We may have been Bitter, but we’re no longer Barren! Get your *PESH* in here! All ready for the BESH clusterdiff of 2015 year of the *CuntCushion* (with added tea tree for those sore fanjo moments)!

[MissHobart]

BESH Graduates having a moan about the lack of Gin whilst actually being over the fucking moon to finally have a reason to not be able to drink it! Anything goes, especially asking the wiser CRESH for their sage advice on the horrors and amazement to come when we get the the biggest WIN in history! Bring your baybees here!

Oooh, yes, I remember the fanjo stabbing. All part of the joy! Completely understand about being too anxious to think anything other than a few days or weeks ahead. I was like that for pretty much all of the first two trimesters, but it does get easier. If you can make a couple of big decisions about where to have your care and get the harmony booked you can continue to bury your head in the sand until your trousers don't fit any more

Minifizz is great, thank you! She's an ok sleeper (though we are having a rough patch just now - awake every hour or so through the night) but is happy, healthy and very smiley, especially first thing in the morning after a difficult night! She's getting very big and strong but still up for lots of cuddles.

So lovely to hear about minifizz I can't keep up, how old is she now? And Badlet is the same age? Fablet a few months older?

Minifizz is 4 months and badlet just a couple of days older. Tablet is a few months ahead - 6 months I think fab?

Wow that really was a clusterdiff hey?

Fablet is 6 months and a week, weaning and hasn't poo'd for 7 days. Oh god. I dread and yet fervently wish the imminent pooplosion.... Off to get more prune pouches shortly....

Oh poor fablet! Poonami on its way then

The Poo Gods were with me and The Poo arrived this evening when he was naked on the change mat. Dear god that boy can shit!!!

Blue with ref to your post on the other thread, where are you based? I would strongly recommend you have some hypnotherapy to help you get through this stage. If you are in London there are hypnotherapists at Zita West's clinic who work specifically with fertility patients and that should really make a difference for you. Xx

Yay for the poo!

I'm not London, I'm 'oop north' and have also just moved to the back of beyond so am further away from all resources.

I've also had hypnotherapy before and it did nothing for me. I've had a therapy session but really all that's done is stop me bringing other people down (my worry was leading me to stop Mr B from talking about any kind of positive outcome and I've learnt to stop that, it's also why I'm letting my mum just be excited without screaming "for god sake don't you know what could happen!!". Still it's not making me less crazy, probably making me more so ... but I know it's not fair for me to bring others down)

What a shame it didn't work for you as it's exactly what would be good for you right now. It's not about anyone or anything else or 'understanding' - what you need right now is a little zen to keep you going. How about some meditation music? There are some eight hour things on YouTube which are really good for overnight if you're having trouble sleeping and any other time just to stop you over thinking everything. I did hypnobirthing and even now just saying some of the phrases puts me right in the calm zone. Worth a try?

Hello Massive hugs to you blue. I know it's very scary, so do drop in here for toe-holds as needed.

Badblet is 17 weeks now...wow. I've started to settle into it a bit more, but it's still so hard. I don't think I'm very good at this motherhood stuff, really. Maybe if she slept more - naps are at most 40 minutes, and she's still waking3-4 times a night. I've tried putting her to bed a bit earlier, but even though she's tired she won't stay asleep, so she's still down with us till 10pm, as cranky as anything She's a happy little thing though outside of bedtime, smiley and giggly. It's amazing seeing her learn new things every day Feeding going ok, though she gets one formula bottle at night, which I've just about come to terms with.

Hags, how are you finding the change in your relationship with your partner. I'm finding that quite tough. I have a lot of resentment towards him, some due to his immediate return to work, but generally I feel so alienated from him. He's at work from 8-7 every day, and when he comes home or on his days off he mostly wants to watch tv and play on his phone and 'wind down'. He does make dinner most evenings, and he will change nappies/play/wash bottles etc if I ask him (repeatedly). But I get so angry with him. He has no clue what it's like, and I really feel that he is very disengaged from anything to do with parenting. And there's no real intimacy between us anymore (I have NO libido - which I read can be down to bfeeding, but honestly - if he touches me I get so tense. It's like - I can't take being needed for something else...)

Oh hags, I'm a walking cliche.

Fab - thanks so much for the advice, I'll have a look into it. It's worth a try

And hey Bad, nice to see you. Sorry to hear it's so hard, I can't imagine how exhausting this is and it sounds like your feelings towards Mr Bad are totally understandable. I'll let a wiser CRESH come along with meaningful advice

Am sat waiting for midwife appointment in a tiny overhot room which is shared with the stop smoking service so everyone who isn't diffed is coming in absolutely STINKING of cigs. So helpful for managing the occasional nausea nevermind, can't complain I suppose

blue, you can always complain. I know that when you have any issue with fertility, it seems like diffment ought to be treated as a sacred thing. And it is brilliant and amazing, but it's also huge and scary and sometimes unpleasant. So don't feel bad about not 'enjoying every minute', as people unhelpfully witter at you all the time.

