Due May 2020 (thread 5)

[sao81]

Carrying on from thread 4!

@woollycat how scary. Glad you are okay now.

@november90 sending you hugs. Remember the counsellor isn’t there to take sides just to help you express yourselves and say what you need to. Just take a breath and know you have every right to feel this way

@november90 excuse my wording there 🙈 how he has made you feel!! Xx

@woollycat, that’s horrible, hope you’re ok x I went to my first NCT class tonight, I really enjoyed it but at one point when the practitioner was talking about birth I went all dizzy and thought I was going to faint and had to sit down 🙈 it just made it all so real.

But I left feeling good about everything and looking forward to the next class. Ive also made an enquiry for pregnancy yoga 🧘‍♀️ and thinking of buying the digital pack for hypnobirthing from the positive birth company. Has anyone tried this?

@november90 I hope everything goes ok tomorrow, thinking of you x

@Sunshine8888 my friend recommended that online course as well - the one by the positive birth company. She swore by it!

@november20 tell him how you feel! You're lucky I'm not there with you - I've been thinking of you so much and am just so angry he's put you through what he has. Remember you have done nothing wrong!! Feel free to say exactly what you want to. It will help you get closure if nothing else.

@Woolycat yes I've had this for the last week it's horrible! And really scary! I was told lie down and elevate my feet to help the blood flow.

Is anyone else doing Aqua Natal? I had my second class tonight and it was a different teacher and not at all relaxing it was full on but I loved it! It felt good to move my body as now I'm off work I'm just vegetating and finding it really hard to get focused. I'm not good with my own company and I'm getting very lonely in the day. I'm only 3 weeks in so it doesn't bode well! But hopefully when mat leave officially starts (I've been signed off for the last 3 weeks until it does start) I'll start making some plans to see people and get out. This weather isn't helping.. so miserable! Forces us to stay in! Time off has been what I've needed to mentally get better but I haven't liked how lonely I've felt.

Also, and I know this is ridiculous, but is anyone starting to feel scared about Labour? I haven't been until this week... and I'm worried I have such a rubbish pain tolerance I'll be pathetic. I also keep having really scary irrational dreams about something going wrong. I don't help myself as I often read negative news / blog posts rather than positive. But I'm due to give birth in a midwife run centre and I'm starting to feel anxious about the what ifs? Is this normal? Xx

@mrsf1204 yes normal! i hate being off during the day when everyone else is working ( not like you can go drinking until midnight then sleep to midday!) ... that's why i'm not taking time off in a bulk- i'm taking random days to do bits around the house , watch a couple of movies ! i like working ( sad me😑😬). have you joined any mummy groups / NCT! our classes start soon so looking forward to meeting new ppl and hopefully make new friends who will be off the same time.

speaking of bloody labour 😰😰😰 i had my 28 weeks midwife appoitment - she decided i should go to the assessment unit to get checked. i go there and there's a woman screaming her head off giving birth ( too far gone for her to move to birth centre or theatres) so i had to hear all that and then the babies came ( crying) it was a twin ). i was sitting next to another lady and her husband timing her contractions like it was no big deal 😑😑😑☠️ i freaked out! i didn't even stay to get checked - i just left and went back to work 😰🤞🏼

@november90 counselling is emotionally tiring - i thought it was mediations you were attending?! counselling is different than mediation. i found some youtube videos about divorce mediation so maybe u can search and watch some. another helpful thing at times like this is pen and paper.
write your questions and queries.. make list of good and things that were not good.. list the feelings and needs.. practical points you want to raise... just literally do that.. then maybe you could write a letter to your " Dear Ex husband, and pour your heart out ". you don't have to give him this but it does help you cope x

@Sunshine8888 I have the book and been thinking of buying the online course! It is very good( book!) Or seems to be- bear in mind this is my first baby so can't say it's actually helped me through a labour yet haha. On your tube there is some videos on there by the person who owns the Positive birth company which are really good as well. I'm presuming its to give you the indication of what the course is like! A friend of mine did it and did say she found it extremely useful. Xxx

Morning. We are attending an information evening tonight at local hospital. No idea what it actually covers, how long it is etc but figured we should go along.
I'm hoping to talk to consultants there and see if we can book a tour as we are in a 'foreign' country, and everything new and a different language. Hoping to get some confirmation that someone at least will speak some English as I speak local language fairly fluently now for work, but DH doesn't and I'm not sure how helpful his pigeon language will be in trying to make potential big decisions if needed and I can't help.
We do have a local 'grandma' figure who I think i might try and get on standby incase we need her language skills.

Thank you all!
I think this meeting is more to discuss sessions and say a bit about what has happened. My cheeks are already bright red I'm feeling stressed!

It was a disaster. He told the councillor he was not willing to to talk about our relationship as he just wants it to be business. He said that I should be the one getting therapy. He then told me when the baby is born he doesn't want to be there and he's getting legal advice about have the baby over night! What do I do?! Surely he can't take a new born baby away from me over night???!! Is there legal advice I can get? I am absolutely heart broken!

@november90 I'm so sorry that he is being such an arse! I'd speak to citizens advice and find out youe options. My friend had similar issues and from what I remember she was told its not appropriate for overnight stays for at least the first 6 months, as baby should be with mum wherever possible

Oh November that’s awful. I am pretty sure that if you intend to breastfeed they are not allowed to separate you. This isn’t to pressure but for ammunition. I’d speak to citizens advice or maybe some women’s aid groups who can help you.

