Ante-Natal Depression - Support Each Other

[flamesparrow]

I've seen it mentioned on a few other threads, and thought that some kind of support thread might help (sorry if there is already one going somewhere... I tried to search but am useless at it ).

Thought it went well as a "club"

Antenatal depression is much more common than people seem to realise. There are so many things going on, that it is not surprising that we get overwhelmed, and sometimes that can spiral into a real depression.

For all those who are worrying (as far as I have been able to read up) - there is no link between antenatal depression and PND, so if you are very low now, please don't panic and assume it will continue when you have your baby... a whole new set of feelings and hormones kick in then

Soooo... if you are pregnant and feeling low, come here, have a rant, a cry, and hopefully we can help eachother through it.

again - i am not much help. is yr dp/ dh supportive? have u spoken to yr MW about this?

Bumper, I loved your summary of us all! Maybe control freakery is what we have in common? I have OCD as I said earlier which is basically a control freak's way of dealing with an imperfect world. I hate change, unless I instigate it, and I hate the fact that in pg my body is changing despite me not wanting it to. And what i really hate is that I am going to end up with a baby like it or not.

Bumper, ask away, I am a very open (some have said too open) person. My dh is 11 years older than me at 49 (he is a very young looking and often acting 49). He and I met when I was 30, he was 41. He is unususal in that he was never married, and has no kids. He did not want children then and neither did I. Then when he was 44 or so he changed his mind and worked on me. I wanted cats! I have extracted all sorts of promises from him, he will do all the night stuff (we work together from home), and so on. Luckily he is really sympathetic and on the ball psychologically speaking so is ultra supportive.

I think I am terrified fundamentally of the responsibility of a child. Longlady, I also found out through my shrink that I am a commitment phobe. Well, a child is the biggest commitment one can make, it is socially unacceptable for a woman to walk away from her offspring even though men are 'allowed'. Next time, I am coming back as a man....

my midwife is very supportive and is going to have a private appointment with me about 'life after the nirth'. I knew her when I had dd2 and she very friendly and knows all about the situation
dh is supportive but having his own problems. he has just left the navy and is starting his own business, I know he is feeling very stressed about no longer having a definite income.

we have a large mortgage and credit cards and loans so money was tight before he left so now he's really worried.

I've hesitated about posting on this thread, as I don't want to intrude on a very personal thread with what might just seem a plug for my work. But I thought it might be helpful for some of you to know that I'm running a course looking at the emotional challenges of becoming a mother, and a lot of the subjects I'll be covering are ones that seem to be affecting many of you - identity, perfectionism, guilt, relationships and mental health.

Next ones are March (London) and June (S. Wales, with residential places available). More information available here .

Just thought you might like to know about it - I've posted officially in the classifieds section, but I know lots of people don't look in there.

Patricia xx

i have also suffered from OCD off and on for years and hate feeling out of control,which i do when preg cos it's like my body belongs to somebody else and theres stuff happening in it i cant do anything about.

i did go on to suffer PND after my first two but their father was abusive and they were both traumatic births so i dont know if that had anything to do with it.with 3 and 4 the births were very positive experiences and although i suffered from anxiety etc in the months following i didnt get full-blown PND.

trinity-my ds2 was 2.5 when i had dd2,the only problem i had was with him randomly attacking her,so i couldnt leave them alone together for the first few weeks.i founfd the older 2 were a great help ,though.ds1 was 11 months when i had dd1,and he wasnt sleeping through the night.in fact,he didnt start sleeping through till he was 4.luckily,dd1 slept through from 6 weeks

was going to say more but the teething dd2 is crying...

Gosh, I hope everyone didn't mind me refering them as control freaks! It's just I noticed weeonion say something about it in one of her posts, and as I recount at lot of my fears at the moment I've noticed most of them are to do with not having control and not knowing what is going to happen. I am a definite planner, and have a baby and everything that goes with it goes against all that. I don't suffer OCD but my control freakery manifests in various ways, I can be irrationally anxious over things that I really shouldn't worry about (what if DH dies and leaves me on my own) and body and food issues (well, who can't empathise with that?).

Doggus, I'm a bit too open too very often! I'm just a bit too self aware for my own good! And I don't know why but I feel the need to tell people more than they really want to know. The golden rule is never to ask me how I am unless you you want an honest answer! My DH and I have been together since I was 19 and he was 35 (we met at uni) and he had never been married or had kids. There's up sides and down sides. If he had been younger we probably would have waited a bit longer before having kids as I have a good job that I worked hard to get but have only been in it for just under 2 years. But the plus side is he has been just so supportive and is so ready for this, I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. He looks and dresses younger, but has emotional maturity.

