Ante-Natal Depression - Support Each Other

[flamesparrow]

I've seen it mentioned on a few other threads, and thought that some kind of support thread might help (sorry if there is already one going somewhere... I tried to search but am useless at it ).

Thought it went well as a "club"

Antenatal depression is much more common than people seem to realise. There are so many things going on, that it is not surprising that we get overwhelmed, and sometimes that can spiral into a real depression.

For all those who are worrying (as far as I have been able to read up) - there is no link between antenatal depression and PND, so if you are very low now, please don't panic and assume it will continue when you have your baby... a whole new set of feelings and hormones kick in then

Soooo... if you are pregnant and feeling low, come here, have a rant, a cry, and hopefully we can help eachother through it.

Hope you don't mind CMN, am keeping an eye on this thread when I log on to make sure you are doing ok, good idea coming on here to write it all down, does make you feel better (does me anyway ) Please don't pressure yourself to feel connected to the baby yet....it's very hard to have a bond with someone you have yet to meet! Having a baby is not like the mags and films will have you believe, and no one should feel like shit for not dancing naked in the streets with joy, at one with nature, shouting the virtues of becoming a mum...you are going through a stressful time (buying our house nearly sent me insane) and it takes a good while to sink in that you are going to be a mum (for me it was labour ) You and DH should try and put as little pressure on yoursleves as possible, tackle one thing at a time and do you know what? If you haven't found what you are looking for housewise before baby is due so fucking what??? no big deal, no point panic buying I say, as long as you have the room to put a moses basket/cot somewhere you'll be fine...babies just need love and cuddles and I promise when you hold your little one in your arms it will be the most intense love ever
Keep posting, keep talking and never feel embarrased when you're feeling like shit, at least you are talking about it which is something many mums/mums to be don't do
Keep on Keeping on xxxxxxxx

good morning folks
just had a chance to come back on and try and catch up... i had my assessment at the perinatal unit on friday. bit scary but i am glad i went. (was gonna chicken out at the last minute and just not go) i have to go back in 2 weeks to make the decisions re meds and cog behavioural therapy. my dp has to come as well and they want us both to be workign together on this. bless him - he has felt completely lost in all of this and tbh has born the brunt of alot of my moods.

the weekend was ok but i am at least able to realise that if there is alot of baby chat / planning then i get freaked and scared that there actually wont be a live baby and we are makign plans for something that isnt goign to happen. not rational i know.

i hope the rest of you are getting through.
{{hugs}}

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all doing ok. CMN, this house stuff must be so stressful for you, and must exacerbate everything else. We went to look at another house to rent. It was 3 bed, kitchen, dinning room, conservatory and utility room (we live in a 2 bed flat - which we love) all recently re-done, it was beautiful and only £25 more than we currently pay! Major downside is it's half an hour away, DH and I work in opposite directions so would have to get another car (which we can afford) and moving is so expensive anyway. We decided against it but it has made me feel so unsettled and start to see all the negatives in our flat. I sobbed for 20 minutes straight on saturday night and just couldn't explain why to DH, wasn't just about the house, but everything got on top of me.
However, on the upside, I've gone back to yoga and started swimming lessons, so I feel a bit better, partly because I'm getting fitter again, but also I think because I am actually doing something with my evening, I feel like I am achieving something.
CMN, like you I'm still feeling pretty detached from the, but like justJam says we shouldn't put ourselves under so much pressure. We have no idea how other people really feel, probably just the same.
Weeonion, I'm glad you have support from you partner. I'd be lost without mine, but I am aware that he's starting to find my mood swings and selfishness a bit of a strain - it's a good job he loves me!

bumper - hey to you. hope you are ok. 20mins of uncontrolled crying aint so hot i guess but u sounded a bit more chipper now??

Hi everyone

Just popping in for a quick hello.

Justjam - thanks for keeping an eye on us hon, always nice to know.

Weeonin, sounds like you're taking some really positive steps? Any further developments?

