July 2016 (10) - the final thread for bumps!

[foobio]

New thread for the rapidly diminishing number of July bumps!

Link to postnatal thread for when we graduate... July 2016 Postnatal

Link to a copy of Beaut's stats list which I think I've made editable... Editable Stats

We have a Facebook group, "MN 07/16" - this is set to secret, so just post on here if you'd like to join.

I still haven't read everything properly but I'm really missing you guys and can't sleep right now so popping on here.

Firstly Anna, I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. I'm so glad you were able to share special times with her in these last few weeks.

Congratulations to everyone who has had babies. I'm far too knackered to congratulate you all individually, much as I would like to! dats I cannot BELIEVE the speed of your delivery - you go girl! And the size!!! Oooo my eyes are watering!

photographer what a story! Cheery and bird it does indeed sound as though we had similar experiences - hope you guys are feeling better now.

I am, to be honest, really struggling. Not with the baby - he is beautiful and wonderful and gorgeous - but with my anxiety, which is sky high. I know logically that this is partly to do with hormones and partly to do with lack of sleep, and partly to do with a slightly traumatic birth experience, but I am absolutely terrified of slipping into a downward spiral of panic attacks and feeling sick and unable to eat. Trying to focus on Ruben as much as I can to stop this happening.

Sunday morning I found a large, non-painful lump in my armpit. I am sure this cannot have been there for more than a few days because I usually shave my armpits every couple of days (although I didn't in hospital) and I am sure I would have noticed it. The midwife told me to go to the GP, which I did yesterday. GP said that it could be swollen lymph nodes and a sign of an infection brewing in the breast - although there are no other signs of infection. He said it may either turn into an infection, or go away on its own. Or, if it's still there in a month, he would send me for a scan. He felt it probably wasn't a tumour because it had come up so fast.

Now because my mum died of breast cancer, my mind is now going absolutely crazy with worry. I am imagining dying and leaving Ruben and DH without me. I don't think I can sit and wait for a month for a referral - especially not as the last time I had a lump and was sent to the breast clinic, it took 2 weeks to get an appointment, and then when I got to the appointment I got seen by a consultant who basically did the same job as the doctor and said yes, I needed a scan - and then referred me for a scan a week later!!!!!

If that happened again, that would mean about seven weeks between finding the lump and having the scan. By that point, I promise you, I would be insane with fear. I ended up on the phone to the Samaritans last night because I felt so freaking awful. I have decided to ring the doctor again today and try to get a referral today, with the option of then cancelling the appointment if the lump goes away. If they won't do it on the NHS I'm going to ask if I can pay for a private scan.

I feel like I am ruining this special newborn time with my fears and my worries. Obviously I really wish I didn't have the lump as that is terrifying me, but I do have a feeling that if I didn't have the lump I would be fixating on something else instead. DH is being absolutely incredible, running around doing everything while I just feed Ruben and sleep. I feel good in the mornings (normally - I'm a bit tearful as I type this) but terrible in the afternoons and evenings. Everyone (mental health team at hospital, the community midwife, the Samaritans lady) keeps saying it's just normal baby blues, but I don't feel like it is - I feel like it's my anxiety coming back to haunt me with a vengeance and I am so, so scared of it. And I'm also scared about the lump.

And now I'm sitting here feeling guilty because Ruben woke 45 mins "early" (I am demand feeding him but we are making sure to wake him up every 3 hours overnight if he doesn't ask for it) for a feed and my boobs were so sore I couldn't face it so I asked DH to feed him some of my expressed milk so I could sleep. And now I'm beating myself up because I'm awake anyway, and I wish I'd fed him, and I'm worried it will affect my milk supply, and it was the turn of the boob with the armpit lump and if it is an infection then I should probably not leave that boob too long without Ruben feeding on it... Oh god guys, my mind just won't stop.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry to be such a downer :(

Forgot to say, I am also beating myself up massively for not checking my breasts properly. As you know, I have been to and fro to the GP with breast worries during pregnancy. I find it really hard to check them myself - way harder now that they've changed so much - and I had a doctor do it for me about three months ago. I am very conscious of any outward changes, but I really struggle to bring myself to press them hard enough to feel any deeper lumps - I have quite lumpy, tender boobs anyway. I try and smooth my hands over them in the shower now and again to see what I can feel, but I don't do it in a structured way and I don't do it at the same time every month as I should do.

