The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Squiff70 there are no words. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and for the loss of your lovely little Elliot (one of my favourite boy names!). I will continue to keep you and Ava in my thoughts. Please don't feel you have to update us, but know that we are here if you need anything at all. Sending you an abundance of love xxxx

@Squiff70 I’ve not stopped thinking about you. I’m heartbroken to hear of the loss of Elliott. I’m so sorry. I’m praying that Ava is ok. No words xxxx

I'm so so sorry for your loss @Squiff70. I can't even imagine what you're going through. You and your family are in my thoughts and I have everything crossed for little Ava and hope she'll be ok.

@Squiff70 I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you and your loved ones are going through. I will be thinking of you, Ava and family, and hoping that she remains stable x X x

@Dimblebimble I think I must be a few weeks behind you, my 20 week scan is on 19th. I haven't told everyone in the office (i work across quite a few) just those I'm friendly with, although definitely have a bump so had a few people ask. I get how everyone is so positive. I have antibodies that can harm my baby's heart so I'm not safe yet (risk is low).
@RedRobin7 is there anyone you can get hold of so you can see someone tomorrow to reassure you?
@Twittlebee @Bluebelltulip I think it's only natural that you are spotting babies of a certain age. My due date for the baby I lost was yesterday and all I keep seeing are large pregnant tummies and young babies
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue is there anyway you can work from home these last few days?
@coconutlatte44 glad you are home safe and well
@KnitKitty I'm pleased midwife went well, it's reassuring when you hear the heartbeat
@UnicornsandRainbows1 pleased the scan went well and that the protein has disappeared
@Rubyroost it's so rude of garages. I had a main dealer tell me I couldn't drive my car away because one side of the handbrake wasn't catching properly. Tried telling me my brakes could fail while driving. My dads a mechanic and told me it was pants (I was driving it to look fit straight from them anyway). Nearly had me in tears
@Beaglemum93 that's an amazing bump photo with the rainbow

Well I've made it to 17 weeks, fetal heart scan last Monday was ok they managed to get the measurements they need, then 16 week midwife was Friday and all ok, heartbeat was strong (the cardiologist has said I need monitoring every 1-2weeks), then consultant yesterday, so saw the baby again and heart looked good. She originally was red to see me every 2-3 weeks but now has said next appt in 10 weeks! I have bought my own monitor (after reading an American study where they gave them to mothers to check the baby twice a day and they were able to get help sooner than waiting the 1-2 weeks) so I'm doing that, consultant is happy! I feel a little more in control.
Next appt is a week tomorrow for official monitor, then 20week scan on 19th and another fetal heart scan on (30th!

@Squiff70 I am so very very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you had an opportunity to meet Elliott and spend some time with him and hope Ava continues to be stable and get stronger with every day. Sending you lots and lots of love, you are in my prayers.

@Squiff70 deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your son Elliot. Thinking of you, Ava and family and hoping/praying hard that Ava pulls through xx

@Squiff70 I am so so sorry for your loss, there are no words at all. Elliot is a beautiful name and your time with him was so precious. Please know that we are here for you whenever you need someone to talk to and I hope you have lots of support at the hospital with you now. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time and routing for baby Ava. Sending you hugs and lots of love Xxx.

@Squiff70 I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby son. Wishing you strength at this very difficult time. Hoping so hard your baby daughter grows stronger. You have been very much in my thoughts.

@Squiff70 I've only just read your update and can't really put this into words. I am so fucking sorry to hear about lovely Elliot and what you're going through. No need to update us anymore, unless of course you need to. Concentrate on Ava and your family; we'll be around to listen when you need us.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that Ava gets stronger for you. Please know that your family are in all of our thoughts.

@Squiff70 I am really sorry to hear this sad news. I will be thinking of you all during this difficult time and I hope little Ava continues to fight. Take care, sending so much love xxx

@Squiff70 so very sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you at this sad time. Both very beautiful names. I don't have the words but Very much thinking and praying for Ava and you xx

@Squiff70 I don't know what to say and have no words. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope little Ava continues to battle on. Life really is unfair sometimes. Please don't feel you need to update if you don't want to. Gosh this must be so hard for you x

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's comforting to know so many care.

Ava scared us yesterday. Her tummy turned very dark and doctors were concerned about a bowel problem such as a leak or perforation. They were in talks for nearly two hours with surgeons at another specialist facility across the country and were thinking of transferring her there in an emergency. Ava's daddy noticed a small patch on her tummy that was going back to the normal colour and they decided it might be nothing serious and decided not to transfer us at this time.

What the NHS is doing for our little girl - and everything they did for our little boy - it very humbling and it moves me to tears. Please vote carefully on the 12th December. The NHS is sacred.

Here's a pic of Ava yesterday. I have a better pic which I'll try to post later. I really hope it doesn't upset any of you. She really is a little fighter and we are totally besotted with her.

Ava about a week ago...

