Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well and everyones rainbow babies are happy and healthy. I didn't realise how long it has been since I had posted. To be honest I've been finding things tough and sticking my head in the sand!

It was dd's birthday 30th Sep and hardly anyone remembered, I felt so sad, angry and let down on her behalf. It has made me feel very lonely and I feel like we don't have many 'friends' or family that actually care. Then we are going through restructure at work and I was going to have to reinterview for my job and take a whole load of tests which has meant I've made the difficult decision to go on my maternity early at 32 weeks to avoid the stress of interview and redundancy. I'm just working through the guilt of that as it means I've cheated my way into keeping a job and someone may lose out because of this.

So I'm 28+4 and I'm counting down the weeks now. Can't wait until my next appointment as I want to discuss my options re induction. I want him here asap but not at the cost of his health.

Hope everyone has had a lovely weekend and is coping well

Ellie I'm sorry few people remembered DD's birthday . Please don't feel guilty about taking your maternity leave, you are doing all you can to protect your family at the moment. The stress of redundancy is one that you don't need on top of everything else. Less than a month till maternity leave starts!
Afm stressful weekend which I will fill you all in on later, I just wanted to check in before I go for a sleep.
hope everyone else is well

Flambola huge good luck for Wednesday. I will be thinking of you and your little James, and your husband and your rainbow. Sending lots of love for a safe delivery.

Ellie definitely don't feel guilty. 32 weeks is actually not that early for maternity leave, especially given you are probably high risk and also the emotions that come with a post-loss pregnancy. My rainbow was born at 36 weeks so you may find that you aren't even on mat leave for that long. Also, happy birthday to your precious little girl.

3little hope you're doing ok and that you're managing to cope with things. It is hard hard hard being pregnant after losing a child. Thinking of you and hoping your weekend wasn't too awful.

Good evening all :)

flambola wooo for Wednesday! Sending you love & best wishes for tonight, tomorrow and for whenever you may need it :)

Lovely to hear an update on April & Lake - hope all is going well for them and their babies.

Ellie I'm so sorry that your little ones birthday wasn't acknowledged by family/friends - did you raise it with them afterwards?
Sounds like you did the absolutely right thing re:maternity - sometimes you've got to think of you & yours first, your situation being one of them!

AFM, having a rainbow baby wasn't all it was cracked up to be, which sounds ridiculous because it's all I wanted for so long. I finally got my second (living) child which I'd been working towards for two and a half years (including Ivy's pregnancy & death), and It was all a bit overwhelming & underwhelming at the same time.

I have postnatal anxiety which I'm on propranolol for (worked wonders thankfully) as I had back to back panic attacks the week we brought him home & I couldn't hold him for fear of him triggering another. It's bloody hard to get an appt at my Drs for the same day but she couldn't get me in quick enough when I started crying so hard I couldn't say my own name - so embarrassing looking back on it but I couldn't help it. Bloody awful.

I never had Eddie to replace my daughter, but it's hard to shift that feeling because he wouldn't exist if she had lived - almost as if I'd have chosen her over him - another thing to feel guilty about!

This past week I've actually felt a lot more bonded to my little one & he's doing really well :) as I hope everybody else is! It was munchkins due date today but he's 5 weeks old tomoro - actually gone quite quickly since he's been home :)

Well wishes to you all & the next time I check in we'll have another baby amongst the ranks! Xxx

3little sorry to hear you've had a stressful weekend - hope you week is better Xxx

Flambola only one day left :D come on tiny girl we are all routing for you and your mummy.

Winter, I am sorry to hear ithe first few weeks have been so difficult. I think what you are feeling is completely understandable with what we have gone through. I really appreciate you sharing with us, it is good to at least have an idea what we may face. At the moment, being pregnant, I just want to hold my baby. There is the danger of thinking everything will be easier when he is born. But then when I lost Azra I had those same thoughts about becoming pregnant. That, if only I could give myself something to hope for it would help to fill that gaping hole that was left when she died. In reality becoming pregnant made it so much harder, because the grief and the size of the hole didn't change it just added in a whole extra set of things to worry about. I imagine when our rainbows are born it is much the same.

Critter lovely to hear from you too, I hope all is well with you.

