The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Twittlebee your love will expand for this baby. I've felt scared to let my self bond this time but getting there now. I feel differently about death since DD2 died, I don't see my death as a bad thing as I would be with her again but then I wouldn't be with DD1 or this baby. It feels completely wrong that I'm here but my child isn't.

@Beaglemum93 wow definitely getting close now. I saw my midwife today and now only have one appointment left with her, got a consultant one left as well.

@Frillyfarmer glad it wasn't more serious I hope you get your car sorted ok.

@sadtoday21 you don't need to rush to buy anything you still have time and provided the basics are covered that's all that matters. Do you have any friends that could lend you a car seat for the journey home?

@InDreamland I have a backpack changing bag which is great, I like having some pockets so I don't need to hunt for small things and it has a big compartment too which is great for flexibility. After both of my births I bleed heavily for a couple of days then got lighter over 2 weeks then stopped.

I had my 34 week midwife appointment today and everything is looking ok. Scarily I now only have one midwife and one consultant appointment left. I had another nightmare last night that this baby died too and then I didn't feel movement straight away this morning so started to panic but it did then wake up.

Hi everyone,
Absolutely unbelievable timing but started spotting a tiny bit of light pink just as I was beginning my journey over to the US.

I don’t feel as panicked as I could about it - no pain and baby is still moving around normally, and the spotting stopped after a few wipes. It was very light in colour and small in quantity.

I purchased pregnancy travel insurance specifically for this trip and it should cover me if anything happens but I hate the idea of trying to navigate the US health care system if that becomes necessary.

I’ll call the midwife helpline in the morning and in the meanwhile try to sort out where I’d need to go if they advise me to go in for a check.

Thanks for all the comments lovelies 😘 just glad I got his details and it's not lumbered on my insurance - just hope he doesn't try to argue he was somehow not in the wrong as my dash cam wasn't on!

@indreamland I had a few birth complications and so I had prolonged heavy bleeding for a few weeks but it was nothing that those maternity pads couldn't handle and I didn't leak at all - they really are colossally large compared to sanitary towels! My one tip would be to buy a waterproof mattress protector for when you're due/first few weeks post partum. They're not as comfy to sleep on but if you do have heavy PP bleeding, it's more comfortable than sleeping on towels etc for days on end!

I had an over the shoulder changing bag to begin with which I do sometimes use but it's cumbersome and if I'm out and about I tend to wear my backpack. I do find the millions of pockets/thermal bottle holder/changing mats which are usually included with the changing bags are very useful.

Morning ladies,

I haven't read through the thread from last week yet so apologies for a 'me' post.

It turned out that my OH had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease last week which made me panic slightly but I spoke to the midwife who said current NHS guidelines say that it's not too dangerous to get it in 3rd trimester; just that if I had it closer to giving birth I could pass on a mild version of it to baby. She said if I did get it, this gestation is probably the best time to get it, and I'd just have to treat the fever with paracetamol (lowest dose that works for as little time as possible) and drink plenty of fluids. She was very reassuring. Luckily I don't seem to have caught it. And it's now been over a week since OH came down with it (he's all better now), so I think I must be immune.

In other news I have my ECG this morning. Not expecting anything to show up as the palpitations aren't bad right now (they come and go a bit, but I'm less scared when I get them now). It'll be nice to have some confirmed peace of mind for that.

And I'm now 31 weeks! Woo! According the Tommy's that's another milestone reached in terms of premature baby survival rates so I feel good about that. (Doesn't look like she's ready to come out yet either, which is good!)

I had been feeling very pregnant and cumbersome, low energy levels and started with back ache a few days ago, but I had an appointment with my acupuncturist on Wednesday evening and I'm feeling loads better since then. Back ache gone and lots more energy and sleeping better. Hope that lasts for a while longer.

Cannot believe it's nearly December!!!

Right, now to catch up with all of you!

@InDreamland I had a very quick birth with minimal bleeding, but still bled for about 8 weeks pp. I would say the worst of it was the first week. If you plan on trying to bf as well, be prepared! It took me a bit by surprise. I knew it makes the uterus contract and that but didn't quite expect to feel gushes every time I did it. I was quite anxious about leaking but I never did. I didn't think those huge maternity pads with no wings?! Would keep the sides safe, but they totally did.
Regarding the bag, I totally overpacked and didn't realise how little space the ward would have. I don't know if it's the same elsewhere but in my hospital I had a bed, there was a chair squeezed to one side of it and a cot to the other side. You could often see elbows belonging to people in beds adjacent poking through the curtains. I would say just keep in mind that you're not going far from home, and if you end up staying more than expected someone can go and fetch things for you! I basically ended up staying in my nightie and only changed when it was time to go home. My dd I was too scared to dress and wanted skin to skin anyway so she only wore clothes when we went home 🙊

I think the bleeding really varies from person to person @InDreamland - its so unpredictable. For both time I only bled for 3 weeks, the first 3 days were the worst and after the first week it was only really like a light period. I usually have really heavy periods.