Pattilou, I have no problem with your posting on here, it does sound interesting. But money would be my main barrier. I couldn't see how much the course was?

good eveing folks
bumper - i didnt mind u saying about control freaks.. i think what u said in last post is pretty accurate but i dont if that applies to all. there is the element of it all being overwhelming and "out there". nothing we can can pull it back under our plans and lists.
i think there is some common things amongst us - maybe there is just certain people who are most predisposed to AND??

trinity - i feel for you. it sounds like thre is loads going on, on top of this pg. not really sure what to say to make it any better / ease it but here to listen. xoxo

divastrop - hope the teething aint too traumatic and loud!

long lady - how are you doing??

doggus - am i right in this is yr first child? how is dp about it now. do u mind me asking how he is with u having a hard time?

Hi bumper. Yes, anyone asking me about how I am gets the lot too! Your dh sounds splendid. I think I would have delayed the children issue forever were it not for my dh's age. He will be 50 when this baby is born, which funnily enough is the same age as HIS father was when he had him. To give you an idea of the generation gap, dh's mother, my mil, is 89!

Hi weeonion. Yes this is my first child. Dh is very supportive of my OCD, depression and general terror of children. He knows that if it wasn't for him I probably would never have procreated, so I think he is also grateful! We have had bad years before this with my OCD, and he has always been really caring so I am very lucky.

Divastrop - as a fellow OCD sufferer, can I ask you if your OCD got any worse after the babies' arrival? One of my OCD 'things' is cleanliness, so I am a bit worried about my already excessive handwashing, especially with a new born.

Lastly, I am sure no-one minds about the control freak thing, bumper, it just really helps that there are other people feeling the way i am feeling: I don't feel quite so freaky!

hello ladies hope you all having a good week. i have felt LOTS better since spending hours here on Saturday night.

bumper, didn't mind at all, you hit the nail on the head! and your posts made me laugh so triple points.

It does make sense that people who have control issues are more prone to fears/anxieties during pregnancy. I guess we need to try and SURRENDER OURSELVES...also maybe we'll feel better when the baby is here because we can control it (BWAAHAHAHAHAH - evil controlling laugh). No i'm joking and know that's unrealistic! I know I have to focus more on the surrendering and less on trying to find other areas of my life that I can control!

you know, i feel better just thinking about surrendering myself...it feels peaceful. my best friend had a baby and says the easiest way is to surrender yourself to it all, don't fight it. i think i'm going to make a morning mantra. maybe we can brainwash ourselves nicely...

i never had any specific problems with ocd,more that my anxiety would produce ocd symptoms such as carrying out rituals and doing things in a certain order etc.i didnt find it got worse after the birth that i can remember,though i know i suffered severe anxiety after having ds2.i have had friends who suffered and had the problem with cleanliness etc which was a problem after the birth cos of all the stuff you read about steralising etc.

I'll match that doggus. My youngest bro' is 9, DH's eldest is 57! My parents are both 46 (years older than DH) his mum is 77! I am the eldest of a young family and he is the youngest of an older family. Funnily enough DH is the same age as his dad was when he was born, 41. Families eh? No wonder we are all on a depression thread!

Hi diva, thank you for answering. I am lucky that dh is going to do the sterilising bit if I can't breastfeed. I have already said I don't think I can cope - I will end up sterilising twenty times in a row... I have already got a 'thing' about bleach, if I put it down the kitchen sink, I imagine I have poisoned our evening meal in the oven!

LOL bumper. Funny that both our dh's obviously had a subconscious timeframe for having children. I really wish I had met my dh when I was younger, like you. Luckily dh is from a very very long living family which is another reason he didn't mind having children late. His grandmother was 109 when she died...and that was only because she gave up on life as she was bored!

Longlady - apparently there is a book out called The Surrendered Wife, whereby we should give up any career, and bring dh pipe, slippers and gourmet food every evening. We could be Surrendered Mummies and just sink into a morass of chaos, Playdough on the ceiling and sick on our shoulders, and just not care....!

Hi everyone. I have just read through this WHOLE THREAD (because I couldn't bring myself to miss any of it out). I am about 18 weeks (I think, it never means anything to me so I don't take much notice.) with my 3rd.
This is going to be a long post ...
I am 28, DH is 41(I think, in both cases), we have been married 11 years this June. DS1 is 91/2, DS2 just 3. We had considered TTC next year maybe, if DH settled at work for longer than 8months (CHEF - say no more), but I was ill and on antibiotics and got a bit mixed up, hence here we are. I also had small bleed about a week after missed period so didn't really believe... Anyway, told my parents first (in November) who were so shocked (and quietly disapproving, to the point where I feel like I've committed some sort of crime) that we didn't tell anyone else until LAST WEEK. My MIL said "oh dear" and it sounds like my FIL immediately rushed round to tell DHs ex and 2 teenagers before he had chance to do it himself, hey also made noises about us needing to move to somewhere bigger and that they already have 10 GKs etc. Luckily my two sisters were thrilled (almost to the point of envy!!!) as was my best friend(ditto). She says "there is always room in your home for the people you love"
Dh is thrilled, has been since the test. I am indifferent i think is best to decribe it. I was on ADs when I got PG with DS1 and came off too soon I think. I have been on and off them since then and was told about AND/pre-natal depression with DS2 when I was signed off work (it was a job I hated anyway so that helped). I have been feeling terrible this time round, not helped by the reaction we have had (I want to call the child Connie - short for the INCONVENIENCE we are causing everyone, don't think DH will let me).DS2 woken - will finish later - all go for a cup of tea!!!!!!!

