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Bereavement

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Original poster

My daughter took her own life

206 replies

bereftmother · 23/12/2022 22:11

The subject says it all, really. About six weeks ago my lovely, clever, witty daughter walked out of our house, leaving a note. Four days later the police found her body. And now, I just want to cry and scream and throw things. We have no Christmas plans, there is nothing to celebrate. When the post comes we don't know if the cards will be condolences or for Christmas.
We knew she was depressed. We just didn't know the depths of her despair.

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 14/02/2023 23:45

I used to do that also

So sorry for your loss

Life is very unfair at times
I wish you didn't have this suffering xx

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 15/02/2023 07:07

Sending love op.
I'm sure your daughter knew you loved her even though she couldn't stay.
I'm sad for all the people who feel they can't stay and those they leave behind.
I lost a close friend to suicide in my early twenties, she had suffered at the hands of her step father and couldn't do it (life) anymore.
I honour her by always having time for people, giving smiles, little gestures that male people know there welcome in my space, and trying to make people feel that patience and kindness can be found.
I also have felt that darkness myself and know what a deep pit it can be and how frustrated people can be with you when you are in it, not many people want to sit alongside your pain with you, or even look at it for that matter. Though I know you would have done for your daughter, she might have felt she was sparing you that.
I hope you find a way to honour her but the pain must be heavy indeed. ❤️

Mischance · 15/02/2023 08:45

I don't want to be so angry with her - feeling angry is OK. It can sit alongside sorrow and love, and is an inevitable outcome from what has happened.

But please remember that she was ill. There was truly nothing you could do.

I have been there and all I wanted was for it to stop and did not care how that might be achieved. I felt so very ill. I was surrounded by people who loved me but sadly that did not help.

She did not do this to make you sad - she did it because she could see no other way out. Be angry with the depression.

Original poster
bereftmother · 15/02/2023 11:34

Thank you all for your messages of support and sharing your own experiences, it is sad that it has been hard for so many of us.
I have been referred for grief counselling, but there is a waiting list.
I am so tired of being told to be strong. I don't feel strong, I am not even sure if I want to be strong...

OP posts:
AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 15/02/2023 11:59

I'm so sorry about you daughter. 💐💐💐

Lollypop701 · 15/02/2023 12:52

It’s such a short time for your grief, don’t be hard on yourself and maybe the antidepressants will help. You are loved, you are needed please remember this.

madmumofteens · 15/02/2023 13:14

Oh bereftmother I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter I have lived in fear of my daughter doing the same for the last 5 years so very sad that your daughter has left you and you have to carry on take good care of yourself 💐

Mischance · 15/02/2023 14:23

Have you spoken with CRUSE? They helped me so much when I lost my husband. They truly are worth getting in touch with.
www.cruse.org.uk/

It is likely that they will be able to offer help more quickly.

Curriedpeanuts · 15/02/2023 14:39

bereftmother · 15/02/2023 11:34

Thank you all for your messages of support and sharing your own experiences, it is sad that it has been hard for so many of us.
I have been referred for grief counselling, but there is a waiting list.
I am so tired of being told to be strong. I don't feel strong, I am not even sure if I want to be strong...

I remember when I felt grief, I didn't even want to feel better because that would mean I was moving on and leaving them behind. I am wondering if that's maybe what you mean by not wanting to be strong.

Grief is a brutal, hideous process but I hope you are feeling a little supported by knowing that other people care.

Curriedpeanuts · 15/02/2023 14:43

bereftmother · 14/02/2023 23:06

She was a young woman in her early thirties, kind, with a filthy sense of humour and a smile so warm you felt good just looking at her. Sometimes she would just glance at me, with a quizzical "really, Mum?" expression - and that's the one that never got photographed, that I keep trying to impress on my memory.

That description brought tears to my eyes. Can you write all these things down? It's so upsetting when you realise there are little things that you can't remember clearly...

dickdarstardlymuttley · 15/02/2023 15:00

Flowers Thinking of you x

JungleZgok · 15/02/2023 19:27

@bereftmother - you don't need to be strong at all. There is nothing worse than losing a child and in your circumstances, it is even more acute.