Likewise, re my vents above: I had a very bad start with feeding and some other issues. I teetered on the edge of PND for quite a while, and probably did have it honestly, at the start. Maybe even a bit now. But honestly, 90% of the time is good and that ratio is improving every week. And she is incredible, even as I find motherhood scary and lonely at times. Hugs, hag.

What would this place be if not somewhere to have a moan and get slapped with a wet fish?

blue I really feel for you! You don't have to be strong, and you don't have to 'just relax and enjoy it'. You are allowed to feel petrified and confused and even sometimes like you wish you hadn't got diffed. Have seen your update on the BESH Fred and I'm glad that Mr Blue is taking care of you. Not long til Thursday now. I second the idea of meditation things. Zita West has a good pre and post embryo transfer one. Like fab I find it relaxing even now!

bad good to see you! It definitely can be overwhelming and lonely and sometimes a bit boring. I sometimes feel like a crap parent too. But I repeat the classic mumsnet phrases and they do help: 'this too shall pass', and 'everyone fed, nobody dead'.

Sorry things are strained with Mr Bad. I think it's on the spectrum of normal, but obv not good if it's making you unhappy. What are weekends like for you guys? Does he interact more with badlet then? Is there any chance you could have a couple of hours out somewhere with just the two of you - might help just to look each other in the eye and try to talk about something other than nappy contents and nap times.

I have almost the opposite - GFBW is great at parenting, very hands on, and I sometimes think that he would do a much better job of it than me . Especially at awful o'clock when he can settle H and I'm having to go into the garden because I can't stand her crying. We are in separate rooms as sleep preservation. Tbh our sex life has been crap for a couple of years anyway (thanks, infertility!) but I remain hopeful that it might pick up again, though feck knows when, with a small baby in the house!

Thinking of you today blue - good luck for the scan!

Bad and Fizz - good to see you're hanging in there! It definitely gets easier as they get older and also funnier. I actually have a lot of laughs with Fablet now, he's really starting to show a sense of humour which is brilliant and amazing and makes the hard times less hard. The first few weeks are just bloody hard work, especially if you had a hard labour and no chance to recover. When you finally get a smile and some recognition it really makes a difference to your ability to cope. Well at least that's what I found anyway. I also struggle to get Fablet to settle without the boob so have to defer to TWH but if I'm honest I'm quite pleased as it gives me a break!!

Blue, best of luck today. And as the others said don't be afraid to feel very mixed emotions. Something people don't ever talk about is antenatal depression and I suspect many many people have it to a greater or lesser extent. Your hormones are going loopy after all! And I know plenty of women who struggled with fear and worry throughout their pregnancies and they didn't have any problems getting diffed so you'd think they had it easy but no. It's a crazy time. Just be kind to yourself and the little bean. You've both been through a lot to get to this point.

Hi CRESH - scan was fine. Measuring at expected at 10+1

Just popped on to update - be back tomorrow

Sorry - that last post was me!

HOOOORRRAAAAAYYYYY! So pleased about good scannage.

Yippeeeeeeeeee!!

Thanks CRESH and lovely nipple tassels, we haven't seen those for a while

Thanks for saying I'm allowed to be grumpy and sad - I really was (picking up now though I think)

All is fine from harmony test

Huzzah! Really pleased for you, blue. Is it starting to feel more real now?

A tiny little bit more real Fizz, it's hard because I'm not really allowing myself yet. I'm not sure why, I don't know what I'm waiting for or what it is that will make this real for me. Mr B is excited, more real for him that me right now I think

Excellent news Blue. I don't think I really started to get excited until I started to feel flutters in my tum and seeing the 20 week scan. Then once I got past 24 weeks I had such a huge sigh of relief and was able to enjoy it. Luckily I had a very good pregnancy and because I was constantly monitored I felt I knew he was all ok in there. Don't stress about not feeling excited though. Even instadiffers feel scared at this point. The good news is that as each week goes past you are moving a little further away from the chances of it going wrong. Keep a hold of that.

Thanks Fab, that really really helps. I think my mum is baffled by my lack of excitement (although to be honest, excitement about Anything would always be out of character for me) but yes, I think as long as I get that far-- movement may be the thing that does it for me. It helps to know I don't have to be giggling with glee about this right now

You are lovely Hags, thanks