Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

flambola sorry you've had a bad night, I hope you're feeling a bit better now. It's awful how the grief can hit you again with the same intensity as when it all began. You know, it's so strange that you say about it being exhausting as I used the exact phrase the other day. I feel like every day I have a million thoughts and feelings rushing through my head. I keep thinking about the future and imagining that its always going to be this way, I'm always going to be wondering about her-exhausting is definitely the word!
Lake I think weekly monitoring is more than reasonable. We have plenty of ladies at work coming in regularly for monitoring and many don't have the history we have. Do whatever keeps your mind at ease.
Kayliegh Wow not long to go! Glad you're able to have positive happy moments. Like Zombie said, keeping busy will probably help.
Zombie I know, it is sad. Since dd I've found a side of me I never knew I had, I feel other peoples sadness and grief so deeply. I'm not used to all the emotion stuff! I'm 17 weeks tomorrow, having the odd neurotic moment but overall feeling ok. Will be much happier when I feel proper movement. How are things with you on the job front? Hope you managed to come to get it sorted.

Good your feeling positive Ellie haven't sorted the job yet, I keep putting it off while a pray for a miracle. Have just been getting by on dh wage and savings. I really can't bear to leave my ds and he doesn't sleep at night

I had another phone call from the bereavement midwife. The consultant is looking through all my notes tomorrow and will be booking me an appt very soon

ellie glad to hear you're feeling ok overall.

zombie i'm keeping busy but people keep telling me to calm down which hinders things somewhat . We've now got all the bottles, and i've bought a couple of really soft blankets so i'm going to get those washed so they smell like home. Still haven't packed the bag for hospital yet but trying to get through as much of the washing basket as possible before baby arrives (having rain showers and a lot of things that can't be tumble dried isn't very conducive to this).

Community midwife today, going to ask about the chances of getting a sweep done on the 17th to see if it'll start things off "naturally"- it'll probably only be a couple of days earlier than they'd take me in anyway so i don't see an issue.

Love to all xx

So soon Kayleigh?! I didn't realise! I mean, I knew you were quite far along but it just didn't compute that you were this far along!

How'd it go Kayleigh? X

Wow Kayleigh, I am actually feeling really excited for you! It is funny I struggle-ish with people giving birth, not resent it or feel jealous by it but it sort of makes my greif feel a bit extra raw, but with you ladies I don't get that feeling. I guess knowing what you have been through I just want everything to go perfectly for you. Also maybe it is because, when people around me do give birth, and talk about it, I want to talk about my birth too, about my precious girl, but it just doesn't seem the 'right' thing to do, maybe that's what I struggle with. Do any of you get that?
Zombie I hope your appointment comes through soon. Not wanting to leave your DS is perfectly understandable. I hope something comes up to help you out.
Flambola how are you feeling now? I hope the day has brought some peace.
Ellie I'm hoping for lots of tiny baby wriggles very soon for you. You are a month ahead of me so I'm so excited to hear all your developments. It gives me hope and something to aim for.
Afm I'm doing ok. 13 weeks 1 day today and I'm struggling to do up my clothes so I bit the bullet and got out my maternity clothes, if nothing but to have them ready for when I feel the need. I found it quite emotional. There was a navy dress that I used to love wearing when I was expecting my little angel. I bought it specifically as it would last, I could wear it when I fed her. I have a picture of me on my due date, wearing it, my bump so ripe. I have very few pictures of me pregnant as I felt so huge. How I wish I'd let my husband take more. I don't quite know if I will be able to wear that dress again. To put it on will almost feel like I'm giving up on her, but it is there hanging up just in case. I miss her so much. Less than five months ago it was her tucked up inside of me. I just didn't have a clue.

3little i know what you mean about not having the same feelings toward the ladies here- i think it is because we've all been through such an awful experience we just wholeheartedly want everything to go well this time around. Personally if someone is talking about births i join in and include Ben's birth- after all i did give birth (and i'm pig-headed like that). Well done on getting the maternity clothes out again, that must have been extremely hard for you, and with regards to the navy dress, if you feel it's too hard to wear it this time- don't. Could you maybe buy a similar/the same dress in a different colour for this pregnancy?

