The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@TwittleBee bananas are my food hell unfortunately lol.

If it makes you feel any better I eat bananas and still get leg cramps... 😭

@TwittleBee, I do have fb that hasn't been updated in nearly a decade. I just checked that group and I'm not comfortable with sharing as much information they request before becoming a member. I don't know why, but I don't trust fb with my information. But with WhatsApp who owns all the photos we send using them I have no problem with. It is just one of my crazy quirks.

Good luck with your scan today.

@KnitKitty thank you for that guess. I would love to be a mother to a girl. After three wonderful son's it would be nice to have a girl. Especially, since I'm not planning more than three children.

@KnitKitty, me too. All bananas do for me is use up my carb allowance. But I eat them as I enjoy eating them.

Urgh. Just had my growth scan. During the scan the consultant said everything looked fine; placenta working well etc... And said she'd see me for my next scan in 4 weeks. Then I had to wait for a bit while she did the report. She came back to me and said she'd looked at it seems like baby's growth has slowed down a bit and she now wants to see me in 2 weeks.
Feeling really emotional and worried now.

@Knitkitty it's probably a slight drop in centile that they didn't realise until doing your report so they just want to see you in 2 weeks incase. Doesn't mean that there is a problem but checking you again sooner is better incase there is.

I'm glad your scan went well @Notnowokay. I would guess girl too.

@Rubyroost I've been having Braxton Hicks for ages now. They're unpleasant but don't worry me anymore, I figure that if they're not painful it's not the real thing haha. Sorry someone said something that made you anxious.

@KnitKitty it's good news that everything is looking fine. I had a 20% drop in centile from 28 weeks to 32 weeks and the consultant isn't concerned. The measurements are so inaccurate and often depends on the sonographer. They also tend to have growth spurts so it might be that last time was after one and this one was before. I'm now worried that I've been left for 4 weeks after that...

Hi all. I feel like I have missed loads so apologies in advance for not replying to everyone!

@KnitKitty I will tell you not to worry but I know that's futile! I also worried before my growth scan a few weeks ago when my bump was measuring big. I think the main thing to remember was that if something was seriously wrong they would be seeing you sooner or booking an appointment with a specialist etc. Growth scans are very common. Try and look at it as a positive in that you get to see your baby again xxx

Good shout on taking a pump @Rubyroost. I bf DD until she was gone 2 after my section but its a great idea in case of any issues and will help me feel more prepared.

Thinking of you today @TwittleBee. I hope your scan went well.

There seems to be no reason behind bump sizes @strawberrye. I am honestly huge compared to a couple of my pregnant friends (both of whom are weeks ahead of me). It really does vary person to person.

The GTT is fine @InDreamland. It’s not pleasant but it’s more from feeling hungry than the drink actually being that bad. I have had two this pregnancy and second taking something to eat with you! I was starving when I came out! Also well done on taking the plunge to buy stuff!

Great news on the scan @Notnowokay! I am rubbish at guessing the sex so won’t even attempt!

I am feeling super emotional the past few days. I had a horrible playdate at my house with someone I have known since DD pregnancy and her son on Friday. Her son was very aggressive and physically hurt DD a number of times. I don’t blame him, he is 3. But she said NOTHING each time. In the end DD was so upset and also had a cut under her eye so I had to say “In this house we don’t hit. Hitting is not kind.” I am staggered that she just kept letting it happen, especially when DD was so upset, and I feel like I let DD down by not speaking up sooner. I don’t feel comfortable disciplining someone else’s child but I also don’t want my DD to get hurt and feel frightened, but it’s clear we have totally different parenting values so I now feel I can’t meet up with them again. So that made me cry lots on Friday and is still playing on my mind.

I am also having a major wobble about actually having a baby. I am worrying that something will be wrong with the baby physically or health wise or that something will go wrong in my section/birth. I am worrying about how DD will cope, worrying about whether I will love this baby as much as her and generally worrying about how I will manage. All in all I feel super tired and tearful. I might have to call in sick as think a day resting in bed would really help right now!