Afm, my dd (6) was thrown from a horse on Saturday morning and broke her arm so badly. I carried her in my arms into A&E and her little arm was a mess, I flopped it over her tummy and tried my hardest to walk as gently as I was she was telling my she was tired and I was absolutely terrified. As soon as I got in A&E I yelled for help and someone brought a wheelchair for me to sit in cradling her while they pushed us to the children's A&E as soon as we got there the Dr took one look at her and sent her to resuscitation.
They gave her some painkiller up her nose and also gave her gas and air and cut off her clothes. Her little arm was a mess. I am not normally squeamish but I had to look away I found it so distressing. So I just bent down and lay my head next to hers and tried my best to comfort her. I found the sound of the gas and air such a trigger. I hear it in my flashbacks and to hear it again filled my heart full of dread.
They took an X-ray and came back and said they need to send her for an emergency operation to try and save the circulation and nerves because her elbow was in bits. The Dr was telling me all of the risks of the surgery and anaesthetic. There was a chance she would lose her arm. And all I kept saying is I can't lose another child . I was just so scared. He kept trying to tell me that the surgeons do this all of the time, and the risks are small, but as you ladies know, even the tiniest risk is very much a possibility for us because that 1:1000 had ask ready happened to us and we have to live with the devastation of that every single day.
Thankfully the surgery went well and we are now out of hospital. Her arm looks good for now but we won't know for sure the lasting effects untill they take out the wires and she is finished with all of her casts. She has lost sensation in her little finger, although she can feel pain, it came back for a little while but then went again. The other fingers have feeling though and can be wriggled. They said with an elbow injury it is common to be left with reduced mobility and also because of how the bones broke they may no longer grow and so she might need further opperations as she grows, I am keeping everything crossed she will be ok. The important thing she and her arm are home.
I am drained and feel very scared of what else we might face. I was in a car crash a few weeks ago too and I am really getting sense of being cursed or punished or something. My anxiety is through the roof. I can't take any more. After the crash my friend said 'you can't write this shit,' and she was so right. Now this! Everyone keep saying to me, 'I bet you can't wait for 2015 to be over' and while this year has been the hardest of my life it was also the year that I help my little Azra in my arms. To lose that will be like losing her just that little bit more .

Oh 3little, what a shit time!! Your poor daughter, although I'm so pleased she's ok and have my fingers crossed for a good recovery for her arm. Is there any way you can get some support for your anxiety? This is so much for you to be going through. You're definitely not cursed though, you don't deserve any of this and it is not a bad omen. You sound like an incredible mother, you really do. I know what you mean about losing the year your baby was born in, I sobbed my heart out NYE and didn't want it to happen. As time goes on I feel like I lose him a little more, but also I'm starting to find him again, and the joy of him, not just the pain. I keep mixing up ds and this little one ( another boy), which I'm now used to but it was really distressing. Take care of yourself 3, you and your family deserve your baby. (and tell that moaning woman to fuck off, scuse my language. She's an arsehole)

flambola absolutely good luck for tomorrow, I'm thinking of you and am so excited for you. Sending vibes your way xxxx

ellie I shouldn't feel guilty at all, you're doing what's best for you and getting to keep your job in the meantime. If you didn't do it, someone else would. And happy birthday to your beautiful one. I felt that if my baby had been alive his 1st birthday would have been huge, but no one seemed to recognise that his death shouldn't make a difference to it. It sucks doesn't it?

AFM I've been a bit awol as I've been head in the sand and trying to cope. Things are going well, bubs is kicking beautifully. We had our final scan at 25 weeks yesterday, which had left us feeling quite confused and a bit stressed, even though I'm now classed as low risk and in community midwife care. My cervix measured at 2.3cm,which is a good cm less that it should be. My Dr kept saying that they wouldn't want to circlage until it's under 2cm and I'm a bit too far along for that anyway. We're on a sex and orgasm ban at least until 28-30 weeks (although I'm not sure I'm ever going to have sex again after we ended up in the hospital with bleeding last week!) and on strict instructions to come in if we have any concerns. But I did some (probably foolish) research and I'm more at risk of preterm labour with that length of cervix, so am trying not to panic, at the same time as thinking that she's discharged me from consultant care so she mustn't be too worried... What do you think?

3little oh my goodness! What a horrible thing for you & your DD to go through. You've had a bloody hard time of it recently by the sounds of it - hope things pick up for you soon! Xxx

Thank you all for your support.

