The March-ers 2019 #6

[Angelmiracle]

Welcome to no.6 mamas 😄 We love to chat 😁

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Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3354202-The-March-ers-2019-5

Hi guys, thanks for the welcome messages and hope everyone is doing well

@Wineandchoccy love the Christmas jumper made me smile (...is it that time of year again already?) x

Love the Christmas jumper @Wineandchoccy 🎄

@wineandchoccy fab news on the scan! So chuffed for you.

I had my 16 week appointment yesterday and heard the heartbeat. Am so happy to know things are ok. Looking forward to the 20 week scan in a few weeks now.

What is the name of the facebook group please? There are quite a few when I search.

Love to all xxx

Having a bit of a wobble day. Feeling sick (reflux I think) and just plain exhausted. And then my mum decided to be my mum... We've had quite a rocky relationship in the past, much better than it used to be but she has a history of riding roughshod about pretty much all my boundaries. She's meant to come over for Christmas and for the first time is going to stay with us. I was unsure/anxious whether that was a good idea, but decided to be hopeful in light of the fact that it's felt like we've both been trying and working on our communication.

I'd made the decision that it would be workable based on plans she'd given me, and an idea of how long she would stay, but previously we'd agreeed she'd run any dates past me before booking anything. Today she contacted me (after weeks of no contact) to say she had changed her plans to fly instead of catching a ride with her neighbour. No dates until I prompted, and then it turns out she's just invited herself for an extra couple of days - flights all booked - which basically means I'll get zero alone time with DH over the break. She was, as usual, despite me explaining what this kind of thing means to me repeatedly in the past, completely blind to how this could have any effect on me.

It sounds so stupid written down, but with our history it's just another boundary violation and it robbed me of any confidence we could make her being here work. Felt so vulnerable I spent large chunks of the evening crying, and after initially feeling like I should accommodate anyway, have now sent her a text asking her to change the flights or find an alternative, because the extra days are too much and it's not in anybody's interest, and I want us to keep a good relationship.

Feel a mix of terrified of how she'll react, guilty that I can't just let it go more easily, and sad, angry and disappointed that she still can't seem to see me as a person in my own right with separate needs, and that I let myself get my hopes up that she could. I know it's not malicious these days which helps. But a part of me still can't help but wish we had the kind of relationship where it didn't matter if she stayed for a couple of days longer or not. To have been part of a "normal" family (whatever that even means).

Sorry this got a bit long. It'll work itself out one way or another, and DH is supportive, just needed a bit of a vent.

@modgem it's a secret group so can't be found by searching, send @Murphyrocks a personal message with your real name and description of your profile picture and she will add you.

@wordsmithereens oh, that sounds so so hard. But you are amazing for having stood firm and told her that she needs to change her arrangements. Your time alone with DH is precious - even more so before the arrival of a new baby - and you are right to protect it. I had something a little like this with my dad when DS was due - he invited himself to stay for five days, right over the due date. I think hoping that I would perform on time! (He also asked me to do his laundry when he arrived - I told him where he could find the washing machine!) I felt under so much pressure! I managed two days and then cried my eyes out on the third and told him I could not spend all that time with him and that I needed space with DH. To his eternal credit he listened and took himself off to do other things! It's so good to stand up and state your needs. I hope your mum listens.

@Wineandchoccy I am so pleased for you!

@wordsmithereens having visitors to stay is always tricky regardless of the relationship. I hope you manage to find a resolution without too many problems. I'm glad you don't feel it's malicious at least and maybe it was partly down to the way the flights were scheduled. Could you and DH ensure that you have an evening out together, just the two of you, on the days that she wasn't supposed to be there? You could explain that it was already booked (ahem).

Thanks @badbadbeans, that means a lot. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar with your dad especially right over your due date that sounds incredibly stressful! I'm glad you could speak up and that he saw sense in the end.

It's harder cause I genuinely believe she's trying. She's had quite serious mental health issues most of her life that never got properly addressed, and I can empathise with what's going on for her. But I've had to work too hard to build up an understanding that my own needs matter as well sometimes to reach a place where I can be well and also know that caving in out of guilt just leads to explosions that hurt both of us. Hopefully she'll have enough insight this time to respect that - it's been so hit and miss with her it's hard to trust it.

