Ante-Natal Depression - Support Each Other

[flamesparrow]

I've seen it mentioned on a few other threads, and thought that some kind of support thread might help (sorry if there is already one going somewhere... I tried to search but am useless at it ).

Thought it went well as a "club"

Antenatal depression is much more common than people seem to realise. There are so many things going on, that it is not surprising that we get overwhelmed, and sometimes that can spiral into a real depression.

For all those who are worrying (as far as I have been able to read up) - there is no link between antenatal depression and PND, so if you are very low now, please don't panic and assume it will continue when you have your baby... a whole new set of feelings and hormones kick in then

Soooo... if you are pregnant and feeling low, come here, have a rant, a cry, and hopefully we can help eachother through it.

Kiteflying i agree with b-licous and know that your circumstances are obvously your own but many women have similar feelings, people just don't talk about it. i felt the same, thought i would be overjoyed but instead have felt more miserable than i have ever felt in my whole entire life! i thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life and i couldn't tell my partner the extent of my feelings because i could hardly admit them to myself they felt so wrong...after 3 months i felt i was about to fall off the edge so i told the midwife who referred me to a counsellor who specialises in maternal issues. at first i was too ashamed to admit i needed help (never having needed any before), but now i am pleased that i didn't did let myself fall off the edge, becuase that's what would have happened. i really urge you to take advantage of the help that is out there. there's no magic pill to make everythign ok but chances are you'll feel a teeny bit better if you take a positive step. and just pouring out everytihng here helped me to feel alot better too! feeling like it's ok to feel the way you do, people here could understand better and most unlikely to go 'huh? that's not how you're supposed to be feeling!'! oh and don't worry about the effect of depression on your baby, i have one easy going friend who had a joyful pregnancy and one neurotic one who had a bad time and was miserable throughout. now the first friend has a screaming cholicy baby who has been giving her hell for 3 months, and the other friend has the most calm happy little baby you ever saw! so i don't think it's a science. though wish i could take my own advice...i also worry that my depression has impacted....i'm 6 foot tall strong, medium build and feel i should have a big baby inside me but she's only normal sized apparently. feel bit guilty that i should have rested more eaten better drunk less (i drink about 2 glasses of wine once or twice a week, and on new year's eve i drank three big ones, actually feel really guilty about this) anyway ho hum, i think we probably all spend way too much time beating ourselves up!

bumperlicious - i am taking full 9 months and then will see what happens...part time seems good option though again i feel i will lose the competitive edge. i am hoping to do bit of voluntary stuff (i work in charity sector) during maternity from home, to keep my hand in...hate thought of sliding backwards.... not that i'm a fiercely ambitious career woman. quite like idea of smallholding with chickens....far from the madding crowd.

Thanks to longlady, pattilou and bumperlicious - you are all stars for taking the time to answer my long and unpleasant rant. I still have not heard back from my GP but on your advice will be more pushy on Monday morning. I do feel better just for setting it down, but I think I have some way to go. I know I am a worrier but I don't think it is as simple as cheering up somehow.

Oh and longlady, your story about your two friends was hugely comforting. Whenever I am in danger of tipping over at home, my BF tsks me about how bad it is for the baby to be this upset and worried...

New to all this, but have been guided to this thread. Have had nearly 3 weeks to get use to being pregnant and still not even a glimmer of happiness. we had been trying and then decided to stop and hey presto i'm pregnant! I thought i would be over the moon and never could have imagined such a desperate feeling over lonliness. I want my body back, i want to stay as four and i don't want to feel so tired, tearful, moody and guilty for feeling like this. I want to give my 2 the world and i don't want their little worlds to be disrupted by this baby. I am living a lie by pretending to be happy about it and those who know keep saying "oh look at that cute baby, you'll have one soon" and to be honest i feel nothing, no broodiness no nothing. I can't go through with an abortion but feel myself steering towards praying for a miscarriage. God what an awful person i am, i never felt like this with the others and i never could've dreamt i would react like this. I feel so down about the whole thing

