Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

flambola you are certainly not a failure my love.. 5 months isn't very long at all
Going back to work is a big step so do it as gradually as you feel comfortable with xx

Tulip just checked in to see this. Really hope you are ok. My doctor said 32 weeks is ok, I know it must be so worrying but you're being closely watched and your baby is at viability now. Hang in there lovely girl. I have been thinking of you loads as we're about the same stage of pregnancy give or take a few days. Lots of rest and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.

flambola I think panic attacks at work are par for the course - I had a few horrible moments of feeling overwhelmed with grief after coming back to work 8 weeks after my little guy died and had to go home early several times in tears. It is horrible crying in front of colleagues but at the same time it can be helpful to remind them that you are not ok and they need to be gentle with you. Part of it is how bullshit it is that you're there at work, dealing with crap and office politics, instead of at home with your baby, as you ought to be.

Tight squeezes to everyone else - hope you're all doing as ok as it's possible to be, and being well looked after.

I am finding these last weeks of pregnancy really hard. Lots of tears. I guess part of it was that everything was so normal and fine, right up until 39 + 3, last time. My little boy was moving around the day he died so counting the kicks doesn't calm me down much. But just got to hang in there. Love to all.

tulip just caught up on the thread and seen what an ordeal you have been going through. Hope you are doing ok, keeping everything crossed for you.

flambola sorry to hear you have had a tough time at work. There are no rules when it comes to grief so be kind to your self, I hope you start to feel better soon.

Well I have my booking on Monday, looking forward to having an idea about my care. To be honest I don't feel pregnant, I know I'm only 6 weeks and I'm being silly but I'm terrified I won't bond with this baby. I look back on my pregnancy with A as such a special time. I bonded with her and it was the only time we had. I want to do the same this time (just in case it's the only time I have) but so far I feel numb, just hope that changes. Writing it down makes me realise jow stupid it sounds!

Hope everyone else is doing well.

tulip how are you doing? Sending you positive thoughts x

flambola pregnancy fills you full of sickness and hormones and makes us less 'resilient' emotionally to stuff we would normally take in out stride. Take it as gently as you can. I really hope your work will be understanding. Easing yourself back in part time sounds like a good idea, if you can sort it, but if you are still being sick then it's maybe not the best time to try.

Ellie I felt the same as you about not bonding, although I do have faith I'll bond eventually, but it's coming really really slowly. I'm starting to feel movements and that is making me connect. Until that - nothing. 1st Trimester felt like a massive uphill battle of feeling awful without the excitement of thinking 'it'll all be worthwhile, I'm having a baby!'. I think it's a coping mechanism. Definitely doesn't sound stupid.

Had my scan today, and everything is fine and normal. I was exhausted after with the relief - think my anxiety had been building up over the last couple of days. Apparently he's got a very big head, so I'm glad I'm having a C-section!

Sorry Critter I missed you! Big hugs. Will they induce you this time, so you don't have to get as far as 39+3? (sorry if you've already told us!).

Glad things are uneventful at the mo tulip. A person I knew had a stillbirth, then had a section at 33 weeks, the baby was absoloutely fine! Just spent a short time in scbu, not very long. But is a happy healthy baby now

April I think it can be therapeutic, it's like for a short moment the worry buggers off!

Flambola, how awful for you I can totally relate to how your feeling. I don't know if you remember but on my first day back there was hardly anyone in the office, my second day back the office was full and I had (what I later found out to be) a panic attack and had to go home too. Absoloutely awful feeling, it hasn't been long for you either. It's like we have the 'safe people' who we know, know what happened so we know they won't bring it up. But the thing I found tricky was knowing whether other people knew what happened or if they would say anything. Are you doing a phased return? Maybe that will be better for you? Doing a couple of short days until you get into it.

Critter what are your appt like now? I was offered monitoring daily around that stage if I remember correctly.

Ellie it doesn't sound stupid at all, I think your feelings are very normal, it's almost as if your protecting yourself because of fear of bonding with another baby and then something going wrong isn't it.

Great news about the scan town! And good choice with the section! I think I will never squeeze such a massive baby out of my hoohaa ever again!

X

Ellie great that you have your booking in. I think those feelings of fear are normal, as Ducky says it is self protection- but you will love this baby with all your heart and you're an amazing mum already.

Towns great news that your section will be set up and that your baby is looking healthy and strapping. He will be so squishable and cute I am sure!

Bless you for asking. My section is booked for 39 weeks on July 9. They moved the date around on me and I won't be the first appointment of the day now which for some irrational reason really upset me (my consultant originally told me we would be first). I'm going to talk to him about why we are going for 39 instead of 38... Sounds weird and I don't want him out too early if it will be bad for him but these last weeks are so bloody stressful because as we all sadly know it could all go wrong even after the baby is at a stage where he or she would survive in the NICU.

Ducky I'm having weekly non stress tests and monthly growth ultrasounds and seeing doc every 2 weeks until 36 weeks, then it's weekly. Everything looks ok with this baby so I guess they don't want to give me more appointments than I 'need'. But everything looked ok with J too. Until it wasn't ok. Anyway - how are you doing? How is your little man?