@wordsmithereens I think the fact that you did it via text is a good thing as it will have allowed you to explain your reasoning without interruption, and will mean she has time to digest and reflect before she responds. I really hope she understands the place where you are coming from, but if she doesn't then that isn't your fault. I'm so glad you are strong in knowing that your needs are important. Sounds like you have a tough relationship and it is great that you are both trying. Babies can be a lovely 'in' to healing old wounds (for a start they take the focus away from you) so hopefully this is the start of things being a little easier between you.

In fairness to my dad he did book to stay in a b&b nearby rather than our house but even that was too much for me! He didn't take offence at all, but he is a caring (if slightly unintuitive!) person and he did understand that it was too much for me. (Baby ended up coming 13 days after the due date and we were in hospital for a week, so he actually ended up only visiting his grandson for a couple of hours before flying home. Poor grandad!)

@wordsmithereens that sounds really hard but well done on standing your ground - your mum mustn’t be very self aware if she thought a longer stay was going to be fine for her as well as you. Having a baby definitely changes the dynamics of family relationships and if anything gives you a bit more weight to say no and do what is right for your family so it’s good to put those boundaries in now.
I’ve had a tricky relationship with my mum over the years - she’s outspoken, not always supportive and generally negative. Amazingly since I’ve got married and now during the pregnancy she’s been lots better.

@wordsmithereens I'm sorry your mum made you feel so upset. It's great that you spoke up and told her though you would feel worse if you hadn't and just dread her coming. We have a difficult time with DMIL overstepping boundaries a lot similarly she has a lot of MH issues. Poor DH just has to be straight with her. One over night stay easily turns into 3/4 and it is quite harsh but I can't be on eggshells in my own house playing host to her!

I hope your mum respects your wishes and you can look forward to her visiting x

@wordsmithereens wow that sounds difficult. My dad is kinda like that in terms of being seemingly completely oblivious to how his actions impact on others and genuinely wouldn't have a problem with adding an extra few days onto his stay if that were more convenient for him. Fortunately he has my mum who is much more socially aware (aka normal) to keep him in check. Has she done this kind of thing for your entire life? Perhaps she doesn't know it's not normal, particularly when your children are adults?

@wineandchoccy yes it was very odd and as if they didn't have a clue about anything in their section. We ended up with one lady who did know her stuff at the end though. Ideally we want to get the buggy from JL as husband has around 1500 in vouchers from work from their instant recognition scheme type things and we also have a JL credit card so we've been saving the vouchers for the big ticket baby items. Fortunately they price match but if we can't get what we want in JL then we will go elsewhere. I just expected them to be more helpful as they're normally quite good!

@hidcat hope you found something to wear for the christening!!

Sorry for those if you suffering with parents. Mine are pretty good but my FIL is a nightmare. When I had DS he told DH he would get on the first train to see us. He is bad enough when well, not after a whole day of labour and giving birth at half past midnight...... He thought he could stay at our house too, even though we had 2 bedrooms and one was a nursery! Poor DH doesn't know how to stand up to him. Thinking of not even telling him for a little while this time, but thankfully there isn't a direct train link any more!

Thanks @hidcat, @badbadbeans, @nightmanagerfan, @angelmiracle, @cardboard33, @squirtlesmumagain for all your kind words, validation, stories and support. I'm grateful, and it helps not feel so alone/ride this out. I'm sorry for anyone who's had to negotiate similar difficult dynamics in the past!

For those who have said - yes, she definitely has these huge gaps in self-awareness/empathy, even though her heart is in the right place. I never quite worked out what is not understanding social rules/boundaries, and what is inability to own up to her stuff because it's psychologically too challenging. End result is the same, she keeps breaking agreements/boundaries, is surprised/upset/offended when there's a reaction, and if you hold boundaries strong enough, deflects it back onto you cause she can't cope. (The last time I didn't strike the balance quite right, I had her crying on the phone for two hours about how I, as a small child, made her feel not enough as a mum because I was so sensitive/had needs. Obviously... that is not my baggage, but it's taken 30 years for me to be able to separate it out.)

She's actually a lot better nowadays than she used to be, and she does really try, and in other ways, can be very supportive. But firm boundaries seem to be only way to stabilise the relationship.

She's not responded to my text yet, and we're meant to have a family skype with my brother tomorrow who she's visiting. Nervous about it, but I've warned him so he can exit himself if he needs to and beyond that I just need to remember that holding firm doesn't make me an awful person.