Hi again Marshmellow
I don't have anything more helpful to say than what I put on your last thread, but just wanted to welcome you to this thread and to say that I know there will be more people along who will be able to give you advice or just sympathy.
I spent a lot of my first few months thinking 'if I miscarried now would I be that upset?', feels awful doesn't it? And now people keep saying to me 'but you'll have a baby a the end of all this' and I just reply 'you say that like it's good thing'. I know that to most other mum's these will seem like the most awful sentiments but no-one on this thread wants to feel like they do, and we all feel masses of guilt about it, which just compounds everything. But you are not an awful person, ok? You can't help how you feel, you just need to find a way to deal with it. We'll try and help

Marshmellow, your feelings are much like mine have been, I am still a bit in denial, but have now moved on to feeling like I think I should - but can't - start to look forward to the baby because I have not wanted it for so long that if I suddenly change my mind fate will get even and something awful will happen. My DS1 is having such a hard time at school and DS2 is so clingy and I feel that it is all such bad timing. My DH is still over the moon and I am so shattered and can't sleep for worrying about my boys and their problems, and other things (like DH needing an operation on a recurring injury and therefore needing 3 months off work that we can't afford even without another baby, and other trivial stuff), and getting cramp in my leg, and just general crapness. It makes it worse that these are things you just can't put into words in general conversation, although I have tried to DH but I don't think he "got it".
Hopefully the support, understanding, humour and chance to rant on here will help us through, and when the baby comes it will all be fine. Take care all.X.

Keep trying to justify that i can't have it because i have probably done so much damage by smoking! Trying to tell myself that tomorrow i will quit and seeming as i can't go through with an abortion i had better start taking care of myself and the baby. Am struggling to find any positives, keep looking at baby bits thinking it might spark something but no such luck. Feel too guilty about the impact this will have on my other 2, less money etc etc. Just got independent again with a job, more money, hols abroad etc and now thats all going to stop. Things have moved on so much from the days when we starting trying!

Again, similar, but alcohol in my case (as we weren't trying and it was so unexpected had been drinking as normal before I did the test.)
We'll both just have to hang on in there. I'm sure there will be something to trigger a positive reaction soon (for both of us).

I feel like I need to join this thread - am due in April - same as weeonion.

This pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and I was quite shocked when found out, as was dh! I only really wanted two and with my youngest 3 1/2 was getting out of the baby phase of my life quite happily. when people found out was pg - there were so many negative comments like 'you must be mad having three' - well I knew I was but what was I meant to do. Have tried some serious retail therapy for baby stuff to help me get my head round it and try to get excited - but am not really.

I then had hideous morning sickness to 16 weeks and then things started to get better, so I felt better for a month until the spd kicked in. The spd is painful and affects not just me but doing stuff with my boys - can't go for walks/ park etc and feel trapped inside house - can go to soft play but so expensive. Do go round to friends with kids same age which is great.

As have got bigger have got more tired and very grumpy. Have insomnia now which is just awful. Feel really low most of the time and quite sad. DH asks what is wrong and I just can't explain it. When the boys play up its worse because I wonder how on earth I'm going to cope with 3 children. When all is well I think it will be fine and am quite happy about it. Sometimes I just don't want to be near the boys which I then feel guilty about.

I cry most days about one thing or another - mainly when it all feels too much e.g. work/boys/housework etc etc

I have a lovely new nursery and all the baby stuff all ready - but don't get excited when go in there at all.

I'm not sure whether have depression or its just tiredness or whether I'm heading for depression because of the tiredness.

I am worried about the baby because he doesn't roll round to the front - I do get lots of kicks and he is head down but never feel his back down my tummy - no-one else seems to be worried at all. I just instinctively feel there is something wrong and don't feel reassured at all.

I have been to see a medical herbalist about the insomnia and am about to embark on some concoction she has made. She asked me alot about feeling unhappy and depressed so she obviously thinks it is linked and has put some flower remedies onto the mixture to help with this.

