF still DOES NOT WORK.

Spongebrain and Riven some people just lack empathy and imagination. They aren't worth wasting brain space on. Even people who found BF easy can usually see that it isn't like that for everyone.

And spongebrain, I was so anxious that DS2 just wouldn't latch on, but he did - of course he did, because when things are allowed to run their normal course that is what they do (assuming no physical problems etc). It is the inteference and rough handling that causes the problems.

If I say that about DS it generally means what it says on the packet - 'b/f him didn't work out' depending on my tone of voice it might also imply 'and I don't want to talk about it right now'.

People in this situation can often feel very fragile about it for a long time afterwards and sometimes just want their feelings of sadness acknowledged without having to explain the whole sorry story over and over again.

I think it was a fair enough post too. I too am curious about why it hasn't worked out for some people - not in a judgemental way but just of curiosity. Sometimes mummies do want to talk about their experiences - i know I talked about my birth experience with anyone who would listen because I just had to get it off my chest! Maybe they don't want to talk about it and therefore shrug it off but I think sometimes they think you wouldn't be interested/don;t want to bore you when in actual fact they would love to have someone listen to them!
Higgledy - good for you for going to the cafe! Do you think there might be anything in your diet that might be upsetting her? My DS just couldn't tolerate oranges or dairy at all and anytime I ate them he became really fussy after the feed - so maybe it's not hunger but something that you've eaten that doesn't agree with her? Just a thought! I really hope it works out for you.

OP - I would imagine the reason people say a blanket "it didn't work out" and then don't want to discuss it further with you is because you (from the sounds of it) are successfully breastfeeding and they feel like a failure in comparison.

If you want to breastfeed and try and it "doesn't work out" then it can be very painful and discussing it, even years later, with someone who appears to be having no problem with it would be pretty unpleasant.

If I said this to someone breastfeeding and they turned round with a query as to why it hadn't worked out, I would probably take it as a smug - "oh, well why didn't it work out, it's clearly so easy, look I'm doing it fine - gosh you probably didn't try very hard".

Hope that helps.

Higgledy, I woudl also say not to take the expressing amount as a good estimation of how much you are producing - I really had trouble expressing - DS was obviously just much better at it than I was! If I had gone on the amount I could have expressed I would have sworn he would starve - and obviously he didn't!

It could mean anything from 'I couldn't be arsed' to 'I had the most horrendous painful experience, nobody helped me and I still feel guilty'.
I was re-admitted to hospital at day 6, following an em c/s, as DS lost over 20% of his birthweight. He had an NG tube passed. It took another 6 days before I established BF and if it hadn't been for one MW I would have given up and FF.
For me then, it wouldn't have worked out.

Provincial, thank you. I found the most wonderful bf counsellor locally who said she would come and visit me every day at home next time to help me - I just wish I'd met her before I gave up .

Riven, I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I still have a lot of unresolved feelings, but can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. I'm sure you couldn't have made a difference if you'd bf . This is why people should think before wading in with their ignorant comments.

I don't actually know anyone who didn't bf cos they couldn't be arsed - I'm sure they exist, but not amongst my RL friends (many of whom found bf a nightmare with number one then breezed if with second and subsequent children because they knew so much more about where to access support and what to do to tackle problems encountered).

Breastfeeding 'didn't work out' for either of my dd's. Afterwards a few friends and aquaintances made comments like, 'Oh I know, it is so hard, but i am really bloody minded', or 'I was just so desperate to b'feed I really worked hard at it'. Now whilst i am genuinely pleased that they succeeded in something that was so difficult for them, it does also make me feel like i just didn't try hard enough. I feel guilty about not breastfeeding, because it is something i should have been able to do, and didn't (despite, my best efforts). I guess I do tend to jump in with comments like, I wanted so much to b'feed, but it didn't work out', because i want people to know that I wanted to do the best for my child, whilst at the same time, not particularly wanting to go into a fairly lengthy story involving, bleeding nipples, thrush, 3rd degree tears, rubbish midwives, tongue ties etc etc.

Sorry for rambleyness of post!

I would imagine that for the great majority of people whom it didn't work out for, the major contributing factor whether they were aware of it or not, was lack of proper support.

I know a few friends who genuinely believe they couldn't breastfeed because of what they were told by healthcare professionals. They were very upset but accepted the advice given and went on to formula feed, most of them feeling pretty bad about it. In each case I know that the advice they were given was wrong, but I would never say that to them as they have made peace with it and moved on.

People may feel like they've had good advice/support when in actual fact it has been crap.

I think the OP has had many good replies which surely answer the original question and I hope she comes back to read them.

Goodness me what a wealth of information.
Thanks for all the answers - I feel that I have a much better understanding now - hopefully others feel the same. Particularly thanks to people for actively trying not to upset me - I'm not normally this sensitive - just having a bad day today - sorry for getting upset earlier.

Thanks Leo for your posts - I have read them all and feel much better informed as to why I hear this line all the time and then no further info is offered. I am not in any way a smug person and would hate to upset anyone so forewarned is forearmed in handling RL situations more sensitively.

I really like the way so many people are talking about issues though and I can see all that brilliant sisterly support.

Riven - my heart really goes out to you. I don't know what happened but I am certain that there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Your method of feeding couldn't possibly have altered anything. Please stop blaming yourself

Gawd I feel you on the big-boobs hedgewitch. Mine are currently a 36H and still bulging.

Poor 'help' and crap 'support'
Massive, sore, heavy boobs (couldn't even see nipple let alone whether baby was latched on 'correctly'
Infected Caesar scar - 4 months of infection
Antibiotics (should a newborn get oral thrush?)
PND
Baby not latching on (doctor gave baby Calpol 4 hours after born - sleepy baby?)

etcetcetcetc

Who knows why?

I came to the conclusion that I would be making many, many difficult decisions about my child in the next 18 years or so and this was the first of them. Best case scenerio - breast feeding. Worst case scenario formula. I went with the formula and got on with all the other problems.