Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Winter, that's the way I am with the pregnancy photos. I love to look at the pictures of when Azra was born. I miss her, but I love seeing her too. But the pregnancy photos, what little there are, are just far too painful. Like you say we were just so happy and unaware of what was to come. In the pictures she would have been alive too. I almost wish I could warn the me in the pictures.

3little I'm exactly the same with pregnancy photos!! Especially the fact that she would have been alive. I didn't take many pictures this time around at all.

I think we're all doing really bloody well to have lost our precious babies & to have the resilience to go through another pregnancy/delivery with the hope of a better outcome.

Can I just say Azra is a beautiful name :)

I never wrote the name of my babies on here for fear of being recognised, but i'm pretty recognisable anyway if you read my posts..
We named my daughter Ivy Florence- she was the most beautiful, chubby baby :)

And this little one is named Eddie Quinn. I wanted Quinn as a first name but my husband vetoed it ha! He was nameless for over a week in NICU as I just couldn't see him as an Eddie but when he moved into a cot we finally named him, much to the delight of my family, but more so the NICU nurses & Drs - I was asked every day if we'd named him yet! Ha.

Hope everybody has a wonderful day :)

Winter, I don't think I've said congratulations, have I?! So, congratulations on the birth of Eddie! ... that's such a cute name, by the way.

Kayleigh, glad to hear Shayla-Jade's doing much better, I hope she continues to gain weight for you.

I had a consultant appointment today - I don't have an official induction date booked but he said basically that I'll have weekly scans, and on the 21st he'll check my cervix to see if it's favourable for an induction (? I think that's what he said) and if so, it'd be in the next couple of days after that. He said that won't let me go over 38 weeks for my sanity (which would be the 29th). So, 2-3 weeks left for me.

I also had a 3d scan and her little face was so squished, it was adorable. She's estimated at about 6lbs 2oz, so a little above average - James was on the 99th centile!

I hope everyone is ok. Thanks for your kind words 3little, you're always so wise.

Ah Ivy Florence and Eddie Quinn they're the kind of names that make me want to squidge them! Do they look similar to each other?
Flambola 2-3 weeks is very doable! Am I allowed to do a tiny squeal? Keeping in mind I have at least 16 and need something to keep me going I can only imagine how hard it must be in the final weeks but we are all here for you and routing for you and your little lady with her squishey little face.
When all of these healthy little rainbows are born we should do something to mark the occasion. Maybe make something with all of our angels and rainbows on, just to serve as a memory of all of us brave and amazing ladies being there for quite possibly the hardest times of our lives, and getting each other through

Eddie looked more like his brother when he was born (grandad style hair - all around the back).. His nose is a mix between Ivy's & Theo's but that's about it I think - he has his own little look going on :)

flambola thank you. Not long left for you at all! (Although it can feel like forever when you're so close!). Can't wait to hear the news of your little ones arrival so I'll keep checking in.

3little lovely idea :) not quite sure on what to suggest though! Xx

He sounds adorable
I also have no idea what we could do, to celebrate our angels and rainbows, either! Maybe a cave painting
Love to all of you amazing ladies x

I just wanted to let you guys know that April and Lake have had their babies!

I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for me to tell you all mind but I thought you'd like to know, what with some of you forgetting your FB logins .

Well, I'm next! I could have a baby next week . I am on edge as I still can't quite believe it might happen.

Hope you're all well. Xx

Yey! Pass on my congratulations. I hope everything went well with them. Did they give you a date or plan of action or anything Flambola? A week is very achievable my lovely hang on in there.
Afm, I feel like I am going slightly nuts, my dreams are horrific every night and I'm counting down the days until I can see the maternity psychologist again. I am convinced some thing is going to go wrong and my heart is racing constantly. Any body else go through this?

I will do!

I believe Lake had quite a long induction but the baby is here safe and sound.

April had a bit of a scary time and the baby arrived early (35 weeks I think) but he's doing ok as far as I know!

AFM, I have no specific date I'm afraid! It's just a case of waiting on my cervix. I'm feeling very detached from my body now, it's a strange feeling. I mean, I can't sleep unless I'm so exhausted I eventually just collapse and I'm constantly monitoring her movements but I also feel like I'm kind of floating above my body.

Thank you for that thread in AIBU - it was so lovely, and sad. I hope you're doing ok? How far along are you now?

Flambola, I am just hoping that this time speeds by for you. I wonder if the floaty feeling is your body's way of protecting you from the full force of the stress. I hope so. I think I would be the same with the monitoring movements and at least it gives you something to focus on. If you a struggling and feel like you need to go in just for peace of mind, please do so, don't struggle alone.
Have you been to the delivery suite? I have my psychologist appointment yesterday and she said that she is going to take me there before they induce me, and DH if we can convince him.
Lean on us as much as you need to my lovely, I feel a bit useless at the minute and will happily be an ear for you.
Afm 23+3 I had a car crash the day before yesterday we are ok but I did have a bit of a melt down on the scene and an ambulance was called to try and calm me down. It is just a stress I could have done without but the baby is ok and so I feel lucky.

Oh my God 3, how horrific, I'm so glad you and baby are ok! Do you feel lots of movement yet?

Yes, I think this is my minds way of coping but it's an utterly bizarre feeling. It has been suggested that I go in to the labour ward to have a look round but I know that with my personality type it would just make things worse for me. I would rather just have to deal with it when I have to deal with it otherwise it will become a huge obstacle for me to overcome.

I hope it cam help you though. Why does your DH not want to go in?

