We came home on Sunday evening, with Jordi feeding from me (although needing top ups of my expressed milk). So hurrah we're home. But then it all went a bit tits up to use an appropriate term. Couldn't get the baby to latch for about four feeds in a row, so cried over him every time, more and more worried he was forgetting how to do it as he had the bottle. He did do it once on Monday pm. Felt like hell on Monday, assumed it was tiredness and stress, but realised by Tues I had mastitis - great - painful boob, so bad I couldn't sleep when I went for a lie down, uncontrollable shivering in bed followed by raging fever, aching all over. LO's only latched once again on the non-affected breast and on the expresser machine gettingliterally drops out of bad boob which used to be the slightly better one - now worrying it will never improve again. So he's having formula mostly for the past few feeds from a bottle and although I know I should be glad that he's feeding somehow and is fine, it's breaking my heart that I can't feed my own child myself. He would need top ups anyway, I know, because I don't appear to have enough milk, but it's certainly not going to increase now. Also, I keep doubting even when he is on first if he's on properly and secondly if he's getting anything at all. In all my thoughts about pregnancy and childbirth etc, I was prepared for my birth plan to change and accepted i might not get the home birth if things weren't ok, but it never even entered my head I would't be able to breastfeed my baby totally. I've had a pretty bad day today, I just keep on crying, I am as I type, and although I have met so many people in the past few weeks who really do have something to worry about with their children, and I know this isn't the end of the world, I can't stop. Now I'm worrying I'm going to get PND, another thing I assumed I would be immune to. The thing is, in my head I've got very good reasons to be crying. I'm really sorry for the depressing post, I should probably have put this elsewhere but I wanted to put it with the gang. Also, I don't mean this to sound like an attack on bottle feeding babies, it's just not what I was planning to do.
Eids, I read your post about your DD1 and it has really helped me. Have missed out quite a lot though so not really up with what's going on. Who in theory is next to pop - is it you Foxy? I seem to remember you saying once you were actually due in Feb.
Thanks for the comments about the pictures. Even if I say so myself, he is a darling, and he's such a good baby (so far...!!). that's another thing - I don't want to spend this precious time feeling upset all the time and missing out on the joys of motherhood either. I wish we had a pram so I could get out the house for half an hour as the sun is out - see the dangers of non-forward planning? Why oh why didn't I force DP to help me choose one before the NY?? He's being great btw, I felt so guilty this morning that I hadn't got or done anything for him for Val's day when I handed me a bag with a hand (or computer) made card with a pic of Jordi on it and a CD and a book. That made me cry too - everything is making me cry today.
Hope you are all feeling as well as heavily pregnant women can feel and the various afflictions I've glimpsed on your posts have ended. Cx