When I said to DH last night that I hadn't checked my breasts regularly he looked at me like I had two heads. I immediately felt this massive wash of guilt and panic - all the things running through my mind were how could I have been so stupid, why am I not doing it properly, my mum died of breast cancer for Christ's sake, why I haven't I just got on and done it. So now I'm panicking that maybe the lump in my armpit is a reaction to a lump in my breast that I haven't felt. I've had a little go at feeling them now but they are obviously very tender and quadruple the size they were so it is hard to tell what's going on. I think I will look up a YouTube video on how to breast check today and get DH to help me do it as a routine from now on.

I don't know why I'm telling you guys all this, I just feel like I need to get it out somewhere. Sorry everyone... Argh.

Bluebell - I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling with anxiety. On top of everything else it must be terrifying. It sounds to me though that you've got a good workable plan to figure out the cause of the lump (& I think we'd all testify to lumpy boobs right now) and to expedite this if necessary. Your case for it not just being a side effect of being anxious is very strong and they should respond accordingly.

As for not feeding him this morning - here you're going to have to give yourself a break - there will be SO MANY tiny daily examples of feeling too knackered/unwell/pissed off/whatever to do the 'right thing' that if you beat yourself up over them all you'd never leave hospital! The next feed will come around v v soon (!) and just do it then, or try and express from that boob now.

Glad to hear DH has been so good and use him to advocate on yr behalf re lump. Thinking of you and would love to see a pic of Rubén (why the auto Latin American accent?!) when you're ready X

Thanks Elliz. Hearing from you has really helped. I am feeling very determined to go and get what I need in terms of the lump - just waiting for the doctor's to open now. I am also going to ask for a referral for CBT as that has worked for me before and I want to start it again as soon as possible, in a preventative way, rather than waiting for things to get really bad

You are right regarding the feeding. I have in fact already fed him twice from that side since posting that message! So I can rest that worry at least. As you say, things aren't going to be perfect and I am going to have to get a lot better at letting things go.

Here is a pic of my little milk monster! I quite like the auto jaunty accent

Bluebell you poor love. Get the lump checked ASAP as once it's checked you may find your anxiety clears. The baby blues can be bad and don't rule out post natal depression either which is very common. Just keep a check on your feelings and make sure those around you are aware. Like Eliz said we all have lumpy boobs at the moment. Engorgement can start in the armpit. My midwife actually told me to hand express/massage from my armpit in towards my nipple working my way around.

Re Breastfeeding I've picked up loads of great advice from the midwifes. So I'll share in case it helps you or anyone else.

1. Always start a feed from the opposite breast you started on at the previous feed. (I didn't know this)
2. the milk producing hormone is strongest in the night.
3. The best time for DH to give a bottle of expressed milk is early evening. You should express while this bottle is given.
4. Breast feed overnight and in the morning so as not to become engorged.
5. Pump off some milk if breasts are so engorged that baby cannot latch (I have to do this every morning before the 8am feed)
6. Massage breasts if you feel any lumps/engorgement. (I do this in the shower and sometimes during a feed)
7. offer both breasts at each feed letting baby finish on one before offering the other. ( If Monty-Beau doesn't feed from both I express the one not fed from. I do feed from one side, nappy change & then feed from the other)

Sorry if all that is teaching you all how to suck eggs. Just thought I would share advice I've been given as maybe I'm dim but I didn't know any of these things.

Bluebell- I have quite a few things that I want to say but I have 45mins to pump and get me and baby to the Dr's.... So will reply properly in abit but until then - I am at sending you a big " arms wrapped right around" type hug.