Bumper - my advice is dont worry about the house stuff. We've decided to put it all on hold for a few months, maybe even until the baby is born. And that decision has made such a difference to my state of my mind - now I feel more able to focus on the pregnancy with much less negative feelings.

I think I was mixing up my worries about the house with being pregnant, and it just became one giant problem that I wanted to run away from. But now that we've just said 'sod the house', it has helped to put things into perspective and sort out my worries. Yes, I'm still terrifed about being pg, but I dont feel as negatively worried, if that makes sense? Once I'm more settled into the pregnancy, then we'll start looking again I think.

So my advice is (nicked from justjam) is just worry about one thing at a time. Make life as easy as you can for yourself in these early months and get used to the idea of being pregnant before you do anything else.

Hope everyone is OK this morning

Hello all - hope you all don't think I'm a fraud posting on here as not PG at the moment, but am still a new mum (DD is 4 months) and I can't help wanting to try my best to reassure you are not alone and people (like myself) have been where you are now. It can be a dark place sometimes and feel quite lonley, I didn't know about MN when I was PG and I wish I had been able to come on here and feel reassured. Instead of grinning at everyone I knew and keeping my fears to myself. Please don't think I'm giving it the big I am, or that I think I am some fecking PG/birthing guru, I just feel compelled to come on here and offer any support I can if anyone wants it...please feel free to tell me to piss off If I'm annoying
Am smiling here as the vibe is currently positive and it's great to see, taking one day/one thing at a time really helped me not feel under pressure, and talking about how you are feeling is my best advice, either on here or to someone close to you xxxxxxxx

hi,i havent read all of this thread yet as i need to go and lay down...i just noticed it whilst looking for the march stats thread.

i am expectinf baby no.5 on 14/3.i have suffered from AND in all my pregnancies,but was told it was just due to difficult circumstances,pregnancy being unplanned etc.so i thought this time i would be fine,seeing as i have a supportive dp and the pregnancy was planned.but i still ended up on prozac at 12 weeks and i'm amazed my dp is still here....

i did start to feel better at 24 weeks,ie the dark cloud started to lift,but i am now 31 weeks and am obviously not going to 'bloom'and am just waiting for the birth now,when i know everything will be ok again(that was my experience with my last two babies-as soon as they were out i felt like myself again).

i will read this whole thread tomorrow night when i feel more awake and hopefully my experiences can help me offer some support to others.

Hi bumper, doggus here from the June 2007 thread. You and I were suffering together!

I wanted to say that I am a lot better but only because I boosted the dosage of my antidepressants. I have been told I can take them all the way through (they are clomipramine, or Anafranil, and I have taken them for a few years for obsessive compulsive disorder).

I got myself in a complete depression spiral about being pg, despite ttc for three years. I worry about the effect on my relationship, and selfishly, the loss of my precious free time. What really bothers me is then idea of being totally responsible for another life.

I popped in to say, ADs have helped me hugely. Please please go to your GP if you are really suffering as there are options, other than nine months of hell!

Hi doggus
Glad you are doing ok. I'm just plodding along as I ever was, whingy as usual. I'm also worried about very selfish things like not having any money for myself or holidays (or rent for that matter), the fact that I can't do so many things at the moment. DH and I had planned a holiday to Morocco next month but I just can't go, I don't know why, but every time I thought about it I just got so panicky, so we are going to the Lake District instead. The pre-pg me would NEVER have passed up an exoctic holiday to spend a miserable February in rainy England.
My new big worry is what we are going to workwise after my maternity leave (I'm taking 9 months), everyone is telling me I need to get my name down at nurseries now because the places fill up, but htey are so expensive. DH hopes to find another job before then as he hates his (though he has being saying that for 2 years!) so we have no idea what position we are going to be in. I just can't deal very well with not knowing. Welcome the the world of having kids I guess!
I don't know if need ADs. I have always been highly strung, and anxious, I don't why I thought I would be better while I was pregnant. I just wanted to be good at this. I'm fed up not being me, but I've come so far that I can't remember what I was like pre-pg and can't get into perspective how I am feeling. When I see threads or hear about how well other people are doing in pg it makes me so and cross, not because I begrudge them having a good time, but because I think they think that I am making a big fuss out of nothing. My friends are being supportive, but none of them have babies and I worry that when they get pregnant that they will think the same thing, what was she making all the fuss about.
Oh, so many issues, I can't even begin to process them, plus having a difficult time at work (not because of pg). It makes me hark back to a time when women were sent away for their 'confinement', I wish I could be sent away somewhere relaxing where I didn't have to deal with anything else!
Apologies to everyone for all the big off-loading messages I keep writing. It's only really here that I can articulate how I feel, plus it stops me whinging at everyone in RL!

