My daughter took her own life

[bereftmother]

The subject says it all, really. About six weeks ago my lovely, clever, witty daughter walked out of our house, leaving a note. Four days later the police found her body. And now, I just want to cry and scream and throw things. We have no Christmas plans, there is nothing to celebrate. When the post comes we don't know if the cards will be condolences or for Christmas.
We knew she was depressed. We just didn't know the depths of her despair.

I am finding it hard, so hard. Trying to understand why she made the choice she did. Trying to understand why she thought there was no other choice...

The only thing that someone said to me that ever made sense was that at the exact time someone commits suicide it must have made perfect sense to them. Maybe not to us left behind, but to them it made perfect sense. It’s the only thing that has given me some comfort- that they found peace.

The letter my daughter left behind made it sound like it was perfect sense to her. It wasn't a cry for help or a spur of a moment decision. My poor desperate girl.

I was suicidal for a long time. It did make sense to me at the time.

The relentlessness of not being happy, the not believing it would ever get truly better. It's exhausting and soul destroying being depressed and the guilt & sense of failure when you don't get better.

She was very unwell when she took that decision, there is nothing you could have done differently.

I wish I had a magic wand for you, to time travel way way back so her life would have had the outcome it deserved.

What happened to help you out of that dark place if you don’t mind me asking?

I am so very sorry op.

Mainly time.

I lived because I didn't want to inflict on my DC that I didn't love them enough to choose to life/them over suicide.

Took years to really be better, I still have therapy now.

@RandomMess - I am so sorry to hear you are talking from personal experience. I wish you well for the future and appreciate you sharing what you went through.

I'm glad you are feeling better @RandomMess and thanks for sharing as it gives me hope. I am 3 years in and putting a brave face on for my DC aswell. If it wasnt for them, I dont think I would be here.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read this. I lost my dad to suicide at Xmas 2 years ago, and like @RandomMess I've been suicidal in the past. I'm still here as I didn't want to inflict the pain if my DS that my dads left on me.

It won't feel it just now, but you'll honestly get there. People might seem "off" with you or don't know how or what to say/talk to you about (from my experience anyway) From my experience, suicide seems to be treated differently to any other form of loss.

I'm here if you want a blether. Your emotions will likely be all over the place, and that's ok. Speak to your GP and take any counselling offered (go private if it's feasible) as this will help. Sending you love

We are going to collect her ashes today. I am very nervous and I don't want to cry. I think I am fooling myself though, it feels like I haven't stopped crying for weeks. Everything sets me off, however random.
I saw a GP who gave me sleeping tablets and antidepressants, I've only tried the sleeping pills occasionally so far. They help at night but I wake up with a horrible headache and feel zombified the following day.

Wishing you strength to get through today, OP. You and your lovely girl will be in my thoughts.

Good luck today op. Thinking of you. Just getting through any day without tears must be a miracle, today of all days the years can fall if they need to. ❤️ I hope there is someone to give you a hug.

Thank you. I have cried everyday since my daughter went missing, and today was no exception. What I forget is that the staff at the crematorium do this everyday, with upset people struggling to cope. They were very businesslike, but kind and it wasn't as bad there as I expected.
Going home though... I have gone and picked up my daughter so many times over the years, from so many places - and I will never pick her up and take her home again. Dh and I kept hugging the urn, taking it in turns, holding and stroking it, sobbing and crying. And then we had to decide where to put it.
We both know it is not her. But today it was what we had.

Huge hugs

Thinking of you and sending light xx

It is three months today since she walked out of our house. She was declared dead when they found her three days later but the police are pretty sure she died that first day. There will always be "anniversaries", hard days, unexpected reminders of her - as if I ever stop thinking of her. I feel like I betrayed her by not knowing she needed help. And indeed, that she betrayed us by not asking for that help. I don't want to be so angry with her, so sad for her, so sad for me.

I'm so so sorry 💕

I am so very sorry. This is a parents worst nightmare.

If you would like to tell us more about your daughter, favourite memories etc, please do.

She was a young woman in her early thirties, kind, with a filthy sense of humour and a smile so warm you felt good just looking at her. Sometimes she would just glance at me, with a quizzical "really, Mum?" expression - and that's the one that never got photographed, that I keep trying to impress on my memory.

I’ve just read this with tears in my eyes. I cannot imagine what you’re going through. I don’t believe she had any idea of what she’d leave behind, she was just too immersed in her own sadness. My teenage daughter has expressed feelings like this and the mental health team told us that sometimes people just hide it from their loved ones, you’d have no idea. I’m so sorry.

Big hugs 💐

Your love for her will keep her alive. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be unbearable. Thinking of you and your beloved daughter

Sometimes I still don't believe it. Sometimes I pretend it isn't true.
(That doesn't help at all...)