Bluebell. and and first and foremost YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. dont worry about feeling anxious or sad - all normal emotions that are greatly enhanced with tiredness. Dont feel guilty about feeling anxious - ruben wont know, all he knows is a loving and attentive mummy who responds to his needs.

I cant relate to any of your specific issues, if it helps: when my milk came in i got a big hard lump under my armpit and it went when my boobs softened a few days later. But just get checked by as many medical professionals as you need to before you feel satisfied - your mental health is far more important than feeling embarrassed about time wasting or whatever (i.e. its not time wasting!)

I am high risk for pnd and have an appointment with the perinatal mh team 'just in case' next week. Far better to be proactive and prepared just in case than to wait until you feel really low. Its nothing to be ashamed of! It sounds as if your anxiety is being heightened by baby blues?

P.s Hes a proper little cutie :)

I'm so sorry you're struggling with anxiety at the moment bluebell. As elliz said, it sounds like you've got a good plan for the armpit lump. It's going to be a difficult time to check with so many changes to your breasts but if it's worrying you this much then speaking to the doctor is a great idea. Is there a doctor that you have a particularly good relationship with or like more than the others? Maybe you could try to see them. I don't know if it's an option, but have you tried calling the breast screening clinic directly? They may have somebody you could speak to over the phone about your concerns. I don't know if this would be available so they might just refer you back to your go but it could be worth a try. They're very unlikely to be able to make you an appointment directly as you're below screening age. There's also the option of going private as you said.

I don't really have any advice on breastfeeding as I'm still waiting for my little one. Things I've been told in antenatal classes though are to try massaging your breasts if they feel engorged or your flow is particularly slow. This might be easier in the shower as the warm water could help to relax the tissues and you.

If you massage or express then it might be easier psychologically as you've got more control especially where it's painful. Ruben (I had to go back and remove the accent too elliz) will be fine having a bottle of expressed milk but if you can express from that breast then you might be able to stop it from becoming more painful or engorged.

I hope you're able to get an appointment or speak to somebody soon. It sounds like you're doing fantastically well with Ruben but make sure you and dh are looking after you/each other too. Sending hugs.

Oh bluebell let me start of by saying talking and sharing about your feelings is so important. I don't have any anxiety issues but when I had my DD I was a bundle of nerves and tried to be this perfect mum that could handle everything naturally. The truth is new horns are hard and you get through it from support from other mums. So keep talking as we will all feel the same!

Re the lump I can only imagine how terrified you must feel. I had very tender underarms after DD when my milk came in so perhaps it could be that? But get that app ASAP as you need to be checked. Don't be hard on yourself for not checking your breasts Life gets in the way and like you I find it really hard.

Re feeding some good advice already. Don't stress about one feed. Also do you have a breastfeeding support group near you? Or speak to your health visitor as they can organise someone to come to you. I had some issues where DD fed non stop and wasn't gaining any weight as she kept throwing up. I couldn't get to the group as I couldn't drive post section so a 'lactation specialist' came and helped me. Turns out she had a dairy allergy and reflux but the advice I got in the early days was fab. Breastfeeding is so bloody hard, make sure you get support! Xx

Congrats 'mascara' you deserve a medal after that ordeal. You must be shattered. Rest as much as you can, I know hard with the newborn, but get others to do cooking, cleaning etc to help you out if you can.

Xx

Bluebell, I'm so sorry you're hitting a bit of a rough patch but I think it's great that you're talking about it, especially to your partner. Keeping these things in and suffering in silence never works, so well done to you. And just like everyone else who has replied to you, I'm sure you're actually doing brilliantly with wee Ruben.

Sending you big Canadian bear hugs!

You guys are so fucking amazing. Bluebell I want to echo all the brilliant, wise advice that's been pouring out on here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this on top of your rollercoaster labour and birth and all the other usual first baby shock. Definitely push for a referral or a private scan - whatever will give you some reassurance. You are sounding remarkably clear-headed about where you're at, despite it all being very chaotic and scary in your head. You're recognising stuff about the situation which even if you can't control or suppress how you feel, has definite positives in dealing with it. Just want to give you such a massive hug!