Ellie I meant to add, you will love the baby still! I was very much like you, couldn't bond. But when he was here, I'm in love with him!

Critter he's ok thank you still getting over a cold/cough and has a thing about waking up at 5am every day but he's doing well! We saw the dietitian the other day who said he needs food ASAP due to his appetite I want to do blw so put some banana infront of him, he quickly picked it up and got it straight into his mouth, he was sucking it and then sucked a big chunk down so I went into panic mode! It quickly came back up though. So scary!

X

flambola sorry to hear about your panic attack, i hope those feelings have quietened a little for you. You're not a failure at all, be kind to yourself

critter sending you big hugs for these final weeks. Personally i'm already worried about how i'll be toward the end as the anxiety is getting worse already.

ellie your feelings don't sound stupid at all- i remember feeling much the same when i for my bfp; it seemed everyone else was all excited and i initially didn't have any feelings one way or another. I've found i seem to feel a bit more hopeful/excited after every scan, or when we've heard a nice strong heartbeat.

AFM had a couple of trying days. I'm so tired at the moment, and the little madam has taken to lying in very awkward positions which is in turn causing me pain (poor dh found me in tears of pain on Thursday evening and sat and rubbed my bump until she'd moved bless him.

Hi ladies sorry to have been so quiet for so long.
Sorry to hear of all the struggles that have happened. Hope you're ok Tulip.

Flambola going back to work is always going to be stressful adding into it the stress of being pregnant and it's no wonder you've had some anxiety problems. I'm much more anxious about everything this time, when I'm at work I worry I've left the oven on at home or something and when I'm home I worry I've given a patient at work the wrong drug or made a bad decision.

Apart from anxiety we are patiently waiting for my 20 week scan which is on Friday, keen to find out what we are having although neither of us is really sure what we'd prefer. I think we want to know so we have time to get used to it and feel a bit bonded with the little one. Not really got any kind of bump so keep forgetting that I'm pregnant. My colleague is 3 weeks ahead of me and has a beautiful bump so very jealous!! I'm being interviewed by a counsellor from St Marys hospital in London for an hour and a half before my scan as she is trying to introduce NHS counselling for pregnancy loss and wants some evidence that it helps. Not sure I have enough to say for 90 minutes but if it helps other families it's got to be worth doing.

Hope everyone else is doing OK

lake we too weren't overly bothered about whether wanting a boy or a girl- i only asked because Jessie has wanted a sister for ages and i wanted to be able to tell her if we could. I've got a bump when i'm stood up, but not so much of one when i'm sat down/laid down and i'm 24+5 now. I hope the counsellor's session is helpful too x

Hi,

'A's little brother was born in the early hours of this morning just shy of 4 pounds and nearly at 33 weeks.
He was on CPAP to start off with but is not on anything now and doing amazingly well. I am absolutely shattered and this all feels so surreal. He looks just like his older brother and has absolutely taken our breath away. We are in transitional care, the special care staff are absolutely amazing. I have also managed to express a couple of ml of colostrum already!

I will try and return for a better update. Thinking of you all and thank you so much for your support.

Oh my little!!! Well done! How are you feeling? Really really thinking of you and your little man xxx

So sorry I'm crap with words! 4lb for 33 weeks sounds good! And great news he's doing well himself! X

Tulip congratulations. 33 weeks is still a good gestation, my doctor told me to aim for 30 weeks on the basis that that was a good gestation so you've well and truly beaten that!

Hope you're feeling ok, sounds like you're getting brilliant care. Thinking of you and keep us updated when you can x

Tulip! That is amazing news. So happy for you and your DH and sending love to your gorgeous two boys. Xxx

Congratulations tulip. Here is hoping that your little man gets out of there quickly with you. Rest up and enjoy the experience! Awesome news to be off the CPAP already, just be warned, our little one was off it pretty quick as well, nurses described him as a stubborn little thing as he didn't like it.....he is still as stubborn as a mule today!

Oh wow Tulip! That's fab news, glad he's doing well! Huge congrats to you and your family. I'm so chuffed for you, take care! Xxx

tulip what lovely news- Congratulations! Your little man sounds like he's doing fab, which is brilliant. Much love to you all xx

tulip so so pleased for you, amazing news! Hope you've managed to get some rest so you can properly enjoy spending time with your little boy. Congratulations to all the family xx

Oh tulip what incredible news! I'm feeling super emotional about this, not sure why, but this is truly wonderful. I'm so glad the worry is over and he is well. Huge huge hugs xxx

madem funny you say that, I was feeling pretty emotional about it too! So relieved for you tulip

And me! hence the crazy double reply! so glad someone else said it, I thought I was just being wierd!

Congratulations Tulip!! So pleased that he's doing so well, I'm really hoping you get a nice easy ride through the next few weeks and get him home soon. You must be so overwhelmed with emotion.

I felt emotional too! I woke up my DH to tell him. He was a bit .

Has anyone else had bad morning sickness? I've lost 5lb in 2 weeks. Normally, I'd be quite pleased but not this time.

Also, thanks everyone for the kind words and advice regarding my return to work. I'm going to try to take it easy on myself.