Sorry for all those needing tena lady - I'm not there yet, but am anticipating needing them IF I ever have any more children.
EmLou really good news about baby's growth- you must be delighted.
ARcadie sympathies with wardrobe nightmare and Shroomer - just think about how proud you'll be of those bits of furniture once you've finally put them together (or you'll secretly resent them forever).
I'm going to have a bit of a long, long rant - feel free to skip right over this as I think it'll just make me feel better to get it out!
So we've been planning a home birth and I'm really committed to doing everything I can to feel ready, positive and as much in control as I can. Active birth yoga, check, matching active birth ante-natal classes, check, brilliant doula, check, natal hypnotherapy CDs, check etc, etc. I've been feeling really upbeat about the whole experience which from what I've read is important.
DH mentioned on Wednesday that he's been invited to pitch for this amazing, career-making piece of freelance work. He's transitioning from full time employment to his own business at the moment. He explained that they have to get at least 80% of the work done in March. It's such a big deal that though I've been really protective of our time together around then I said of course he should go for it. My mum can always come up for the day if he's got to go out and lots of his work can be done from home.
Yesterday, about 20 mins before we leave for our ante-natal class he mentions breezily that the work would include a 3/4 day trip to New York. I smiled and said - well I guess that'll have to be in the 20% you do after March. He said it would have to be done in March and then dropped in that there would be 2 separate trips to Dartmoor, one to Berlin and one to Brussels. He thinks they will all be day trips, but I'm betting there will be a couple of overnight stays.
I got a bit hysterical saying that however he scheduled these trips he was either going to be away when I went in to labour or going abroad within the first couple of weeks (possibly first couple of days) after the birth. We're due 8 March, but could happen before that obviously or any point up to 24th if I went overdue...and he'd have to schedule these trips in the next few weeks.
I calmed down and talked to him and he said he was looking at the bigger picture, we needed this financially and that these opportunities never come up. In that way he is right and I won't stop him pitching for the work. I think he could really resent me and the baby for it if he doesn't at least try and he's right - it could make a huge difference to our lives.
However, I'm terrified at the thought of going in to labour when he's in Dartmoor let alone New York. The extra stress of trying to get hold of him, him trying to get back etc etc is exactly the opposite of the environment we've been trying to create. I don't want to be on my own in the early stages when I'm not sure if this is labour or not and when I'm trying to go for a walk, come home and rest, have a bath etc as we've planned.
He pointed out that we have the Doula, but it isn't the same. I won't want to call her out if I'm not sure I'm in labour and I certainly don't think it'll be the same to give birth and go through this without him there.
Even if he's there for the birth, I'd hate it if he went away so swiftly afterwards. Of course my Mum could come and stay and we'd all be fine, but we'd been planning 3 weeks together and a real chance to bond and get used to things. My mum's not terribly breastfeeding friendly either and would be so sniffy about the home birth that we weren't even planning on telling her let alone inviting her.
So, after thinking it through, I said to him he should pitch for it because it is important, but that the reality is that I will be anxious and upset about it until we know for sure and if he gets it to expect me to have tears and tantrums because however hard it would be for him to leave me with our new baby or be away when I am in labour, it will be a damn site shittier for me!
I know this isn't very fair on him, but it's pretty honest at least.
We went to our ante natal class last night and heard 3 stories from the previous group who came back with their partners - 3 totally different experiences (EMCS, unplanned home birth, planned hospital birth with really long 2nd stage). All of the partners had been really involved and important to the process and all said it was an amazing experience as a couple. I spent the night having anxiety dreams and burst in to tears when I woke up. I feel like all the positivity I felt about it has been replaced by complete terror and blind panic.
Anyway, not much anyone can do and much, much, much worse things have happened. Lots of people have brilliant births without a partner and the baby and me being healthy is really all that matters. Plus he hasn't even got the job yet.
However it just feels really scary and though he says he feels torn I am having to try not to be angry about how blase he is about the whole thing (Me: 'but it could be a really short labour and you might not be back in time. A friend just had her first baby in 6 hours.' Him: 'Well, if it's as quick and smooth as that you'll be fine with just the Doula'. Me: 'But I wanted us to have this experience of birth and the first few weeks together, not feel alone', Him: 'But you'll have the Doula, you won't be alone')
Thanks for reading this if you've got this far - will pull self together now and stop whinging.
p.s. I really hope this doesn't come across as insensitive to people who don't have a DP. I think there are lots of benefits to having a different birth partner and sure you will have splendid births - it's more about the change of plan here and DH's attitude.