@november90 I’m so sorry to read this, I just don’t understand how anyone can be so heartless and cruel. It doesn’t sound like he’s thinking about what’s best for your baby at all, just what he wants. I don’t know the legal position but I can’t see how that could even be considered an option unless it was somehow proved to be in the baby’s best interests

Thank you girls. The more people I speak to the more I see that he is just using bullying and intimidating tactics and being incredibly selfish. I literally hate him right now. I'm completely cutting off any thought of him other them childcare and maintenance agreements from now on and focus on myself. I'm going to citizens advice next week to see if I can get some legal advice. I don't want joint custody. I want my sons to have a stable home, not here there and everywhere. He works shifts so it's never regular childcare and it's not fair! It's not fair to take my son and newborn away from me when he's being so selfish and treating me like this! I cannot believe this has become of my life. I feel like such a failure :(

You are not a failure @november90. He has failed you as a husband and a parent if he continues to act this way. Whatever you do, you cannot blame yourself!

So sorry you are going through this @november90. I would say that he is just saying this to be spiteful though. If he was willing to walk out on you during your pregnancy, I can’t actually see him wanting to take care of a newborn overnight. It’s just another act to make you feel stressed and is utterly disgusting. No court would give him any access overnight for at least the first 6 months I would guess. Try not to worry, easier said than done I know. And you’re not a failure at all, you’ve been failed by the one person who was supposed to be by your side x

He's trying to make out that I am the reason why he's struggled to have a bond with our eldest. Basically our son was breast fed and I did all the night feeds and awakenings and always have done. I did that for a few reasons, he worked shifts and nights and I can cope with lack of sleep whereas he can't, because of his work I also wanted to establish a solid routine and couldn't do that due to his work, he was breast fed and I fed him to sleep, and finally he never expressed this was an issue UNTILL exactly a year ago. So last year I said if you want to get involved at night time why don't you start putting him to bed with me and we can wean this in as my son would not accept anyone else but me. Anyway, he never once came up to do the bedtimes. He didn't get up with him in the mornings. And As much as I was ok with this, he is now saying because he didn't do the night feeds etc I have manipulated his relationship and controlled him. He said that he's just let me get on with it because it's easier then arguing!!!!!!! How is any of that fair? He now said that his relationship is better then ever with our son when I'm not there. Probably because he's a novelty parent and takes him to soft play on every contact! I told him that he is responsible for his relationship with our son, not me. I said I've put 100% in, 7 days a week and that is why we are how we are! He's still blaming me and I don't think he will EVER take responsibility for it. He's obviously looking at their relationship now and wishes he did more, but that is not my fault!!!! And I'm furious he's blaiming it on me!!!! So I think now he's trying to manipulate me. He said I'm incapable of change, so I pointed out that I had arranged the counciling and work our childcare around his schedule every dam week! How am I not being flexible? How can he be SO blind!!!!!
Anyway he just text me saying that he's still holding a lot of anger and doesn't think we should deal with it together. He said before not willing to discuss our issues despite admitting that the relationship got bad because we ignored issues and he's quite happy to leave it all until the baby is here! He said he just wants to be the dad he's always wanted to be. That comment has made my blood boil, nobody has stopped him from being a dad apart from himself!!!!

Sorry to rant everyone. He's making me feel like I'm insane. There's obviously no discussion to be had with him so I'm not responding to him and getting legal advice next week! If he wants to do it this way then that's fine but at least our boys will know that I tried.

I told him I'm the session that I have no trust in him whatsoever. If he walked out on me, he could easily walk out on all of us. I'm glad I said that.

Did I ever tell you that he ended the relationship via text? I told him that had I not asked to meet up with him after it to discuss it or arranged today then we would never have spoke about it! And he's making out that I'm the bad guy here! He's simply deflecting all of his guilt on me and it's just so unfair.

Sorry to be a downer on this thread girls, it should be a happy place not just me going on about myself all the time.

If anyone has any legal advise about custody and if I have the right to be a primary parent then please please send it my way. I'm not after any hate like I've had on other threads. I'm just trying my best to deal with all of this and I have no idea how :(

@november90 you have no reason to apologise, he is being unreasonable. It seems like he is trying to find any excuse to justify himself, and to use the fact you breastfed is disgusting imo. I don't think he realises how much easier it would be to settle out of court, as once a court order is in place thats his flexibility gone. And if hes reasons for overnight contact are because you done all the night feeds last time, i imagine he will get laughed out that court room. Id get all the advice you can now before he takes it further

Hi @november90. He may be a talk and no action but if he truely intends to take it to court it will be for a 'child arrangement order'. An order of this type can cover a few things including who the child lives with and who the child spends time with. They used to be two separate orders and you will still see people refer to them as 'residency orders and contact orders'. You need a family solicitor. Citizens advice can direct you and you can be given help to apply for legal aid if it does go to court.

Firstly unless there was a child protection issue, no court would suggest overnight stays away from mum was appropriate for a newborn baby. Secondly, unless there was a child protection issue it will take months to even get to court for an initial hearing never mind getting to the actual point of a judge making an order.

I hope this reassures you.

Are you married?

Thank you so much!
We are married unfortunately and we can't file for divorce until we've been speedster for 2 years!! I feel like that's going to make it all the more difficult!!

@november90 I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this and can’t believe anyone thinks it’s ok to intentionally put a pregnant woman through stress.

I can’t add much that hasn’t already been said but I would like to add that your husband sounds like a full blown twat.

@november90 It won't make any difference to a judge making a decision about arrangements for a child so don't worry about that. I only ask because if you weren't married it would have potentially created even more of a delay at the start of court proceedings but utimately it doesn't matter.

My gut instinct is he probably won't progress through the court system. It's not something where you just 'click your fingers and it happens' it requires commitment, patience and forward planning. It sounds like he is just saying things to hurt/frighten you and he knows the baby is your vulnerable spot. I know it's easy to say but try not to worry.

On a lighter note happy pancake day everyone! I had one for me and other for the baby (obviously!)