Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Eurgh for the mishap ellie but really pleased the midwife could reassure you. Your boy sounds wonderful. Like 3little I've been thinking about you all day. Will be thinking of you tomorrow as well!

My braxton hicks, or whatever they are, got worse so we were sent up to the hospital this afternoon. I spent the 40 minute drive in tears and trying not to get hysterical - I went into hospital this time last year. They've checked the baby who is fine and cervix is fine and they've done a swab, but I'm still getting tightenings. They've told me to eat more fibre and keep an eye out for short, regular and painful tightenings rather than the long ones I've been getting. Luckily we left just before the time that I would have arrived last year. I'm exhausted though, emotionally drained and not at all reassured. It all feels futile. DH was a star but I think he's in shock.

Sorry I've not answered any of the lovely posts you others have made, I'll do a catch up one when I'm more with it!

Oh Haquoi hang on in there. It must be so hard on you going through this so close to tomorrow. Do you have and special plans to mark the day? If you'd feel happier being in hospital just so you aren't on your own don't feel bad about 'being a pain'. They are there to help you. The lovely midwife I broke down on the other day said I should call her whenever I need reassurance. I warned her she might end up having to move in! I think given what we have all been through they neec to reasure you in whichever way will help you most. Not just physically but emotionally too. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers and I will light a candle for your little angel tomorrow.

Ellie I am so glad your midwife was reassuring your little one sounds very tough. Do you think he could have a word with the little one in my tummy and encourage some kicks please? Glad the scan got moved to tomorrow, although it is a pain that they messed it up for today. Will DH be able to come with you?

Town wow the 21st is really close I am so excited for you. I have my 20 week scan on the 24th just think by then you will have your little bundle all snug in your arms .

Quick question ladies, I have also posted this on the facebook page.....for those whose rainbows have arrived or are currently in delivery planning mode...what is everyone going for? Ds1 arrived at 33 weeks, after full labour and 2 hours pushing ended up with emcs. With Edie our angel we had VBAC after induction of labour with hormones. Today saw consultant in Manchester, the one for our cave, and it's made me question myself.. I had thought elcs for definite, at 37 weeks, but they mentioned induction with a balloon method. Don't know what to do for best... Thoughts and opinions grately welcomed x

Oooh what is balloon method?
For me they want me to be induced after 38 weeks preferably 39 weeks (which in my mind I'm taking as 38, I just don't feel like I could hang on in there without going slightly nuts) my angel was 40+5.
They said if I did go elc it would be definately no earlier than 39 weeks. Induction it is then.
Which would you feel happiest with? I guess that is one of the most important things.

Just a quick message to say I'll be thinking of you and your angel today haquoi. I hope the bh have stopped and you're able to have a peaceful day thinking of your lo

Thinking of you and your angel today haquoi, hope you have a peaceful day full of memories and love.

Vicky, I'm having a planned CS at 39 weeks - my consultant would not do it earlier unless I show signs of going into labour. And I have no choice - I have to have a CS due to my classical CS with Grace.

I'm having a bit of a tough day emotionally today. It's my 5th working day on mat leave, and my first when I have nothing in the calendar. Ok, so I have stuff I could do, but nothing I have to do, and its just reminding me of being on maternity leave with no baby. Except I'm less mobile than last time so can't even go for long walk to clear my head.
2 of my NCT group, and my SIL, and lots of preggie-yoga friends, have all had their babies in the last 2 weeks. They are all saying how wonderful it is, and I just want to be happy for them and full of the excitement of meeting my little boy. But I just feel bored and sad. I just can't get excited, and I'm mourning my missed 3rd trimester with my angel girl - it's something I will never be able to experience.
Work does have it's uses - its a wonderful distraction.

Hi town sorry to hear you've had a bad day. I can imagine it is hard getting to that stage and having so much time to think doesn't help. Just take it day by day, another day passed is another step closer to meeting your lo

Well we had the heart scan today and his heart is healthy! they are confident it isn't Edwards or Patau although they couldn't say the same regarding downs. We have decided against the amnio but we have another anomoly scan Tue and will decide from there whether to have the harmony test. Feel much more positive now.

Thanks for all of the lovely thoughts, I really appreciate it.

ellie I'm so so pleased to hear the good news! You must be so relieved.

town I'm thinking of you, it must be really hard. Can you distract yourself with a good book or get into a new TV series?

I actually had a better day than I was expecting. I think I'd cried myself out yesterday and was so drained that I didn't get my usual flashbacks and was able to sleep. We wrote down a plan of things we wanted to do with the proviso that we didn't have to do anything, but at least we'd planned something. We bought some things in town and got him a baby book and a bouquet of flowers - there's a lake that we go to, about 40 minutes away, where we had his memorial and it's our place for him, so we laid the flowers there. It's actually stunningly beautiful so I feel quite comforted when we go. Had we had ashes we would have spread them there.