One thing I will say to everyone is to watch out for infections post birth. After both births I have suffered infections that developed into Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

@coconutlatte44 what a shit start to the US - glad you were sensible and got pregnancy specific insurance, let us know how you get on. Really hope you dont get anything else.

@KnitKitty hope she stays put for a while longer, 34 weeks the rates improve even more.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am not going to end my life, its just a thought about how it doesnt seem right that my babies up there havent got a parent whilst my son here has both. But I am trying to take comfort that hopefully my babies are there with my Great Nan and I know how much my toddler does need me.

Pains are still awful, cramping and lower back ache - its horrid. Still spotting with occasional bigger streak of red blood too. MW said they wont do anything now until my 12 week scan which is 2 weeks away.

Today also marks 5 months since Roy was born and is also a week before I had the ERPC to remove my MMC. tough time of year too isnt it, with all the festive stuff. Really thought I would be seeing this christmas and the new year with a baby - as I am sure we all did.

So I text my MW saying I am still getting these pains and bleeding and its been going on now for 5 weeks. She has said she isnt happy with it past 10 weeks so got a scan booked for Monday

Thanks @TwittleBee @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue @InDreamland @Beaglemum93 @Mistymeow @Frillyfarmer for all the very helpful advice on buying things and the carseat issue! My parents are getting it for us, so I think I'll just ask for the 3 in 1 to save us the headache later of not having a carseat should we need one for travel/taxis. Could have sworn my midwife said I could borrow one at the booking appt, but that does sound a bit odd. And unfortunately I don't have any friends with kids, so no chance of borrowing one! It seems by the time I rent one I might as well just buy it and try to sell later.

@Frillyfarmer you sound awesome! Good for you going after the guy and really glad you and your DS are ok.

@Mistymeow I haven't signed up for antenatal classes yet either, but also wondering how useful it will be. I am really clueless though about what to do later on, so maybe helpful? There is so much info on youtube/online these days though, and on MN of course! How are you feeling?

@TwittleBee sorry to hear about the bleeding, but really good they got you in sooner! Hope you are ok and that's its nothing to worry about.

@Rubyroost haha that's so odd they call it that, you aren't even old! At least you get some extra free monitoring though.

@InDreamland Can I just say that I'm really really glad you asked all those questions and please keep asking more? I had the same exact questions on both counts - was worried about visitors after birth and if I should only wear black pants, etc. What does one wear in birth? A hospital gown? What does one wear after? How bad is birth actually...? And on the diaper changing bag, I was also just going to use a side purse thing, but not sure if I need places for bottles, etc. I guess this is something I can always buy later on if needed. Thank you for asking these things, I feel the exact same way as you!

25+1 today. It took me more than half a day to do this, but I finally did it and bought the moses basket crib and rocking stand (64 + 24 pounds, respectively). And I splurged a little and also bought a silver cloud sheep bouncer on sale for 36 pounds. I don't know if bouncers are necessary (are they?), but it seemed like a useful thing to have downstairs for baby while I'm cooking or working, or possible for soothing baby...I really don't know. I looked up all the return policies because I am so cynical these days, could baby really actually use these things and be in my living room in March? It seems so hard to believe.

And I got a letter in the mail for an obstetrics appt with a consultant, but not sure exactly why - what do they do at these appointments, just talk to you? Was hoping for scan or some medical checks, but I know this is unlikely. Otherwise, had a busy day out at a social/networking event last night and got home late, so once again concerned about baby's movement (he has moved, to be clear, but I feel less sure about the patterns when I'm out and then I feel really guilty not to be paying close enough attention). It's just a constant worry, like I'm never really sure he is ok in there. Hence, my scan obsession I guess.

@sadtoday21 thanks for asking after me. To be honest I've found it tricky to keep up with this thread as work has been really busy and I've been working towards a big professional exam which is next week, so I don't feel like I've had the time or energy to keep up! I'm doing well thanks, 25+5 and feeling movements regularly now so I'm finding that quite reassuring. Bump size is what I am thinking/worrying about as the comments about me being small keep on rolling in. Not helped by the fact that the midwife refused to measure bump at 25 weeks - apparently the policy has changed locally to measuring from 28 weeks. Bit frustrating as it's recommend by NICE and RCOG to measure from 24 weeks but I couldn't really find it in me to argue about it. We are treating ourselves to a 4D scan at 27 weeks which includes a growth measurement so we'll see then how bubba is growing.

