The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

Totally lost it today with a garage who for the second time did not put my wheels on properly and had to get my car in garage after extreme knocking after wheels had worked their way loose. First time the whole of my wheel was wobbling after travelling 70 miles on a motorway. This is the second time the garage has attempted to kill me.

They denied it, said they had cctv evidence of tightening up and inferred I was talking rubbish. Then started asking why I had driven car two miles to garage if it was dangerous and making a noise? Why had I not got a police report? Why had i waited two weeks (but said a month) to complain to them. (because initially I was too angry and then busy). Then when I said tyres, corrected me to wheels.
I saw red, started shouting, told the guy who decided to speak to me rather than the manager that perhaps he should allow me to speak to manager who had better social skills.

Then I put phone down and cried as I was so frustrated. Think my hormones got the better of me. I'm sure they wouldn't have spoken to a man in the same way.

Sorry nothing about pregnancy I know. God, I just couldn't control my emotions tonight. 😬

@Beaglemum93, it is a good sign.

@Lozzak87, sorry that sounds painful, whatever the cause I hope it doesn't return.

@Twittlebee, I hope they are able to pin point the cause and treat it asap. I'm glad your scan went well.

@Rubyroost, sorry to hear about the stressful indecent of the garage not doing the job they were paid to properly. It sounds very scary having a wobbly wheel on the motorway 😱. I'm glad you are safe, humans are getting worse and I don't think it is guarantee that men get better treatment anymore. Unless the man looks rich.

@Twittlebee That sounds so stressful. It's never nice when there could be different reasons for things so I hope they can find out why and sort it out for you. Glad baby is doing well though, always lovely to hear!

Scan today went well, and everything looks as it should be which is great. Might get further along this time round, and the protein they found in my urine last week seems to have gone from this morning's sample I did so feeling a bit more positive now

@UnicornsandRainbows1 Really glad you're being well looked after and things aren't looking too bad. Great that you had no protein today.

@Notnowokay I wonder if your diabetes doctor is on the spectrum... I think sometimes people with autism know that they should be making eye-contact and over-compensate because it doesn't come naturally to them... Or maybe in the past he was criticised for not making enough eye contact with patients and he's just not quite got the knack properly.... Anyhoo, at least he is making an effort I suppose, and it's good that he gives you good advice; but I would feel uncomfortable with it too.

@coconutlatte44 You absolutely did the right thing getting checked chicken. Try to be kind to yourself and ignore those negative voices in your head. You're doing great. x

@Beaglemum93 I love the photo with the rainbow bump! How lovely!

@Lozzak87 Oh dear, I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. Are you feeling any better now? Try to keep hydrated!

@TwittleBee I'm glad baby looks fine. I hope you get to the bottom of the pain and bleeding. I really hope it's something easily treatable.

@Bluebelltulip Rest up now! Hope you had a good time with the family.

@Rubyroost Urgh! That sounds horrible and stressful. Don't go back there again. I'm glad you're safe.

I had a MW appointment today which went really well. Baby Girl kicked the MW when she was using the doppler because the gel and her hands were really cold. She was not a happy bunny, but it was really funny. Her heart-rate went up as she was wriggling around and then came back down again and MW was really pleased with that because she said it's a sign she's nice and healthy.
I've been booked in for a double appointment in two weeks so that we can make a birth plan. I'll be making one for c-section and also planning for natural birth just in case. I was given homework to do to research a load of things she suggested thinking about so we can put the plans together next time I go and things to do to keep baby in head-down position. It felt like a really positive experience today.
And Baby has been wriggling loads today too.

Thanks everyone,
I’m home now and it’s such a relief - I know the NHS isn’t perfect but it’s so much easier knowing that if you have any concerns you can just go right in without worrying about insurance issues.

The trip obviously didn’t go as planned but at the end of the day I got to see my family and I needed to make sure the little one was OK so that’s what I did - I am feeling less worked up about it all now. Just keeping my fingers crossed the insurance issues get worked out quickly.

Will do a full catch-up of the thread tomorrow!

@Lozzak87 I’ve had random nausea/vomiting spells throughout - was nauseous without vomiting probably from weeks 8-16 or so then randomly vomited a few times at 20ish weeks and then again a few weeks ago after heartburn struck. I don’t think you can always predict it!

Super selfish post from me so apologies in advance.

As the central line was part suspended this morning I have had a horrible journey. After dropping my daughter at nursery, I've had to deal with delayed trains and huge crowds. I'm sick of being pushed and ignored and worrying someone will fall on me. It stresses me out so much, I feel like crying! And I'm not even at work yet!

