November 2012 - the ten week countdown

[StuntNun]

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/1547119-November-2012-a-couple-of-early-arrivals-please-will-the-rest-stay-put

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Sorry, x-post.

Potty training from birth? Good Lord! She does sound challenging I think it is important that the midwives understand the dynamics of your living situation. That way they can ensure they have privacy when they see you post delivery, so you can speak openly.

Thank you ShellyBobbs, I'll definitely at least let the midwife know about my living situation.

VQ - I guess there are times when things get so ridiculous I can only laugh! I have heard about baby potty training but it wasn't something I wanted to attempt with my first given all the other stuff that I need to concentrate on!

mcsquared Sorry you are feeling so down. Perhaps do as somebody else suggested - the next time you make an appointment for the midwife ask for a double slot? You should really talk to someone about it, it's not good to bottle it up inside.

I read yesterday that our babies are around 38cm long now. I keep wondering how he fits in there. It seems huge!

9 weeks to go and just signing in. Off to Lanzarote on Friday for a fortnight and hoping baby doesnt come early whilst I'm there!

I'm sorry but I just laughed at the idea of potty training from birth!

Which was nice as DH called me when I was on my way to a meeting to tell me he'd just been informed his company is ceasing production. Not everyone is losing their jobs but as he does the finance for manufacturing it's a near certainty that he'll lose his job. My business is literally only at the point of being income generating. Eeek!

mcsquared poor u. Sounds like u have a tough mil. I personaILul take advice from my mil with a pinch of salt. Sometimes I'll bear it in mind if I think it's good advice . , other times I just smile and nod . Everyone has their own way of raising children .... She's done hers and it is not for her to say how u bring up yours. AND seriously, potty training from birth?! If your mil can do that she should be a billionaire now ! What a loada of tosh! Lol

Don't be too hard on yourself. Most of the time I am excited about bubbas arrival , but I do have moments where I suddenly feel like not up for it . Started tearing up thinking about it the other day in the cinema during the adverts cause suddenly I felt I can't do this. I snapped out of it when I realised I had a bag of maltesers to go through :D

Oh dear - well you might need to confide in her that you will be learning your own way and this may involve doing things differently. Perhaps warn her in advance (or get DH to!). For example potty training from birth is absolute bollocks totally disproven in terms of being even vaguely feasible by science i.e. the wee ones sphincters just aren't under their control intially so how can they be trained!! (this science may or may not have emerged since she was inflicting this on her babies but perhaps stress that it's 'something discovered recently' so she doesn't see it as a critique - I had this with MIL insisting babies should be put to bed on their tummies where I had to point her to the latest science on SIDS to shut her up).

Oh god it's going to be a difficult balance isn't it? But never forget that this is YOUR baby not hers and if you do things differently, its up to her as to whether that puts her nose out of joint, you are not doing things differently from her deliberately to offend her, or to deliberately critique how she raised her kids - you want to do things in a way that feels natural to YOU. Perhaps you could engineer a chat about a few things and deliberately mention a few bits that you will be doing differently 'because it's something you feel is important for YOUR child' or as 'something your family has always done' to remind her to back the feck off now and again? Maybe start off with things you know she might not feel that strongly about - expect a bit of huffiness and some raised eyebrows (I've had that from MIL - over the phone, but I can still tell her eyebrows are raised indignantly!!!!) and go from there. Your baby is more important.

You see I'd be grateful for my mil to be around!!! Shed a. Help. B. Actually be interested in the baby from dh side of the family and c. Offer another pair of ears and arms!!! But sadly shes not with. Fil on the other hand as I've said before has barely acknowledged the fact I'm expecting and has offered nothing for the baby. I can when we get home he'll say ' well let me know when your going into town and I'll see if I'm free'. Anyway big hugs - she sounds painful but I also know what the different cultures are like and how you have little say. Must be so hard living between two cultures. Hopefully you'll get some quality time with your mum and def speak to the mw about your concerns.

Work still appear in full on panic mode. Oh well!! Theyve known for long enough but they're all so wrapped up in their bits it's tricky to say what they'll do. Generally it's something drastic and I'll be told not to do anything, then pick up the pieces in a week!! Crisis management is no way to run a dept!!!

Sorry to hear that waiting hope you soon get clarity, and that something even better is awaiting him.

Waiting hugs to you and dh!! He might find another job or be redeployed. They're currently re shuffling my dept so god knows what job I'll go back to!! I assume they have to let me know if I need to reapply?

My mum (who's a health visitor) reckons the potty training from birth is just a self-perpetuated belief. The mother guesses when baby's going to go anyway and holds the baby over the potty then heartily congratulates herself when baby goes in the potty. Any accidents are explained away. Some children are much more regular than others, particularly if they are fed to a schedule so you can see how this might work in some cases. It's a biological fact that babies cannot be potty trained until the nerve (is it the vagus nerve?) has fully developed.