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious about buying things. The way I see it is that if anything were to happen to this baby I'd be completely broken, and I don't think having bought things for baby could make that heartbreak worse. Instead I'm trying to view it as a positive thing that I'm doing for baby and to prepare for her arrival, almost as if I am preparing for it, the better the chances of things being ok? No logic to it I know but I find it comforting to feel like that - buying things to prepare for baby is one area in this whole thing I can control whereas the rest of it is pretty much outside my control!

@Squiff70 thinking of you and the twins, another one who isn't at all religious but I am praying, hoping and wishing for your family

@TwittleBee hope your scan goes well, good luck
@coconutlatte44 hope the spotting stops, it must be bloody stressful when you're supposed to be on holiday.
@sadtoday21 no I referred to myself as that, I've heard people mention being referred to as that, but I'm not sure if it's folklore or actually true. I don't feel I have been treated as old by any health care professional ever. But it's regulations now I'm over 40 to have all the extra scans, funny as when I was 39 there was nothing extra.

Well done on your purchase, I hope you get good use out of it. I never used mine- I think I attempted to put baby in it about 4 times, but he always ended up lieing on bed with me instead. This time I'm going straight for big cot with a nice comfy clevamama memory foam mattress. This one will probably end up on my bed again for the first three months, but I'm praying for miracles and hope he might sleep in his cot. 🤞🙄 We got a rocking chair rather than a bouncer, it was essential for us in those early days to lull the little one to sleep. I'm not sure about bouncers as we never got one.

At some point I'm going to have to find all the bits for all the baby stuff we had and put it altogether etc. I'll think about that once I'm on mat leave I think.

Sorry for the quick selfish post but wanted to share my 20 week scan pic with you all, all. Very positive scan really lovely lady doing the scan, everything is in the right place with all the right amount of bits and pieces!! And she's 80% sure we are having a little girl 😊

Will catch up with all the posts tomorrow sending lots of love and positive thoughts to you all xxxx

@Frillyfarmer well done catching that guy! There's no way he didn't notice he hit you!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue when will you get your c section date? I'm actually not too uncomfortable, how are you doing?

I can't believe my baby was predicted to be 6lbs 15oz already! Makes me feel less bad about my 10lb weight gain.

Sorry about your nightmare @Bluebelltulip. I've had the same loads of times and it's just horrible :(

@coconutlatte44 sorry you've had spotting. Hopefully all is ok. Did you ring the midwife?

31 weeks is a great milestone @KnitKitty! Hope your ECG went well.

Sorry you're still having pains @Twittlebee. Good luck for your scan on Monday.

Great news about your 20 week scan @Lozzak87!

Thinking of you and your babies @Squiff70. Hope you're all doing ok.

I've caught up with the thread now.

@Squiff70 really shocked to read your update and cannot imagine having to go through all that. I really hope you and the babies are all okay. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs, cuddles, good vibes, positive energy and prayers. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

@Beaglemum93 Looks like a really healthy weight. (Both yours and the baby's) I'm sure I've put on about double that! More like 10kg than 10lbs, but I read that's normal and healthy too.

@Frillyfarmer What a w**ker!!! With hindsight you maybe shouldn't have gone after him, but I totally understand your reaction!!! I would have seen red too and it's hard to be logical in that kind of situation. And I'm very pleased to hear of the satisfying outcome. I'm glad you weren't hurt and that he got his comeuppance! Sorry you had to go through that though, sounds really scary!!!

@Lozzak87 Brilliant news on the scan and what a lovely picture! Welcome to Team Baby Girl! So exciting!

@TwittleBee I'm sorry things are still not going smoothly for you. I'm really glad you're getting seen again on Monday. Best of luck. xx

Sorry not to reply to everyone but thinking of you all and sending well wishes to all of you.

The ECG went fine yesterday, nothing abnormal looking, which was reassuring as I had a few palpitations while in the waiting area just before the appointment.
I have noticed the palpitations are worse when I've had less sleep or disturbed sleep and also the slightest bit of stress, so working hard on resting and staying zen.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. x

Just come back from a general check up... In the delivery suite which was weird but all okay so back home. Had a mw appt earlier in the week which showed protein in my urine so we're back on preeclampsia watch 🤦🏻‍♀️ Blood pressure and bloodworks are fine though so it's still better than when I had it with DD. I had a growth scan and consultant appointment already booked due to her so there's no faffing about on their side which is always good, so we'll see what that's like on Monday :) I had her at 32 weeks on the dot so anything passed Wednesday is good in my books

Sorry for being quite I did type part of this epic post few days ago and I keep on adding to. Maybe it will be better if I post things in bits.