@KnitKitty how many weeks are you now? Is there any reason you'll be having growth scans. My friend had these every two weeks. Baby was apparently slipping down percentiles until legs were in the 2nd percentile. They kept mentioning downs to her. NHS test had been 1 in 80 but nipt low risk. They then told her at about 34 weeks she'd need to have induction or c section earlier. She refused. Braver than me, I have to admit. Baby was born very healthy with little legs. 😂

@KnitKitty sorry to recount an example that does not necessarily apply to you. I hope its just nothing and they're just being vigilant, likelihood that is the case. I totally understand your worry though and no account of other peoples stories will help, but I've red quite a few people on mumsnet who had to have extra growth scans etc and baby was fine.
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I totally understand your fears. I have to say I've been pretty relaxed of late, but there's a niggling worry there that there might be something wrong with baby, as it just seems too good to be true after all these losses. But I've had one healthy baby, yeah almost two years ago now I know. But I guess there's no reason why it shouldnt happen again.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue that sounds horrendous, fancy not pulling him up on it. We went out the other day to a play place and a little boy significantly younger than mine, gave him a little push. My 22 month just looked at him and walked on, think he was confused. 😂
The first time he has been pushed. Luckily he is such a gentle and loving boy I don't think he'll try that even when he's three, but if he does, hell be knowing about it!

I do have a friend though and her boy is a bit of a nightmare, I just try to reduce the amount I see her with him, its sad I know.

I guess soon I'll have no control over things like that as he'll be going to nursery and being exposed to all sorts of behaviour, but while I can keep him gentle and innocent I will.

Thank you @Bluebelltulip, @Beaglemum93, @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, and @Rubyroost. I've calmed down a lot now. My OH left me a lovely voice message at lunch time which calmed me down and said he would be giving me big cuddles this evening (I've had one of them already). And my colleagues were really lovely and reassuring.
Your mind just automatically goes to worst-case-scenario, doesn't it?

@Beaglemum, it's really reassuring to know that you had a drop too. The consultant obviously isn't worried about it. I think mine is only keeping such a close eye with me already being a high-risk for premature.

@Rubyroost I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow. I've been getting growth scans from 24 weeks because of complicated gynae history... I have a deformed womb and scarring from previous operations so I'm high risk for premature labour. I had been having them every 4 weeks but now it's every 2.

The consultant was really pleased that I've got to 30 weeks though. Also I had no sugar in my urine today so that's a relief.

I was also told today that if I do go into premature labour they will assess the situation. If Baby is really low down and both of us look healthy they will let me try to labour her out. If they have any concerns it would be an emergency c-section. But Plan A is still having a planned c-section at 38ish weeks.
I guess I should prepare myself for labour just in case. Wondering if I should sort out a birth plan and stuff now...

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue Sorry you're feeling wobbly at the moment. It sounds like pretty normal fears and emotions. I think if you can take a day to get some rest that would be an excellent idea.
And I hate it when parents don't discipline their children!! I think you did the right thing, but yes it's a super awkward situation!

@KnitKitty - sorry you're feeling worried about the latest scan, hopefully your fears will subside over the coming days as you keep feeling movements and get closer to due date.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - one of my biggest fears about having a kid is having to negotiate situations like this. As a teacher, I find poor parenting really stressful to be around. Not saying I'm going to be anywhere near perfect, but I feel super anxious when parents around me aren't stepping in (or are stepping in inappropriately) in situations like this, even without the other child being mine! We babysat the other weekend and took the child we were looking after to the playground, and my anxiety shot right up...I will need to do some work around it to prepare myself.

I had my 31 week midwife appointment today and things seem to be good. I haven't had a GTT test to my knowledge, is this something they only do over here if they are concerned? I believe in the US it's common practice, didn't realise it wasn't standard here.

9-ish weeks to go...I feel mentally prepared but still haven't really bought much...we are in such a small space that anything we get now will just be sitting around taking up space for an extra few months. If baby comes early we will just have to deal, I guess. I do need to make myself a list of what I actually need for the first couple of weeks.

@Coconutlatte44 GTT is only done if you have a risk factor or symptoms so not everyone has it.

@Knitkitty sounds like you have a lovely DH and colleagues.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue parents that don't even try to stop or correct behaviour like that really irritate me. All children will do things wrong and need to learn but they can't learn if their parent doesn't teach them.

I'm feeling quite stressed and anxious atm. DD1 has also been in an uncooperative mood today which has been frustrating.

@KnitKitty yes, I remember now. Sorry you've said so many times! Well 30 weeks, sounds like you're in the safe zone and you're being monitored and looked after. Wow! Soon this thread will be full of baby pictures!

Oh gosh @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGluedefinitely I completely feel you on both counts. I have a friend with a DS six months younger than my DS, but physically at the same height/weight. He's in nursery full time which I think contributes to how aggressive he is but it boils my piss that she never reprimands him at all when he hits/bites/pushes. I've actually started distancing myself from her as my little boy is so kind and plays so nicely, I don't want him to be put off at all.

I've also had the wobbles - how will I do bedtime, will my DS struggle with the change, the special bedtime routine we have now will be ruined, how can I love anyone as much as I love my little boy. But then I remember back to being pregnant with DS and being genuinely distraught about not being able to love my unborn as much as our dogs, and now looking back I LOL it even crossed my mind.

