Wow, the end is coming around quickly and the reality of a little baby kicking in. Hope things are going well for you all, particularly the early arrivals!
I must say I'm quite envious of those of you that seem so excited about your impending little ones. I wish I could feel that way.
Since my last post, I did manage to pick myself up a little and started to bond with my bump more.
This week hasn't been so good, though. We currently live with my in-laws and I'm finding it a lot harder to cope, particularly when I'm also trying to work through a lot of emotions about my pregnancy. They're nice enough people and well-meaning but I guess nobody realises what I'm going through and how their comments might affect me.
For example, I overhead a discussion between my MIL, BIL and husband about how she and BIL hate a baby name we really like and we're definitely not allowed to name our baby this. My husband told her that it was up to us and to basically stay out of it. This went on for a bit (which was upsetting enough, I don't like loud confrontations because they get my heart rate up and make me shaky) and eventually BIL said something along the lines of my husband being lucky to live here and having MIL because she's going to be the best help he can get for the baby.
I know what he meant and that it wasn't malicious and that he was trying to make my husband appreciate his mum more. However, in the state I was in, all I could think was, "what about me?" The baby has a mother to care for him and look after him, that's me. It made me feel like they all think I'm completely incapable of looking after my own child.
It also reminded me that my mum won't be here with me after the birth, which is something I guess I always thought would happen. The idea of being so vulnerable and having MIL around instead of my mum makes me a bit scared. My mum is really relaxed and has such a calming influence on me, whereas MIL is a worrier, so I can imagine it being quite a stressful environment of "don't do x, y, z, you might kill the baby".
It brought back all my emotions about not feeling ready for a child, things not being the way I'd imagined (us having our own place, financial stability) and I just shut the bedroom door and started crying. I was willing myself to miscarry and end it all. Unfortunately, my husband saw me crying and then insisted I talk to him about what was wrong. I couldn't tell him I didn't want our baby any more so didn't say anything.
I stayed late at work for the next couple of days just because I dreaded coming back here and hearing something else that might send me over the edge. I eventually talked to my husband last night about my feelings of not wanting the baby. I haven't mentioned that I've been upset by his family because a) it obviously wasn't directly malicious to me, b) who's to say I'd have not felt this way regardless and c) I don't want him to feel pressured to move out because of me. He was great and really reassuring and I felt a lot better knowing that he doesn't judge me for feeling this way.
I hope things will be different when the baby comes, as they often say it's normal to bond a bit later on. I'm trying my best to keep my spirits up. I'm subtly avoiding my in-laws at the moment, staying late at work, going straight to my room when I get in and missing dinner. I don't want to end up in any pregnancy-related discussions with my MIL because she always makes well-meaning comments that right now I just interpret as insulting my parenting ability.
E.g. when I was about 7 weeks pregnant, out of nowhere (we weren't even discussing feeding) she said, "mcsquared will be breastfeeding because I did that with all of my children and it is the best". I was planning on breastfeeding anyway, but what if I wasn't? It's a very intimate decision and I didn't feel she had the right to intrude in that way. My mum, on the other hand, only recently talked to me about feeding (well into my second trimester) and her first words were "have you thought about how you'll feed the baby?"
I also prefer my pregnancy advice to generally come from my mum because we have similar biology and my mum doesn't offer advice unless asked. My due date is the 12th and my MIL is insistent that the baby will come on the 6th because that's the date I had my last LMP in Feb and all of her children came on her LMP dates. She doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not her son's body carrying the baby. I was my mum's first baby, overdue, long labour and eventually an EMCS when I became distressed. I worry that if I follow suit and have an overdue baby that MIL won't really understand this might be normal for me and stress out about it, in turn stressing me out. It's just all these little comments add up and just when I feel that I'll cope and make a great mother, she'll say something to completely shatter my self-esteem, so I think avoidance for a while is best!
Ahh, I've just realised this is a really long post, sorry! Thank you to anyone who's stuck it out and read it and sorry for rambling for so long. I feel better writing it all out. My cousin has been desperate to throw me a baby shower (after missing the opportunity to throw me a hen night) and I'd been hesitant but finally agreed in the hope that being surrounded by lots of people excited about my baby would make me just as excited. I'm really looking forward to it and seeing my friends and family and I hope things get better.