After DD arrived, a wise friend gave me some advice that I still chant to myself on a regular basis. Try to remember: the thing that you are worrying about now won't be the same thing you are worrying about in two weeks time. It's so true of all of the 'normal' things you're experiencing - those early days feeding fears, egads!

Breastfeeding is one of the most - maybe the most - challenging experience I've ever faced. It has everything - the pain, the worry, the physical logistics, the emotional guilt, the hormone-skewed perspective, the sheer responsibility of nourishing another human being and being solely responsible for that, the pain. The pain. Did I mention the fucking pain? That you're not meant to feel? That you're 'doing it wrong' if you feel? I mean - thanks, evolution. You could have thought this through a little better.

Keep talking, you're doing brilliantly eventhough you don't think you are. All this stuff is HARD and to know we have this amazing group of amazing women cheering us on and feeling exactly the same is awesome. Women are awesome.

Rubén (you just need to suck it up and register him with that accent, ok??!) is gorgeous!! As is his name. Like Elliz said: crochet shot, please! No pressure

I've not posted my birth story yet, I'll try and do it soon. Sat here today with after pains which have turned up a bit late, I think? So on the hottest day of the year I have a bloody hot water bottle on my lap!

dats, day 4

Still nameless. Poor thing!

Super cute Dats! Do you have a shortlist for names?

I hear you on the after pains. Mine were horrendous. At times they were similar to my late stage contractions. Agony. Paracetamol/ibuprofen didn't touch it. Lasted about 2 weeks in total.

We sort of have a short list. But it keeps changing. It's starting to really annoy me now! It took us 2 weeks to name DD! I just need to be sure, it's such a big deal isn't it?!

Dats We took over a week to name Benjamin (who has now become known as Benny). We couldn't agree on any names at all and in the end kind of settled with Benjamin because DH liked it more than Samuel (my choice) but I love it now and can't imagine him being called anything else. Maybe try one of your shortlisted out for a couple of days?

Bluebell - Like everyone else has said, how you are feeling is normal, perhaps you are feelings are more intense than some... but they are still normal!

Although no one can 100% know for sure, yiur GP is right in saying that its unlikley to be cancer as it has come up so fast. The rule of probabilities, also suggests that since you have just had a baby and your milk would have come in about now.... that is extremely likely to just be engorgement.

I didn't know this but if you have a c-section then your milk comes in as a rule a few days later than if you had given birth vaginally. I was also taught to tell mums (back when i ran breastfeeding groups as part of my then job) a women's body will prioritise producing / putting calories into breast milk than healing from a section. I can tell you that is a load of bollocks!!! Plus breast milk production is attached greatly to how you feel mentally and a baby mirrors his mothers emotions.... so if you are stressed they stress, mess around on the breast, wont latch etc etc.... which then sends the mum in to a spiral of self deprecation cos is didn't work or you had to go get the bottle and pass said baby to OH (speaking from experience)..... and like i said i used to teach breast feeding skills / run a support group (so lets say that i had a head start) and I've had no end of issues trying to get breastfeeding going. Still i would say expressing is most productive and i am offering some formula (and i feel really guilty about this too).... my baby has a tongue tie so i am having to use nipple shields (she had ripped my nipples to bits last week) but she's so impatient she shakes her head and pulls them off, it hurts holding her in the right position to breastfeed, amongst other things. However I have the most content baby, so who really cares that I am mix feeding / expressing ..... Oh Just me!

I think what dats put sums it up perfectly:

" Breastfeeding is one of the most - maybe the most - challenging experience I've ever faced. It has everything - the pain, the worry, the physical logistics, the emotional guilt, the hormone-skewed perspective, the sheer responsibility of nourishing another human being and being solely responsible for that, the pain. The pain. Did I mention the fucking pain? That you're not meant to feel? That you're 'doing it wrong' if you feel? I mean - thanks, evolution. You could have thought this through a little better. "

Not sure if anyone has said about putting a hot water bottle or turning the shower temperature up and let the water go on your breast whilst massaging from the base to the nipple (proper deep tissue massage), all the way round. Guidance seems to say applying heat for no more than 15mins. This should also help with the engorgement.