Hello, can I join this thread. I was referred here from a message I posted on the pregnancy topic. I haven't had a chance to read all the messages but am glad this one got started up and reassured that it seems that antenatal depression is more prevalent than I thought.
I am 21 weeks pregnant and have still not felt happy about it, though I imagined that I wanted to be pregnant. It seems to have exacabated every single other worry that I had in my life. I worry too about the effect on the unborn child, as i've said to my partner (sometimes at 4 in the morning), that i think I'm making a mistake, i can't cope etc etc. Basically I am sooooo confused and overwhelmed!!!!!

Hi again Jan
Welcome to our thread. I think that being pg just is overwhelming. What is difficult is differentiating what is just pregnancy stuff and what is beyond the normal realms of worry. I wish there was some kind of test that I could do that could tell me whether I have AND, or am just being anxious. I kinda feel (and I know this sounds terrible) that I want someone to tell me 'yes you have AND' then I would feel less like it is my fault and I could just absolve myself of responsibility and just say' too bad, it's those chemicals in my brain, nothing I can do about it, just give me some drugs'! But I know that's not realistic, but at least I would know either way. But the reality is, AND or just normal overwhelmedness, we still have to deal with this, just wish I knew how...
Ok, here is a start: doggus, changedmyname, divastrop, janw, weeonion and everyone else who finds themselves on this thread (even if it's just lurking) let's resolve to do one really nice thing for ourselves this weekend, doesn't have to cost money (though would be good if it does!) even something as simple as painting your nails or dyeing your hair, something to make you feel better about yourself. Ok, ok, I know it's trite, and isn't going to really help if anyone is actually suffering from AND, and doesn't make the rest of your worries go away, but if you feel a bit better about yourself I'm sure that is a good start. I just feel the need to do something practical instead of just wallowing in my own self-despair.
Ok, I'm going to think of a way to treat myself this weekend...would appreciate any ideas!

Hi bumper. I totally know what you mean when you yearn for a test to see if you have AND or not and I am with you on your worries even down to dh offering me a trip to Canaries for some winter sun and like you I can't be bothered. What's the point of going on holiday if I feel low, look fat and can't drink?!

I don't think your weekend idea is trite at all. This weekend I pledge to do at least one of:

Go to the cinema (see something uplifting though!)
Eat fish and chips
Go out for a meal rather than cook
Lie in and read a book (it is my first pg so this is still a vague possibility!)
Go to the sales
Listen to some uplifting music
Buy a new lipstick

LOL about your idea of reintroducing 'confinement'. My mil was confined before having dh (she had him in 1957!), and after the birth she was sent to a nursing home on the south coast where the nurses took care of the baby all day except feed times, and all she did was wander down to the pub and sunbathe. For three months, all paid for on the NHS!

just a quick visit to see how u all r and welcome to jan

i will be back on in teh morning for a longer catch up but i think bumpers idea is a good one. this weekend i am goignto spend time putting my make up on properly - like i used to years ago and not just shove it on in 5 mins as i dash out the door. feel much better when i have a "proper face " on to greet the world.