Hi Mummyjx, welcome to the thread.
What's with your family? I don't get what their problem is with you having another child? You are both grown up and married, your other children are at a perfect age, what's the problem. Is it financial? There is never a good time in that repect. If DH and I waited until the time was right job and money wise we wouldn't have done it for years! How did you feel AFTER your other children were born? Did things get better for you? Stick around on this thread anyway, it's a nice antidote to all the 'isn't being pregnant brilliant?' threads and RL comments - not that we want to depress each other even further, just reassure ourselves that we are fairly normal!

After another tearful incident at work on weds I've decided to take some of my annual leave to have some 4 day weeks, and just chill out for a bit. Luckily my boss is fab, and is really sympathetic about how I feel (even though he's a man). I feel like a bit of a flake though! Plus, I hate wasting leave doing nothing, I feel like I should be doing something eciting with it. But this seems to be the only way to combat my extreme tiredness and grouchiness so I'm giving it a go! God, what happened to the motivated career women with a master's degree and ambition to be director of her company? Oh yes, she's asleep on the sofa!

mummyjx - seems wicked of people to bring you down about this, they should be supporting you. and yes i agree with bumper... this is a brilliant place to feel that sometimes it's ok to not feel ok during/about pregnancy. problem is when you feel bad all day every day without relief that's when you need help - my midwife referred me to counsellor which has been great, i recommend it.

b-licious - I get angry that sometimes i really do have to take it easy whether or not i like it (the control issue again) and also thinking about doing some 4 day weeks. I have tended to view this pregnancy as a weakness, a vulnerabilty i just didn't want to be associated with. (none of this wandering around feeling like a powerful woman life-source bollocks)i'm also taking 9 months off but bit worried about falling behind in career... but i am learning a bit to let go, surrender a little, let DP run around a bit more (that I CAN get used to - unlearning it is going to be hard) i hope you don't beat yourself up about it too much (truly, we are our own worst enemies) you don't sound like a flake to me. also we grouchy ones owe it to our DPs/DHs to get as much rest as possible. when i'm not well rested i am positively venomous.

Longlady, I am also going to take 9 months off, and I too am worried about the affect this will have on my career. Because of the way my company works when I go back I will have to go into another role (this isn't a discrimination thing, I would have done after 3 years anyway), so going back to work I will have to cope with starting a new job, working again after 9 months off (I have never since before school done 'nothing' for that amount of time) plus coping with leaving a young baby. I think I am going to go back part time, fortuately my work are v flexible - what will you do? But I do feel all the hard work that I have put in these past 2 years to network and get to know people and make a name for myself will all go to waste and when I go back they will all be like 'bumper-who?' (obviously my name is't bumper in real life - that would just be weird!). You're right though, I owe it to DH and my colleagues to take it a bit more easy!

bumper-when are you due?have you had any support on here from career women who already have children and have gone back to work?

mummyjx-i think its unacceptable to have more than 2 children nowadayspeople seem to think they can make rude+offensive comments if you are expecting no 3+ as it must have been an accident.when i first found out i was expecting my 4th child,at least 3 people said 'are you going to keep it?'.only one person said congratulations!!
now im expecting number 5 ive learnt to let the comments go in one ear and out the other.even my mother said 'are you mad?'.

on the subject of ages,my dp has a 12 month old brother...uncle to dd2 who is 13 months

Hi again (DS2 has not been awake this long, but I couldn't get the damned computer to switch on until DH did it tonight). Thanks for all your support. I wish you all the support I can give in your own circumstances (I am not good with people but will try hard to check what I write for offensiveness before I post).
I think I had just about finished my sorry tale of woe. My midwife asked if I have OCD (which I don't - I think, although I do have a problem with obsessive worrying...maybe I need to look into this further.), she has offered to see me at any time I need a chat and can refer me to a counsellor if I want. I am seeing how I go. I was hoping not to have to go to my GP this time! I was a bit gutted that I have to see a hopsital consultant because I was told by the forst midwife I saw that my BMI was too high for me to have midwife-only care. I told my regular midwife this and she said not to worry - with my hitory of AND I would be seeing him anyway!!!!! NIce to know. I usually feel better and have much more energy after the arrival. Am hoping I will this time too, although, who knows with three! Bye for now (have been for a walk in the local forestry with the boys today and feel SO MUCH BETTER - nature therapy.)

