The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@Tiniestsky welcome to the board, full of support and advice. I totally get your approach and at nearly 15 weeks my brains still in that zone. I think it's the way we try and protect ourselves from pain.
@janey15 that's so lovely about feeling movement, I cannot wait to feel mine. I think my placenta is at the back so hoping I'll be able to feel them, I can't remember when I felt them with my son as it's so long ago. Good luck for the scan today
@Rubyroost I totally understand why you saw red. I think people are so naive when they haven't been through loss themselves. I've already told DH that if baby makes it to 28 weeks we will start to buy stuff then but not before.

Dr google is not being my friend as the medical studies I'm reading show my issues can come on within days, yet my consultant was full of 'well it doesn't happen over night'. I've checked and the fetal medicine centre do fetal cardiac scans for £200, so I have that as my back up plan. Still feel sick at the though of this baby developing a heart problem because of me, I so attached now I don't know what I'd do. Think I will speak to my midwife (2 weeks time) about how this is affecting my mental health and see if I can at least get weekly Doppler checks.

Hi @Kayjay2018 I'm so glad places like this are here, I feel like apart from my partner nobody really gets its. I messaged my best friend yesterday because I'd had a realisation that it was the same date a year apart that I first lost my baby and found out I was pregnant, was really spooked out by it and all I got back was "spooky" and when I told my mum, all I got back when I expressed my fears "I've been there too"

Sounds like you're having a stressful time of it at the mo too? Have the last 15 wks felt like a decade? Lol

@Tiniestsky I think up till 12 weeks was a drag, but I set myself mini goals. First one was to get past the stage of my loss, then get to an early scan, then harmony scan and results then nuchal scan, so that broke it down. From 16 weeks I enter the period where my antibodies can affect the babies heart and damage is possible for at least the next 12 weeks. So I feel scared all over again. Risks are 2%ish and can be treated if caught early, so time now seems to be steaming towards 16 weeks. Have you set yourself any mini dates to get past? I too found it hard when no one knew, this place was the only place I could take about how I felt and celebrate my little milestones with people who understand. I would have been due in 3 weeks time if I hadn't MC last time so that deadline is looming, but if I hadn't MC I wouldn't know I have these extra issues that need monitoring, so my heads a bit messed up. That must have been hard realising the date you found out was the same as your loss. A reply of spooky seems completely inadequate in the circumstances but I suppose if you have never been there yourself then you don't even begin to understand how you must be feeling

@Kayjay2018 that seems pretty logical and right thing to do, sorry to hear you've got a new set of things to worry about, it's like never ending isn't it...
I guess I just hoped with my friend and mum that they knew how scared I was and was looking to talk about things but already I'm starting to feel like I can't mention it because I don't want to go on too much and bore people.
I was 6 weeks last year when I lost the baby, was a pregnancy of unknown location which for a long time pissed me off cos I felt like I was even robbed of a proper MC (I'm weird I know) I had to have methotrexate and blood tests for a month of so and wait 3 months to try again, which at 36 was worrying. Being 37 now and worrying about it happening again that I'll be 38/39 scares me most. Wish I had some symptoms tbh, I've never wanted to be sick so much or have sore boobs lol
For now though my goal is the early scan at 7 weeks on the 28th

@Kayjay2018 2% risk is what you need to hold on to, that's very low, try focusing on the 98% chance that all is well

@Tiniestsky - I was 6 weeks too, something hadn't felt right all along, then I had a scan and baby was measuring small, I MC 3 days later. Your situation sounds terrible, then having to wait as well does not help. I'm 38 (will be 39 by time little one arrives if we get that far - my birthday is 6 days before due date so I may still squeeze in at 38), so I get the age worries. That's good you have a scan already scheduled, gives you something to aim for. I'm sorry you feel like you can't go on about it, make sure you use this space for venting or getting your worries out. And thank you - I know 98% is good, my mind is just in half empty mode I think!

@Kayjay2018 sounds like we're in a similar boat, it's always much easier thinking half glass empty isn't it. Really hoping everything is smooth sailing for you throughout.
One of the symptoms of an ectopic is pain the the shoulder tip which is what mine was suspected last year and I had the shoulder pain, this time me doing my test coincided with a terrible nights sleep where I laid funny and had a painful neck and shoulder which a week later hasn't fully gone and I now have some mild pain that reaches the tip of my shoulder which is freekin me out.
God I'm gonna drive myself mad 😜

@Tiniestsky I understand exactly how you're feeling! I had MMC at 12 weeks in March last year and then a MC at 7 weeks 4 months later. I am 6+3 today and although we've had an early scan and everything looks good so far with a heartbeat flickering away, I'm terrified it's all going to go wrong. I want to be happy and enjoy the pregnancy but can't help but feel anxious all the time. I have sore boobs and maybe feel a bit more tired than usual but nothing else. My doctor said I should feel lucky that's all I have for now!

Have you joined the July 2020 thread yet? I'm on two - one in pregnancy and one in antenatal. I haven't posted much. Find it hard to as I don't want to be the negative Nancy!