She really is precious Squiff. So beautiful and perfect. I really hope that she has so much luck and proper support to pull through this NICU journey. What a long road ahead. How are you? I hope you're managing to eat and sleep yourself?

I remember those NICU days, it's like living in some weird bubble and the NICU staff are amazing aren't they. Totally agree the NHS is sacred but it needs so much help. I try to remember that it is most likely lack of funding and resourcing that led to my son's team failing to spot his infection rather than negligence.

@Squiff70 I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve been through and the loss of Elliot. Life can be incredibly unfair. Ava is beautiful ❤️ and I’m so pleased to hear the scare yesterday didn’t lead to a transfer. We’re all here for you whenever you post, day or night. Sending love and hugs to you and your family. I hope she gets stronger each day and yesterday was the last scare. My vote will be hugely NHS driven Xxx

@Squiff70 Oh what a beautiful little fighter she is. I am still sending you all the positive energy, vibes, prayers and hugs your way and hope that Ava continues to grow and improve. I am so, so sorry for the loss of Elliot. I cannot imagine what you're going through but I am glad that the NHS are being so supportive. You are so strong and an amazing mummy. I hope that you're a lot better following the sepsis now and have recovered physically yourself. Massive penguin hugs. xxxxxxx

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Nearly there! Just today and tomorrow to get through! You can do it!

@TwittleBee Children are incredible at processing things in their own time and way. I am so glad that your DS met Roy and got to say goodbye to him. It must be difficult for you and @Bluebelltulip to have to help your DC come to terms with everything. I think you're both incredible.

@Notnowokay Well plan A is to have a c-section (Dr's orders), but the consultant has said they may let me labour naturally if Baby Girl comes early and everything is looking healthy and safe. So I have a lot of planning to do for any eventuality. I haven't started looking at the stuff the midwife suggested researching yet. There seems to be so many options and decisions to make!

@RedRobin7 I'm really sorry about the spotting. Try not to panic. Have you had any pain? Can you contact your EPU in your area or do you need to go through your GP/MW? Is your next scan booked for next week? Maybe they could see you early? Sounds like you need some reassurance so please contact the professionals.

@Dimblebimble I hope time doesn't drag too much before your 20-week scan. It's normal to have these dips with anxiety/lowness. I bet the 'pulse' you're feeling is actually the start of baby movements. The first movements I felt I thought were muscle twitches. They were very infrequent and not very strong and I wasn't sure if I was imagining it. It's still normal not to have felt anything yet at your gestation so just keep that as a mantra to hold on to whenever you're feeling worried about it.
I felt exactly the same when telling people about my pregnancy... I couldn't cope with people's optimism at all; it made me really nervous and low. I also opted to tell people about the miscarriages at the same time and I do think it helped. Hopefully people will be too polite to mention the bump at the work do... Although it people are drinking they might not be as thoughtful as they might otherwise be, so just have a plan of action prepared for if you do get comments. At least then you're not 'caught off guard'. Answers such as "yes I am pregnant actually, but I'd rather not talk about it yet as I've lost pregnancies before and want to wait a while longer".

@Kayjay2018 Everything is sounding really positive for you so far which is great. I'm glad you're getting regular monitoring and I really hope everything continues to go well.

Ladies; the third trimester is the trimester that just keeps on giving...

New symptom: piles.

I thought I'd get away without having haemorrhoids because I haven't had any constipation at all throughout the pregnancy, but I seem to have them anyway. Looking on Google it appears that they can just be caused by the hormones relaxing the blood vessels.

Any tips? I've never had them before.
It doesn't seem too bad at the moment, just a bit uncomfortable/itchy. But I'd rather get on top of it and have stuff I can do if it gets worse...

Oh @squiff she is amazing!! What a beautiful little girl and such an incredible fighter. She really is gorgeous 😍

Regarding the NHS - this is one of the primary factors in my voting decision. We desperately need to support the NHS, reverse privatisation, keep Trump away and ensure more funding. When my mum had cancer (twice) the care she received was impeccable and I worry to think where my family would be without our health service.

Ava is in amazing hands and I will continue to keep her and you in my thoughts xxxx

@Squiff70 oh goodness I'm so so so sorry to hear about Elliott! Heartbreaking news! Keeping my fingers crossed that little Ava pulls through, she is beautiful and so precious. No words will ever help or make things better but thinking of you and your family - I hope you have plenty of support around you and sending lots of love and hugs xxx

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I ended up working from home yesterday. DH came home as he always leaves before me. Said the platform was packed out and no sign of trains or knowing when the next one would be so I decided I couldn't deal with all that as I would have had to have changed trains at Woodford to go round the loop. Extra pushing, shoving, being ignored and possibly not being able to get a seat for over an hour was not something I was prepared to do, especially on top of a longer commute in. The central line can be so brutal. I got pushed and shoved on Monday on my way home and had to try protect bump from being hit. It's just horrible. I'm going to have to speak to my manager I think about using up annual leave to finish a little sooner than I planned. Glad you only have today and tomorrow left. Hopefully then you can pop your feet up and enjoy your time at home before baby arrives and also the Christmas prep. Hope today is a better day for you.

