April 2015 #4 - time to start glowing and growing

[BrixtonBunny]

I thought I'd start a new thread as the old one was almost full up xxx

Moving this post from last thread in the hope of moral support!

Hi guys,
I hope everyone with nasty symptoms is feeling better!

I need a slight rant. I don't know whether any of you guys are worrying about difficult parents wanting to stay after birth etc but I am.
My mum moved from Manchester to Inverness when I went to uni hence we then didn't see each other so often and the relationship suffered really.
She is quite hard work when she stays at our house - my DH spends his time running after her cleaning, they use all the towels, leave food out on the surface which my dog then eats and so it's really quite stressful. My sisters struggle similarly.

She announced to me last week that she plans to move around 60 miles from us and do 3 day child care a week.
This sounds great in theory but she was planning on moving in with us for half of every week (with my dad who is 75 and 3 dogs).

She also refers to the baby as 'my baby' (as in hers), she said if she didn't like the name she would call it what she wanted (as she'd be doing half child care), and she told everyone I was pregnant when I was 4 weeks when I'd told her not too- and now there's no family for me to tell.

I do love my mum and I want her to be involved but I also want family life with my husband.

I broke this gently to my mum and said she needed to not be tied down and enjoy retirement and look after dad etc.
She told me she didn't think me and my husband could cope with a child - 1. Because I had depression in the past when I was on my own with no nearby family and 2. Because I'd said I was worried about child are costs (which everyone is).

I'm fairly angry about this - I have a great job (doctor) and so does my husband. I supported myself through uni so have a lot a debt but I'm paying it of and am sensible.

Sorry about the rant, I don't expect people to read it all but really needed it off my chest! Luckily my Dad agrees with me and my sisters all completely agree but I do not like arguments etc so argh.... I'm burnt out!!

Sorry guys

Sorry don't know how I put it on twice- not IT literate

I don't have any relevant experience but just wanted to say I completely agree with you. This is YOUR baby, not your mother's. I really think you're doing the right thing reigning her in now rather than waiting till she starts attempting to make decisions on your child's behalf without consulting you. The name thing is completely ridiculous. Also, just because you've suffered with depression in the past, doesn't mean you won't be a great mum, and you have the support of your husband too!

She also had absolutely no right announcing your pregnancy before you were ready..I know she's your mother and you love her, but what the hell was she thinking?!

Oh dear. Think your going to have to sit her down with your dad and sisters and tell her she is being unreasonable. If she still won't listen you can always change the locks. I can't believe she would say you couldn't cope with a baby that's ridiculous and if you start to feel a little depressed again your health visitor will be all over it and get you any help you need.

So sorry to hear about all the stress your mum is putting you through, Cavetroll. Not sure I've got much constructive advice to give you, just that you're completely in the right making sure you reign her in now. If my mum told my family I was pregnant at 4 weeks I'd be fuming, so can understand how frustrated and stressed you must be. Don't let her get to you, I bet you're going to be a lovely mum.

Welcome, minimoo! :0)

Blimey, CaveTroll" that sounds crap - I don't blame you needing a good rant. Maybe come the whole 'don't do anything yet, let's get Baby up and running and see how we get on'. That definitely seems the most sensible option before she goes restructuring her whole life to interfere with yours.
I guess it's that, or a strong united front with your other half in which you thank her for her concern but firmly state that a history of depression in no way means you're incapable of looking after an infant - and indeed the fact that you have made a good life for yourself should prove it even more. And that you find her lack of faith in you quite hurtful (coming the guilt-trip might be better than getting angry).
Bloody hell, I adore my Mum, but the thought of her bearing down upon us regular 'mandatory' childcare, even without the 'incapable' accusations, makes me gasp for air.
If all else fails, you'll have to put your foot down and firmly say it's just not on. Because, frankly, it isn't, and I can't think who wouldn't back you up on that.
And if your Mum is so concerned about 'her' baby (!!!), she won't let that affect your relationship.

Lauren - whoa, there's plenty of room in that mofo! A colleague at work has just bought a Kia, and loves it - they def look like a lot of bang for buck.
Hats off to you if you're a good negotiator. Me and DP are both crap - in fact poor DP was finding the prospect of haggling so worrying beforehand that he couldn't finish his breakfast! In was fine in the end tho, he haggled despite himself (whilst I scowled off into the middle-distance, so as to not look as enthusiastic as I felt, which I'm sure was terribly useful :0D) and they threw in a bit of extra stuff. Tbh, we spent so much time faffing, and looking, and faffing again, that they probably would have given us it free if we'd have asked, just to get us off the premises!
(And once they finally managed it, we were back within ten minutes because we both needed to use the toilet :0D)

I guess the advantage of waiting, Banana is that you'll already have The New Addition to the family once you look for a new car, so may well have a clearer idea of what you want. Certainly that was the way round we were planning to do it, had the Skoda not conked out so expensively.