We are at my in-laws this weekend and my SIL got some non-alcoholic sparkling stuff to celebrate over dinner last night. I was really pleased she made the effort and then I felt guilty I haven't been at all excited.

I'm hoping once I get to my 8 week scan, if everything is okay maybe I'll start to feel better. I've taken next week off work to join my husband on a business trip in Cornwall so hoping I can relax and 8 weeks will come around quickly!

My SIL has got a new cat and I'm allergic to it 😢 really hard to breathe through my nose! Doesn't look like I can take anything to help. I went to bed early last night just so I could sleep and not think about the fact my nose was blocked and hope I didn't offend anyone! I'm also anxious that because I sneeze so aggressively it's going to harm the baby. Stupid I know!

@Tiniestsky @RedRobin7 I know exactly how you feel those first few weeks are horrendous, I too wanted to sleep and wake up 7/8 months later. Time is so slow and you spend the whole time thinking and worrying about miscarriage and all the things that could go wrong. It does get easier, I promise. 10 1/2 weeks improved for me after resukts from nipt test, then again at 13 weeks which was 12 week scan and then even more at 20 weeks. I actually felt the time between 13 and 20 weeks went relatively fast, and now I can't believe I'm well over half way.
@Kayjay2018 I was thinking the same as @Tiniestsky focus on the 98% all will go alright. When will you get your heart scan? Is it an echothingymebob-sorry can't remember the name.

@Rubyroost our first heart scan is a week on Monday up at St. George's hospital, but the consultant reckons they will only see me once more at 24 weeks for a second. When I asked about weekly monitoring she made me feel foolish, she will do some monitoring ( had a 5 min non heart scan when I went), whenever I see her and midwives will listen to heartbeat at appointments, but that leaves lots of weeks with nothing!

@Kayjay2018 I'm sorry I can't remember what condition that you are at risk of developing but I'm also worried about this baby developing the same condition as DD2. She had SVT and despite efforts to medicate in the womb she died. This condition doesn't have any warning signs so even though we have had a normal fetal echo it doesn't mean it won't happen. I'm having heart rate checks every 2 weeks and had them weekly over the gestation that DD2 developed it and was treated. I'm also able to go to MAU for checks in between if I'm concerned. It's hard to balance being checked regularly to pick it up as soon as possible if it does happen and not be in hospital constantly.

@Bluebelltulip I have a risk of the baby developing heart block as my antibodies can damage the way the heart works. Steroids can help if caught early, if not we could be looking at a pacemaker needed or in the worst case losing the baby. Did you find the weekly then fortnightly checks helped with your anxiety? Are you now passed the danger period or can it occur at any point (you don't have to answer if you would rather not)

@Kayjay2018 I do find the checks help but I still worry in between them, it was only 10 days between a scan showing DD2 was fine and it being found at a routine check. There isn't a more likely period for it to develop and it's rare for it to occur when it did in DD2 it more commonly develops close to term and within the first year of life. The closer to term that it does develop then the better chance of survival as generally the baby is delivered and treated but DD2 was far to young (27 weeks, treatment worked for a while but stopped working at 32 weeks) to be delivered with a heart condition. Do you have a more likely point for it to develop?

@Bluebelltulip I've read contradictory information, most say from 16 weeks (some have said from 12), then right through till either 24 weeks (or I've read 30 elsewhere). I'm already scheduled 4 weekly growth scans from 24 weeks as growth problems could be a problem as well. Will you be having more frequent check ups right the way through?

I'm so tried. I really dislike diabetes at this time. Don't mind me, but I feel like I need it out. I will reply properly to others after work/ picking my dc from dm house.

I already imposed a ban on my myself from driving, to cope with all these extra low sugar. I really hope baby is still there and I have happy 12 weeks scan on Monday. I'm not even sure it is diabetes or the scan is making me feel like this. I will most likely regret posting this after my sugar is back to normal. I'm very lucky to be working for a family friend who is very understanding but over protective at the same time. I dread telling her I'm actually pregnant. Because she has her own fertility problems and is desperate for a baby.

@Tiniestsky welcome to this lovely supportive group. As others have said, it's normal to feel like that at first if you've experienced an early loss. I'm actually still really anxious on and off at 18 weeks but also feeling happy and excited at times too now.

@Kayjay2018 it's definitely easier to feel with the palm of my hand at the moment but I have felt some definite kicks now too. If you can manage it, try to stay away from google although I know it's really hard. There is so much conflicting medical advice out there and I have got myself upset so many times completely unnecessarily. I would definitely ask for support from the midwife though for your own piece of mind.
As for statistics- they always seem to be more reassuring for the people around you rather than the person dealing with the issue!

Our scan went really well this afternoon and I wasn't too terrified beforehand after feeling movement yesterday afternoon. I even felt a load of stronger kicks when they were doing the scan which was lovely!  Placenta is posteria so she said I should start to feel things more and more now. I might have treated myself to some new boots to celebrate 

What do you all think about the 3D photos? It's nice to see on the screen but the printed pictures all look weird! Either way it was totally worth it and the 28th doesn't seem so far away now for our 20 week scan. Just got to disguise this growing bump a little bit longer...