@KnitKitty glad things are looking good! Although sorry you're getting piles, sounds horrible.

@TwittleBee glad they may have found something that could be treated. Better to have an answer and a treatment than not know what's causing the symptoms. Although not the same situation as you've had with Roy I too feel those pangs of upset about my two lost babies that didn't have their first Christmas this year, first baby should be 11 months on Christmas day and second baby should be 5 months. It really hurts and I don't think people realise that I'm still grieving for those two. This should be the first Christmas I'm buying DH a "daddy" card from one of our babies but I'm not and buying them their first Christmas presents and having my family all excited about baby's first Christmas. It's so so hard. Sending you hugs!

@RedRobin7 so sorry you're having a scare with spotting. Really hope it's similar to what I had a couple of times in first trimester and everything will be fine. Have you contacted EPU?

@Beaglemum93 love the rainbow bump photo!

@Lozzak87 lovely scan photo!

@Rubyroost OMG that garage are disgraceful, do not use them again! Glad you're okay though and didn't have an accident because of them!

@Dimblebimble I have been feeling similar about telling people about this pregnancy. I'm so scared still of another loss plus people get excited but I'm still not feeling excited. Then they ask if it's my first and I say well technically will be first if comes along alive but actually is my third because of the 2 losses. I only tell them so they understand why I'm not as positive about the pregnancy as they would expect.

Sorry to everyone I've missed. It's been a crazy few days and I've missed a lot on this thread. I've just been so busy and I'm exhausted plus not sleeping very well. Thank you to all of you who answered my questions about PP bleeding and changing nappy bag. Very helpful and well I suppose good to know it varies person to person. Great advice shared too. I think in the new year I'm going to massively stock up on maternity pads. I still have a pack and a half from the mc's as found they were way better than regular pads for the heavier bleeding.

Am 29+1 today. Still can't really believe it. Am I really at this stage? Feeling quite emotional at the moment. Don't know if it's from hormones or lack of sleep. Also doesn't help that I am just so busy so there's little time to actually rest.

@KnitKitty get yourself some Anusol cream, I think its over the counter or your MW should at least be able to source it for you. I always suffer with piles in later pregnancy, blurgh! Was even worse post birth too (but think that was due to constipation).

@Kayjay2018 that all sounds promising then from that scan?

@RedRobin7 have you managed to call your MW regarding the spotting? Really hope all is okay, they do say darker blood tends to not be a worry. If it helps, Ive been spotting for 6 weeks now and it looks like it has just been a UTI and cervix issues (both manageable)

@InDreamland, may not be same situation but we share that loss all the same that is for. I feel the same for my MMC, I still grieve for her but feels like everyone has forgotten about her since Roy and especially so since Roy died. It is such a heartbreaking time of year - certainly doesnt feel like "the season to be jolly"

@KnitKitty I had piles really baldy in my DD pregnancy. So much so that I once had to leave work early as they were so painful! This pregnancy hasn’t been so bad but every now and then one can resurface! I second the Anusol cream. Also, even if you’re not constipated, eat plenty of fruit and fibre. If you get backed up it will be so much worse! I also used to sit with sandwich/freezer bag with ice on them which helped the pain!!! (Can’t believe I am sharing this!)

@InDreamland I have been so emotional lately. I am sure it is the hormones and anxiety and the lack of sleep/general tiredness of being pregnant. Plus all of the worry and hope we have pinned on these babies. It’s exhausting and draining. I will be 36 weeks on Saturday and I am glad I have decided to leave work now. The underground is horrible and I spend my whole journey worried and anxious, which leaves me tired and also contributes to me feeling so emotional. I have no idea how on those threads about ‘baby on board badges’ there are so many women who are all “Get a grip, its only pregnancy I was fine, I stood up until 39 weeks…” Honestly can’t believe they have ever travelled at rush hour because the whole thing is so stressful and shit.

How are you @RedRobin7? I have been thinking of you xxx

Another one who hates the optomistic comments and chat @Dimblebimble. It’s not even that they are optimistic, it’s that they just assume everything will be OK and I can’t get on board with that. Even so close to the end I am well aware of all that could go or be wrong and it just seems totally premature to be chatting happily about this perfect new baby…I still feel like it will jinx everything and would rather not talk about it too much.

Not long until we are out of work @Beaglemum93! Hope youre surviving better than me in your last few days.

How are you @MelPops? I’m going to be one of those annoying people who crop up near the end and ask “any signs yet”?!?!

Thanks for asking after me! I’m doing well due tomorrow!! Eeekkk!! Very uncomfortable but no issues to report. No inklings as yet but I promise to keep you all posted.
Glad you’ve not got to get the tube anymore I can’t imagine.
Currently sitting in Costa having a decaf latte with cream thinking about you all. I’m rather anxious but trying to keep it all in perspective. Love to all xxx