Enjoy the extra doors, misty!

Kismac and Siarie - sorry to hear you are still feeling rotten (I am also sorry to admit that I giggled a bit at Kismac throwing up in the shower! Any least you get an instant clean-up!) How far along are you both? My nausea seems to be straightening out quite a bit now, and I'm 15 + 4. Kismac, enjoy your Spa day, and may it be relatively vom-free!

Cinnamon - you are not alone.. am nervous about my 16-week appointment too (Tuesday). Pretty sure in my gut things are going normally, but still have that residual worry from the 2-hour cramping terrors a month ago. Join me back on the Worry Sofa - but not for long this time, I'm sure :0) It is true that it a seems to vary massively as to when Mums can feel their babies move for the first time.. I bet yours is just a little ninja this time round! :0D

/end essay

I'm 12w 3d at the moment Nunkie, so a little behind from most of you. I have been feeling better, just today has been really bad.

I think 16w appts are pretty standard in England squattingneville then 24,28,32,36,38 then every week. I didn't get the 24week on with ds2 as it was my second baby so assuming it's the same this time. Once baby starts moving I just find them a pain! Midwife is always behind and they think you have nothing better to do than sit and wait for them! Just stick sticks in wee pot, bp, measure belly and off you go.

I'm annoyed that this time they need 28wk blood results back before they will give you anti D and as my surgery won't take maternoty blood it means a trip to the hospital 2 weeks in a row, 40mile round trip :( with both my others they just did the blood test before giving me antiD.

Gosh CaveTroll she sounds shockingly unsupportive and yet controlling at the same time. I would firmly remind there that the baby is in fact yours, you will be carrying the baby for 9 months and you will be giving birth to the baby, and therefore any decisions about the baby will be made by you. She has no say on baby's name, and she will be calling the baby by the name that you chose. Thank her very much for the childcare, you'll let her know if it's convenient for you. Perhaps point out also that as a medical professional you have a better idea of the limits caused by your past depression and of what's int he best interests of your child.

I would also make sure you drive attention to the mess she creates when she stays with you. "You seem to have forgotten to clear up the kitchen after yourself, can you sort that out before the dog gets it", set her out towels in the guest room and stress that they're for her use perhaps hide the spares somewhere until she gets the idea. At the end of the day now that you're pregnant you've got more important things to do than be her cruise director, and be quite firm that if this is how she treats your house now she won't be doing child care at yours when there's a baby involved and she'll have even less ability to tidy up!

Thanks for ur support everyone- I just needed to know I wasn't being selfish.
Not iv got it out my system I can concentrate on preparing for the important stuff! Luckily MIL is ace and lives round the corner!

I cannot wait to have this baby- very exciting!!

Also BooMonster. I hid the towels last time ... It was perhaps immature of me but it was a small victory nonetheless!!

I'm also bringing up the rear of the bus (12+5) and wondering whether you all carried on with pregnancy/folic acid tablets or stopped? I feel I should carry on but don't know if that's just an advertisement con to keep me spending my money! DH thinks I should carry on as my diet/cravings are a bit erratic with feeling sickly and I could do with the extra vitamins.

Just wondered what everyone elses thoughts are.

I have no idea what has crawled up DHs bum but he has been so argumentative the last few days. I've tried telling him to stop arguing with me as once I'm provoked I'm like poking a sleeping bear but he can't seem to get it.

Case in point we just got home from my mums and it's raining. I ran up for a wee because I was bursting, he shouted up the stairs can you get me a towel. I shout down yes and finish my wee and flush then walk straight to the towels and get one. In the mean time he has yelled at me to get a towel 3 times and told me I'm taking hours! I went off on one and told him to F off because he is being unreasonable and gas no concept of time. I feel really bad as we just keep arguing in front of DD and I hate doing that but he drives me up the wall.

I went down stairs to ask him calmly to stop arguing with me as it's not good to stress me out and that things don't just teleport into his hands the second he asks it takes a few minutes to get to him. He rather childishly told me to get out of his face and he can't be arsed listening to me when I'm being overly dramatic. I don't think I was being dramatic I'm hormonal yes but only when provoked, normally I'm fine.