Hi - sorry, Bumperlicious, I missed the bit of your post you addressed to me! My course costs £150 for the two days, including lunch and refreshments (for those of you who missed it, it's an antenatal course preparing for the emotional challenges of becoming a mother - rather than birth preparation or parentcraft). More details at{http://www.coachingformothers.com/courses.php\Coaching for Mothers}. As it's a central London venue I couldn't make it any less than this.

In case anyone's interested and can't make the course, I'm also available for one-to-one antenatal and postnatal coaching (by phone for maximum flexibility), dealing with any emotional or practical issues - prices all on my website. I would always urge anyone who thought they might have AND or PND to speak to their GP, health visitor or midwife - sounds obvious, but you'd be amazed how many people don't take this step.

Patricia x

Whoops - link didn't work! It's here

Hi, I am new to mumsnet and have patiently read through this thread looking for signs that I am not going mad. This is my first pregnancy, and an IVF pregnancy, and a desperately wanted baby for the last two years...so I was expecting to be overjoyed from the day we found out and instead I have been more miserable than I can ever remember being. It doesn't help that the time I took off for IVF last year (our second try in December was the winning ticket) has been noticed unfavourably at work and my boss sat me down to discuss performance issues a week after my pregnancy was confirmed, nor does it help that my relationship seems really shaky and not the stuff of forever happy families at all, nor that I had a scare at six weeks plus three (thankfully just implantation bleeding) and it has taken until now for me to believe that I won't lose this baby just by coughing the wrong way. But by the eighth week I felt so dangerously depressed I sat down with my GP and pleaded with her to get me some help - at only seven weeks pregnant! I just feel like a black cloud is over me all day and gets worse as soon as the morning sickness kicks in (which for me is at about midday and lasts til early evening) I have had days when I just don't want to be pregnant if it involves this level of desperation. I have tried changing my diet a bit, and tried sleeping more often but I cannot do anything about having to be in the office when I most want to sleep! My GP suggested CBT but has since not called me back (I am now nine weeks plus one) so I have had no support at all, and feel humiliated for even having admitted to feeling so low and full of failure. Being an Aussie in London, the worst is not being able to really admit to family back home how bad it is as I can't afford to worry them. My GP also suggested a thyroid test in case the depression was triggered by the extreme levels of tiredness I have had since week five, but said nothing about iron. Has anyone else had thyroid problems suggested to be the cause of depression in early pregnancy. I am just hoping, and truly praying, that this depression lifts soon as I am not sure I can feel this way for nine months without seriously having a nervous breakdown, and I am so so worried about the effect of this constant black mood on my precious son or daughter-to-be. All my natural pregnancy books say to keep positive and sunny for the sake of the baby's development and I am at my wit's end instead. My BF honestly thinks this is just some weird consequence of my being a natural worrier, and I absolutely cannot tell him how dangerously down I am. I felt like I actually hated him last week - for the whole week - and had this "deep realisation" which I hope fervently is a delusion, that having a baby with him is the worst mistake I have ever made. How do you say this to someone who loves you? I just have to hold down any of these more savage sensations.
Well, it has been good just to set it down honestly instead of dressing it up as "tiredness" the way I do with friends and family. Thanks for listening.

Hi Kiteflying, I'm glad you found this thread, you obviously need some support at the moment.
Firstly, ignore the baby books, and don't let anyone "should" you into feeling anything, that just makes things worse.
Secondly, there are some anti depressants that you can safely take during pregnancy. If your doctor won't offer them to you if you tell them how you are really feeling then see another doctor. It may not solve the cause of the depression, but they may help you deal with the rest of the pregnancy.
I don't know what to say about your relationship with DP. Did you feel like that before the pregnancy? Have you told him the full extent about how you feel (not the bit about him necessarily but how you are feeling so low)? What ever happens with you and DP this baby will certainly not be the 'worst mistake' that that have made.
It sounds like you are lacking in support around you, especially with your family being so far away. I can't be any more helpful to you as I have got through to the other side yet, but just try be honest about how you feel, not to everyone, but you just need to find someone to confide in. Hopefully from reading the thread you are realising that you are not alone, or abnormal in how you feel. I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say, just know that we are he re to listen to you

Kiteflying, sorry to hear you've been feeling like this - but it's more common than you probably realise. I'd really encourage you to follow up your GP. They're so hard pressed that they don't always take the initiative. She may be assuming that if you haven't been back, you're over the worst. Why not call her or make an appointment to see her and just explain that it's not getting any better?

A lot of people find CBT very helpful and effective, and it's always worth getting the blood tests done for thyroid. They may well check you for other deficiencies at the same time.

Good luck - and keep pestering!