Well the midwife appointment went well, she took my blood for the last iron count (wasn't really expecting to be stabbed with a needle but hey ho) and i did mention a sweep. She said they might end up doing one when i'm at the consultants clinic next Tuesday, but has told me to book in at community clinic next Wednesday so that if they don't we can arrange booking one in. Baby currently has her head on the brink of starting to go into my pelvis so walking can be a little painful at times now. First steroid injection today

Hi folks, just checking in! I've been so busy as I'm doing handover at work, so long hours in front of a computer, but feeling like the end is in sight and I can relax soon. I've got the day off today for an NCT class, and then have counted only 10 more days in the office!! NCT is tough but I'm coping, and all the ladies seem nice. They all want the birth that I had wanted for Grace (we've got a good MW led center within our large local hospital), which is the toughest part. It's definitely sadness for the 1st pregnancy experience that I never had though, rather than any jealousy for this baby's birth - I am more than happy to be having the planned CS this time (and hilariously it means the NCT teacher has to talk about CSs more than I'm sure she would like, heheh)

Kayleigh, it's so close isn't it. I'm very excited for you, glad the midwife appt went well and don't worry about the steroids, they don't hurt too much.

3little you are doing so well. 13 weeks is a milestone, definitely, but as you can tell from these posts it just gets different, not easier. With my maternity/baby stuff, I also just bought a few things to last, so whenever I get one out again I remind myself that I didn't buy it just for Grace, but for all my babies. Its another way of including her in our family.

x

Hi all, just trying to catch up. I know what you mean about being jealous of other pregnant people but not us lot. I think its normal to be jealous of those who sail through pregnancy. I find that a lot as I am currently suddenly surrounded by happy pregnancy people. Because i had my angel prematurely I get mad/stressed/angry when friends who are only 15-20 weeks are talking about what prams to buy etc. It is such an alien concept to me! I have done an online order but do not dare press send until at least 30 weeks.

Sorry not to name check but great re everyones passing/coming up to big milestones x

kayleigh how far. Will you be when they induce you?

I have been reading everyone's posts, keeping upto date but just not posted. I'm 30+3 now. Normally it takes a few years for a kid to get annoyed by its parents however I have a feeling this one is already starting to get annoyed by me. Twitching sis has definitely crept in now, if I haven't felt any movement in a little while I keep prodding and poking till I get a kick. Poor kid!

Zombie, I've just posted on the conception thread so you should be able to find it now. Cake must have read your mind, as she also posted on 5th August - apart from that it had all gone very quiet. I'm feeling a bit guilty about nearly killing that thread

town glad you're coping with the classes even though it's tough for you, although i did smile at your comment about the teacher having to talk about CS more than she'd like.

vicky i'll be in my 37th week when i get induced, i don't get my actual date until i see the consultant again on Tuesday. I'm sure baby doesn't mind the prodding too much, it's better than you worrying yourself daft surely?

Well first steroid jab down, one to go. The jab itself wasn't too bad, but the pain afterwards wasn't too nice. The midwife had to put a plaster on my bum too because of the aspirin i'm taking which my lovely mum had to then remove when i got home as i couldn't see the darn thing. Saw the bereavement midwife too, who said she can't see them doing a sweep next week, which is fine by me as i wasn't expecting them do do one until the 17th anyway. And now we have a water warning in my area saying we have to boil all water to drink, cook with or brush our teeth with as they've found out a local water plant has contaminated water