Oh Haquoi that sounds so lovely. I am glad today was a better day than oy expected. You both, and your angel deserved it to be as beautiful as you described.
Ellie so pleased that the scan went well for you. I hope the next anomaly scan is as possitive an experiance too, and that the rest of your pregnancy can carry on as boringly as possible
Town I am sorry your day was a hard one, if you are feeling low tomorrow I will try to check in on here just so you know you are not alone. Thinking of you, not long now x

haquoi that sounds like a beautiful thing to do to remember your little angel. It's a year for us on Sunday and we haven't a clue what to do for the best.

ellie I'm so glad that the majority of things have come back today for you, must be such big relief and hopefully everything else will fall into place next scan! Fingers crossed

town I reckon you and I are due for same times. My first day of maternity official leave today as well, also my DS went back to school today, year 1, so had a similar kind of day to you by the sounds of it! Mine said he'll do section between 37 and 38 so I've taken that as 37. That will be the furthest ive been in 3 pregnancies (fingers crossed that I get there) can't get excited still either, have blankets and stuff to wash, that I was washing just over a years ago... However I just can't face doing them. I figure that once I've got my date for section the day before due to go in I can give all the baby stuff to my mum and mil and ask them to do it and they will bless them then it will all be clean and smelling nice when me and baby get home (again fingers crossed)

Vicki that sounds like a great idea.
Town how is today looking for you? I completely understand what you mean about people having their baby's and you wanting to be happy for them but having this sadness. It is not just the thought of what we are hoping for but also a symbol of what we lost, somehow in pregnancy it is almost like we lose the 'right' to feel like that from the outside world, like all expectations are changed.
Do you like cooking? Maybe if you did you could spend one of the less busy days, doing a big food shop, then making big batches of your favourite meals to freeze. There was a lady on This morning the other day showing how to freeze things flat so you can store loads. In a few little weeks you can tuck into them and enjoy all your efforts, while snuggling up to your precious rainbow.
Maybe you could write to your rainbow, a letter that they can read later, or a story which includes your angel? Or if you are artistic maybe make a picture for their room along the same lines?
I know you aren't as mobile at the moment, so maybe shopping online for up and coming birthdays?
I wish it could be different for you my lovely, for all of us. I wish we could still keep that innocent excitement instead of that sadness and fear, and I wish we could all be there to give you a big hug and just let you know that you are not alone with this.
There will be better days it's just sometimes the hard times outnumber the good and catch us off guard. My bereavement counsellor reassures me that the crappiest of days are actually really important for us, that in those times we do a lot of sorting out of our most painful thoughts and memories and in the long run it will make us all the healthier and happier for it. I'm clinging on to that thought for dear life.
I hope for a better day for you my lovely, and for all of you amazing ladies x

Hi All,
Thank you all for your posts - I'm doing much better today thanks. It's so nice just to be able to rant a bit to you guys, I felt instantly better after posting and even more after your replies. 3little you are a star!
Good to hear all positive news too!
Haquoi, the lake sounds beautiful, definitely a good idea to have a special place of pilgrimage to go and remember your angel.
Ellie, fantastic news about the heart scan too. Sounds like you are heading down the same road as me - one slightly dodgy measurement that is a variation on normal which gives us so much anxiety but is nothing at all. I had my last scan today, and the consultant was very much 'why are you here, everything is fine except for this one little measurement which we've already ruled out as nothing'. That will be you soon!
Vicky, when do you get your CS date? We will be having our rainbows so close together! Brilliant idea to farm the laundry out to your mum, in my experience that's exactly the sort of little task they love, and we hate.
DH is working from home today, after coming with me to the scan, and I've vowed to get some more things in the calendar for next week so I don't have another lonely day.
Happy Friday everyone!

Yey! Town So pleased the scan went well and DH was at home with you.
Arm I poped into actual town to get a few bits and stumbled across some felt hair bands in H&M one with an a rainbow on (for my rainbow) one with a star (for my angel) one with a heart saying 'happy' (as a little reminder to myself when times are hard) and another with a little panda with sad eyes (to pay homage to what I have been through) I bought them, chopped off the elastic and stitched them on to the nappy bag I bought for my angel. I feel as if I have done something little happy and safe to acknowledge this baby. Today is a good day
Wishing you all love x

Glad you're feeling better Town.

And Haquoi, sounds like you had a lovely day yesterday.

Pleased your scan went well Ellie and there are no heart problems. Fingers crossed for Tuesday.

Short and sweet! - thinking of you all xx

How is everyone doing? I've been feeling my lo kicking loads the last few days, it's bloomin' wonderful! I'm so in love! It's been such a relief since ds' birthday, I hadn't realised how much I was dreading it, and for months.

