The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Squiff70 so pleased to hear she is still making progress, have been thinking about you a lot.

@TwittleBee glad to hear little one is still holding his/her own in there. Hoping your anxiety provoking symptoms give you a break soon!

@TwittleBee Oops, I guess just “his” own, didn’t realise you had said DS!

Quick one from me... sorry I'm being crap lately...

@Squiff70 so pleased to hear from you and see gorgeous little Ava! What a beautiful, amazing little fighter. I will keep sending you both love and positivity xxx

@TwittleBee - fucking yesssss!!!! So relieved for you but also how awful to have no answers and all this worry. Please look after yourself and make sure you get to rest. You're anxiety must be through the roof.

Speaking of stressed and anxious... I just had my 36 week consultant appointment to get the date for my c section. It was horrendous. I'm not going to say too much now as I am exhausted and tearful. Suffice to say I cried a lot and had to really fight them as they were trying to make me go right up to my due date. It was a horribly stressful hour and I was very upset and don't think I behaved too well (at one point I banged the table and shouted at them that they were "taking away my fucking choice") so I'm a bit ashamed. After having to call in a senior doctor I'm booked in for the 30th December. Don't even feel excited, just sad and stressed out and tired. Also now worried that something will go wrong and everyone will 'blame me' for pushing to have this operation.

@Rubyroost yep, 29+6 today. The stats for me aren't high enough for me to not totally panic and melt down at this stage. Tommy's say chances of survival at 31 weeks gestation is 95% and at 34 weeks is like full term but on NHS Start for life 37 weeks is considered full term so I really don't want Bubsy making any appearance for at least another 7 weeks from tomorrow. Must say I'm always in awe at how positive you are here. Strong lady!

@Squiff70 awwww thank you for popping on and sharing the update and adorable photo. So so pleased Ava is still fighting. Hope you don't mind (if you're not religious) but I did say a little prayer for her at Sunday mass yesterday.

@Kayjay2018 thanks, I use that too and it is good but not as effective aa my usual cold remedies which none of us here are allowed to take at the moment. Oh joy. Glad bump is growing nicely. Fx for everything to be well on Wednesday.

@TwittleBee yes!!!!! So pleased he is all okay in there. You have a little fighter. Just sorry though that you don't have any answer for the bleeding. Make sure you get plenty of rest and put your feet up. Do zero physical stuff and no stress! His photo is so cute!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue sending you lots of hugs! That experience sounds awful like they were really unsupportive and not allowing you to have the choice you're entitled to. Were they trying to force a VBAC by pushing it to the due date? I didn't think that was allowed if you've already made the decision for c-sec especially based on previous experience.

I've struggled again today with tiredness. Thankfully my manager is trying to get me to WFH more to help so she is really supportive which I'm grateful for. Just hope my request to take annual leave immediately before maternity leave starts is approved. I really don't know how I'll cope otherwise if I'm feeling like this now. Reckon at this rate 36 weeks will be my limit with the commute etc. I just need sleep. Feel like even Christmas right now is forever away.

@Indreamland I'm afraid my womb has a habit of hanging on to things when it's not supposed to, so I guess I'm not too worried about premature birth. I have however looked it up so I'm not 100% confident. I guess the 95% may include other risk factors eg. I know sometimes women go into early labour due to infection and it's the babies way of surviving by coming out rather than staying in womb.

Oh @twittlebee lovely update. Please take advice and do rest. What a worrying time for you x

@InDreamland I think I did all my worrying in my first successful pregnancy so even though there were more issues the pregnancy before this one, I am strangely calm. I don't know if I'm in denial or what, I think my worry may come when baby arrives eg. Wondering if he is healthy and waiting for those initial tests to be done in the hospital. Still a bit worried about its rather large head, but we will see how that goes at my 28 week scan.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue don't be ashamed, I'm afraid you do literally have to shout loud or else you won't get heard. That's how I have felt with my experience of birth and also choices relating to miscarriage and termination.
And sounds like the shouting worked. I wish I'd shouted louder about c section and refused that God awful induction that I knew would fail.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I was just reading the research on c sections after a c section and the risk is so much lower. I'll see if I can find the article and post later, it may make you feel better about your choice x

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue we have so much in common and I learn more about what we have in common as the thread goes on... Including piles

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Here you go, it's nit exactly the same article as I was reading yesterday, but it's the nhs explanation of the study. www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/planned-caesareans-safer-women-past-history-caesarean-sections/

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue sorry you had such a bad appointment, I'm glad the senior doctor did listen. That must have been very stressful.