April, you do what is right for you in terms of buying baby things. I think that being pregnant again after loss is a lot like standing on a cliff top that you have previously fallen off. You remember the pain of every single rock that you hit on your way down and the fear of falling is nearly as painful as the fall itself. We stand there on the edge of that cliff edge nearly too scared to breath while all of the other pregnant ladies seem to be blissfully unaware of how close they are to the edge and how easy it is to fall off.
Vicky, welcome to the rainbow cave! 30+3 I'm sure it doesn't quite feel like it, but not long now. Do they have a plan about how you will deliver this time? I have gone from wanting total hands off home birth with my little angel to wanting every kind of intervention possible this time. I don't care how I give birth apart from I hope they don't make me wait till the end. My little one died when I was 40+5.
Kayleigh glad that the midwife appointment and injection went well. Do you find the bereavement midwife useful? When did she become involved again or did she stay involved with you anyway? I think it is something I'd really love and need but unfortunately I think our hospital is a bit deficient on that front. I only actually spoke to mine a couple of times, the last time a student phoned on her behalf when I was having a 'good day' and I never heard from them again.
Town, how many weeks are you now? I think you are amazing going to the classes. It just goes to show how stong we ladies can be even though we can feel quite fragile at times. When I went to my 12 week scan I was sat in the waiting room, waiting for my bloods, next to another pregnant lady, and I was praying she wouldn't talk to me. Very strange for me because I'm normally really chatty and will happily talk to anyone. I was terrified she'd ask me about my pregnancy etc and I was terrified of having to tell her that I am her worst nightmare. What do you do in that situation? I really wish there was some sort of symbol we can wear. Like they used to wear black arm bands in the old days. Something to show everyone I lost a precious baby and now I'm carrying another but I'm sad and scared. Just something so we'd never have to worry about having that conversation. I'm happy talking about it with people who know, I just hate to have to tell them in the first place.
To the rest of you ladies I hope you a peaceful and happy day with lots of wriggles if you are that far along.

3little i find the bereavement midwife a tower of support. I didn't actually even know my hospital had such a specialist midwife until the bereavement support nurse asked me if i'd been referred to her after i had a bit of a meltdown just before Ben's birthday back in April. I'd say if you feel you'd benefit from having that support yourself, ring up and ask to see/speak to her.
Off to go and feed my face (again)- hope all you lovely ladies have a good day xx

3 I agree with you in relation to talking to other people. We are due to start antenatal classes in about 10 days and I know we all are meant to introduce ourselves to the group. I keep thinking about what to say. I really don't like not acknowledging my angel but also worry that a rook full of pregnant people will avoid us with a barge pole if we say what happened, will we come across as sharing too much?! I also feel I want to say something on the more practical basis that this isn't our first baby, I'm sick of people otherwise lecturing on birth, pain relief etc. as if I wouldn't know anything about it. What would you guys do? X

Good morning everyone and apologies for just jumping in again on this thread. Some of you might remember me from several Rainbow and Angel threads ago. My little rainbow GS is now 6 months old and very much loved. Thinking of you all and sending you all positive vibes and very unMN hugs for your rainbow babies.

April, I read your post and my DD was in the same position. The bereavement counsellor suggested she said something along the lines of ... this is our second baby, sadly our first child died, however it wasn't unexpected and we are now looking forward as a family to the arrival of his/her sibling.

I also as a DGP use this sort of wording when people ask if LO is my first DGC as I can't not acknowledge our little angel baby. I hope this helps x.

I need to catch up again! But I saw your post April.

There is no right or wrong thing to do/say. Just go with what you feel comfortable with. Personally I do say when people ask 'no he's my second, my first was stillborn' or something like that but it had taken me a long time to get to that, I used to do anything to avoid that question or even sometimes just said yes when they asked if it was my first. Just see how you feel at the time.

I don't think you would 'scare' pregnant people or anything, I wish I knew of what could go wrong when I was pregnant, truth is I knew nothing about still births until it happened to me

april personally i'd say something along the lines of what chottie's dd was suggested, and maybe tweak it if need be. It's whatever makes you comfortable (although having never attended an ante-natal class with any of my dcs i have o idea what they're like).

chottie it's lovely to hear from you again, i'm so pleased your rainbow grandson is doing well.

AFM that's my steroid jabs all done yesterdays one hurt more because the midwife did it higher up but at least they're done. The scan went well too, baby is weighing around nearly 6 pounds, although the little monkey has her head right down but is facing to one side so she needs to turn her head pretty sharpish so she's fully in position. The bereavement midwife came and saw me as she wanted to look over my scan report and said she's going to ring me after my consultant appointment on Tuesday because the usual lady registrar i see thinks she's on nights next week so there's concern that i'll end up seeing this arsehole doctor who completely disregarded the induction notes in my file last time i saw him

Hope everyone has a nice weekend xx

Kayleigh I saw that on the news do you know when the water will be ok?

Town is work ok? I was exhausted by that point! Hope you don't have too bad of a commute or anything.

3, your post about being sat next to the lady at the 12 week scan sums up exactly how I feel! Horrible isn't it. I'm chatty but I really panic if I'm sat next to someone I don't know with ds because they always ask that bloody question!