@sadtoday21, I'm not buying things either till last minute. However, my youngest is 3rd so there are lot of hand me downs available for baby to use. I may also be planning on giving lot of ds3 stuff to baby and buy ds3 new things. For example there is a 0 till 4yr car seat in our car, I will let baby use that and buy ds3 new car seat in January sales and hide the old car seat for a while. The best time to buy is when you and your dh feel ready. I feel happy that dh has a similar view to me regarding this. He is happy with this plan.

@Rubyroost, I think it is normal to feel emotions for your fellow human. It made me feel sad to know my fellow human/woman/MNer is facing challenging times.

Hope you are well @Squiff70, feel free to share anything you may want to and we will listen.

@Twittlebee, hope you are feeling better now and good luck for your scan on Monday. It is normal to worry about how you would be able to love your next baby as much as you love your other children. As said before me loves multiplies. Love is complicated and can't be quantified. What used to help me during ds3 pregnancy was to ask myself do I love ds1 more than ds2? The love is different but it is very strong maternal love for both of them. Yes, then it is possible for my love to get bigger and accommodate extra love from God knows where and love my ds3 fercily as well. Ds3 love did arrive a bit late but I needed to give it time and sleep in order to feel the love. Sleep deprivation is bad and can hide feelings, which got me more down. But I knew if I waited then it would come so I waited. Not to mention pregnancy aftet a loss sometimes put a barrier around the heart to help protect itself, so it is harder to connect. Time will free the heart, but waiting is hard.

Did the thread from few weeks ago get to you? Not all children will feel like an replacement. I certainly didn't after my dm lost dsis whilst she was pregnant with me. I felt blessed and less scared of death. There was a relief to know someone I loved was on the other side (I may have as a young child imagined a particular personality for my dsis & how we would have been best freinds). The child you are carrying is Roy's younger brother. Did you betray your ds1 by having Roy? Or did you induce him to love and made him a proud older brother?
Ds1 still talks about ds2 but he loves having a brother in heaven (I try to religious and I thought my dc about my religion, which includes heaven and hell). He likes my description of heaven and he would like to go there one day and finally meet his brother.

@Beaglemum93, congratulations on getting an induction date and I hope it is a quick, efficient with no harm. I seen lots of women who loved their induction hope you enjoy it to. Or at least the high after giving birth.

@Frillyfarmer, woow you are brave, I'm another one who would have stayed in the car and cried.

@InDreamland, my bleeding after birth is just like a period but first three days are heavy instead of two heavy days. Afterwards it slows down and I bleed till the 6 weeks check up. At least I it is medium light and the last week there is very light bleeding.

@Bluebelltulip, congratulations on getting so far, only two appointments left. Sorry about the worry about baby movements, but I'm glad to hear it picked up.

@coconutlatte44, sorry to hear about the spotting but we'll done for the forward thinking and getting that travel insurance. Sometimes it is easy to not double check insurance on what they will cover. Hope you wouldn't need to use them.

@Lozzak87 congratulations on the beautiful scan picture and that you are carrying a girl.

On other news, this new hospital does not do 16 weeks midwife appointment and I was told if I want to be seen to go to my gp. At least the diabetes doctor there is excellent. He is very useful diabetes wise, but takes eye contact to serious and follows my head around when I try to blink away while talking to him. Dh attended with me last time and saw it to. We personally debated if he had someone complaing about him not giving enough eye contact and is now over doing it. He did the same with dh when he asked a question. Like I said above he is excellent with my diabetes and a bit of staring at a doctors eyes won't hurt, hopefully. Just make me feel wrong and forget what I wanted to say.

@UnicornsandRainbows1, sorry to hear that. Pre eclampsia is scary I hope it stays away for as long as possible. I'm glad they keeping a good eye on you

Hi everyone,
Well I had done my best to manage the anxiety and was hoping to wait til I got home to get checked but then this morning his movements were much gentler than usual and wouldn’t pick up so eventually decided to go in to the hospital.

As soon as they hooked up the belt to monitor his heart beat he started kicking harder and they’ve said everything looks perfect.

I am relieved but also feel quite sensitive and emotional about everything at the minute as a result of the scare. My husband is super supportive generally but kept trying to reassure me that everything was ok when actually what I needed was someone to reassure me that it was ok for me to go in and get checked out. It’s also thrown a wrench into my whole family’s schedule and I might now miss seeing a bunch of people I had hoped to see tomorrow/spending enough time with my siblings.
Also not looking forward to calling the insurance company in a few minutes.