Xx

Flambola I can understand you not wanting to go in. I guess when you are in labour, you will have the labour to focus on which will help.
I think DH will be reluctant to go in because he'd find it hard to see how it would change anything. My worry is that all of those feelings he has managed to squash down will have no choice but to surface during the birth, just becuase it will bring back so many memories. I will be ok I have no choice but to get through it but if I see him struggling it will break my heart. It will feel as if I am doing it to him I sort of need to know how he will handle being there, before we are there as daft as that sounds.
As for movements, my placenta is at the front which masks a lot. If the kicks are very low or high and to my right I can feel them. Which I am finding more reasuring than I thought it would. I just need these last 15 weeks to fly by, the constant fear is exhausting.
You and your family are very much in my thoughts my lovely I am hoping that you will have your little rainbow in your arms very soon.
Hello to the rest of you ladies, I hope you are all doing well.

I'm in such a foul mood at the moment. I'm so frightened and exhausted.

I wish I could help you with the fear 3, but I have no advice! All I can say is that it doesn't go away... not for me, anyway - and that's not helpful, is it?!

I'm really struggling today with sadness for my angel. I had to sit through dd1s ballet lesson listening to a mum, who knows my baby was stillborn, because she was there when I came in the week after it happened, sobbing my heart out as I had to tell people why I no longer had a bump or a baby (although she has never mentioned my precious angel and changes the subject when I mention her) go on about how hard it is having a newborn becuase she never gets to sleep. I just feel so jealous, and I know that sounds terrible. I really wanted to tell her, that when a baby dies you don't sleep anyway becuase your body is waking up wanting to feed that baby even though it isn't there, and then there are the flashbacks and nightmare and panic attacks to deal with. I'd take the sleepless nights you get with a newborn anyway over this. Could she have forgotton about my tiny girl so quickly?

Oh God what an insensitive woman. Next time, just tell her. Say you would rather have those sleepless nights with a newborn than what actually happened.

I wish I could give you a big hug.

This is one of those things that I find really hard. That because there's no evidence of it, people forget that we laboured and we had babies but they're unfortunately not with us.

Thank you for understanding, I think I was emotionally drained by the time I got to bed last night, I actually had a lovely nights sleep and dreamt of holding Azra .
Hope today is a good one for you x

So pleased to hear about April and Lake, Flambola. Was checking here to see how you were all doing. Hope you are doing ok as you wait for your little one, it is terribly anxiety inducing.

Three - what you wrote about waking up in the night is so true. I also struggle a lot with people telling me
all about sleep deprivation etc. Having now had a living baby as well as one that died I can guarantee that the latter is a hell of a lot worse and you sleep just as terribly if not more badly! Sometimes I look back and can't believe I survived it. The grief, the leaking engorged boobs, the panic attacks... I am sorry that woman said that to you.

All well here. My rainbow was christened on Sunday and it was really special. The vicar mentioned my first son in the prayers and we had the same psalm that we had at his funeral. It was so happy and so sad at the same time, but mostly I just felt so much gratitude to finally have a living healthy little boy.

Love to all of you amazing mums and your precious angels. You are extraordinary brave women although I know you never had any choice in going through this.

Critter, that sounds lovely the way DS was included in the service what a really special way to have him there with you and acknowledged.

Ellie and Haquoi I hope you are both doing well x

Critter, sounds like the service was lovely.

Wish me luck for this morning. Hopefully I'll be given a date when I can go in to be induced. I would never have thought that I'd one day be lying in bed hoping my cervix is soft.

Ooh Flambola the very best of good luck, I am hoping you'll go in and sneeze her out just before they check your cervix or at the very least they'll give you a really close date. Wow! I can remember when Azra died and you were being so supportive to me, and you mentioning you were pregnant again, and now look you are going to be holding her in your arms in next to no time! I am sure to both of us it is amazing to find ourselves so many months on from then.

I'm booked in for Wednesday! I'm so glad I have a date to focus on. On Sunday I'll be the same gestation I lost James. Funnily enough, exactly the same date as well. Well, not funny but you know what I mean.

I can't believe how quickly this has all gone. Soon it'll be your turn 3. It is totally amazing though, you're right. I certainly didn't think I'd get this far, I don't know about you.

Woohooo! WEDNESDAY is a good day One day at a time and you will get there. What a coincidence about the Sunday being the same day and gestation with little James. I imagine that must be quite something to get your head around. I'll be thinking of you extra much for Sunday.
Did they have a plan of action, regarding what they will do, how long they will keep you in for, if they'll give you your own room etc? I got butterflies in my tummy reading your post!
How are you going to spend your next week? Do you have anything planned to help you get through? Feel free to ignore all of my questions

Well, basically I'll go in on Wednesday, they'll insert the pessary, leave that to do its business, and then switch to the drip if my cervix has softened enough and labour hasn't started. The unit I'm on is all individual rooms thankfully but we have to stay in to be monitored if we have a pessary. So I'm hoping it's not a long induction. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the next week! I need to tidy the nursery a bit and I've been helping my sister who had an op last week. Also been doing some painting and crocheting but I don't know how effective that is in distracting me anymore.

Do you have any idea what will be happening with you when the time comes?

Sounds like a plan. I am sort of hoping that because you gave birth to James so recently your body will be ready for action.
All I know so far is they will induce me after 38 weeks (I think I will struggle if they try to push it back any further) but my consulatant left to go on maternity leave, I meet a new one tomorrow but I don't know if that is the one I keep or if it is just one who is doing my appointment.
I am so excited for you! Although I know you must be all over the place yourself and I can only imagine at this stage what it must be like. You ladies are the only ones I get to feel happy for. Even people I have been really close to, who have delivered since Azra died, I have struggled with, but with you and your rainbow babies all of those mixed up sad feelings don't come. I feel a bit like the old me again. Thank you