@indreamland why are you having a GTT? I have had multiple because of my risk due to previous GD - apparently it's not suffice to just check for sugar. But unless there is a specific risk they may be happy to test your urine at your appointments. They don't like repeating the GTT if they don't have to.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - I have no clue how your friend said nothing. My DS is the one who often lashes out randomly and fights (he aways picks on larger kids as a way to assert dominance it seems) and I bloody hate it, its so horrible to see and I always tell DS off and ensure he apologies afterwards. If it continues and he isnt understanding what he is doing wrong then I remove him entirely from that situation, even if that means I have to leave somewhere I want to be.

I understand you on the wobble front too. I keep thinking what if I am destined to kill this baby too or what if I die and leave my toddler without a mum. I was so ill with sepsis with him and now I am also risking uterine rupture considering how (stupidly) close this birth will be from my last section.

@KnitKitty ah that is a relief regarding the sugar in urine being absent! And YES get your birth stuff packed already! Once i hit 16 weeks, I'll be packing mine as I figured I might need a stay in hopsital if anything happens so at least I have my bags there to grab.

@coconutlatte44 if they spot sugar in your urine then I believe they test you then along with if you have risk factors or suddenly start showing symptoms of it.

@Frillyfarmer is there anyway you could start making adjustments to that bedtime routine? For my friend, her little boy helps put his baby sister to bed before he goes to bed (granted their baby is clearly a dream!) and my sister does their bedtime routines together and then carries the baby out.

Scan went well I guess! Very well to see baby looking healthy and a good heartbeat and right size etc. But not so good that the sac is measuring small and I'm bleeding still, can see the bleed on the scan. It's so small and they said it's common. But we were told we arent safe, I need to monitor my bleeding and if gets worse then head back in. Next scan in 3 weeks.

@coconutlatte44 I gathered from watching Youtube videos that it's standard practice to test for GD in the US... It's only done if you have a risk factor or are showing signs of it here.
I'm the opposite... I've bought all the essentials but I don't feel mentally prepared!

@Bluebelltulip Hugs! Try to find some relaxing and distracting things to do. xxx

@Rubyroost Don't worry, it's really hard to keep track of everyone and their situations!
It does look like we're coming up to birthday season now... I think I remember counting an average of about 6 due dates per month starting from December on the roll call...

@TwittleBee I understand and share the death worries too. I think it's natural to worry about it, and given our various tragic histories it's even more understandable. But just wanted to pick you up on your wording... YOU didn't kill your baby. Please don't blame yourself. Hugs xxx
I'm really glad baby is looking healthy (love the scan picture!) but I'm sorry that news has been tainted with knowing that you still have a bleed that you need to monitor.
I have a guilty pleasure for watching Vlogs on Youtube. One of the mums I watch had a really tricky 1st trimester and lots of bleeds pretty much every time she walked anywhere, even shopping for food. But by her 12-week scan it cleared up and she now has a healthy 7-month-old girl. I really hope your bleed reabsorbs and stops bothering you.

@coconutlatte44 they only do GTT if you have risk factors or symptoms over here. I only had it because the baby was measuring big but was told both times they didn't think I had GD because I would've had other symptoms before it affected the babies size.

Great news that your baby is still looking healthy @TwittleBee. Sorry you're still having bleeding. At least they're monitoring you well.

@KnitKitty thanks, slightly better lol. I just really hate bananas, smell and taste is just bleugh! The leg cramps are so painful aren't they. I can't really give advice on what you're worried about as I just have no experience or knowledge to share but really hope it's just a good thing that you're being well monitored and everything will be okay. That's so fab you're 30 weeks! That's my next milestone. It just sounds like being in that final stage being in the 30's weeks.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I have food with me for as soon as I'm allowed to eat. You did the right thing saying something in the end but I do think it's very disappointing that she didn't say something immediately herself. I think I would feel the same way as you. Sorry you're worried about DD and loving baby as much. I am sure that once baby is here everything will fall beautifully into place and you're going to be an amazing mum to both as well as you all being an amazing happy family together.

@coconutlatte44 you're so close to meeting baby now! So exciting. I'm really looking forward to more rainbows on this thread and we're due a few next month and January. I read that baby doesn't need loads of stuff in their first few months, found some helpful lists online which made me feel better that we've not actually bought anything at all yet .........car seat is the first thing to buy for us.

@Frillyfarmer sorry you're having a wobble too. Like I said to myheart I'm sure everything will come together amazingly well once baby arrives but I think it's natural to feel worried about everything working out. I'm having the GTT because I'm in one of the risk factor groups .........am Asian, so automatically get one.