I know I should really only feel relief but I’m feeling really crappy now in the aftermath of it all. I know it was the right thing to do as I wouldn’t be able to relax while worrying something was going wrong, but now feeling a whole mix of guilt, frustration, conflicting feelings... blah.

It is typical that as soon as you decide to go, they start kicking! Happened with my last one. He'd be super quiet for hours and hours.. Sometimes absolutely nothing from 9 til 9! This one however, is always on the move so I'm hoping I'll get less scares with this one. I think it's normal to still get gentle movements and then for them to get stronger again. Mine has been quite gentle all week and then going nuts on the weekend. I'm 24 weeks, but you're right it's just not worth the risk and if you feel something isn't quite right... Plus the spotting must have been worrying you, you did the right thing. Hope you manage to catch up with everyone still. X

@coconutlatte44, you are allowed to feel what ever you feel. It did cause an inconvenience but the reassurance was worth it. Especially combined with the spotting. I'm sure your family/ freinds would understand the cancelation. I certainly would not feel angry someone went to hospital instead of visiting me. In fact I would be more offended if they came to me while worried about my nephew/ niece instead of getting checked out. I hope you spoke to nice person when making the claim.

Insulin resistance has arrived here the day after seeing the consultant. Very useful timing right. I guess I will keep on testing my sugar and start to play with my insulin from now, whilst drinking extra water. Or is it one off thoes random days sugar wants to be high. I'm going to email my diabetic nurse to ask for advice but not expect a reply till Monday. She works 9 till 5.

I was looking in the mirror and realised a rainbow was on my bump, good sign do you think?

Yes @Beaglemum93 !! ❤️

So it's 2am and I've just spent the last 20mins vomiting up my guts. 😫😫
Feeling absolutely rubbish. The past three days I have been sick in the morning but it has been triggered by something... Cleaning my teeth is normally what does it, Friday morning it was the smell of my deodorant, but tonight I was asleep and woke up all of a sudden then had to run to the bathroom. Anyone ever experienced a return of the sickness? I was sick in my first trimester a handful of times but very nauseous all the time. Or have I simply got a tummy bug?
Feeling so drained and to be gross it was the worst vomiting experience I've ever had (not that there has ever been a pleasant vomiting experience 😂) and it has burnt my mouth and throat so much, I'm due to see the midwife today to get my BP and urine checked so will see what she says.
Sorry for the middle of the night post....am just feeling very fragile right now and my partner is snoring away next to me.. Lucky bugger 😂😂 lots of love to you all, have a good Monday xxxx

Morning all, I really do find it hard keeping up over the weekends (not sure what that says about my workload)

@sadtoday21 well done to making those purchases, I really do hope so much that you'll be using them next year.

@Lozzak87 what a lovely scan picture! And a little girl potentially too! That has to balance this group out a bit I think? Feels boy heavy in here lately!

@Beaglemum93 that is a brilliant baby weight prediction and a 10lb for you really isnt much at all if you take into consideration fluid, uterus & boob growth etc!

Relieved that the ECG was all okay @KnitKitty for you and I guess it is good you have noticed what makes your palpitations worse for you - hope you can somehow get more chilled.

Sounds like they are really on it @UnicornsandRainbows1 but here it making it past Wednesday! Keeping my FX for you

Thank you @Notnowokay - that really did help. Also hope you got in contact with your diabetic nurse, diabetes terrifies me and seems so confusing to manage

@coconutlatte44 sorry you went through that stress. You did the right thing, of course you are going to feel anxious and I believe it is always best to get checked. Good luck with the insurance phonecalls

oh @Lozzak87 return of sickness is grim, I had that with my first! Came back out of nowhere it felt like too! Keep an eye on your temperature and keep hydrated too incase it is a bug.

So back from my scan now. Baby is looking good, wriggling away. But they found stuff in my urine so its being sent off as they think maybe I have a UTI which is causing the backpain and potentially bleeding too. But then they said my cervix was also suspect so they want me to have that checked out as well.

@Lozzak87 my sickness has never completely disappeared in my pregnancies and takes me by surprise in 2nd and 3rd trimesters. I hope it's not a bug but also hope it doesn't wake you up like that again.

@Coconutlatte44 glad everything is ok, you did the right thing getting checked.

@Beaglemum93 lovely photo.

@Twittlebee great news about scan, hope if it is a UTI it clears soon. Good that they are investigating your cervix too.

Went to visit family at the weekend as it's too close to due date to go that far at Christmas, tired now.