Mcsquared you do sound like you're in an awkward situation. You're probably just going to have to grin and bear it with the MIL. My mum is like that and I don't disagree with her, just keep doing things my way. You may be at risk for post-natal depression so be aware of the warning signs, just in case. You don't have to struggle on without help. I had PND and failure to bond with my DS1 but that bond can be built at any time, just look at adoptive and step-parents. One way to improve bonding with your baby is lots of skin-to-skin contact in the first week(s). And never be afraid to come on here and ask for advice/let off steam as sometimes it can help to get other peoples' experiences and perspectives.

Aww thank you everyone. I've gone from being in quite a dark place this morning to being able to laugh about baby potty training! The kindness of strangers is so amazing.

YellowWellies and CandyPop, you've inspired me to be more assertive. I wonder if there's a tiger mother in me waiting to come out! All I want is my chance to be a mother and do the best for my child. I want my baby to have doting grandparents who just do grandparenty things like spoil them with toys and chocolate. Right now I'm stuck with a grandparent who wants another go at being mum but maybe we can steer her back into a grandparent role and make this situation work.

StuntNun, that was another thing I was worrying about given my lack of bonding. I know that when baby is here, all I'll want will be skin-to-skin and privacy to encourage bonding. But I'm worrying MIL may interfere with that and I'm not sure how to make it work. I was thinking about asking my midwife how long I can stay in hospital. If I can request no visitors apart from my husband and just spend two nights alone with the baby, this may be a better start than coming straight back to a stressful situation.

Yes mc take back the control. Your body. Your baby. End of. Make sure you have a good talk with DH to keep him up to speed with how you are feeling.

The other issue is that we're moving into a bigger bedroom so we have more room with the baby, but this room is less private because the wardrobes are likely to be full of MIL and BILs things (room used to be husband and BILs, plus MIL sotres extra things there), plus BIL will only use that en suite shower (though hes at uni most of the year) so sitting around all day with my boobs out may not be an option for me. It's quite easy for people to walk in and out.

I might just direct husband to this thread VQ! He's a bit obsessed with mumsnet so may even find it himself. He's quite the pregnancy geek and reads more than me!

macsquared sorry you are feeling so low. Definetly speak to your midwife - they will want to keep an eye on you and will be a great support if they suspect depression.

Sorry to hear about your DH's job waiting - I've just been through that myself and it is very stressful waiting to hear how it's going to work out.

macsquared you should be able to request no visitors and the midwives will keep out those you don't want.

mc you mentioned earlier about likely being able to afford to rent. Could you apply for council housing? I would have the chat with DH about possibly renting. Even if it means a pokey little hole in a less than wonderful area, it may be better for you all. You mentioned that where you live currently is not your home, and I think that is a real shame. You will only have these precious first weeks once, but maybe the support of your extended family would be better? Only you and DH can decide what is best. Your MIL is very pro-feeding, which is a good thing, and I happily whip my tits out anywhere to feed my child. You will be ok whatever you decide, but I would still encourage a frank discussion with daddy.

Ermm how can you tell if your waters are leaking? I don't necessarily think mine are but I had to change my pants earlier and when I put clean ones on they were damp almost straight away but haven't had anything since.

I do get alot of discharge usually so wondering if it's just that and the baby was kicking alot at the time and I do think she kicks the discharge out sometimes!

Still be interested to hear though, when my waters went with ds it was a constant flow so unmistakable. It was at 38+5 though so I was happy then!

McS so sorry to hear you are struggling.

Was going to comment on the 'we're going to ... ' surely the only we here is you and your DH, but you have already realised that she needs to have a grandmother role, not a mother role, you just need to get her to realise this too. As others have said smile, nod, do your thing.

I too have times when I wonder what we have done deciding to have this baby, not because of problems but because I am selfish and wonder how it is going to change the cosy life we have. I do second those who have said to talk to a mw - even if it just lets off some steam.

Also push to stay in hospital. My cousin who is a nurse said to just put your foot down if you want to stay in and say that you have no one to look after you/no where appropriate to go. They can't make you go! Does DH get paternity leave? Could you both go to your mum's for the first 2 weeks?

Waiting sorry to hear your news, hope that it isn't as bad as it looks now and all gets sorted soon.

DH as far as I know waters smell different to urine/discharge. I would put in a pad and check in a bit.

I'm sure someone who knows more will be here in a bit

DH I have to wear a pad all the time now as I am very damp. The joys of late pregnancy.

Remember mcs this is the place whenever you need to let off steam. Don't bottle it up inside and let someone on here give you a smile. Mind you with classics like potty training from birth it sounds like you have a few things to giggle at any way.

I think everyone is right speak to your midwife so that she can flag it in your notes and post -labour the MW's should know that they need to speak with you privately and give you a bit more support.

I am someone who hates confrontation but I think you have to stick up for what you want. Perhaps think about what you want to happen and how you want to do things in the first few weeks and let your DH know so that he can fight your corner. He sounds really supportive so he would probably appreciate you being honest given how you have been in living there when you could prob move out.

Also I think a trip to your mums sounds great after the baby is born and again if you speak with your DH now about it I am sure he would be very supportive or at least come round to the idea. The MIl would have some time to get used to it too.