Bird have you ever heard of breast feeding causing crippling headaches. I've had one for 8 days now. By 4pm I'm no use to anyone. I've tried changing/correcting my posture, ibuprofen every 4 hours and drinking gallons of water. Nothing is helping. I've been to the GP and they are stumped. They have called me back to go in tomorrow to rule out anaemia. I'm in two minds whether to just formula feed. I'm scared I will stop breast feeding and still have the headaches.

Beaut - Most commonly, its caused by dehydration or due to having an epidural. However there is such a thing as a "Lactation headache", if i am right its caused by the serge of oxytocin when you have your let down of milk. I think its meant to resolve after 2 months max.... perhaps worth a google?

bluebell - can I firstly say how brave you are, your honesty about how you are feeling is amazing. It is incredibly hard dealing with newborns & it is hard to disentangle what is usual baby anxiety and what is pnd. I agree with everything that others have said, the most important think is a happy mother and that should take priority. I am sending you loads of hugs and you should definitely get the scan asap and not beat yourself up.
beautican - thank you for all the great breast feeding advice, you sound like a pro. I am trying not to beat myself up about using the bottle, although it is hard. Your headaches sound horrendous. I agree dehydration is the mostly likely cause of headaches but you sound like you are drinking a lot of water.
I have to say, and I am over the hot weather. I usually love hot weather and much prefer it to the cold, but I am not sure what to do about Emmie and worry about allowing her to get too hot. Bring on a slightly cooler temperature. She has also been very fractious in the heat.

Dats - is that a koala I spy on his sleep suit? How cute is that?! Took us 6 days to name Teddy so I say take your time and get it right!

It's so hot!!!! Taken up residency in the lounge as upstairs even hotter. Daniel is really unsettled too. Worrying bout him getting too hot and what to put him in.
Bluebell - please be kind to yourself. Your gp is probably right that lump linked to breast feeding but it's so easy for your mind to race when so much has changed in your life and a little baby creeps into the equation. Push for an earlier review if only to put your mind at rest.
Let's try and doze for an hour while he sleeps. Amazing how little sleep you can survive on!!! Xx

Feeling a bit crampy today. My optimistic side says that this is a good labour sign, but my more rational side insists that these cramps are much more likely because of the baby really settling into place. Midwife and sweep tomorrow.

39+6

I spent ages replying to everyone individually this morning and then my phone effing crashed as I posted it. Will try again later, but for now I just want to echo dats and say that you guys are fucking amazing. It was really hard to write those posts yesterday but I knew it was the right thing to do because the support you guys provide is just unbelievable. I even mentioned you all at my GP appointment yesterday as a significant part of how I am coping with everything.

The GP I saw yesterday was incredible and v understanding. No referral for a scan yet, but she will see me again in a fortnight, but a month, and in the meantime is investigating whether I am eligible fir early breast screening - if I'm not, she is going to find somewhere private for me. She is also setting me up with regular GP appointments to help me through these first few months, so that I always have somewhere to come and ask non-urgent questions.

Your advice on everything - from anxiety to feeding - is all so helpful. I can't even begin to say how much less alone and less panicked I feel after reading your messages.

Bird, when you massage, do you do it in circular motions as you work your way round?

Thanks everyone. You are wonderful xxxx

birchy annie has been in a nappy night and day pretty much, i put a short sleeved vest on her at about 4am. She has been more grumpy definitely but dunno if that’s because shes 2 weeks old or too hot!

bluebell fantastic news about gp - a supportive one is worth their weight in gold!!! Hopefully they can get you in for an early scan. Got my fingers crossed for you - maybe thats all that you need to put your mind at rest.
I started the postnatal group because the support on here is fantastic and its helped me hugely already - didnt want to lose that network once none of us are antenatal anymore!

Re: boob massage, just beware of doing too much and causing an oversupply. Maybe not more than 2/3 minutes at a time?