Thinking of you all with a big smile in my heart.

Haquoi lovely to hear everything has been going well and you have been given lots of kicks, I think I might be getting the first few flutters but not too sure.

I'm also thinking of everyone hoping that the quietness is a good sign

Hi everyone,haquoi 3little so pleased the two of you have started to feel movements it's so reassuring isn't it.

Well been for scan with the specialist and the possibilities have changed....AGAIN! After origional discussions with medical staff they pretty much ruled out edwards and patau but said it could be downs (or nothing!) So we turned down amnio, didn't want to risk it. We discussed having a child with downs etc and decided to go for the harmony test to prepare ourselves. Well after todays scan the specialist said it could be downs, (altered my risk to 1:150000) nothing OR a chromosomal rearrangement which is about as broad a spectrum as you can get! After much soul searching we decided to go for the amnio so I have taken a couple of days off work. I'm terrified of miscarriage/the possibility of having a child with profound mental retardation (specialists words) but feel so guilty for having the amnio done. Should get the results in 2 weeks.

Hope everyone else is doing ok, lots of due dates coming up so exciting!

Ellie, I am keeping everything crossed for you. All of these decisions are hard to make anyway, despite the added pressures of what you have already gone through. I guess you can only make the best decision with the information you have at the time, so please try not to second guess the decisions you have made, they have been made with the best intentions and love.
I hope these two weeks will fly by for you, in reality I know they will feel like the longest two weeks, but we are all here for you

Oh ellie, that to-ing and fro-ing sounds awful! Will the amnio just rule out downs or be able to tell you about the other possibilities as well? In terms of amnios, Emily Oster really picks apart the miscarriage risk which comes from studies over 30 years ago. I can't remember the exact stats, but she says it's much much lower than what they tell you it is. I know stats don't necessarily help with the worry (well for me anyway), but the risk is lower. I completely agree with 3little, you're making all your decisions with love, and careful consideration. I absolutely have my fingers crossed for you.

Thank you, i just wish we didn't have to make that choice. If there is a chromosomal rearrangement they will be able to tell exactly what chromosomes and predict what that would mean for his quality of life. The specialist said they have a 1 in 200 stat as opposed to the national 1 in 100. We felt like we weren't left with much of a choice. Luckily he said as I'm quite slim it was easy to do and lo is wriggling around/I'm not getting any pain.

Luckily my family is great I've had to txt dh's dad to actually ask him to chd k how his son is. I am livid. I also told a friend what we were going through and that we had a scan on Tue and heave heard nothing, feeling very let down. At least I've got all of you!

Wishing you all lots of wriggly kicks!

These situations really do test people's reactions don't they? I'm so sorry you've been let down by friends at this point. I have a "friend" who didn't respond for 3 months after ds died and absolutely won't acknowledge his existence. It's not out of malice, just fear, but still... Luckily I don't have to see her much any more, but it was devastating.

How are you and DH doing? Are you still on a day off today?

3 months?! It's awful isn't it, I know some people don't know what to say but I've never been a crying mess infront of anyone so it's not like I make it uncomfortable. A friend had his baby last night, and whilst he had all that going on he's still gone to the effort to let us know before announcing and asking how our scan went, at least I have some good friends!

Dh is a nervous wreck and is suffocating me with all his panicking! (He means well bless him!) I'm ok, it'll go one way or the other, just got to go with it. I had today off anyway due to pointless consultant appointment. They said to take 2 days off but am having the rest of the week and dh insists on taking a day off tomorrow to look after me! If any good has come from this it is that I know dh would do anything for me and we can get through anything together!

Thanks again for thinking of me.

Ellie I am so glad DH is looking after you well. When my little one died I felt so grateful for my DH. I wouldn't want anyone else by my side. I had so many people tell me that it would test us, and possibly cause a breakdown in our marriage but we are stronger than ever. I imagine you and your DH are the same. The lack of aches and plenty of wriggles sounds like such a good thing my lovely.

Oh Ellie, sorry I've just logged on and seen what you've been through. Glad you're putting your feet up now, and sounds like the amino went smoothly so risk of mc for you must be super-low. Hopefully you'll get the results through nice and quickly. Are you at home alone on Friday? Will try to keep an eye out here and on FB if you need some virtual company

AFM, still all going fine, just counting the days down now. Got my last antenatal appt tomorrow.
A bit of advice needed though. How do I tell the difference between my baby stretching, and Braxton Hicks? I don't think I've had any Braxton Hicks, but sometimes my belly does go tight in patches and I'm assuming that's baby stretching and pushing against me - but could it be BH? Just worrying a little - you ladies know how important it is to be confident in feeling movements, and now I'm questioning my own ability