@InDreamland it's good you have a supportive manager and yay to your leave being approved.

My scan didn't go as well as hoped. Growth and blood flow have dropped so being rescanned on Friday. Also consultant now plans to induce by 38 weeks and will be earlier depending on how scans go.

Sorry to hear that @Bluebelltulip that must be very worrying. I guess they're keeping an eye on you then and will induce earlier if necessary?

Thank you @Rubyroost, yes I've got to keep a close eye on movements and timescale for induction should be decided on Friday maximum of 2.5 weeks time. Feeling very worried and scans every few days feels very similar to DD2 especially as the Christmas decorations are up in the hospital the same as last year.

@Rubyroost I guess we'll all have loads of worry at some stage. Just hope that after everything we've all been through our babies will be healthy.

@Bluebelltulip goodness how worrying for you. Glad you're being closely monitored now though so any intervention to make sure baby arrives safely can be carried out. Keeping fx for you that all goes well. It must be so horribly hard for you. Thanks, my leave hasn't been approved yet but hoping it will be.

30 weeks today and I'm really struggling. Just so knackered. Got woken up in middle of night with really painful leg cramp and it's still sore now. Oh the joys of pregnancy. Running so late for work now but I just couldn't manage to get myself sorted any quicker this morning. All I want to do is curl up on the sofa and sleep.

@Bluebelltulip what a shitty time for you, I guess they'll act quickly if things change and there's no evidence of heart issues this time at least. It's really bloody bad luck for you though isnt it and I appreciate its bringing back loads of awful memories. So sorry x

@Indreamland I've been feeling like curling up in a ball and sleeping for about 6 weeks now. Don't know what is wrong with me. In second tri last time I was one of those glowing earth mothers with shiny hair and flawless skin. 😂
This time I'm permanently knackered and struggling to get out of bed. I'm having weird dreams all night, they're so action packed I don't feel like I've slept. Apparently hormones can give you weird dreams. I think that's the reason why I'm so tired as I get no deep sleep. I'm starting to wonder if this active baby is keeping me in shallow sheep as its permanently wriggling. I know it sounds ungrateful now, but I'm wishing it would rest. Its non stop, I've actually looked up if this is normal and there's nothing to say it's a bad sign. My last baby would stop moving about midnight and wake at about 9.30 and start wriggling. Sometimes he'd go all day without moving (and give me scares) Shows every pregnancy is different. My toddler still sleeps in til 9.30 now 😂

How's everyone finding the weeing? My getting up 3/4 times a night stopped about 11 weeks and then came back about 22/23 weeks. Is anyone finding the same?

Sorry to hear your news @Bluebelltulip. It must be incredibly worrying, especially with the similarities to last year. The good news is they are monitoring you and taking action. We are all here if you need to let your anxieties out. I hope Friday comes around quickly and that you soon have a plan in placexxx

Thanks @Rubyroost. Those stats did actually make me feel better, although I think I'm in a bit of an anxious spiral right now. I keep worrying that I will die and what it would do to my daughter. I think I'm just exhausted and emotional now and it's all become too much.

I am sure the hospital wanted to leave it as long as possible to encourage a VBAC. I got angry because they told me it was Christmas and so they had no spaces left! I am a big supporter of the nhs and I know they are underfunded and under staffed, but that really annoyed me! They have known since booking in I wanted another section and they left it until 36 weeks, assuring me it was hospital policy, only to then tell me they don't have space! She also told me that if anything happened earlier than the due date they would just do an EMCS, so exactly the situation I wanted to avoid after last time and, as my DH pointed out, an even bigger drain on their staff and resources than having it planned. They also kept trying to tell me that baby wouldn't be developed enough - the same team who have told me for the past six weeks my baby is measuring huge!! I am actually cringing at my outburst today but I felt like I was being forced into a corner and really, my anger was just out of anxiety and upset. I do not want a repeat birth experience like last time. After that and the ectopic I also need to feel I have some control over my body and the situation. It felt like (yet again) no one was taking me seriously and my choice was being disregarded so I panicked.

Undeveloped at 39 weeks they really try and push for a vbac don't they, not really sure why they're so adamant as like you say a failed vbac and a ecs is very costly. I spent 6 nights in hospital last time after a long induction process and then two nights getting baby to latch after having so much drugs!