Last day Thursday and I'm ready NOW. Should have finished last week as I originally intended. Commuting in London is not for this stage of pregnancy!!!!!!! Dunno how anyone does this longer than 36 weeks!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I dont know how you have done it! Thankfully my Dr has actually written I am not to travel into London and should preferably work from home as much as possible. But then I have been put on "rest" and that feels a little stir crazy - cant even go grocery shopping on my own. But you can do it, only 2 more days to go!

Your post brings me back from my freak out @Twittlebee and makes me realise we all have our struggles during pregnancy. I am pleased you have been told not to travel but I understand the stir crazy! You have a toddler son don't you? How are you coping with 'rest' when looking after him?! I find with my DD there is never time to sit down rest!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue ah that wasnt my intention exactly but glad it had that effect I guess haha. Was just sharing how I am grateful I dont have to make that journey in anymore! Im always surprised at how I have to ask loudly for a seat when I travel into London and even then I am ignored probably 65% of the time! Toddler is actually being pretty understanding, I think it is because he has fear of losing this baby too which is upsetting. He keeps talking about doctors and role plays a lot as a doctor looking after his doll.

Oh bless him, what a little sweetheart. My DD loves playing doctors too but her games center around getting a plaster or having an injection! It must be so hard for you managing your own grief and anxiety as well as his emotions and inevitable questions. Did he meet Roy? xxx

Yes he met Roy three times when alive and then we let him say goodbye to him once Roy had died too. DS role plays with stuff he can find to be the wires, tubes and stethoscope so really does feel like he his roleplaying NICU. I would love to know exactly how much he understands, it is difficult to really know isnt it? The counsellors at the Hospice said that children do not gain understanding for the concept of death until they are 4.

How old is he? @Twittlebee, my DD is nearly 3 and also role plays doctor's a lot with poorly babies but usually in my tummy. Her first response when she hears a baby or if I go to hospital is normally 'is the baby poorly' it's hard and we get questions about death frequently. I wish she didn't have to understand any of it but it's not the way things are.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue only a few days left, I'm glad I don't have any journeys like that to do.

It's lovely that they met @Twittlebee but it must be so hard for you and you @Bluebelltulip. I have no advice but I think the role play is probably a healthy expression of their experiences and is their little way of making sense of the world. I think in time their games will change as they have different experiences to re-enact and build upon. I think you're both incredibly strong to be dealing with all your own fears and sadness, whilst doing right by your kids. Super mums xxx

@Bluebelltulip he turned 2, 2 days after Roy died, and so is coming up 2 years and 5 months now. It is tough isnt it, no clue how I am meant to answer the death questions when they properly surface. Although the Hospice have said they're happy for me to take DS to them for them to help provide answers and counselling for him. Is there anything on offer for you and your DD?

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue thank you, dont feel so super though! Just doing all I can to ensure we all keep moving it feels like. Yes, the roleplaying is very healthy - his nursery have said they actually take comfort in seeing him role play what he has gone through as it means he is understanding and accepting it

@Twittlebee my DD1 was 2 2 days after DD2 died as well. I was given some contact details for some child bereavement support but not contacted any one. We have a book called little star which has helped. My DD doesn't talk about it at nursery it tends to be when it's just me and her, occasionally DH. I try to be as factual as I can with my answers.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I don't feel strong, I do what I need to do to get through each day at a time.

I went to a stay and play session this morning with DD. This week there was a lot of families with a newborn and toddler, I found it really hard which seems silly as I will hopefully be the same in a few weeks but I find it hard as DD2 isn't here. Sometimes I am ok in those situations but today was not one of them.

@UnicornsandRainbows1, congratulations on the positive scan and no protine in the urine.

@KnitKitty, yeey for the really positive experience yesterday. Which birth methord are you more inclined towards?

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, sorry to hear about the terrible experience on the central line. Only two more days to go. People are getting more and more engulfed in their own little world and forget about what is happening around them. There was one man I will never forget on tfl rail during my last pregnancy and he saw my bump and started screaming and shaming people who were sitting down until another man got up and offered me his seat. Maybe being loud is the answer? I have never tried that myself and don't think most people can. Standing in front or near a man is more likely to get someone to offer you a seat. That is something I have learnt from experience. Not only for pregnant women but for toddlers as well. I proved it to my dh, well it was only three diffrent times that were not rush hour but I told dh to stand infront of women with ds3 and no seats offered. Then on other trains I asked him to stand infront of men and the men got up straight away. The people who offer seats are 80% men and 20% women, in my experience.