What do you think? Am I just overtired or do I have AND? How do you know you are depressed rather than just unhappy?

Hi 10weeks, glad you found us. My situation is a bit different yours, but I kinda know how you are feeling. For me too the big question is how do you know if it's AND or just pregnancy stuff, after all being pg is not a barrel of laughs, especially if you are sick, tired and in pain a lot of the time - no wonder you are feeling miserable! Probably a lot of what you are feeling is down to this fear you have of something not being right. Is there something you can do to get checked out? Have you spoken to your MW/GP about it? I imagine that once you can reassure yourself that it is ok you might feel better.
I guess even if it is just pg stuff and unhappiness rather than AND, perhaps some medication will help you cope a bit better.
I've decided that I probably am not depressed I just really don't like being pregnant and have lots of fears, and have stayed away from taking medication (even though my midwife offered) because my symptoms are temporarily relived by doing nice things like buying new clothes (for me!) and eating cake and bad things and just generally pampering myself - it's my way of self-medicating! If even that is still making you feel down, or you can't even get up the motivation to do something nice for yourself then perhaps what you are feeling is more like depression. That is just my non-expert opinion. A good test would be to see if you can have a brief break from your boys, give yourself some pocket money (even if is just £10) and go and buy yourself something nice (for you not anyone else), and perhaps buy a trashy magazine and a BIG piece of cake and just have an hour or two to yourself, and see if that rejuvenates you a bit. It's trite, I know, but it works for me! I would definitely chat to your MW about your worries.
Finally, don't listen to anyone else about being 'mad to have 3' or anything like that. It's not very supportive behaviour, doesn't help you so best just steer clear of people who make comments like that.
Post on here anytime and say whatever you like. Not enjoying pregnancy seems to be the last taboo, and I am determined to break it. Sickness, tiredness, looking like a teletubby, constipation, joint pain, beng poked and prodded from inside for 5 months, then pushing the equivalent of a grapefruit through your nostril ...what's to love about it?

Thanks bumperlicious - had another bout of tears this afternoon and went to bed for a couple of hours while dh looked after the boys. He is worried about me and keeps asking what is wrong - but I just can't say.

I do try to get out and give myself treats, buy things for me and have time just for me - it does make me feel better for a bit. Maybe should just do it more often! Think will book myself in for a massage this week before half term arrives next week. I am going to my sisters next week so will chat to her about it aswell. she loved being pregnant so don't think she will understand but know she will be supportive anyway - but she does have a habit of talking at me/over me and rarely get a word in edgeways and then she tells me I bottle things up!

I was thinking about maybe going for one of those 4D scans to try and help bond with the baby - what do you think?

Do you mean you can't say as in you don't want to explain, or you can't say because you don't really know what is wrong, or at least can't articulate it?
As for the 4D scan, it's up to you. It depends how much money you have to spare at this time. Personally, I don't think it will solve the problem for you. As far as I know they are not diagnostically any better than an normal scan, and (so people keep telling me) you can't expect to bond with it at this stage. Easy for me to say, I'm the one who's been crying because I don't feel like I'm bonding with my baby and I come away from my scans feeling like I'm not reacting properly! But really, how can we expect to bond with something that we can't see and that is causing us so much discomfort! You have to do whatever you feel will help, but I think the money will be better spent on something else right now.
Be careful talking to your sister in case she (unintentionally) makes you feel worse. I told my oldest friend and the only close friend I know with a baby that I hated being pg and she just said 'why?' and 'you should think yourself lucky'. Which is true, but also wasn't what I wanted to hear, so I just know that perhaps she isn't the person to speak to about it. I hope you do have someone you can talk to. Can you explain things to your DH? You can talk to us any time though. I hope you feel better soon, but if you don't make sure you tell someone.

Thanks bumperlicious

I thinkk its more trying to explain it - spoke to him last night and the only way I see it is an accumulation of sickness, tiredness and pain making me feel down.