Feel a bit like I've hijacked thread - hope nobody is holding the less weighty bump talk for my sake, anyone. If so please return, I'll be zero offended. Normality is good. Hope you're all having a lovely weekend; we had our local antenatal class today, which felt a bit early but super interesting!

Glad you enjoyed your antenatal classes. Do they still suggest tumble dryer balls for back massage during labour?? Was the funniest thing I remember.

Feeling really low at the moment. Feeling really sick again (meds run out) and feel my body is rather failing at successfully growing a human. I just know the 20 week scan may raise more issues than answering questions, so whilst it will be a reassurance baby is growing correctly (I hope obviously) it may start showing signs of the small size and their extra checks may find issues with the blood supply to baby.

I wish I just knew if this was the cause of DS being so small, but no way to find out now.

@SquirtlesMumAgain Sorry you are struggling it’s so tough not knowing what’s going on but you are not failing you are doing amazing x

Tumble dryer balls?! No, that wasn't mentioned They did get DH to volunteer to demonstrate breastfeeding position though, which was hilarious.

Sorry you're struggling so and are sick still. It must be so hard to feel like you can't have confidence in your body at the moment. When can you get your meds refilled, and when is your scan coming up?

You can't change the past either way, so I hope you can focus on just looking after yourself in the present. It's understandable you'd start to question it though, and ongoing uncertainty is always a weight. Some days going moment by moment is totally fine and the only thing you can do. Xxx

@wordsmithereens Sorry you are having to deal with all that Glad you found the antenatal classes good though.

I’m full of a cold and baby kicks hard when I sneeze it’s painful 😖

Hope everybody is having a good weekend, dd wants to go to a play centre tomorrow which I’m happy about because it means I can sit and read and drink tea whilst DH supervises

Thanks @wineandchoccy, hope the cold improves. Play centre sounds like an amazing idea!

@cardboard33 ended up in leggings, boots and a jumper dress. Weather was atrocious so practicality was definitely the way to go!

@SquirtlesMumAgain I'm sure your scan will be fine. Sometimes babies are just small for no apparent reason and it's likely nothing you did wrong. Lots of hugs to you.

I've been struggling a bit with insomnia this week. I keep waking up really early and 2 nights back I barely slept at all. I hope this doesn't last 😔

Hello.
Can I tentatively join please? I am 18 wks with our much wanted rainbow baby. We lost their big sister last year at 27 weeks due to placenta problems. I am incredibly anxious most of the time but if I could be on here with you guys and enjoy some of the normality of pregnancy that would be great.
I hope that's ok.
I haven't read all the thread but I have looked through the last bit.
@Wineandchoccy I am so glad that your scan was reassuring.
@SquirtlesMumAgain I can understand your anxiety, I am having a highly medicalised pregnancy due to my previous complications so if there is anything you want to ask please do. I see my consultant every two weeks, she scans me. I am on aspirin and heparin to improve blood flow to the placenta. They are doing this massive blood flow scan at 22 wks called a Doppler artery scan which they say should tell them a lot about the condition of the placenta and the umbilical. I get really worried about that and then I think well we didn't know with dd what was going on. I didn't have that scan with her therefore will never know what it could have told us. If you are at all worried after your 20 wk scan I would push for the doppler. Do your trust use individual growth scans and are they taking account of your previous small baby? I don't want to freak you out but if I were in your shoes I would want to know exactly what was available to help them identify problems, I hope you don't mind. One thing I definitely wanted to say to you is that this is nothing that is your fault. Absolutely not. Placentas and blood flow are not in your control, I wish they were believe me, but they are not. Nothing you did caused IUGR, that's the reason why they are doing so much research into it at the moment. The doctors don't understand why otherwise healthy pregnancies suffer these complications. Please be gentle on yourself.
My due date is 15.03.19, but we are likely to be induced or c-sectioned 3 wks early. So probably a late February baby. I hope to get to know you all a bit better as we go on.

@winesndchoccy so pleased it was some reassuring news. Maybe you can relax a little now.

Understand the complex patents issue. My mother is not very supportive and can sometimes be quite mean when things go wrong even stuff I can not control.
For that reason I have not told my family i’m Pregnant yet as I know if anything did go wrong the support might not be there or worse I would be blamed. Maybe the child can tell her when it’s 18 if it turns into a reasonably nice person! Ha!

Went to a wedding yesterday - managed to stay until 11 and even did some dancing. Something a couple of weeks ago I could not imagine. Very proud of myself.

My LO is kicking like mad this morning! I think she wants me to get up!