If you are tired, be kind to yourself and take some time to find even the smallest of pleasures. Even if it is listening to a song, taking a walk, watching TV, taking a short nap etc. Try and do something small like this everyday if you can - and if you can't - try the next day. Don't worry if you still can't do some things. I still find there are certain things I still can't do.

Please do lean hard on others who can help you. I promise you there are many people out there who are willing to help you and be there for you. Don't be shy to ask them for their time - be it to come and have a chat or to do a weekly shop for you for example. If you want to talk The Compassionate Friends has a helpline manned by bereaved parents. You are not alone in this x

timoteigirl · 15/02/2023 19:42

So sorry to read this. While waiting for grief counselling, is this something you could try? uksobs.org/we-can-help/local-support-groups/find/

BlueHotel · 27/02/2023 19:37

I logged into MN today to talk about my daughter's suicide and I saw your thread. I have just returned from a weekend retreat run by a charity called The Compassionate Friends. It is run for bereaved parents by volunteers who have all lost a child It was the most healing and nurturing experience I have ever had and I met many beautiful and inspirational people.

My daughter was 52, a popular and successful professional woman, well known in her field both for her academic expertise and her teaching and mentoring skills. I knew she was depressed, but as previous posters have said, people like her can mask their feelings. She did it in a well planned and well organised way, leaving notes and details of all her financial affairs. In control and thinking of others right to the end. All her many friends and colleagues were as shocked as I was.

I cannot praise this charity enough. They have a help line, local support groups and run retreats like the one I've just been on. All the volunteers have been where you are now. They understand.

tcf.org.uk
0345 123 2304 helpline
[email protected]

I wish you strength.

Original poster
bereftmother · 27/02/2023 20:59

@BlueHotel , @JungleZgok , @timoteigirl , @Mischance and anyone else who has posted helpful links - thank you. I am slowly working my way through them and I think there are several I will revisit.
I am feeling so sorry for myself, and then that just brings more guilt because I feel as though I should be feeling more sorry about what my daughter was going through. But her anguish and despair is over now, but mine...

OP posts:
BlueHotel · 27/02/2023 21:23

Sorry, that c&p didn''t come out right. The email address for the helpline is:

[email protected]

BlueHotel · 27/02/2023 21:24

And again!! It looks ok on the preview. Probably best to look on their website.

Original poster
bereftmother · 13/03/2023 19:30

It will be my daughter's inquest tomorrow, after she took her own life last November. There should not be any surprises, we have seen the Coroner's paperwork. There were a few minor discrepancies, nothing that makes a material difference. Today, I feel numb.
This is how the end of her life is being marked. Paperwork.

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 13/03/2023 19:37

My heart goes out to you OP. Our loved ones never truly leave us, they just find a way to stay in our hearts and walk by our side without feeling the pain they used to have.

hockeysticks89 · 13/03/2023 19:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your tragedy. Wishing you strength for tomorrow and I will be thinking of you.

booksahoy · 13/03/2023 19:39

I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds amazing. Her life isn't marked by paperwork but by all the lives she touched and all the memories you have 💐

Lioney · 13/03/2023 19:45

My heart breaks for you.

I have sadly lost too many family members to suicide, the latest only 13 months ago.

But a child is totally different. I can't articulate how much your thread resonates with me.

Sending you strength to get through tomorrow. Flowers

RunTowardsTheLight · 13/03/2023 19:47

I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. Wishing you strength for tomorrow 💐

pompomdaisy · 13/03/2023 19:50

I'm so sorry. 💐My brother took his own life two years ago this coming Sunday. Your life changes overnight. You wonder how you might ever smile again. Just put one foot in front of another. Take comfort in small things. X

Ooompaloopa · 13/03/2023 20:04

Wishing you deep solace for an especially difficult day amongst many.

I am so sorry for unfathomable the loss of your beautiful daughter. X

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