I have decdied to buy a new coat from Boden instead of a scan!

Also have decided to go for an elective section and sterilisation - will speak to midwife on tuesday about it. I had a section with my first - pre-labour as his heart rate was dropping, had vbac ventouse with second and huge episiotomy with second - and he was huge - actually recovered better from the section than the natural delivery. Think also knowing when the baby is coming will be good for me and also if decide to be sterilised that will never have to do this again!

Name change btw!

I don't have anything supportive to add to anyone, just need to type! We have all had V&D this week - I was ill first and then typically (just when I was getting over it and actually felt better than I've felt for months) Dh gets it too and worse than me!!! I have had two days solid of the boys )keeping them quiet and out of the way etc) and - hate to say this - am sick of the sight of them! Am still worrying about the how will I cope with three and how can I ask my mum for help when she doesn't approve. Bugger.
Went to see my sister today and came home feeling like I wanted to burst into tears. I should have gone for a walk with the boys instead. It is half term now too. Double bugger.
I am also worrying (pointlessly of course because it will happen no matter what) about getting fatter (I am fairly hefty anyway), not helped by my sister being on her normal new year diet and having lost 8lb without even trying and banging on about smaller jeans etc. (I know from the experience of the last two years it won't last and she will put it back on, and don't get me wrong I am happy for her, I could just do without hearing it at the moment.) I have done my antenatal workout video twice (!) this week and hope to keep that up and do walking, but I just don't want to be so fat that it causes problems later on (I am 20 weeks now, the only plus to this is that I don't show at all yet, except to DH who looks closely!) I don't even know what problems it might cause but am worrying about it anyway.
Is female sterlisation done by lazer surgery or is it a bit more complicated than that?

Hello! They cut or clip your tubes so the eggs can't come down and be fertillisaed but apparently the cut can heal - no test to see if worked... now am thinking coil but maybe just get it done and no foreign objects inside me to worry about! and avoid sex when would have ovulated - no that I know when that is! aararaaggghhhhh

Avoiding sex does not work - that's why I'm here!
Feeling better today - DH told DS1 & 2 about the baby (I couldn't bear to be there when he did it). DS2 screamed for 10 minutes after he told him but wanted to know why I hadn't brought the baby when I came back. DS1 is actually pleased (I thought he would pack a spotted hanky and leave home...) and they have been choosing names and talking bunk beds... It might make it easier - if the boys are ok it's one less thing for my mum to have a go at!
Will have to find out about coil. THIS IS DEFINITELY THE LAST ONE

yes thats why I am here too!

Having a better day today - yo-yoing between natural birth and coil versus section and sterilisation - two extremes - needs alot fo thought - will speak to my midwife tomorrow!

Hi there. Some of you have met me already on this thread and also on other ones.

Just wanted to draw your attention to my latest post "Calling all Londoners - MN discount" - the course might be of interest you guys as we'll be looking at mental health as well as all the other emotional issues. I'm offering a massive MN discount on my course.

Patricia xx

Well - went to see midwife today (different one to usual) and she was really supportive - have been booked into see consultant about delivery options and also because measuring 3 weeks ahead!! (size thing - not wrong dates!) She thinks an elective section may be best considering size, spd and depression - would also mean would have to rest after birth rather than rushing about trying to do stuff and could concentrate on breastfeeding which had been worrying me).

DH is quite keen on a section too. Think the ventouse delivery last time has left him quite scarred! (let alone me!)

she didn't think medication was the best way forward - which is fine - said it would mask the cause - and said need to make sure get enough time to myself and treat myself more! So bought two new pairs of shoes on way home

Must go feed myself and ds2!

hi new on this thread so hello to everyone - i asked my mw for c section a fews weeks ago because of trauma of last delivery both me and dh suffered postnatal depression and our whole family broke down because of it - mw was a bitch abpout it saying things like its easier 2nd time round, and usualy babies come out alot quicker sometimes between 5 - 10 mins of pushing - wouldnt listen to me left in tears everytime i seen her - so dh came with me to explain just how it has , is and would effcet us - she had no choice but to refere us to consultant - who was lovely he said ' if thats what you want then u shall have it needless to say stress levels a lot lwer now

I was looking for this ealier today as i can't work whether it's Antenatal depression or hormomes. Or maybe just everything.