@Twittlebee, you may be raising a future doctor. My ds1 when he was around 3yr one day randomly he said to me "mom when I grow up I will become a doctor and give you medicen that won't hurt you." He was talking about my blood glucose meter as when I check I need to get blood out but I had never complained about it to him. Children know a lot more than they are given credit for. I'm glad your ds1 is understanding.

What a parallel @Bluebelltulip ! Bloody tough for you too I should imagine, grieving whilst attempting to keep your DD's birthday joyous for her? Was one of the weirdest and contrasting days of my life, DS' birthday. My DS will be nearly 3 when this one is born too so another similarity there between us. Sorry you struggled with stay and play - totally not silly because you are still missing your baby even with another one on the way. I always feel like screaming "I have a baby too" or "I have 2 under 2 too" at my friends when they talk about their struggles with their babies (as irrational as that seems too)

@Notnowokay DS does answer "doctor" when you ask him what he wants to be when he grows up!

Went shopping during my lunch break, just wanted some snacks for this afternoon and a can of coke (addicted I swear!). Oh my what a struggle that was. First time I have been in a grocery store since they've started playing christmas music. Sainsbury's just felt way to jolly today and I swear every person with a baby around same age as what Roy should have been was out in force to flaunt how their baby will be having their first christmas. How are we to get through this season?

Selfish handholding post ☹️

Less than a week since I had a really good 8 week scan and now I've got dark brown spotting which is exactly how my second miscarriage started. I know lots of people have spotting but can't help but think that it's all over for me already. Stupidly started to get my hopes up and even bought a maternity Christmas jumper. What an idiot!

Hi ladies,

Haven't checked in for a while, though I have been following everyone's updates - tbh I've been struggling a lot with my mental health, especially now that the scan reassurance has worn off (20 week scan next week).

Really gutted as I thought I finally felt movement this morning, but realised this afternoon that I was feeling my pulse in my abdomen 🙈😭😭 I wish so much that I could feel her! I don't think I've felt anything so far.

Congrats on the arrival of your little ones @Squiff70! Hope both you and the babies are doing well?

Hi @RedRobin7. How worrying for you. Is it spotting or bleeding? Can you put a pad on to monitor the amount? Also, have you tired your EPU to see if they can see you tomorrow? I'm so sorry you're going through this stress. Please try and remember this is a different pregnancy - different egg, different sperm. I'm keeping all crossed for you and sending hugs. Keep posting on here if you're worried and need an outlet, it's what we are here for! xxx

Still thinking of you @Squiff70 and praying for your little ones xxx

Great to hear from you @Dimblebimble. When is your 20 week scan?

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue 20 week scan is next Tuesday, so not long to wait now, but I feel very impatient. I've booked the day off work so that if everything is okay we can start doing some reading (I've deliberately not researched any farther ahead than 20 weeks as I didn't want to get my hopes up prematurely) and making a shopping list (I know family want to buy us some baby stuff for Christmas, and I don't want to keep saying no even though too me it still feels too early).

I have my work Christmas meal tomorrow and I'm a bit worried people might notice my bump and bring it up, as Ive been working from home a lot and haven't seen a lot of them in person for a while now. I've told a handful of people who needed to know or who I needed advice from, but otherwise have kept it quiet. I find it really difficult talking to people who are super positive about the pregnancy and assume everything is going to be okay, especially when I haven't had a scan for a while. I don't know why but it makes me feel really down. So far I've told most people about the miscarriages when telling them about the pregnancy as a way of prompting them to be a bit sensitive about it but I don't really want to tell the whole department (because I feel it's TMI for most of them, rather than because I have an issue with them knowing per se). Argh, I find this pregnancy is a minefield mental health wise!

Sorry for the long message - how are you? Xx

Hi everyone, thank you for asking after me.

Our daughter Ava is 11 days old today. She is still critical but is stable most of the time.

I am so devastated to let you know that our son Elliott passed away on friday evening.

That's all I can manage for now, I'm sorry. I'll try a proper update soon.

Hang in there xxx

Oh Squiff I am so so so sorry. That grief you are facing now alongside caring for your daughter must be beyond difficult. Both those names are lovely. Do not worry about updating us at all. Spend your time grieving your son and being by your daughter's side for as long as is possible; hopefully all the way until she is home and beyond x

@Squiff70 so sorry for your loss of Elliot a lovely name. I hope Ava continues to be stable. You are in my thoughts and prayers x x x