My daughter took her own life

[bereftmother]

The subject says it all, really. About six weeks ago my lovely, clever, witty daughter walked out of our house, leaving a note. Four days later the police found her body. And now, I just want to cry and scream and throw things. We have no Christmas plans, there is nothing to celebrate. When the post comes we don't know if the cards will be condolences or for Christmas.
We knew she was depressed. We just didn't know the depths of her despair.

So sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss. X

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words.

My darling cousin, my closest relative, did the same, when we were 26. I didn’t know either, I could not have guessed he would do this. I can’t imagine what you as a loving mum must now be going through.

A Muslim friend once told me that, in Islam, if you dream of the person, they are visiting you. I am not religious but I’ve found this comforting over the years.

Over the years, I’m now in my 50s, I’ve also been able to put his death into context, as the way his life on earth ended, but I also cherish the happy memories, the wild memories, the troubled memories are there too, but I feel he’s with me still almost like my spirit. I sometimes chat to him, quite often actually. He’s still here in so many ways, since he’s in my heart. I realise I’ve never told anyone this, since it’s my private story, but I wanted you to know. I also had the clumsy people tell me what I should feel or think after his death, and I don’t mean to do this to you,this is just my story. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Maybe if anyone depressed is reading this very thread, it might inspire them to talk. If only my cousin had talked to me, to anyone. I sense the same with your darling daughter. Sending you love.

I'm so sorry. This and the other thread about the young man are just heartbreaking. So sorry

Haveing lost both my brothers to suicide I know so well the pain you are going through. All death is terrible but the questions suicide leave you with just add to the pain. There are no words I can offer you other than do not blame yourself for missing signs. I’m sure you didn’t. I have come to see that some people decide that they cannot stand another day feeling as they do and want it to stop. So they stop it by ending their life. Sadly the nightmare that they leave of unanswered questions is what we are left with. I am so so sorry..

Dear

i cannot imagine what you’re going through. I have no words of comfort but we are here to hold hands.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

So very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. Xx

Sending all my love to you and your family. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. There are no words but much love.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My DH lost his brother when he was in his teens to suicide, it’s just devastating. Just know that your daughter didn’t do it because she wanted to leave you - I’m sure she loved you very much. People do this because they can’t stand to suffer any more and they start to think there is no other way. Your thinking becomes completely twisted when the illness takes over, and it’s so so awful for those left behind xx

The more I talk about her, the more people have shared their own losses. I had no idea so many families had been touched by suicide and I send my sympathies to all of you.
It is still such early days for us to even start thinking straight. We can't make any sense of anything, the world has tilted and I want it to go back. And I know it can't. Ever. And this new world feels so bleak.

I'm so, so sorry xxx

I'm so so sorry depression is a truly awful illness. You'll be in my thoughts xx

Sorry xxxx

So very sorry to hear this, heartbreaking for all of you.

I’m so sorry this is what you’re going through and I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. The hurt and pain and grief that you feel is a manifestation of your love for her and a testimony to the fact she did and does have people who cared for her deeply. Without grief and sadness, how else do we express our love to those we have lost.
i hope and pray you can find some comfort in that somehow and that the loss lessens with time until you are only left with beautiful memories of her time in the world x

I am so very sorry about your loss of your darling girl. The pain must be unbearable. You are in my thoughts and I wish you strength for the days ahead.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss @bereftmother . There is no pain greater than the loss of our children. My heart goes out to you. It seems like the world is upside down and life is just bloody unfair.

I sadly lost my teenage son who also took his own life this year. I had no idea his depression was so bad either and it was a shock.

Everyone's grief is different and your thoughts and how you feel and what eases the pain is different. Your family will all go through different paces. They say grief is like waves, were sometimes it can knock you for six unexpectedly.

Here are some things that I personally found helpful and some experiences too.

• Be kind to yourself. Listen to how you are feeling. If you don't feel like doing something, meeting someone - then don't. If you want to stay in bed all day and hide, that is fine too.

• Lean on anyone who makes you feel comfortable. They want to help. They want to ease your pain. Let them - when you want to. You will find some who you didn't expect, to come though for you in ways you can't imagine. Unfortunately you will also find some friends and family (some even who you may have thought you were really close to), run away and that is also hard to deal with.

• Find things that momentarily you can lose yourself in (watching trashy TV, books, movies, art etc). Try and do this everyday

• You have nothing to feel guilty about (say this to yourself often)

• If you have a thought or find yourself which contains the words 'should have', 'could have', 'would have', 'maybe', 'if' - tell yourself STOP and visualise a big neon flashing STOP sign. These thoughts are not helpful and unfortunately do not change anything

• If you are working, don't hurry back. Work is not important and it can wait.

• If you have private medical insurance, think about getting therapy. Know that a lot of therapists have limited experience with bereavement much less suicide. If you have a session and don't feel like they are hitting the mark, change it, and change again until you find the right one

• After a few months, I found it helpful to talk with other parents who had lost their children and listen to their experiences. It helped me to feel more 'normal' I guess. I found the compassionate friends charity in the UK (also recommended to me by another mumsnetter) and the Lucy Rayner foundation invaluable.

• Think about going away where you can be alone and giving you some space to think.

• I also found some books written by mums who had lost their child helpful too

Feel free to PM if you need.

Sending you much love at this time xx

I'm so very sorry to hear about your daughter @bereftmother . My brother did not die by suicide but died very suddenly last year and I wanted to post to say how very sorry I am, having some insight into losing a young person suddenly. The loss is devastating. Whether they died due to a mental or physical condition, very often there is little or nothing that any of you could have done. Keep talking to people. It might not be your thing but my DM found comfort in a forum called The Compassionate Friends. I think there are FB groups too. I'm on a couple of sibling ones. Often friends and family feel it differently to you, or it can be helpful to speak to people who understand but are not quite so close to your own personal situation.

This is such a helpful message, thank you @JungleZgok for taking the time to write it out. I am sorry that you have suffered this terrible sort of loss too.
Yesterday and today have been very hard. I begrudge the people I see enjoying Christmas with their families (I know that's not fair, I don't feel like being fair). I have drunk a little too much, I have cried with rage and I have thrown away some of the dying flowers from her funeral. Everything seems so pointless.

I'm so sorry Try and take comfort that she is out of her torment now and in peace. It's you who is left suffering but do not feel guilty. People who do this can not think straight atall and can't process alternative measures to take like talking and asking for help. They hide it very well.

God that's awful OP. So so sorry. No easy words really. Just kindness and care. x

So very sorry OP - I can only imagine the depths of your grief. Like everyone else on here, thinking of you.

On New Years Eve twenty one years ago my daughter was twelve. She stayed up late with us and we watched The Rocky Horror Show together for the first time. Her shocked face when Dr. Frank-N-Furter appeared was a joy to behold! That expression, changing to glee, is something I will never forget.
I wish she was still here, I miss her so much.

She will always be remembered by so many people.

I often think of my school friends no longer here those that didn't even make it past their teens , the babies that my friends and acquaintances held as stillborn.

Life may carry on but people aren't forgotten 💕 both their lives and deaths shaped me and I hold their families in my thoughts & hearts often x