have a chilled night folks xoxoxoox

bumper-i keep saying that about 'confinement'.in this and my last pregnancy all ive wanted to do in the last 3 months is hide away from the world and grow my baby!dp doesnt/cant understand how it feels.i just feel embarrassed almost cos everyone can see im pregnant...not that its anything to be ashamed of but thats how i feel about myself.

i still havent had a chance to read the whole thread.is this everybody's first pregnancy on this thread?

i dont know about doing something nice for myself,i cant even think of anything i'd like to do as ive got out of the habit over the years of having children.i am taking ds and dd1 for a meal tomorrow for ds1's birthday and i'm leaving the 2 lo's with dp so for once i get to sit down and eat without having to run around after a nutty 3.5 year old...that should be good

hope everybody is having a good weekend.

i am 29 wks with my 1st (planned) and hating it. i used to be a happy positive person but the second i saw the test result the bottom fell out my world and hasn't really come back. i immediately started questioning my relationship, my reasons for getting pregnant in 1st place, and felt i'd made a terrible terrible mistake. I would not allow supportive and long suffering DP to so much as mention pregnancy for 1st 3 months (let alone touch my stomach) so we just acted like we weren't. i could not even look at the 1st scan screen (which obviously hurt DP quite a bit, he had tears of joy in his eyes) i was in total denial, too miserable and numb to even cry, full of hatred to the baby inside me, anger and shame at the changes happening to my body, and sick with guilt at this 'evil unmaternal' reaction (i was of course comparing myself to what i now know to be largely fiction - partly thanks to reading this brilliant thread - the earthmother who runs around all day with a beautific smile on her face, rubbing her belly in eager anticipation and pride). in september i became properly withdrawn and started having suicidal thoughts...at this point i knew i needed help...told midwife who referred me to brilliant councellor who referred me to therapist who i am still seeing. noone has used the words 'pre-natal depression' for me...therapy has helped me see that i have quite serious control and commitment issues (big surprise to realise i've got any 'issues'! always was such a happy carefree easy person) and it doesn't seem to be only hormones in my case. We only told people when i was 5 months pregnant and even then only because i was forced to or my body would tell people on its own. (i'm tall so got away with hiding it a long time) 2 of my close friends have also been pregnant with their 1st but have been so happy about it that i felt i had nothing in common with them. i can't tell you how lonely and sad i have felt. i even made excuses so i didn't have to tell my own friends, got DP to do it onthe phone. how sad is that. when people say congratulations i find it hard to take. Hiding your feelings, i know now, is detrimental and i am now at least able to tell people i feel like shit, and this is what helps me cope. being honest about my feelings and trying not to give myslef a hard time for having them. i have had about 3 moments of happinesss about this. i hope everything changes when the baby is born. we did a tour of the birth centre on friday night and i just cried and cried. i really don't want to give birth. i am sickened disgusted terrified by the thought, it all seems so gross. i hope things get better when the baby is here. they already are in one way as since i began counselling/therapy i have a very open trusting relationship with DH. anyway, i feel better just for writing this all down even if everyone has nodded off by this stage! best wishes to all of you. x

Longlady, I'm so glad you've joined this thread, you sound like you really need it. In fact I think a lot of us need a bit of a reality check. I was watching a tv programme the other day and two of the characters went for their first scan, and as they saw their baby their lips trembled...they looked lovingly into each others eyes, then back to the screen, "that's our baby" one of them said. I turned to DH and said "that's how you are supposed to react to a scan - not 'I want to throw up' like I did!".
I felt (and still do) a bit like you in that everytime DH looked all gooey and rubbed my tummy I just freaked out. Then I had to go to a big family reunion where the first thing all my aunties did was rub my tummy - urgh I hate it. Apparently it gets worse when you get big and strange old ladies in the street do it - I'll break their bloody fingers if they try it with me! I'm sorry things are so tough for you ladyjane, but I'm glad you are getting help. This is my 1st too so I can't promise that it will get better after it's born, but by all accounts it will. And if it doesn't, midwives and doctors are much more aware of post-natal depression, and there is a lot more support for that. My midwife (one of the many that I have seen anyway) is practically threatening to follow me around with a PND test after the birth as she thinks (and these are her own words) it'll be a miracle if I don't get it! Happy days! Anyway, join our treat yourself weekend! I have decided to give myself £10 pocket money to go and buy whatever I fancy guilt free. Plus I am going to sit and eat cake and read a trashy novel (while I still can!). Divastrop, I hope you mange to find something nice to do for yourself amongst the kiddie chaos. God, I'm terrified of having one - how do you manage!
Doggus, if it's not too late to mention - don't see Smokin' Aces at the cinema (unless mindless violence and very little storyline are your bag!). Also, hope you don't mind me asking, I notice from your post that your DH is a bit 'older', what is the age difference between the two of you. I just ask because we have nearly 17 years between us, and DH is 41. Even now I still struggle with it in some respects so I am always curious at other people's ages differences. Feel free to tell me it's none of my beeswax!