Haquoi I think if they have discharged you, they must feel very happy with you. With our history I don't think they'd take the risk. Saying that, and I don't know if it is because I am actually verging of a bag of nerves, if you feel anything which makes you feel a bit unsure or uncomfortable, get yourself in to be checked. Did they think the bleeding was just down to the cervix getting a bit bumped? Our precious rainbows are both viable now, they have to help them, if they come early, and every day extra is a day in their favour. I will keep my fingers crossed for a chunky, stubborn cervix for you.
Flambola my very best wishes for you tomorrow my lovely, may all of our beautiful angels be by your side bringing you peace and comfort, as you welcome your beautiful daughter into the world.

Thinking swift and happy thoughts for you Flambola

Thanks 3little. I've had a chat with a few people and decided that I trust their decision and will carry on as normal but keep an eye out and go in for any worries at all. They called me back in for a test yesterday to check my waters hadn't gone, but all's good so far, so that has been very reassuring. I've also done a little bit of research on what happens with premature births, will pack a little hospital bag and then continue on my path of blinkered positivity and see what happens. Always good to have a plan!

Thinking of you today flambola xx

Definately good to have a plan. A very dear friend of mine had her little boy at 26 weeks and he is as fit as anyone and the most adorable little cheeky chops I have ever seen. He has a mischievous smile but the face of an angel

Thinking of you Flambola

Love to all

(BabyTulip is officially 5 months old and teething! )

Hello everyone. Baby Flambola is here! born on the 28th October and weighing 9lbs.

Went in to be induced and had my cervix checked. Midwife went to get a second opinion from consultant as believed me to already be 5cm dilated. Consultant confirmed I was 6cm! Went to labour ward immediately and contractions started. Had an epidural, waters were broken and had her a few hours later. So she was 37+6 but totally ready to meet us!

So overwhelmed with all sorts of conflicting emotions at the moment but completely in love with her!!

Thank you for all your thoughts and well wishes. Love to you all. Xxx

Flambola, Congratulations of your tiny little rainbow girl the birth sounds perfect! And 9lbs is such a good weight for 37+6. The conflicting emotions, I guess, are part of the course my lovely. So please be gentle with yourself, and if you are having a harder day just remind yourself what you have been through these past 10 months and tell yourself your actually doing really well considering.

Wonderful news Flambola! Congratulations

Fantastic news flambola, I'm so so pleased for you

Yay Flambola! And wow at 9lbs 37 week little girl - that is an excellent weight, well done you!

Waves to little tulip! Think of you often xx

Great news flambola!!!!

And at you getting to 6cm already!

Ooh does that make Haquoi next? (though clearly not until your ready Haquoi)

Ooh! I think ellie is a couple of weeks ahead of me though. Exciting! When are you due 3little, we're a couple of days apart aren't we? I'm 6th feb

Ooh I'm 9th! Which I'm hoping means the 26th jan if they keep their promise and induce me two weeks early. So Ellie is next

Oh god it is me next! I'm due 13th Jan but they said I could be induced any time from 16th Dec. Time is going sooo slowly! Hope everyone is ok, I've been so tired and sore recently I haven't been doing much of anything. Feel like I have been losing touch with the thread....must try harder! I don't know whether anyone else feels like this but I just feel very antisocial at the moment. I don't want to meet with friends or family and just want to be at home with dh. Really should make more of an effort. I hope everyone is ok and getting the extra monitoring they have been promised.

Hi Ellie, I think the antisocial thing is normal, I think it is your way of protecting your reserves for where they are needed. Still, glad to see you here though. 16th of December is doable my lovely, it is pretty much just a month away! What is their plan of action for you? Did they say yet? What are your feelings about everything? Would you rather be induced sooner or later?
Afm I'm quite teary at the moment. Dd is home with her broken arm, plus I'm without a car so I can't go to Azra's grave. I feel very much like I can't find a balance between being a good mummy to all of my children, whether they be live, Angels or rainbows.
Haquoi hope you are having a peaceful time, and to all of the mummies with rainbows I hope you are also all having a peaceful time to you all

3little sorry to hear you've been having a tough time, try not to be too hard on your self. I hope your daughters arm is healing well and she isn't in too much pain.

I have a consultant appointment in 2 weeks so think they will discuss it then. I'm going to try and hold on to 38 weeks I think, I'm worried about the link between early induction and higher risk of c-section and the fact his lungs wouldn't be fully mature. Then again, the closer I get the more I just want him out as soon as.

Hope everyone is doing well.