October Baby Bus - Part 6 - The last bus for the ladies...

[BB3]

Hello all

New antenatal thread for us until the last of us pops xxx

Hi! I'm a keen follower of this thread but never post... its starting to feel like I'm spying on other people so thought I'd say hi!

I just felt moved to post regarding the difficult time Edward is having. My heart just goes out to you my love. Relationships are hard at the best of times, and even more so when we are meant to be playing happy families. I just feel that you need to focus on your children (born and yet to be with us), they are your priority. I would just say give yourself till christmas and then thinking about your relationship in the new year. Its just too much of an emotionally tough time to make long term permanent decisions about your marriage. I would be very angry/upset if my man was smoking drugs etc but I think right now you have to pick your battles and you need his support regardless of his bad behaviour. (As long as he is not smoking round your children). Put up with it till the new year and chill with your new baby... then sort it out. If he knows how you feel you don't need to keep on at him (too much emotional energy for you to give out right now). I really hope that this advice helps - really all advice is interference at this point - and you need to do whats right for you and your lambs. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you.

P.S. I am 40+6 and frustrated out of my brain. Just trying to get through each day as it comes.

Bless you all... I have mucho respect for all of you ladies. Motherhood is the highest calling in life and we are the ones that get to change the world!! (one dirty nappy at a time!!)

Oh Edward what a horrible situation your DH is putting you in.

Do you think he would really go through with choosing cannabis over you and your DCs? Really? Because if he would do that, you have to ask yourself how his priorities can be so mixed up, and if that is the kind of man you want to be married to.

You have every right to ask him to stop smoking, cannabis and cigarettes, when you have DCs. You are being very reasonable by giving him until baby arrives IMO, and that is a commitment he agreed to. He has no right to change his mind now.

I can't tell you what to do, but if you don't stick to your guns now, you are giving him the message that he can do whatever he likes basically and that is not healthy in any relationship.

Big hugs - I really feel for you - I am very angry at him - he is acting childishly and selfishly when he should be thinking of you and your DCs. It sounds like he needs to grow up. Sorry for speaking plainly but the situation warrants it.

Edward completely agree with Scones. You and your DCs deserve better than this. You have every right to ask him to stop doing something illegal and potentially harmful to him, you and your DCs. Unbelievably selfish and insenstitive. The fact that he is now trying to back out of stopping would suggest to me that this is more than "getting it out of his system".

I would be seriously considering making good on that ultimatum. Yes you need support but at the moment he is working against you. That kind of support you don't need. I am really sorry you are having to put up with this shit .

EdwardI'm really sorry your husband is acting so selfishly.

However, I agree with country to not make hasty decicions right now.

Being parents to a newborn and a two year old is gonna be incredibly stressful in the beginning, so in my opinion really about the worst time to give up smoking.

I'm not saying it's OK for him to act like this, but maybe try and relax about it for the time being cos you don't need anymore stress right now and then approach it again in the new year when things have settled down and you are all in some kind of routine (hopefully) [hwink]

Naturally he shouldn't ever smoke near the children, especially the newborn...

Of course that's just my take on things. Hope you'll find a solution you're all happy with.

decisions not decicions

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time Edward.

I really have no idea what I'd do in your situation. I wonder if he'll realise what he's doing once the baby arrives? Newborns are so small and fragile looking hopefully his protective instincts will kick in and he'll put in the effort to quit?

I really hope the life changing effect of having a baby will make him come to his senses and that you won't need to make a decision.

Like the others, I really feel for you .

Oh Edward!!! Wish I could come round and knock some sense into him!
Without knowing what your relationship has been like prior to this it is difficult to advise how to approach him. My instinct is to agree with scones and not go back on your ultimatum because I'm quite a tough cookie but I can see that with a new little one and your 2yr old having him leave now would be so tough. I think it all boils down to what you want deep down and if you want to stay with DH you need to sit down when you're both calm and really talk through the reasons for his smoking and your reasons against it and try to find a resolution.
countrymamas suggestion about leaving it until the new year may give you both time to work out what you both want, but if you go down this route I would suggest that you discuss first with him that it is what you're doing and that both of you need to spend the time in the interim thinking very hard about your priorities.
Sorry can't be more help feel free to rant at us whenever x

I'm tending to agree with country ATM and I think new year is a good timescale, I am still going to see I can maybe get him to ut down to fri/sat nights only anyway and see how that goes then at least we're both compromising. He only does it outside not in the house never does it in front of DS. He has said that he will stop smoking completely but just have his joint at night to unwind after dc's have gone to bed.