good morning folks!

had a bit of a read and catch up and sorry if i miss any of you nout in this post - not intentional!

longlady - hello ad welcome to you
alot of what u describe is kinda like my feelings - but of course we have had our differences.
i wanted to be pg, had planned it but when it happened- oh s**t - things all changed. i know i am a controlling perosn at the best of times - v v organised, on top of things and independant etc and there i was -losing the plot. big style.

pg can be a v v lonely expererince. u r meant to be happy, over the moon, bonding and i do belive that is the way it is presented in al the bumpf you get. thank god for the reality check that has been mumsnet - tho' there are some people on here whom i think judge others for being any less than 100% earth mother.

this is my first and at 35 - feel like the granny when i go to antenatal. i tend to go on my own - dp isnt allowed off work and find that harder. all these young fillies with glowing fresh faces and their mums who look younger than me.

i suppose i have no real advice to give - but i know that once i started telling my midwife the truth - things have got better. she has been greta and i have been able to tell her some of the dark thoughts that crowd my head.

thinking of you all - xo

hi, I have never seen this thread before, could I join you please?

hey trinity!!!!! welcome to us all

Hi Trinity of course, welcome to the mad house, the last refuge of the overwhelmed control freaks whose bodies have turned against them and those who want to smack smiley beatific shiny haired mothers-to-be in the mouth, and those for whom the thought of choosing nurseries and bugaboo pushchairs makes us want to cry!

lol lol lol bumper - summed it up nicely there!

thanks ladies! ha ha, yes i ended up in tears when visiting the birth centre on friday night (the midwife doing the tour caught me sobbing in the corner of a room where i had escaped from the tour group "I DON'T WANT TO GIVE BIIIIIIIIIIIIRTH") and then i went VERY RELUCTANTLY into mama's & papa's, pram shopping on saturday (to take advantage of the sale) and oh i was in a STINKING mood i even hit a pram with my umbrella he he he poor old DP. anyway i also get irritated with (ok bit jealous of) beautific mothers but have learnt that having unchristian violent impuses is fine as long as you don't act on them he he he. and as long as we all keep our sense of humour and can have a laugh about things! worth having a read of the 'funniest moments during birth' thread on this site. some of them are hysterical in a 'poo yourself in public' kind of way. ha.

well I'm not sure if I counbt as having ante-natal depression but I am still on anti d's from the birth of my first 7 seven years ago. I am expecting my third in three weeks (well 2 weeks and 5 days, not that I'm counting) and I am terrified about how to deal with my toddler(21 motnhs) and a newborn. also the school run, toddler isn't sleeping well at all, trying to BF, remembering to feed everyone else inc, me and still seven years later trying to get a grip of my house and memory. I have no routines, no idea where to start and I am just scared stiff

hi trinity - welcome to here. i am really sorry that i cant help much on the coping with yr other 2. do u have much family support that could help out at the start?

my mum is coming to visit for a couple o weeks around my due date which is oing to be really woinderful to have the help but I can't help worrying that I'm going to end up depending on her and then being totally screwed when she goes.