I'm sure when I get closer to c section I'll be worrying too about possibility of bleeding and dying etc. I'm sure it's normal, you'll get over your anxiety I'm sure. I was so happy when I was having ecs just for the pain to stop and the end to be near that I didn't really have time to think about the possibilities, whereas I guess when it's planned you go over more stuff in your head.

The chances of you dying are extremely low and I guess you know that, esp with a calm and planned c section.

My post yesterday didn't post.

@Twittlebee, congratulations and I hope these anxiety inducing events stops for you asap.

@Squiff70, Ava is very cute and I'm very happy for you that she is fighter.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, don't feel guilty for advocating for yourself and your baby. It is normal to worry about c-section especially if you been given lots of time for anxiety to take over. My "emergency" c-section was a lot more calmer than my elective c-section. Why? Because I was to exhausted to worry about it my first time and the second time I was already worried about ds3 and then few days whilst waiting for the steroids and one extra day to stablise my blood sugar as the steroids made them high. So I had time to worry about it. People like me having it booked last minute to manage anxiety. It seems less real until there is a date.

@Bluebelltulip, sorry to hear that. Hope you find reassure in your doctors and the monitoring.

@Rubyroost, I get really vivid dreams. But they not exciting at all. Just boring cleaning and budgeting. Of all the things to dream about. Only to realise I actually need to do it all over again. Maybe I'm carrying a child who loves cleanliness this time. I need another child who appreciate order and cleanliness. Ds3 is a very messy child and always have been. It took me a long time to teach/ trust him that he has eaten enough food when eating by himself.

I'm so sorry you had to shout for them to listen to you @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue it's totally unfair that you had to go through that. Also that's not fair to make you wait until 36 weeks to discuss c section. I had first appointment at 12 weeks and second at 20 where they booked it. And it's my first c section (after instrumental delivery with first baby done against my wishes and without my consent, I will never consent to vaginal birth.

I hope that now its booked you can get back control of the situation and have a positive birth experience.

I'm so behind as been away and then DD has been poorly so need to catch up on the thread xxx

Afternoon all, pretty blustery and chilly day here!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue oh that sounds awful! Why do women get such a difficult time over what they want? Do not feel ashamed for having to get like that, those medical people should be the ones feeling shame.

@InDreamland 36 weeks is a good time to call it - that is when I left for mat leave with DS1 as I just found it so difficult commuting. Your manager sounds reasonable, hopefully that leave gets approved.

oh @Bluebelltulip what an awful worry! Do you feel confident in your medical team (at least?). I am so sorry how similar this feels to DD2 too, what a awfully hard time.

@Rubyroost and @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I know they try to avoid sections pre 39 weeks because there is a 15% chance of respiratory morbidity and other risks; also 37 weeks is "early term" and 39 weeks is "full term" - I am stressing about this so much because the risks of sections pre 39 weeks is significantly higher to baby than VBAC but my consulting team want me to have a section (even if I start labouring pre 39 weeks) because of the significant increased risk to me trying for a VBAC (it will only be 11 months since my last section). So i dont know if that is what was meant by underdeveloped at 39 weeks? Also DS1 wasnt quite fully cooked at 37 weeks, he had health issues when born (vaginally).

Hope your DD is feeling much better now @ChikiTIKI ?

Thank you @InDreamland, @RubyRoost, @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, @Notnowokay and @Twittlebee.
I do feel confident in the medical team but still terrified of this baby dying too, they did everything that they could for DD2 and keeping a close eye this time. I've found looking after DD1 very demanding today, looking forward to her being in nursery the next 2 days so I can rest.

@InDreamland sorry I must have miss read your post.

Is your DD now better? @ChikTIKI

Just had a phone call from a consultant at my hospital to tell me my "request for a very section has been accepted"!!!!!! WTF?! So actually the date they gave me wasn't even set in stone! Know that it's good news that I've got that date but what if she had called to say the request wasn't accepted? They've basically lied to me again. BASTARDS.

Request for a c section. Stupid phone and angry typing don't mix!!!

She is almost back to normal @Bluebelltulip thanks for asking 😊 I feel awful today so not going to win mum of the year award for today's activities 😂 I feel chuffed though as I've introduced her to Wallace and gromit and she loves it!! Hope you get some good rest while your DD is at nursery.

@myheartisbroke that's a weird phone call... Maybe they were trying to be reassuring or to make it look in your notes like they are being that way...