I have to reluctantly agree with him on the husband dad stuff though since he started it he has had a LOT more patience for DS and has pulled his weight a lot more with housework etc and he's better at playing with DS. He did start anti-depressants around the same time as cannabis so I tend to think it's the ADs that are responsible for the improvement.

And It would break DS's heart if his dad moved out. He's a real daddy's boy.

I'm feeling a lot calmer now (just had a nice hot bath) and starting to get ctxs again really hope we get this sorted now before I go into labour!

I'm also going to try and scare him Iv spent today online and worked out that I can afford to continue in the house on my own (with tax credits and maintenance) should I decide to chuck him out, maybe the fact that I'm financially independent might show him that I can follow through I need to.

Sorry again for mammoth post.

Thanks for advice/support ladies mumsnet really can be great when u feel like there's no one in RL to talk to.
Xx

Edward that is really awful.

I'm not sure really what to advice just that you do need to talk to him calmly and rationally about this (not easy at the best of times but especially at 9 mths pg). Perhaps explain how much you love him and value him as a father and that you really want this to work but that you don't think babies and drugs/cigarettes are compatible. Point out to him that cannabis use, even one a day, can impair judgement (depending on what kind of person he is you could get some facts off the net to show him) so it is very unlikely that it will make him a better parent (in fact more likely it will make him worse) although it may make him think that it does. Perhaps tell him that you rely on him and depend on him being clear-headed and focused.

It may also be worth asking (sensitively) if there is anything he is worried about. I.e. is he using cannabis in particular to mask a fear of being a father again or something like that? Is it perhaps something that he thinks he can control, at a time when fathers particularly can feel out of control, having done their 'bit'. Is he stressing about affordability or coping with two young children? I'm just speculating here of course.

All of this advice does of course, depend on the kind of person he is. If he likes to be needed/in charge/important etc then let him know that is what you need too.

I can't think of what else might help but I really hope that you manage to sort it out.

Edward x-posts...

I think looking for a compromise is a good idea and one that he is more likely to react positively to. It's good that he is only smoking outside the house.

Depending on what AD's he is taking it may not be a good idea to be smoking cannabis as well. Even though cannabis can work as an AD it can also cause depression and may react with the ADs he is already taking. See this: www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/865.aspx?CategoryID=73&SubCategoryID=103. Perhaps suggest that he give it a go with just the ADs for a while and see how he gets on.

I hope all the mn advice helped (although maybe best not to mention to him!)

Thanks tally his ADs are the SSRI type so safe to take and smoke.

I am going to suggest a trial period of not smoking to see if t is ADs making the improvement? That'll be my starting point if I get no success from that then I'll suggest making it a weekend only thing on the condition that he keeps it in his car or something as I don't want it in my house, especially if DS could come across it!

The problem is that we are both v similar and v stubborn and neither will back down as we feel like a "doormat" if/when we do meaning that we both end up digging our heels in.

I have however learnt my lesson that any agreement we make will be written down and if goalposts are ever moved again it will be over!

So sorry to hear that you're having a shit time worrying when you want to be in a chilled out place for the birth. I don't really know what to suggest for the best but it is worrying to see someone with mental health worries smoking cannabis. Perhaps encourage him to speak to his GP or read about cannabis and depression / psychosis online - it might get through to him how bad this is - agree with Tally that it is not compatible with caring for a toddler or newborn. Maybe tell him how much you need his support and how worried about him you are.
It's a difficult time to make an ultimatum but maybe you do need to say that the cannabis stops now even if he stops the cigs when he is a bit less stressed about the birth. Alternatively withhold kissing rights . That might convince him how strongly you feel without having to do without his support and help altogether. I will be thinking of you .

Well this is it think im defo in labour now ctx every 8 mins but really intense think I'll need to go to hospital soon just for some drugs!!

Update from earlier H doesn't seem willing to compromise I've said I'll put up until after Xmas and if we both still feel the same hen we'll call it quits!

Anyone on line?

Not sure if this is the start of something. Not got any sleep so far. Keep getting what feel like bad period pains low down, about every 10 mins or so. Not for very long and they kind of tail off. Not what I would call contractions though - but not really sure, what's the difference? Also some lower back ache.