@TwittleBee echoing everything KnitKitty said there. You did not kill your baby! Please please please don't believe you did. Totally understand though the thinking, I blamed myself for my two losses (as I think many mums who lost babies have), it's natural to think that way but it's not true! Things are still so raw for you, hopefully over time you will believe and not blame yourself anymore. Sorry you had mixed results from your scan, lovely to see baby but really hope the bleeding stops soon.

So I've had first set of bloods taken and had the sugary drink over half an hour ago. Think the drink made baby move, lots of kicking after having it ............ next bloods at 11:25am. I hate having blood taken. Actually I hate anything medical. I've also booked the NHS one day intensive antenatal and infant feeding class for middle of next month. Conveniently on a Saturday all day and very cheap too compared to NCT or equivalent groups. Was only £100. I'm now nervous about something going wrong before the class when I'll be 30 weeks.

Thanks everyone for letting me sound off about the playdate! I find it really hard to let things go and tend to overthink things, so I keep replaying it all. It really upset me because I was so shocked at the fact she did bugger all to stop or reprimand him. My DD is in nursery two days a week, so I am sure she gets into scrapes, (I am also well aware that she is no angel and can sometimes be a stroppy little mare!) but it happened so many times and the mum just sat there. At one point he was twisting DD’s arm and she was crying. I reached out and grabbed her and the mum said “I think it’s best to not step in and let them sort things out themselves!” That’s when I told him off! Clearly I have lots to learn as a mum and this is just another of those lessons!

Regarding fears, bedtime is definitely one of mine @frillyfarmer. My DH doesn’t get home until 7.30 most nights so I do bedtime alone. DD is an early riser, no matter what time she goes to sleep, so she is done with the day by 7pm. I guess like most of the routines we have now, it will take some adjusting and trial and error to see what works with a newborn/baby. Also, I remember being really concerned that my cats wouldn’t get any attention when DD was born! Sad to say they don’t get as much, I still adore them but they have naturally taken a back seat and I now find it ridiculous that I cared that much! I have been reading The Second Baby by Sarah Ockwell-Smith on my Kindle and tbh it is freaking me out more!! The thought of putting DD’s world in turmoil breaks my heart but I am trying to remind myself that I spent nearly a year crying that she would have no sibling and I wanted this for a reason.

I also worry about dying @TwittleBee but not necessarily even related to birth. Leaving my DD without me is one of my biggest fears (along with me loosing her), I guess it is just part of being a parent. That said, please do not blame yourself for what happened to your son. You did everything you could and were a brilliant mum to him during pregnancy and his short life xxx I’m pleased your scan showed the baby was OK but am sorry you now have more unanswered questions and worries.

Sorry you are feeling stressed @Bluebelltulip. Being pregnant with a child is bloody trying at times!

How are you 31 weeks @coconutlatte44?! I swear people on this thread are over taking me!! Try not to stress too much about buying stuff. As long as you have the essential (somewhere to sleep, travel system/carrier, car seat, clothes, nappies) the rest can all be bought as you go. That’s what night feeds and online shopping is for! ;)

How are you feeling @Beaglemum93? Are you around 36 weeks now? When do you finish work?

Good luck with the GTT today @InDreamLand!

Anyone heard from @Laney79?

@InDreamland - are you london based? NCT course is only £150 here which isnt too bad but I know its a lot pricier in london. Guess its all the sugar in that drink that made your baby wriggly? Good luck for the bloods.

Thanks ladies, I do struggle not to blame myself. Especially when i'm now being told to rest so I dont cause more bleeding... which makes me think was i too active with Roy's pregnancy?

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - er no! how is that boy going to learn what is socially acceptable? How is he going to cope in school if he hasnt been taught how to resolve issues? They need guidance on that, not just letting them do whatever! I am with you on this totally.

Thanks @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue actually I really think you did the right thing. Your DD was being for want of a better word, attacked, by someone else and as most parents would do they step in to protect their child. I would have done the same thing as you and she should have disciplined her child. I have been wondering about @Laney79 too. Hope she's okay.

@TwittleBee try to see it more as people are not blaming you but more concerned that you need to give yourself and your body some rest. Each pregnancy and baby is different. You were not too active in Roy's pregnancy, you will have followed medical advice to slow down if they thought you were overdoing it. I'm just outside of London, on a tube line but in Essex. NCT is expensive around here, think about 3 times more than the NHS class. I know people join for the social aspect but, not wanting to sound miserable, I'm not interested in that, I have a support network here and a lady at church runs and bump and baby group and breastfeeding support group which I can join as and when I feel ready to do that sort of thing.

How much sugar is in that drink? Baby really is wriggling around plenty still, 90 mins after drinking that stuff.