I'm starting to feel a bit of ease I think, not because I'm being positive that things are going to be ok but more because I think the sooner you realise it's out of our hands and nothing you can do, you might as well go with it and enjoy it today and not worry about tomorrow.
I've had mild period like cramps all day today with some light spotting, in my head I'm expecting the worst, so anything else will be a bonus 🤷‍♀️
If you don't laugh you'll cry, right?

@Tiniestsky although I didn't have spotting this time, I had the same bad pains and cramping at 5 weeks that I thought was the start of my MC at 6 weeks. Turns out that's just what it feels like for me between 5 and 7 weeks. I've got everything crossed for you x

Hi ladies

@janey15 yay for the positive scan! Poked on just to see how you got on today. Lovely to hear all is looking well and you're getting plenty of movement. I get annoyed when people don't think about other's experiences with pregnancy and fertility before commenting on other's anxieties. Hate people telling me to not think negative when they haven't had the experiences I've had with infertility and 2 mc's. Risky age with being important to treat ourselves and massage ourselves feel better given what we've been through.

Has anyone seen @tinatsarina recently? Feel like not seen her here for ages. Hope she's okay.

@Kayjay2018 glad to hear you're being well looked after by your hospital. Your anxieties are very understandable, hopefully once you pass 16 and then 20 weeks you will feel more confident about this pregnancy.

@Kinsters lovely to hear all is going well and the other ladies from the TTC thread are also doing well. Gosh you're so close now! Jealous you're in Penang, my favourite food place in the world! Char Kway Teow, Lor Bak ............. mmmmmmm. Really wanna go back. Lots of lovely memories of there. My dad grew up in Penang, lived on Love Lane, the house the family lived in (well part of that house) is now a back packers hostel, well was last time I visited.

@sadtoday21 did you get seen at EPU or call your midwife? I would have just to be safe and they'll use doppler to check baby is well. Hope you've had lots of movements today. Midwife on labour ward when I rushed up for reduced movements told me that they worry about patterns from 28 weeks. Doesn't stop us worrying though and it's right to always call and get checked if you're worried. Better safe than sorry.

@Rubyroost that really irritates me when ignorant people make comments like that about women who have mc's are like responsible for them and somehow caused them. Really upsets me. Like we need to be blamed by others when often we're already questioning everything we've done.

@Tiniestsky I remember you from the TTC thread, congratulations and welcome! Lovely to hear your news! Fx for a healthy pregnancy! The anxiety is perfectly normal for anyone who's had a loss. We're all here to hold your hand along the way.

@RedRobin7 that's so lovely of your SIL to make the effort of non-alcoholic sparkling drink. It is so tough isn't those first few weeks, every second drags. You almost wish you didn't know, ignorance is bliss. Staying positive for you that you will get to your 8 week and then 12 week scan and baby will be perfect and healthy. Keep posting here though if you need to. This is out safe place for anxieties.

@Notnowokay fx for your scan Monday! It's hard when others have fertility problems and despite our histories telling someone struggling with fertility you're pregnant is so difficult.

@InDreamland I remember you too! How are you getting on?

I'd feel a lot better about things if my stomach would stop aching and the spotting would stop :(

@Tiniestsky sorry you're feeling like this. It's so horrible, obviously we all know it could go either way at this stage but before 8 weeks I had a couple of episodes of spotting and brown blood when I wiped and so a couple of times thought it was game over. Hope that you will also be fine and it's just implantation and womb stretching. I'm okay thanks, 26+4 today and baby moving a fair bit which helps with anxiety a bit.

@InDreamland awww I'm really happy for you, wishing you smooth sailing to the end.
I really hope that is the case too, I've been fine all week, felt absolutely nothing, thought I'd had the implantation cramp and spotting over a week ago but the nurse at the epu at addenbrookes was lovely and has said everything I'm feeling is normal for week 5, just gotta hope it doesn't get worse 🤞🏻

@Tiniestsky I had spotting from 5 and a half weeks til 10 and a half weeks with this pregnancy (and a red bleed at 6 weeks) and all was ok. The anxiety never really stops. It gets better but it's always lurking in the background I've found and I'm 35 weeks tomorrow. I really hope all goes well for you.

Great news on your scan @janey15! My 3D photos were pretty good but they definitely looked better at 27 weeks than they did at 16! My next scan is on the 28th too.

@Beaglemum93 glad everything is going well for you, do I remember you from the other thread too?
If I can make it to my early scan in 2 weeks and see something there hopefully I can breath a sigh of relief and set the next goal. For now though, if the cramps would kindly piss off id be grateful lol

@Beaglemum93 35 weeks!!! 😍 gosh that seems to have gone by fast but other people's pregnancies usually do. I'm chugging along here at 20 weeks telling myself the second half will go faster than the first. Or at least hoping it will!

It was my birthday yesterday and I was home poorly from work due to a fever. I felt so gutted especially since my new team had decorated the office for me and bought me presents. My birthday celebrations got transferred over to today though. Had a lovely time today with family 😍 xxxxxx