All I can think about is that we didn't do the washing up last night and why didn't I get a tens machine!

Hi tally I'm here. Sounds like it could 've the start what's happening now? You ok? Xxx

I've been sent home again (at 2am) just phoned hospital again now as really struggling with pain, was told to have a bath and 2 paracetamol, really need the gas and air I think but midwife doesn't want me to go in just yet ctx every 4-5mins ATM

Sorry Little. Took two paracetamol and went to bed. Still not slept but dh giving me back rubs everytime (well, when he's not asleep).

Edward i think you're a bit further on than me. Good luck.

They seem to be up to about every 5 mins and last about 20-30 secs but they really don't feel anything strong enough to be a contraction. Could it be really intense bh? I hope not. I need to breath really deeply through them. Dh will need to leave for work in 40 mins if he is going so we need to decide, although he has a half day anyway as we have a scan at the hospital this afternoon (if I make it that far!) I hate not knowing.

Edward poor you, it's horrible waiting until you're deemed ready to be admitted. Try walking around/ up and down stairs etc to keep things progressing. Bath helped me at first until they got really intense.
tally are they increasing in intensity? Can you talk or do anything while having ctx?
Good luck both of you -yay more babies

They've certainly increased in intensity since they first started and I guess a little bit since then but still manageable (with breathing, rocking, back rubbing and grimacing!) Can't really talk through them, maybe one word at a time.

They now seem to be about 3 mins apart and last from 30-60 secs. I did manage to have a shower and wash my hair (I felt really gross so needed to) and I think that has slowed them down a bit.

We've still not decided where to go for the birth! The local mw centre or the hospital 40 mins away with the drugs/drs...

Tally mine felt like period type pains at first too. Good luck, it all sounds promising :) Try breathing and doing a bit of a hip swaying motion that might help :)

MrsH we did not tell anyone when we went in to labour (and had no intentions of doing so). Unfortunately I had arranged to meet my Mum at 10am to go round Wilmslow on the Wednesday but my waters had broken on the Tuesday so I had to lie to her and say I can't make meeting up because mw are short staffed and have changed our appointment time and we have to go to the hospital and just wait for an appointment! It was all a bit blaggy but we didn't want to tell anyone that I was in labour as it felt quite a personal thing and just something for DH and I to deal with. Also as we planned a home birth we didn't want people ringing the phone asking what was happening. We just wanted to keep it to ourselves and not feel under pressure to "perform" so to speak. Now we have PFB if we have another we will probably just ask a friend to look after Poppy (rather than tell relatives) as we would want another hb and don't want people fussing.

Jane honestly I felt that giving birth was fine and Poppy is 3 weeks old today and we are already talking about baby number 2 so we would do it again. The only thing I thought is that the pushing was most definitely the most effort I have ever used in my WHOLE life, it was bloody hard work - but purely on effort, it wasn't painful.

Edward I feel for you re the smoking, I think what others have said is all you can do for now, give him until the New Year then if he is still being ridiculous you need to think about yourself and your babies. In the meantime good luck with labour :)

Chocolate I guess your DH is just having a final freak out! . I reckon he will get a grip when baby is here, fingers crossed :)

Morning all! Hope things are progressing nicely for all who have been getting ctx overnight! How exciting that your LO's could be here very soon

Am 39 +3 today. Saw midwife yesterday who said all is well...am measuring 40+ weeks and she expects LO to be a comparable size to DS, who was 8lb 9! She also hinted that she thinks this one might be pink but we will have to wait and see. She has booked me in for a sweep next wed if I haven't gone in already by then. Getting a few niggly pains down low but feel more like LO is lying awkwardly rather than contractions. Other than that there is no sign of an imminent arrival here

Go go go Edward and Tally! It sounds like this is it for both of you... Good luck

Cheshire Thank you for your reassurance. Whilst I'm prepared for pain and immense hard work, my fears are for the baby's health and her safety, and mine of course too. But I think that's completely normal and I imagine everyone else feels/felt the same.

Edward Tally all the best!

Although I am around 3/5 engaged, my baby is still really high up, her feet are still kicking my ribs and her bottom is above my tummy button. MW said she's long - is anyone else's baby still so high? Do you think it means she's going to be a huge baby? lol

oh and 40+8