Sorry if I missed anyone, it's difficult catching up on the app

X

Hey guys just thought I'd check in. Been hearing horror stories from colleagues about how painful induction is going to be so that's been stressing me out. My platelets were low when I had E so they wouldn't allow an epidural.

I wish people would share some nicer stories too. I understand the point of induction is to force your contractions on earlier and sooner. Keep trying to remind myself that this is the better choice, E came when she was ready which was 9 days late and that wasn't good for her.

31+1 now and time seems to be racing away. A friend asked if I'd like some newborn baby grows so I picked them up the other day. We were chatting and I told her it was a girl and she gave us all of her 0-3 month baby girls clothes. I probably have enough clothes now that I could throw stuff away after one wear. Suddenly thought I need to get on and accept that in about 7 weeks baby lake will be arriving. Going to have to start washing things soon!!

It's our 3rd wedding anniversary on Monday but we are both working so we are celebrating today. E's birthday is coming up 25th August and I feel like I can't prepare for this baby until we've had her birthday. Hard to explain but feels almost like im too focussed on the new baby and I'm neglecting her.

Starting the anniversary by watching some football (luckily I love football) and getting a takeaway pizza!! Hope you all have nice weekends

Lake every induction is different. Mine was fine (although scary at the time) apart from them forgetting my pain relief for my episiotomy. My epidural didn't work so I felt it but I would say it was more painful than with dd when I went into labor naturally

zombie they're saying the water situation could run into next week now, but there have been reports saying they're not sure when exactly the water has become contaminated so people could still become poorly . Our local supermarket gets raided by folk panic buying bottled water each time they restock- it's madness. I was going to give the bottle steriliser a clean this weekend, but think i'll hold off until the water's back to normal now to be on the safe side.

lake on my hospital notes it actually says that i was induced with Ben (i'd technically already started with contractions so it was more to speed things up i suppose), but despite the circumstances it was fine. I managed a few hours just breathing through the contractions then had gas and air, and then morphine as well. Obviously there won't be any morphine this time, but i'm feeling ok about it. As zombie said every induction/ delivery is different so try not to let people telling you awful stories bother you. Also happy anniversary to you and your dh for Monday

Hi everyone!
april, for the NCT classes, I emailed the teacher a couple of days before the first class to let her know our story. She'd sent round an introductory email saying to let her know if there was anything she should know, so it was definitely the right thing to do, and we both felt better knowing that she knew. And then we've just been telling people in the class as and when it's appropriate, mainly in the breaks - no big announcement in front of the group, but I think most people know now and we've only had 2 sessions.
I really didn't feel guilty about telling anyone in terms of upsetting them, as they are all well past the point where I had Grace, so my story cannot apply to them. Your classes sound a little bit earlier, but I guess everyone will be past 25 weeks?

I did have to bite my tongue this last session - the teacher got onto the subject of induction if you go overdue by more than 10 days, and of course was in the classic NCT camp of 'all pregnancies are different, it's your choice whether to be induced or not, just keep going in for checks every couple of days and it'll be fine'. Grrrr. Had a quiet word with the ladies afterwards to remind them that bad things can happen and really really think if its worth going against the advice just to get a natural birth.

Wow lake 31+1, we're all getting so close now. I'm 32+6. Still not bought anything baby, but slowly trying to clear some drawers ready for when the time is right. And I've also been given/lent a few bits already. Actually, NCT is really helping me get my head round that there is a baby coming. I get my c section date next week, should be at 39 weeks which is only 6 weeks away.

Hello Chottie good to hear from you!

Zombie, work is ok, thanks for asking! Luckily my commute is fine (I'm a reverse commuter, so always get seat on the train). Doing handover is knackering though - really long hours as everything takes twice as long to do when you're explaining it as you go along. I can't wait to handover the responsibility fully - I've been sleeping pretty badly this week and it feels more like work stress than anything pregnancy-related.

Final bit of news, I had my 32 week checkup this week, and asked the GP to look up my MRI results as I hadn't heard anything back from the FMU. Good news is there is nothing to report - his brain looks completely normal apart from the one measurement we already knew about which in itself is not an issue. Phew!

Enjoy the sunshine!
x

Kayleigh, 6 pounds is amazing, you are sooooooo close now .

Thank you Kayleigh and townsender.