A little background on me.

I have suffered from mild depression since about 13yrs old, was borderline with PND when i had dd 3 years ago haven't taken any ad's.

I am about 12 weeks pg at the moment, i had a m/c last june, and have just found out in the last few weeks that my dad has cancer, when i was pg last time my nan was dying. I can't help thinking it's all my fault. I am realy not liking myself.

Anyway how i feel at the moment is that i keep wanting to cry,or just crying at a drop of a hat. Can not be bothered to anything other then making myself get up and about as i have to look after dd and dh.

lizzie - start with positives hun - congrats on ur pregnancy!!!!!!!! as for everything else well sounds similar to me except i took anti's with my pnd but stopped them - naughty me i know - my biggest fear this time round is it happening again - sounds like you have had a tough time but remember thats what is 'you having a tough time - not being at fault'

Hi all, hope everyone is doing ok.
Lizziemun, I don't know whether it's just hormones or AND. With everything that you've got going on no wonder you feel terrible - who wouldn't? The question is, would taking medication help you deal with things better? It's such a minefield.
Lillaura, sounds like you had an awful time with your 1st labour, glad you are getting your CS.
After another blip today I have decided to speak to my GP and if she offers me ADs I think I'm going to take them. It's difficult though. If anyone else needs advice (i.e. Lizziemun) I would say if you need them take, sometimes you just need some help, after all I've studied the brain and depression, sometimes it's just chemical. But when it comes to making that decision myself I feel like I would be such a failure if I took them. Should I just pull my socks up and get on with it?
Got so stressed today about the stupidest things, that I can't help - how crap my flat it (it isn't), I don't have nice furniture, it doesn't look like they do in magazines (whose does?!), how are we going to fit a baby in our flat, why can't DH stop leaving his clothes in the spare room (when mine are sprawled all over the bedroom). I'm a horrible wife and my DH is brilliant. Don't know how long he can put up with me. I think I owe it to him to get some ADs. It's just too many changes, not dealing with it very well, fel out of control. Humpfff

hi ladies im back after the last couple of hours suffering in pain bugger knows wot was wrongwalked to the shop very very slowly thinking it mite ease back and tummy ache - got worse found myself having to sit in pathment for 5 mins cuz was in soo much pain - wen got bk out ds down for a nap (brley managing at all) had a half hour soak in bath till baby moved position now feeling bit stiff but not in pain - was scared for a bit dh on way home early bless him

Hi everyone - no need to read this, I just need to sound off after a crap week!
My sister is bing more superior than normal (and that's saying something) she has had people at work telling her to buy smaller pants (!) and so she rang me to see if I wanted her vast ones. I had my first night out with DH for 21/2 years and I didn't enjoy myself and it made me cry all day the day after (especially when DH shouted at DS1). I have had a week of visiting teenage stepson who didn't give a flying f* about his Dad throughout the whole time I have been married to hime, until he became old enough to go to the pub, and so have not been able to sit on my sofa in my PJs and have had to be nice all the time (and DS1&2 think he's great) and have not had a conversation with DH all week (not even when we went out because he knew all the people there and I didn't - I think I have a servile - is that a word?- complex and I felt like I belonged "below stairs". I am UNBELIEVABLY disagreeable and still want to cry all the time.
BUGGER.
And it was Valentines and DH didn't bother at all (we maybe did agree not to, but when I am PG that is not the point) and had two special nights on at work for other people celebrating (he is chef), but not for me.
AND...my Mum (who has not been the most supportive so far) sadi something in response to what BIL had said when told about PG, along the lines of "it's your life"!!!
I apologise. I hope I have a good week and my next post will be worthwhile andcheery...