I so want to turn the router off so he can't play his stupid ps4 and make him sleep on the sofa tonight. But I'm not that childish even if I have been relegated to upstairs.

MrsS I was told to stop all vitamins I was taking and take the ones supplied by the mw. It's a combined folic acid and vitamin D one. I get a new supply every 2 months, they aren't like the big horse pills you can get just a bit bigger than the contraceptive pill. They don't taste too bad or make your wee a strange colour either. So I guess I'll keep taking the free ones all the way through.

DH has just come upstairs and apologised, I swear he is more moody than I am!

MrsS0..1 - I'm quite sporadic with my pregnancy vits now, but this is more down to absent-mindedness than anything (tbh, I was a little forgetful with them in the first twelve weeks, which has me a bit worried, but..). I can't see much harm in continuing to take them (tho I did read something weird about folic acid hanging around in your body a while back, but it's most likely nowt to worry about like most of these things). Can't be a bad idea to top on the vits when you've a passenger on board. (I've got the Sanatogen Mum-to-Be ones, as they have an omega 3 one as well)

(Oh yeah, good call on the vit D, especially now the weather is turning. I saw a Vitamin D mouth spray for preggers ladies in the health food store the other day, which was a new one on me!)

I'm still taking Pregnacare daily, figure I'll do so throughout pregnancy and probably get a different multivit for breastfeeding. Means I don't have to worry about getting the right balance in my diet, although trying to eat fairly healthily to avoid excessive weight gain and try and sort my crazy spots out. I'm the spottiest I've been in my life - two new ones seem to appear every day at the moment! So much for the glow...

Cave troll oh my goodness - hope ur ok! Wrong to think if u suddenly decide u don't like her name u should begin calling her a name u prefer yourself! Hope talking to her works and she understands this is YOUR baby... Good luck!

Question - what kind of hours are you all working? And are u able to do what u were capable if doing then? Pre- pregnancy I was normally at work 730-630 and I'm struggling trying to even do 730-530 now. I'm going to ask for a reduction in working hours and want to say a 9hr working day is 'normal' or 'acceptable' - I'm just so worried that being tired/stressed/working too much is why I still feel nauseous and especially with all the cramping last week I just feel like I can't carry on much more. It doesn't help that nobody has had a baby at my work and I'm the only pregnant person... Sorry - having awful Sunday night horrors!

lauren I think the things we normally put up with just get to us more when pregnant. Things u normally let go off are more infuriating. It's not just the hormones, when u feel unwell it's really hard to cope with people demanding all the same off u!
Basically we should be treated like princesses and possibly bought diamonds... Or at least chocolate!

My midwife said you usually stop taking folic acid on your 13th week but if you have a bottle you might as well finish it. Think I have One pill to go.

cavetroll you mum sounds a nightmare. Poor you. I agree with everything people have been saying. If I were you I'd find out what names she hates and call your baby one of them! Hehe!

lauren sounds like your DH is being completely unreasonable. Isn't it mad that you can be getting along perfectly well one minute then screaming at each other the next for something so small. That seems to be how mine and DH ' S arguments go anyway. Then they seem to be over after a sulk and all goes back to normal and you think what on earth was that all about!

Dreading tomorrow. Open day for parents all day then parents evening. Going to be a long one. Half term next week. Yippee!!! A week of sleeping. ?

13+4

Sorry you and your dh are falling out Lauren82000, we have times like that where we argue over silly things and neither of us back down. I agree about the towel, if he's in that much of a hurry then he can bloody get it himself.

Don't use me as an example MissV84! I'm a childminder so no commute but I do work 8-7 at the moment mon-wed and 8-6 thurs and fri. I have had some days were I haven't been as involved with the kids and they've probably been left to their own devices and watched tv more than normal but otherwise all my normal school runs and everything else the same.

I've stopped taking my vits for a few days as they have vitA in them but they cost pretty much the same as 60 pregnancy ones for 240 and have exactly the same of everything except vitA so are a total rip off!

missv84 I work approx 9-5 ( flexi hours so if I make it in for 8 I can slope off at 4pm). To be honest I am exhausted by 2pm and fit for nothing for the rest of the afternoon. If its not cotton wool head, not feeling able to remember what I'm doing then I'm battling with heartburn, burping, etc! Ive started going to bed earlier and earlier too. I dread to think what I will be like at 7 or 8 months!

cavetroll you poor thing having to deal with that. The lovely ladies have already given you great advice, I hope you can stick to your guns and say no!

Welcome minimoo!